[it is TATOOINE]
Luke: We gotta find Han!! Let's go seek out the dangerous gangster Jabba the Hutt! Wait...isn't that...LEIA??
[bown-chicka-wow-wow...Leia is CLAD in a GOLD BIKINI and looks CRAZY HOT because Jabba CAPTURED her]
Luke: Daaaaaaamn!
Jabba: As I am a gelatinous mass as well as a mob boss, I don't do any of my own killing, so...you shall fight the Rancor!!
Luke: Pshaw! I have the Force. I will defeat the Rancor!
[he DOES so]
Rancor Keeper: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!! [he WEEPS]
Jabba: Uh...okay, the Saarlac then! All of you! Even Han Solo, who was encased in carbonite!
Han Solo: Chewie? Is that you? I'm BLIND!!!!
Leia: Shut up, ya big lug. It's me, your lady.
[they go to the SAARLAC PIT, which will DIGEST you for A MILLION BILLION YEARS]
R2D2: Beep boop beep!!
Luke: Thanks, Artoo! Now we can defeat everyone!
Boba Fett: Noooooo!! I'm too awesome to die!!
[they BATTLE and Leia STRANGLES Jabba and no one GOOD falls into the PIT]
Luke: K, I gotta go back to Dagobah to see Yoda.
Yoda: Good to go, you are. Truly your father, Darth Vader was.
Spirit of Obi-Wan: Oh, and Leia's your twin sister, so you might want to tone down the crush juuuuuust a little. We all know she looks fine in a gold bikini.
[at the REBEL ATTACK PLAN meeting]
Leia: Okay, so we have to go to Endor and disable the Death Star's shield. I don't know what kind of awful creatures will be on this moon, but it could be bad.
[they ENCOUNTER Ewoks, the most cuddliest/annoying creatures in the GALAXY]
Leia: Oh. Never mind.
Luke: K, have fun...I have to go fix my daddy issues.
[he BATTLES Darth Vader and TRIES not to go down the DARK PATH, but it is SUPER HARD]
Emperor: HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Kill your father!!!
Luke: Noooooooooooo!!!!
Emperor: Fine! I shall kill you with MIND LIGHTNING!!!
[he TRIES, but Darth Vader STOPS him and SACRIFICES himself for his SON]
Luke: Take your mask off...I want to see you.
Vader: Okay. Please try not to be alarmed that I am kind of gross looking, and not James Earl Jones.
[they have a TENDER moment]
Luke: We should probably go, because my friends are trying to blow up the Death Star and will somehow succeed against, like, a lot of imperial troops, because they're plucky.
[the rebels DESTROY the Death Star...again...and then RETURN to Endor and Luke makes a FUNERAL PYRE]
Han Solo: So...while I was encased in carbonite, you probably got it on with Luke, right?
Leia: I love Luke...
Han Solo: Shit! What's he got that I ain't got?
Leia: ...he's my brother, idiot.
Han Solo: Oh. Cool. Let's make out.
[they DO, and the EWOKS have a PARTY that includes the SPIRITS of everyone DEAD]
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