The Shawshank Redemption

[it is the OLDEN DAYS]
Judge: You are guilty of killing your wife and her lover!!
Tim Robbins: I...uh...no...I'm not. Seriously. I mean, I look very suspicious, but seriously. I didn't do it.
Judge: You are sentenced to life in prison!! TWICE!!!
[meanwhile, in that AFOREMENTIONED PRISON]
Parole Board: So, do you think you're fixed?
Morgan Freeman: Oh, yes, sir, I'm a changed man, mm-hmm, I certainly am, sir.
Huge Red Stamp: REJECTED!!
Morgan Freeman: I'm a prisoner. And a smooth-voiced narrator. Time was, I was in prison. I ran that shit. I got cigarettes for everyone.
The Warden: I LOVE JESUS AND AM A JACKASS.
Tim Robbins: I didn't do it.
Morgan Freeman: Suuuuuuuure. Everyone in here is innocent, didn't you know?
Tim Robbins: Can you get me some unorthodox items? I will not use them for anything but making chess pieces.
[he DOES]
Tim Robbins: I know things about taxes, because I was a banker. Also, I am innocent.
[he does some TAX THINGS and gets BEER for his BUDDIES and they drink it on the ROOF and it looks DELICIOUS]
Scary Convict: You better blow me, fish!
Tim Robbins: Anything you put in my mouth, you're gonna lose.*
[he gets BEAT UP but is RESPECTED after that]
The Warden: So I hear you're good with numbers. Let's do some taxes. I'm sure giving a convict who insists he's innocent access to all my financial information isn't a bad idea at all.
[the REALLY OLD DUDE gets RELEASED but the world is TOO MUCH and he HANGS HIMSELF and it is WAY SAD]
Tim Robbins: I'm innocent! And I'm going to play opera over the loudspeakers!
Morgan Freeman: I do love opera. And performing voiceovers. Let me narrate soothingly to you some more. Also, and this is important, now, Tim Robbins has a poster of a different, era-appropriate bombshell in his cell. Don't you go forgettin' that.
A Guy Who Should Probably Be Played By Either Dermot Mulroney or Dylan McDermot, But Is Neither: I'm new here! And a punk! But I wanna learn!
Tim Robbins: I shall teach you with the many books I have assembled in this prison.
Non-Dermot: Oh, also: I had a cellmate who said he killed a banker's wife, and the banker got convicted for it.
The Warden: WHAAAAAT? Have him killed.
[the guards SHOOT HIM and it is WAY SAD AGAIN]
Tim Robbins: But I'm innocent!!!!
Morgan Freeman: Me too, son. Me too. I'd like to go to Mexico, but I guess I'm in here instead. Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.*
Tim Robbins: Let me tell you about an out-of-the-way place I know about that seems insignificant and maybe weird now, but will make sense later.
[he ESCAPES because ALL THE TIME he was digging a TUNNEL and HIDING it under the GIRLIE POSTERS and you're like YESSSSS THAT IS AWESOME]
The Warden: WHAAAAAAT??
[he gets TOTALLY BUSTED for all the CORRUPTION and shit, but KILLS himself before they can GET HIM]
Morgan Freeman: Oh, my! This is the most exciting, yet most soothing part of the narration.
Parole Board: So, do you think you're fixed?
Morgan Freeman: I don't give a shit.*
Huge Red Stamp: APPROVED!!
[he FINDS the money in the OUT-OF-THE-WAY PLACE and goes to MEXICO and they are FRIENDS and it is WONDERFUL]

Cloverfield

[it is NEW YORK]
Generic Hot Dude: Ha ha ha!! I love this camera! And you! Wait...we're just friends. Maybe I don't love you. My biggest problem is my relationship with you!
Generic Hot Girl: Hee hee hee! We're so generically hot and happy! I've never been to Coney Island! Maybe that's because we're elitists.
[some time LATER]
Hud: Dude! Rob's going to Japan! Say something for the camera!
Rob's Attractive Friends: Bye Rob!! Have fun in Japan! I heard you did it with your friend!
