Guest Post: Waitress

So in Waitress, Keri Russell and Jeremy Sisto have a baby. But WHAT IF the characters for which they are best known - Felicity and Elton (or "El'on" as Tai says it) - had a baby together? Felicity would be all, "Oh my god, my life! My LIFE!! It's turning upside down and I don't know what to do and maybe I should cut my hair." And Elton would be like, "Baby, do these shoes make me look RICH?" and Felicity would be like, "Can we have a serious conversation about serious topics, such as pregnancy, that affect the lives of upper-middle-class college Americans who have romanticized ideals about life?" and Elton would be like, "Have you seen my Cranberries CD?" and Felicity would be like, "I can't choose anything, ever, in life! I'm going to make indecision FABULOUS! Even though in the case of pregnancy, not making a decision really is making a decision...as with everything. I have learned a lesson." and Elton would be like, "Hey! 'Rollin' with the Homies' is on! Where's Murray?" And Murray would dance. And everyone likes it when Murray dances. Particularly Laura McClain, who also likes pie.
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[it is an UNSPECIFIED part of RURAL America]
Keri Russell: Don’t turn pink. Don’t turn pink! I don’t want no baby!
Cheryl Hines: It’s pink. You’re preggers.
Keri Russell: Dammit! I just want to make pies!
[this is TRUE, for it is ALL she DOES]
Keri Russell: I don’t want no baby. I really, really hate my husband.
[Jeremy Sisto DRIVES up HONKING the horn REPEATEDLY, even though she is RIGHT THERE]
Jeremy Sisto: Why ain’t you ever happy to see me? Where’s the money you made? What makes you think you don’t have to have sex with me whenever I want you to? Tell me that you love me. Do it. Do it now. DO IT!
Audience: Aaaaa!
[she MAKES a pie called “I Don’t Want Earl’s Baby” pie, and it looks DELICIOUS]
Nathan Fillion: Hey, I’m your new OB/GYN. You sure are pretty.
Keri Russell: I don’t want no baby. But I’ll have it. I ain’t telling my husband though.
Nathan Fillion: You’d better come in for an appointment. Really early tomorrow morning.
Keri Russell: What’s wrong with me?
Nathan Fillion: Um, nothing, actually.
[they MAKE OUT]
Keri Russell: Woohoo! This affair has invigorated me!
[she TRIES to RUN away, but her GROSS husband CATCHES her, and she TELLS him about the BABY]
Jeremy Sisto: Just promise me that you won’t love the baby more than me.*
Keri Russell: Ummm…OKAY.
Andy Griffith: Hey, remember me?? I’m still kicking! My crusty-yet-tender self can see that you are so much better than your life here, little pregnant waitress.
[she DESPAIRS, because who WOULDN’T?]
Adrienne Shelley: I have a date! Awesome!
Her Date: I love you!!!! I want to write you a spontaneous poem!!! MARRY ME!
Adrienne Shelley: Aaaaa!
[they GET MARRIED]
Keri Russell: I want to run away with you, doctor.
Nathan Fillion: Okay, sounds good. Meet me outside.
Keri Russell: Oops…water just broke.
[she GOES into LABOR and HAS the BABY, but won’t LOOK at it]
Nurse: Um…would you please look at your baby?
[she DOES and FALLS in LOVE with it IMMEDIATELY]
Keri Russell: I hate you, husband. Get the hell away from me!
Jeremy Sisto: Whaaaa?
Cheryl Hines: Hey, Andy Griffith died. Good thing, cause we all hated him. He left you an envelope.
Keri Russell: I loved him!
[there is MAD CASH in the ENVELOPE, plus a CARD that SAYS “To My Only Friend” WHICH is PRETTY SAD]
Keri Russell: Hey doctor. Thanks for being cool. I’m breaking up with you.
Nathan Fillion: Whaaa?
[Keri Russell BUYS the PIE SHOP with her BABY and lives HAPPILY ever AFTER]