Lifetime Movies Week: She's No Angel

I have to include the wikipedia synopsis here, because it is a) hilarious, b) possibly written by a ESL student and c) not actually that accurate in terms of who the protagonist is: Donald and Maureen are a married couple who get horrible news: their son was involved in a car accident and has passed away. His wife has never met Donald and Maureen. Despite of that, they take her in, because she is all alone. They soon discover she is not an angel to live with. I just love it.

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[it is A SMALL TOWN]

Tracey Gold: I'm a fighter, ya bastards! Now give me the money you owe me!!

Evil Bar Owner: So you can get on a bus outta here? No way.

Evil Bar Owner's Brother: And to prove his point, I'm going to rape you!

Tracey Gold: Oh yeah? Well I'm going to stab you, then!

[she DOES, and then RUNS AWAY to a TRUCK STOP]

Kindly Truck Stop Waitress: Well, hon, all you gots to do is say yer wish out loud, and it'll come true! I'll give you a free meal if you just say a wish.

Tracey Gold: Fuck you. I was on fucking Growing Pains.

[she finds a NICE COUPLE and HITCHES a RIDE]

Husband: We're newlyweds! Literally! And my family has never met my wife! And my wife has no family!

Wife: Here, try on my ring!

Tracey Gold: Uh...okay.

[they get into a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE ACCIDENT]

Doctor: Well, it looks like your son's body was completely demolished in the horrible accident. And we can't tell if there were any passengers in the car, either. Everything was destroyed. But the person we assume is your new daughter-in-law is alive!

Fake Mother-in-Law: Oh, thank God! You're our only connection to our son!

Fake Father-in-Law: You'll come live with us.

Tracey Gold: Uh...I'm not...

Fake Mother-in-Law: DON'T TALK!! IT'S TOO MUCH STRESS!!!! I CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE STRESS RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Tracey Gold: Okay.

[she goes to their VINEYARD and becomes like FAMILY, though she is a COMPLETE STRANGER]

Fake Father-in-Law: Learn the wine business! Be in a picture with us! Meet our son's best friend!

Best Friend: You're so cool. You remind me of my dead friend.

[meanwhile, in the SMALL TOWN]

Evil Bar Owner: Whaaaaa? This is the girl who killed my brother when he raped her. I shall have revenge.

[he FINDS HER and BLACKMAILS her, so she starts STEALING from the WINERY]

Tracey Gold: I don't feel so good. And since Lifetime Movie Law dictates that any female character "not feeling well" must be pregnant...I'm pregnant.

Fake Mother-in-Law: A grandchild! Huzzah!!

Best Friend: Marry me!

Tracey Gold: Listen, I'm a terrible person. I'm not the wife of your best friend, and I'm being blackmailed by this guy because I killed his brother, who was a rapist, and the baby is actually the rapist's baby.

Best Friend: Oh. Well, I still love you, whoever you are.

Fake Mother-in-Law: At least you were honest with us eventually.

[they have a HUGE FIGHT with the EVIL BAR OWNER, who ends up getting RUN OVER]

Tracey Gold: I think we can all learn a lesson here: if you lie to people at first, but then tell the truth, they will still love you.