Oscar Watch '09: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

[it is NAWLINS]
Julia Ormond: Mom, you're so old! With such amazing makeup and special effects to make you look that way! Is there anything I can do to make your death more comfortable?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Yes, my daughter. Read to me out of that diary in my bag. But first, let me tell you an allegory about a clockmaker named Mr. Gateaux, which means Mr. Cake. He made a clock that turned backwards because his son died. It's in the train station.
Conveniently Placed News Report: Hurricane Katrina is heading our way, but it'll probably be fine.
Cate Blanchett: Now, read me the story.
Julia Ormond: Once upon a time...
[Brad Pitt takes over the VOICEOVER duties from Juliette Binoche, a DUTY he will do A FUCKING LOT]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was born on the day World War I ended, but since I looked like an old man baby, my dad left me on the steps of an old folks' home.
Taraji P. Henson's Man: I know you ain't got the parts to make one a' your own...* but this baby is from the devil.
Taraji P. Henson: Oh! No. I must care for this child of God. I'll put him in a drawer to keep him safe.
The Doctor: He'll probably die soon.
[obviously, he does NOT]
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Hee hee! I'm in a wheelchair!
[they go to a TENT REVIVAL and get CURED of what AILS them, KIND of]
Taraji P. Henson: I'm going to have a baby! This baby will not take your place, though, Benjamin.
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Yes it will!!
Creepy CGI Child Cate Blanchett: Hello.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Instead of acting, I will just tell you what's going on through voiceover, if that's all right. I met her and I still remember her blue eyes.
[he meets a RAPSCALLION IRISH TUGBOAT CAPTAIN and starts WORKING on the BOAT]
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: I'm an artist! A tattoo artist! Suck on that, dad!! Also, here is some information about hummingbirds, which are a metaphor. For something.
Mr. Button: Oh. Hello, stranger. What say we enjoy a drink together? And perhaps also a visit to a brothel? I am not your dad. At all.
[they go get DRUNK and WHORES]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I had to go seek my fortune on the tugboat.
Slightly Less Creepy CGI Teen Cate Blanchett: You better write me from everywhere, because I am weirdly obsessed with you!
[he DOES, and Juliette Binoche SEES the postcards]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we went to Russia, and I had an affair with a married woman.
Tilda Swinton: We can never say "I love you." One time, I tried to swim the English Channel but failed. Bye.
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: The tugboat's been drafted! So I guess you guys are all drafted too? Or something. We're all in the Navy now!
[they get into a SEA BATTLE and everyone DIES except Brad Pitt, who sees a HUMMINGBIRD]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I went home and she was there.
Cate Blanchett: Hi. It's me, with only moderate CGI face-softening to make me look younger, though I am still the most beautiful woman ever to exist. I'm going to dance school in New York. Let's go on a date. Some of the other dancers are lesbians. Does that bother you? Let's have sex.
[she does a MODERN DANCE in a GAZEBO to DISTANT NEW ORLEANS MUSIC]
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: No.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then some time passed and I was like "That was dumb."
[he goes to see her DANCE in CAROUSEL and he is STILL GETTING YOUNGER]
Cate Blanchett: Get lost! I am with this other guy now.
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: Oh. I am dejected.
Mr. Button: By the way, I am totally your dad. I want to leave my business, Button's Buttons, to you.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was pissed for a second, but then I was like "It's the end of his life, so let's just be cool."
[he CARRIES his dad to the LAKE he used to LOOK AT so the dad can DIE HAPPY and leave him ALL his MONEY and his hilariously-named BUSINESS]
Julia Ormond: This story is so sad. I hope the hurricane doesn't get us.
Nurse: We'll be fine!
Julia Ormond: Okay, back to the story!
Telegram Guy: Telegram!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: So I went to Paris, because all these things happened that caused Cate Blanchett to get hit by a car and her leg broken. Fate is so crazy!
Cate Blanchett: Get away from me! I'm a monster! An incandescently beautiful, even in a hospital bed, monster!!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I was sad again. So I learned to sail and looked really hot while doing it. Plus, I did a bunch of girls.
Cate Blanchett: Sup. I have decided to stop jerking you around.
[they have a SWEET ROMANCE, finally, but it is MARRED because his adopted MOM dies and there is a FUNERAL]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we bought a duplex with no furniture.
[they hang out on a MATTRESS and listen to TWIST AND SHOUT and there is some STORM IMAGERY]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett bought a dance studio, because those who can't, teach.
Julia Ormond: Waaaaaaaait aaaaaa minute. When did you meet my father?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Uh...some time after that.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett got pregnant.
Julia Ormond: Hey! You lied to me! He's my father! I'm pissed. But you're dying, so I guess I'm not that pissed.
Super Hot Brad Pitt: I can't be a father to her. PEACE.
[he ABSCONDS in the NIGHT and rides his HOG all around the WORLD, apparently]
20-something Brad Pitt: Hey. I'm back.
"Of A Certain Age" Cate Blanchett: You are toying with my emotions again! God!
[they BONE]
Julia Ormond: That's the last entry in the diary.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: I'll take over from here. Then he grew into a little boy with dementia, and I took care of him.
[he GROWS into a BABY and DIES]
Nurse: This hurricane is a little worse than we thought. I'm sure FEMA will take care of it, but we should probs get out of here.
Julia Ormond: Look, a hummingbird in the storm. That's meaningful, because it was in the other parts of the story.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: The clock in the train station is now digital. That is also allegorical.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Here are a bunch of people I knew in my life. They all did things. And were cool.
[a FLOOD washes over the CLOCK and presumably the HOSPITAL]