The Firm

[it is 1993]

Tom Cruise: I am a highly desired law student! Everyone wants me! CATER TO MY WHIM, EVERYONE!! Except don't ask me about my family, please.

Some Dudes from a Random Firm in Memphis: Come work for us. Our offer is in this sealed envelope. It's 20% higher than the highest offer you got.

Jeanne Tripplehorn: You accepted the offer without LOOKING at it?! You're not just a midget, you're also retarded.

[she OPENS the ENVELOPE]

Jeanne Tripplehorn: ...RICH and retarded.

[they MOVE to MEMPHIS, though they are TOTAL east coasters]

Southern Lawyer's Wife: You can have a job if you want. The Firm doesn't forbid it. And they encourage children. Children encourage stability. And are also really good leverage if you need to blackmail someone.

Jeanne Tripplehorn: Uh...don't you find that a little...unsettling?

Tom Cruise: No way! They are giving me a CAR, honey. A CAR. A totally awesome 90s convertible. So suck it up.

Gene Hackman: Good. We got you. I will be your mentor, and also, I will ogle your wife at every opportunity.

[some of the LAWYERS at the FIRM are KILLED in the CAYMANS]

Tom Cruise: Huh. Weird. Perhaps I shall investigate this further.

Ed Harris: Yes, you should. Hello. I'm a federal agent, and I'm following you. And we can cut a deal with you if you inform on the firm: we'll let your brother out of jail.

Tom Cruise: I said not to mention my family!! Oh well, I will go visit him and see if this plan will work.

David Strathairn: Why I am so oddly attractive here in prison? Oh, and here's the name of a private investigator I know.

Gary Busey: HAHAHAHAHA of course I'll take your case did your brother tell you it was statutory rape I was in prison for this here's my secretary.

Holly Hunter: Hey.

[THE FIRM finds out that Cruise HIRED a PI and KILLS him and the secretary SEES it and RUNS to Tom Cruise in a RED WIG with a FRIED EGG SANDWICH]

Holly Hunter: They're mob lawyers!!!

Tom Cruise: This is getting crazy. Perhaps I will uncover a scheme of some kind at the firm to bring them down.

[he discovers an EXTREMELY MUNDANE BILLING DISCREPANCY that he will use to TAKE DOWN the EMPIRE]

Tom Cruise: So, hand over the secret files.*

Gene Hackman: Ho, ho, ho! You are a delight! Where's that pretty wife of yours?

Ed Harris: Where are the files?

Jeanne Tripplehorn: Why do you work so much?

Tom Cruise: DUDES! I am TRYING to ACT here. STOP BOTHERING ME WITH DETAILS.

[he TURNS UP the 90s SMOOTH JAZZ really loud so he can TELL his WIFE that their house is BUGGED and that the firm is BAD NEWS]

Jeanne Tripplehorn: I'm leaving, both for my protection, and also because of the infidelities you committed in the Caymans that you had to admit to me because the firm was blackmailing you with them. We'll pretend my mother is sick.

Gene Hackman: Oh, hello. I was just walking by the school you work at, conveniently at recess. Come to the Caymans with me.

Jeanne Tripplehorn: Ha ha! You are a cad. Please go away.

[she DISCOVERS that he will not be SCUBA DIVING on this trip, which is IMPORTANT because of The Cruise's PLAN]

Jeanne Tripplehorn: Perhaps I will distract Gene Hackman...with my body.

[meanwhile, in MEMPHIS]

Ed Harris: Get me those files!! They know you're working with us!! They're gonna kill you!

Wilford Brimley: Now, son, just come on in and we'll get this all sorted out - WHEN WE KILL YOU.

[Tom Cruise jumps out of the WINDOW into a literal TRUCK FULL OF COTTON]

Scary Hitman or Something: I shall get him.

[they have a CHASE to MUD ISLAND that includes a TRAM that can apparently be OUTRUN by a PERSON]

Tom Cruise: Oh HELL no!

[he runs into a SCARY BASEMENT and TRICKS Wilford Brimley into SHOOTING the scary hitman]

Wilford Brimley: If only I'd eaten more oatmeal!!! [dies]

[meanwhile, in the CAYMANS, where all SKETCHY BUSINESS occurs]

Gene Hackman: What are you doing here?

Jeanne Tripplehorn: I'm here to seduce you, drug you, and keep you away from the files so Holly Hunter can copy them, so we can be protected from the FBI. I mean - I'm here to do you.

[she DRUGS him and he PASSES OUT, but then he FIGURES OUT what happened and KILLS himself in his TUB]

Ed Harris: So, give us the files.

Tom Cruise: I can't. That would be breaking the attorney-client privilege. And I am highly ethical. So I can't. But I will give you a random white-collar crime they did. And I will take your money!! Yoink!!

David Strathairn: Thanks for the money. And this hot woman. I love your crooked little mouth.*

Holly Hunter: That ain't my best feature.*

[they SAIL OFF]

Jeanne Tripplehorn: Wait, but this means we know all the mob information, and the mob knows we know all the mob information. Why aren't they going to kill us?

Paul Sorvino: Yeah, why aren't we?

Tom Cruise: All the secret files are in a boat, safe and secure. If I turn up dead, they all go public. That's my life insurance policy. I came up with it all by myself. And I'm not gay.