Elf

[it is the NORTH POLE]
Bob Newhart: Let me tell you a story about a human baby raised by elves.
Will Ferrell: I'm an elf!
[he is CLEARLY not an elf]
Some Other Elf: If he hasn't figured out he's not an elf by now, he never will!
Will Ferrell: What?!?! I'm not an elf?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Santa: Yes, you're a human. Your dad lives in New York City. He's on the naughty list.
Will Ferrell: Noooooooooooooooo!!! I still want to meet him, though.
Animated Narwhal: Have fun!
[he rides on an ICE FLOE and walks through the LINCOLN TUNNEL]
Will Ferrell: New York is crazy! Where's my dad?
James Caan: Grump grump grump! I'm a businessman! An angry one!
Will Ferrell: Dad! Dad! It's me!
James Caan: What? No, you are a crazy person dressed like an elf.
Will Ferrell: No, I'm an elf!!
[he SINGS him a SONG and it is ENDEARING]
Security Guards: Get out of here. Go back to Gimbel's!
[he DOES and they think he WORKS there and he is EXCITED about CHRISTMAS]
Boss Dude: Santa will be here tomorrow!
Will Ferrell: SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I know him! I know him!!*
Zooey Deschanel: I hate Christmas.
Will Ferrell: You're so pretty!
Zooey Deschanel: I still hate Christmas, though. And I refuse to sing.
[Will Ferrell FINDS James Caan again]
James Caan: Okay, maybe you are my son.
[he has a PATERNITY TEST and it's ALL TRUE]
Will Ferrell: My finger has a heartbeat.
James Caan: Fine, you can come to work with me. But you'll have to go to the mailroom.
Will Ferrell: The mailroom?! Awesome!
[he gets DRUNK]
Will Ferrell: Your house is fun!
[he makes SPAGHETTI with SYRUP and it is GROSS]
Little Brother: You're weird.
[they get in a SNOWBALL FIGHT and WIN]
Little Brother: Okay, I like you now. Why don't you ask that girl on a date?
Will Ferrell: Okay!
[he takes her to a bunch of RANDOM PLACES and they go ICE SKATING and it is CUTE]
James Caan: My business is failing! We need to call in another author!
Peter Dinklage: I'm here to save your business.
Will Ferrell: Look! An elf!
Peter Dinklage: Oh HELL no! You did NOT just call me an elf!
[they FIGHT and Will Ferrell is BANISHED]
Santa: Oh no! My sleigh has crashed in Central Park! I need the help only an elf can provide...or an elf raised by humans.
Will Ferrell: I can help you!
Little Brother: It's the real Santa! Look, I can prove it with his magic book!
Zooey Deschanel: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!* So let's sing, everyone!
[they DO and Christmas is SAVED]
Will Ferrell: Hooray! Now let's go live at the North Pole.
Zooey Deschanel: Awesome!
[she gets a PINK elf outfit and they have a BABY]