Generic Hot Dude: Uh...yeah.
Generic Hot Girl: We slept together, but we're fighting now.
[she LEAVES and people KEEP PARTYING]
Hud, the Guy with the Camera: Yo, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!
[a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION happens, and a HUGE FUCKING MONSTER is tromping around]
Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK????
[everyone fucking FREAKS OUT, but for some reason Hud KEEPS FILMING in an AMATEURISH WAY]
Someone: Oh my god! The head of the Statue of Liberty just flew through the air! This monster hates freedom! It must be French!!
[they try to go to BROOKLYN, but the BRIDGE collapses and his brother BITES IT]
Generic Hot Dude: We gotta go find my friend-with-benefits that I just had a fight with, even though we are way downtown, and she lives in Midtown, which is way far, especially considering that there's a monster on the loose.
The Brother's Girlfriend: Nooooooo!!! I'm so ethnically ambiguous!!
[they go into an OBVIOUSLY FAKE subway station]
Hud: I guess I'll just keep filming with this handheld camera.
[they go into a TUNNEL and find some BABY MONSTERS with the NIGHT-VISION on their camera and it is WAY SCARY]
Janis Ian from Mean Girls: Ow! My shoulder! The baby monster alien thing bit it!
Hud: I still love you.
Military People: Here is the deadline of when you have to get off the island of Manhattan, to add drama.
Generic Hot Dude: We still need to find my not-girlfriend!!
[they go to COLUMBUS CIRCLE and the buildings are like FUCKED]
Generic Hot Dude: I know! We'll just climb to the top of that one building, and hop on over to her building. Easy!!
[they climb like SIXTY STORIES, which is BASICALLY UNTHINKABLE]
Generic Hot Dude: I found you!! ...now what?
Generic Hot Girl: Perhaps our attractiveness will save us.
[they RUN AROUND for a while and look at the DESTRUCTION]
Janis Ian: Gahhhh!!
Hud: Guhhhhh!!
[they DIE in GROSS WAYS]
Generic Hot Dude: Hi, people watching this. We got eaten by a monster or an alien or something.
[the film CUTS BACK to Coney Island for some MODICUM of CLOSURE]
Generic Hot Girl: Look!!! I'm at Coney Island!! Maybe I'm not a snob!!

Striking Distance

[it is 1991]
Bruce Willis: Dad, I'm so happy we're cops together! It's too bad I testified against my cousin and partner in his police brutality trial and now everyone hates me.
Frasier's Dad: It's okay, son, you did the right thing. Now, let's see if we can't catch this Polish Hill killer everyone's talking about.
[they go on a CAR CHASE, like, IMMEDIATELY, which ends with the dad getting KILLED]
Bruce Willis: Noooooooo!!
Dennis Farina: My nephew, it's okay. Even though you betrayed my son, your cousin, Robert Pastorelli, I still like you.
Tom Sizemore: Me too!
[some RANDOM is ARRESTED for the POLISH HILL murders]
Bruce Willis: This isn't right! I know it was a cop!
Dennis Farina: Dude, everyone already hates you...don't make it worse.
Robert Pastorelli: I'm going to kill myself by jumping off this bridge, since Pittsburgh has a lot of them!
[they TRY to stop him but he JUMPS and goes in the RIVER]
Bruce Willis: What have I doooooooonnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee?????
[two years LATER]
Bruce Willis: Now I am a river rescue cop, because everyone in homicide hates me. And a drunk.
That Redheaded Guy from Thirtysomething: Willis!!!!
[he SHAKES his FIST]
Bruce Willis: I'm going to continue to investigate my father's murder in an obsessive manner, because I play BY MY OWN RULES.
Sarah Jessica Parker: You've got another think coming, since I'm your new, by-the-book partner!!
[they INVESTIGATE some shit and have a BOAT CHASE, after which they find some DEAD BODIES]
Bruce Willis: Hmm. These new bodies look suspiciously like they might be victims of the killer I investigated two years ago. I wonder if it is the same guy. Also, all the victims are my ex-girlfriends. Huh.
