Harrison Ford Week: Patriot Games

[it is LONDON]

Harrison Ford: La, la, la...vacationing with my adorable family is so nice.

Anne Archer and Thora Birch: Ha ha! We love being your family!

[some EXPLOSIONS happen and Harrison Ford LEAPS to the RESCUE, even though he is JUST an ANALYST]

Sean Bean: YOU KILLED MAH BRUTHERRR!!! YOU WILL PAY!!

Bobbies: Come on now, you're arrested.

[meanwhile, back in the GOOD OLD US of A]

James Earl Jones: Nice job, professor. Want to come back to the CIA?

Harrison Ford: No thanks!

Samuel L. Jackson: Here's a medal, friend. Okay, that is my whole part in the movie. Bye.

Crazy IRA Dude: The IRA is not responsible for this outrage!!

[meanwhile, in LONDON]

Bearded Terrorist from the IRA: Good job almost killing that politician. Now I'm going to go bang this hot chick.

Hot Chick from the Splinter Group that is Not the IRA: Let me just get something out of my bag.

Bearded Terrorist: Yer not gonna make me wear a rubber, are ya? The church says that's a sin, darlin'.*

Hot Chick: So is this. Darlin'.*

[she fucking SHOOTS him and it is kind of BADASS even though she is a BAD GUY]

Hot Chick: Okay, now tell us when Sean Bean's transport will be driving by.

Rare Bookseller: I will! I want to be big and important, though I am but a purveyor of rare books!

[he gets the INFORMATION and they BLOW UP the TRANSPORT so Sean Bean is FREE]

Sean Bean: Now...to America.

[meanwhile, at Harrison Ford's HOUSE]

Harrison Ford: They'll never try to follow us here, honey. We're perfectly safe.

[a dude in a SWEATSUIT tries to KILL him and some OTHER DUDES try to DRIVE his WIFE off the ROAD in her PORSCHE]

Harrison Ford: Okay...I was wrong. And I will now accept that job in the CIA. Now, if we could just figure out who these people are, since they aren't IRA.

[he has a WEIRD MEMORY of the Hot Chick's HAIR when he ACCIDENTALLY goes in the WOMEN'S ROOM]

Harrison Ford: Find this woman, and we find them all.

Crazy IRA Dude: Here is who I think is responsible. I cannot sell out my countrymen.

Harrison Ford: Ha ha! She is English. And a woman. That is why he could sell her out. Lucky us!

[they FIND the CAMP in North Africa and spend like A MILLION YEARS trying to DETERMINE if it is the RIGHT CAMP]

Rare Bookseller: I want a gun! I can be important! Wah wah wah!

Sean Bean: [shoots him]

[the ARMY invades the CAMP and they WATCH on INFRARED or HEAT-SENSING CAMERAS or something]

Harrison Ford: Phew! Finally we are safe!

[they have a DINNER PARTY with the POLITICIAN DUDE and all the LIGHTS go out but it is not a POWER OUTAGE because the STREETLIGHTS still have POWER]

Harrison Ford: Oh HELL no. You do NOT attack my family in our OWN HOUSE.

[they RUN AROUND in the DARK for a LONG TIME and the POLITICIAN gets KILLED]

Sean Bean: MAH BRUTHER'S DAYTH IS ON YER HANDS!!

[he KILLS his own TEAM and CHASES Harrison Ford in a BOAT and they BATTLE until Sean Bean FALLS on something POINTY and DIES]

Harrison Ford: Phew.

Anne Archer: I'm pregnant.

Harrison Ford: Is it a boy or a girl?

Thora Birch: We want to know!

[Anne Archer SMILES]