In Bruges

[it is, unsurprisingly, BRUGES]
Colin Farrell: What the fuck are we doing in fuckin' Bruges? This is a fuckin' podunk town! Let's go do some more contract killings, like we do!
Brendan Gleeson: Harry said to cool it here for a few days in this charming B&B run by an extremely pregnant and lovely woman. Let's have some fun, see some sights, eh?
[they take a BOAT RIDE and Colin Farrell is like PISSED while Brendan Gleeson GAZES at things in a CHILDLIKE MANNER]
Colin Farrell: I don't want to hang out here anymore! Everything I see keeps giving me memories!
[he remembers KILLING a PRIEST and accidentally a LITTLE BOY and it is REALLY SAD ACTUALLY]
Colin Farrell: My guilt!! Waaaaaah!!
[he meets a HOT GIRL and gets her NUMBER and also befriends a DWARF that is not Peter Dinklage on a MOVIE SET]
Colin Farrell: Okay, maybe we can hang out here a little while longer. I have a date tonight!
Brendan Gleeson: We're supposed to wait for our easily-angered boss Harry to call, though!
Colin Farrell: But this girl is SUPER DUPER HOT. She even has teeth that are crooked in a hot way.
Brendan Gleeson: Okay, fine, I'll stay here and be old.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Hey, are you having fun in Bruges? It's a fucking fairytale, innit? A bloody fucking fairytale land.
Brendan Gleeson: I guess.
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Tell Ray to go down the pub.
[Brendan Gleeson PRETENDS to send Colin Farrell away because he is ACTUALLY NOT THERE but is SUPPOSED to be and it goes on for MUCH LONGER than it HAS to, but this makes it HILARIOUS]
Ralph Fiennes (on phone): Okay, you have to kill him. The kid's done. He killed a little boy. If I'd killed a child, accidentally or otherwise, I would put my pistol in mouth right then and there. HONOR, DUDE.
Brendan Gleeson: Fine. I'll kill him.
[meanwhile, Colin Farrell is PUNCHING CANADIANS and SHOOTING GUYS with BLANKS, though he is on a DATE]
Brendan Gleeson: I guess I'll go pick up the gun, though I do it reluctantly.
[he RETURNS to find Colin Farrell GONE to the PARK, attempting to KILL HIMSELF]

Brendan Gleeson: Noooooo! Oh, wait. I was supposed to kill you. Dang. I guess we're both on Harry's hit list now. Get on a train outta here. You have a future while I do not. I shall wait for Harry to come kill me.

Colin Farrell: Uh...okay. Bye. Sorry you're gonna die.

[he gets on the TRAIN, but the CANADIANS he punched come FIND him and he gets ARRESTED]

Ralph Fiennes: So now I must kill you for sending the boy away and not killing him.

Brendan Gleeson: Okay. Let's go up to the bell tower so we don't hurt any civilians.

[their BATTLE ends with Brendan Gleeson getting SHOT in the LEG]

Ralph Fiennes: I have too much respect for you to kill you.

Hot Girl's Boyfriend that Colin Farrell Shot Earlier: Colin Farrell and my hot girlfriend are down in the plaza, because apparently Bruges only has, like, one plaza! She bailed him out of jail! You can kill him now.

Brendan Gleeson: Nooooooooo!

[Ralph Fiennes SHOOTS him in the NECK so he can't CHASE him, but instead he CLIMBS back UP the tower and JUMPS the fuck OFF so he can WARN Colin Farrell]

Colin Farrell: What the fuuuuuuuck? You died to save me! I regard you as a father figure.

Ralph Fiennes: So nice that you found your father figure right before you DIED.

[he CHASES him ALL THROUGH BRUGES for like a REALLY long time and they end up at the MOVIE SET where the DWARF is in a movie]

Ralph Fiennes: Gahhhh! I must shoot you for killing that child!!

[he SHOOTS Colin Farrell, but one of the bullets EXPLODES the HEAD of the DWARF so he can't tell that it's a DWARF and not a CHILD he killed]

Ralph Fiennes: Well, you've got to stick to your principles.*

[he BLOWS his own HEAD off]

Colin Farrell: I really hope I live.

[MAYBE he does, but MAYBE he does not]