Sarah Jessica Parker: I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Now, since we will end up sleeping together eventually, let's just do it now.
[they DO]
Some Captain: Bruce Willis is out of line! Again! Will he ever play a cop who plays by the rules!?!? Get him into an IA hearing.
[they DO, because SJP is an INTERNAL AFFAIRS cop assigned to INVESTIGATE him, but she COVERS for him because they BONED]
Bruce Willis: I just gotta figure out my father's murder!!
Tom Sizemore: I'll help you, since you are my cousin!
Dennis Farina: Maybe you shouldn't. There's an old Italian saying: don't burn your mouth on another man's broth.*
Bruce Willis: Well, there's an old Irish saying: never listen to old Italian sayings.*
[he CONTINUES to investigate]
Robert Pastorelli: Hey! I'm not dead! And I captured your little girlfriend!
[he POTENTIALLY DIES, like, FIVE times but is NEVER ACTUALLY DEAD]
Bruce Willis: Why won't you die?!?!?
Dennis Farina: Wait! Don't kill him! Also, he is the killer from two years ago, and I killed your dad to protect my kid.
Bruce Willis: Whaaaaaaaa?
[he KILLS everyone except SJP]

She Cried No

...or "Teen Sitcom Stars Talkin' Bout Acquaintance Rape."

This was discovered when I was cleaning out my computer (I ran out of disk space when my friend Jeremy gave me this). The movie's from several years ago, and I apparently watched it during some sort of Thanksgiving Lifetime movie marathon. Also, I couldn't really find a very good poster image, so enjoy this pic of Zack at the Max, before he started date-raping people from other shows.
~~~~~~~~~~~
DJ from Full House: He raped me!
Zack Morris from Saved By the Bell: No I didn't!
Six from Blossom: I was raped too!
DJ: Cool, someone found some photographic evidence! Now I'm not ashamed anymore.
[message on screen]: Colleges, don't let your female students get drunk and raped.

Big

[it is NEW JERSEY]
The Kid from Newsies Who is Not Christian Bale: Being a kid is pretty great, but I hate it when I get embarrassed at a carnival because I'm not tall enough to ride on a ride with a pretty girl. Gosh, I wish I were big.
[a WEIRD MACHINE called ZOLTAR grants his wish, even though it is UNPLUGGED]
Tom Hanks: OMG! I'm still that kid! But I'm a man! But somehow my underpants fit! What is going on?!?!
Mercedes Ruehl: WHERE IS MY SON?!?!?!
Tom Hanks: Help me, best friend!!
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: You have proven that you are actually my best friend with your singing of the "shimmy, shimmy, coco pops" song. Let's have hilarious times!
[they DO, for a WHILE, but then they go to a SEEDY MOTEL and it is SCARY]
Lady at Some Bureau: It will take us 6 weeks to get you the location of the Zoltar machine. BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION, folks.
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: Well, I guess you need to get a job, even though you have no identification, references, skills, or education.
[somehow, they FIND HIM ONE at a TOY company, which is GREAT because HELLO he is a CHILD]
Jon Lovitz: Sup. I'm in this movie.
Robert Loggia, President of the Company: You have done something impressive, young man! I am giving you a big promotion, though you have been here a week. Your childlike manner is perfect in the toy industry.
[they DANCE on the BIG PIANO and everyone LOVES it]
The Dad from Home Alone: This guy cannot be for real. I am suspicious of him. Use your feminine wiles to investigate him.
Elizabeth Perkins: Are you sure? You seem like kind of a douche, and he seems super-nice. This plan could really easily backfire.
[it DOES]
Tom Hanks: Let's go on the trampoline!! I have a crazy apartment that I got with no credit rating! Awesome!!
Elizabeth Perkins: I am sort of weirded out, but in a good way.
[Tom Hanks eats BABY CORN like it is REAL CORN for, like, FIVE MINUTES and it is GENUINELY HILARIOUS]
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: I got the results back! You can come home!
