Monster-in-Law

[it is CALIFORNIA]
Jennifer Lopez: So many jobs! I'm a dogwalker and a temp and I design clothes and I am sassy!
[she sees Michael Vartan RUNNING on the BEACH and is like WHOA because HELLO he is MAJORLY FOXY and then sees him LATER but is TOO SHY to TALK]
Jennifer Lopez: I ran into a guy twice today!
Her Gay: You're destined to be together!
[she sees him AGAIN at a PARTY]
Evil Blonde: Oh, honey, he's gay...that's his boyfriend over there.
Jennifer Lopez: Oh dear! I am just unlucky in love! I'll go walk some more dogs.
Michael Vartan: Please go out with me.
Jennifer Lopez: Uh...aren't you gay?
Michael Vartan: While I have the pecs and striking look of a gay man...no. I am not.
[they go on DATES and LAUGH and are generally SICKENINGLY ADORABLE]
Jennifer Lopez: Perhaps I'm not so unlucky after all!! Ha ha!
[meanwhile, in a STUDIO]
Jane Fonda: I am the queen of daytime television! All bow before me!
Wanda Sykes: Shit, you ain't shit. But whatever, as long as you keep paying me, I'll keep sassing you.
[Jane Fonda gets REPLACED on her TV SHOW because she is TOO OLD]
Jane Fonda: Fine. That's fine. I'll do this last interview with a Britney Spears-like pop singer with grace and dignity, and bow out.
[she TACKLES the girl when she calls "The Little Mermaid" on OLD MOVIE]
Wanda Sykes: Shit.
[Jane Fonda is COMMITTED, then RELEASED]
Michael Vartan: Mom, I'm so glad you're out of the mental institution! Meet my new girlfriend!
Jane Fonda: Oh, I love her!
Michael Vartan: Good...because now I can propose.
Jane Fonda: [internal SCREAMING]
Jennifer Lopez: It's only been a few months, but yes! Yes, I'll marry you!
Jane Fonda: She will never marry my son. No woman is good enough.
[she does a bunch of INSANE SHIT]
Wanda Sykes: Sass!
Jennifer Lopez: Oh HELL no. You did NOT just try to ruin my relationship with the hottest man ever.
[SHE does a bunch of RETALIATORY SHIT]
Jane Fonda: WHAT? NO WAY.
[she puts NUTS in J.Lo's GRAVY so she has an ALLERGIC REACTION]
Jennifer Lopez: My lips! This is terrible!
[the SWELLING goes DOWN]
Jennifer Lopez: Okay, wedding time.
Elaine Stritch: I'm HEEEEERE! And I'm FAAAAABULOUS! And you are a SLUT, Jane Fonda! And not good enough for my SONNNNN even though he's DEAAAAAAAAD!!
Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhhhh. Everything makes sense.
Jane Fonda: Sorry I was a raging bitch.
Jennifer Lopez: No bigs.
[everything is COOL]