The Bodyguard

[it is AMERICA]

Kevin Costner: I only stay at my bodyguarding assignments for a short time. That way, I don't get emotionally involved.

Whitney Houston: I don't NEED no bodyguard! I got Tony! This bodyguard drinks orange juice! What kind of man drinks orange juice?!?

Kevin Costner: Look, I'm the best, okay? And someone is stalking you and wants to kill you.

[he throws some KNIVES to prove his BODYGUARDING SKILL]

Dude Who Always Plays a Wise Old Black Man: Okay, you're hired!

Whitney Houston's Sister: Yes, you're hired. I love my sister, but she outshines me. This information may seem out of place now, but it may come in handy later.

[Kevin Costner RAMPS UP the SECURITY at her house and talks to her SON about BOATS]

Whitney Houston: God, I hate having you around all the time! Pass me that jacket!

Kevin Costner: I'm here to protect you, not help you shop.*

Whitney Houston: I like how you sass me. I think I might love you.

[they go on a DATE, since he would have to go on a DATE with her anyway, and dance to a MAN singing "I Will Always Love You"]

Whitney Houston: I like this song, but it's kind of depressing. Also, is this a full-service date?*

[they BONE]

Kevin Costner: Oh, shit. No. This is bad. I gotta protect you, and I can't do that if I'm emotionally attached to you. Or physically attached. At the penis.

[Whitney Houston sings a CONTEXTUALLY APPROPRIATE SONG, and some more people try to KILL her]

Kevin Costner: I know! I'll take you out to the woods!

[they have a NICE TIME in the WOODS, until...]

Whitney's Little Boy: Look! I'm on a boat!!

Kevin Costner: Noooooooooooooooooo!

[he JUMPS on him and PUSHES him in the WATER and everyone is like WTF]

Cocky Black Chauffeur: How are we gonna get the boat back?*

[the boat EXPLODES and you're like DAMN]

Kevin Costner: This is crazy! I bet it's the sister.

Whitney Houston's Sister: I HATE HER! I hired someone to kill her. But the person stalking her now isn't associated with me.

[there is a GUNFIGHT and she gets shot, and NO ONE knows that she was BAD]

Whitney Houston: Well, time for the Oscars. I'm sure they're perfectly safe.

[someone tries to SHOOT her, but Kevin Costner FLINGS himself in the path of the BULLET and SAVES her]

Whitney Houston: We can never be together, but I will sing you this song that people play at weddings, even though it is like the saddest song ever.

[she gets on a PLANE and BEGINS to leave, but makes the plane STOP in the middle of the RUNWAY so she can KISS him again]

Kevin Costner: Bye. I'm going to go be a secret service agent again.