Tom Hanks: I am very busy now, please go away. Adult life is stressful.
[he WALKS AROUND and GAZES at CHILDREN, thinking back to when he was a BOY, which was LAST MONTH]
Tom Hanks: Wait, I want to be a kid again!!
Elizabeth Perkins: You're dumping me? Because you're a KID? WHAT?!?!
[he LEAVES a meeting DRAMATICALLY and goes to the ZOLTAR MACHINE]
Elizabeth Perkins: I believe you now, because you are at this park. Clearly, your explanation is the only explanation. I'll drive you home.
[she DOES, and somehow SEES him turn BACK into a KID in a COMICALLY LARGE SUIT, but it is still TEAR-INDUCING]
Everyone: Keep the child within you alive! Get a pinball machine and all your troubles will be solved!

Kinky Boots

[it is NORTHERN ENGLAND]
Papa Price: Son, this is my shoe factory. I love it so much!! I assume you will follow in my footsteps. I am placing all my hopes and dreams for the future of this company on you.
Charlie Price: Uh...no thanks.
[he moves to LONDON with his MEAN GIRLFRIEND, but his dad DIES the DAY he moves there]
Charlie Price: Bugger.
[he RETURNS to the FACTORY and finds out it is TOTALLY FAILING]
Charlie Price: Sorry, guys...I have to lay off some people. I don't know what else to do.
Cute Pixie-Haired Worker Girl: Figure out a niche market!!
[he goes to LONDON to try to SELL SHOES but CANNOT]
Charlie Price: A woman in trouble! I shall prove my manliness by saving her.
[the DAMSEL turns out to be a TRANNY]
Black Guy From Love Actually Tranny: I don't need your help, for I am actually a very muscular man, in drag. Damn! My heel has broken again! Why can't I find a well-made pair of kinky boots??
Charlie Price: IDEA!!! I'll make you some boots that can hold a man's weight! I have a shoe factory!
[he and the PIXIE-HAIR GIRL make some SERIOUSLY UGLY BOOTS]
Tranny: Burgundy. Please God, tell me I have not inspired something BURGUNDY.*
[she REDESIGNS the BOOTS so they are WALKING TUBES OF SEX]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Hey there love, fancy a ---WHAAAA? You're a bloke!!
[there is a lot of MANLINESS talk and an ARM-WRESTLING CONTEST that the TRANNY should have WON, but DIDN'T]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Now I respect you, because you let me win.
[the FACTORY WORKERS get TIRED of the PERFECTIONISM of the BOSS and QUIT]
Charlie Price: You can't quit!! We have Milan!! I need you!!!
Bitchy Girlfriend: Just sell the damn factory! I hate this town! Here are some more things I will say to make everyone happy when I dump you so you can end up with the cute pixie-hair girl!
Charlie Price: No! I love my workers! They are awesome! And you're a bitch!
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: I have also changed my mind about the boss after overhearing him. Let's work EVEN HARDER.
[they DO, and finish all the BOOTS, which have a POCKET for a WHIP in them]
Charlie Price: Thanks for designing all the boots for me, Lola. But why do you wear a dress? Now, all of a sudden, I have decided to judge your lifestyle.
[she BOUNCES and he is left WITHOUT A MODEL for the Milan show]
Cute Pixie-Hair Girl: I think there's really only one option here. You have to be very secure in your manhood, and on your feet, but I think you can do it.
[he goes on the RUNWAY with NO PANTS in the THIGH-HIGH BOOTS and TOTALLY FALLS]
Tranny: It's okay. I'm here now. With my fucking awesome tranny backup singers.
[they perform a MEDLEY of SHOE-RELATED HITS]
Everyone: I have learned something about society...and myself.

Fatal Attraction

In the starpulse.com synopsis of this movie, it says: "[Glenn Close] conveys the buried feminist message of the film in her challenge to Dan to take responsibility for his sexual behavior." Buried feminist message? REALLY? The two main female characters are:
1. a woman whose only identity is "Dan's wife/mother of his child"
2. a crazy psycho stalker.

If there's a feminist message, it's down there below the Lost City of Atlantis, y'all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1980s]
Michael Douglas: In my house, we don't wear pants. Not me, not my hot wife Anne Archer, not my daughter who looks like a boy. No pants. Until we leave the house.
Jane Krakowski: I'm here to babysit your child! I'll be famous later!
[they go to a PARTY for a JAPANESE EXERCISE BOOK]
Glenn Close: YOUR FRIEND IS NOT ATTRACTIVE, BUT YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE.
Michael Douglas: I'm married, but you'll soon see that that doesn't matter.
Anne Archer: Bye, honey! I'm taking our androgynous child to the country!
Glenn Close: WITH YOUR WIFE OUT OF THE PICTURE, I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
Michael Douglas: You shared your umbrella with me. In my book, that means you get to have sex with me.
[they BONE, though there has been NO INDICATION that Michael Douglas is a CHEATER]
Glenn Close: LET'S HANG OUT. BRING YOUR DOG SO WE CAN FROLIC.
[they have a FUN-FILLED DAY and talk about MADAME BUTTERFLY, which is basically the LEAST OBTUSE PARALLEL EVER]
Michael Douglas: Well, it's been fun. Thanks for the sex and spaghetti. Better get back to my wife.
Glenn Close: NOOOOO!!
[she SLITS her WRISTS and you're like BITCH CRAZY]
Michael Douglas: God. I might be a jerk, but I'm not THAT big a jerk.
[he STAYS, but only because she is INSANE]
Michael Douglas: Okay. For real. I'm going. Don't try to contact me.
[she CALLS him at the OFFICE and at HOME and STALKS him ALL OVER]
Michael Douglas: Get away from me! You're only good for one thing, even though the fact that you're a successful, seemingly independent woman! You're still just a whore!
Glenn Close: I MIGHT BE A WHORE, BUT I'M A PREGNANT WHORE!! IT'S YOUR BABY!
Michael Douglas: Shit.
[he RUNS AWAY to the COUNTRY, but she FINDS him]
Tina, my roommate: This is boring. Let's fast forward to the exciting part.
[during the BORING PART, he buys a RABBIT for his little girl, which subsequently gets COOKED by Glenn Close, and his WIFE almost gets KILLED by cut BRAKE LINES, and he TELLS his wife and she FORGIVES him]
Anne Archer: I'm so glad we live in the country and all that mess is behind us. I'm going to take a relaxing bath.
[Glenn Close APPEARS in the mirror BEHIND HER]
Glenn Close: YOU CAN TELL I'M CRAZY BECAUSE I KEEP CUTTING MY OWN LEG WITH THIS HUGE KNIFE. BUT SOON I WILL CUT YOU WITH IT.
Anne Archer: No!! My hair is bigger than yours!! I will triumph!
Michael Douglas: La, la, la...makin' tea. Can't hear the knife fight going on upstairs because this teakettle whistles too loudly! WAIT A MINUTE...
[he RUNS upstairs and DROWNS Glenn Close in the TUB]
Michael Douglas: That was surprisingly eas--
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Anne Archer: [SHOOTS her in the HEAD and it is AWESOME]
Michael Douglas: Huh. Maybe women are good for something other than sex and mothering.

The Princess Bride

I've been trying to write this one for years. YEARS, I tell you. I just love it so much, and have seen it so many times, and know so many lines...it's like trying to describe every mole and freckle on your own body to someone. A daunting task. Then today, in the shower, inspiration. Simple. To the point. Not my usual formula, but for this movie, I had to scrap convention. God, I love this movie.
~~~
[it is the 80s]
Peter Falk: I brought you a book.
Fred Savage: Is this a kissing book?
[meanwhile, in THE BOOK]
Buttercup: Fetch me that pitcher.
Westley: As you wish.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
[they RIDE AWAY on WHITE HORSES, after KISSING]