[it is a LONG TIME AGO in a galaxy FAR, FAR AWAY]
Princess Leia: Here, little robot. Take my missive to Ben Kenobi. He can help me with this war...in the stars.
R2D2: Beep boop!
[it is TATOOINE]
Uncle Owen: Go get me some droids! I know I'm not your father, but I have raised you as my own, Luke Skywalker, and you should do what I say.
Luke: Aw man! I was going to Toschi Station to pick up some power converters!* Fine, I'll get some damn droids.
C3PO: I am a translator droid, and also gay, though I am a machine.
R2D2: Beeeeeep!
[they go back to the MOISTURE FARM where Luke lives and DISCOVER the message]
Luke: Whaaaaa? Well, I guess this is for that hermitty dude. Let's go find him.
[they get CAPTURED by SAND PEOPLE but are SAVED by Ben Kenobi, who is also named OBI-WAN, which I didn't get until I was, like, FOURTEEN]
Obi-Wan: This droid has a message for me! We have to go help Leia. Also, Darth Vader killed your dad.
Luke: Moisture farming is a lot of responsibility, though...I should get back.
[he GOES HOME to find his family MURDERED]
Luke: Guess I'm going with Obi-Wan.
[he GAZES mournfully at the DOUBLE SUN of Tatooine]
Obi-Wan: Okay, let's go - I think we can hitch a ride with someone from this one bar I know.
Stormtroopers: Hey! Aren't those the droids we're looking for?
Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.*
[he WAVES his HAND and makes a MAGIC because he is a JEDI and has POWERS]
Stormtroopers: These aren't the droids we're looking for.*
[they find Han Solo, who made the KESSEL RUN in under TWELVE PARSECS, though that is a unit of DISTANCE and not TIME]
Han Solo: I'm rough and tough and I shot first. You can hitch a ride, old man and little boy. You just have to be prepared for my gritty stylings.
Chewbacca: Rrrrrrraarrrghhhh!
[they fly to ALDERAAN, which is Leia's PLANET, only to find it was BLOWN UP by the DEATH STAR, which pulls the MILLENIUM FALCON in on its TRACTOR BEAM]
Luke: Aw man! What are we gonna do now!?!?
Obi-Wan: I got this one, guys. Go find the princess.
[they find her in a PRISON CELL where STORMTROOPERS swarm about and HIT THEIR HEADS on stuff]
Leia: Thanks for rescuing me, though you strike me as being ruffians, though possibly hot. I guess we'll have to see if I want to make out with either of you, or if we're related.
[they get TRAPPED in a TRASH COMPACTOR with a big-ass SNAKE but make a NARROW ESCAPE]
Luke: Obi-Wan's fighting Darth Vader, the guy who killed my father! Everyone be quiet!
[Obi-Wan is STRUCK DOWN by Vader]
Luke: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
Han Solo: You idiot. Now they know we're here. Let's bounce.
[they get back on the FALCON and go to the REBEL BASE and make PLANS to DESTROY the DEATH STAR, which should be EASY since the target is the same size as a WOMP RAT]
Wedge Antilles: I...just wanted to mention that I have the best name ever. That's it.
[they FLY AROUND a bunch and eventually Luke HITS the DEATH STAR using the FORCE and BLOWS it UP, because if you hit this one WOMP RAT sized area, that's what HAPPENS]
Darth Vader: Nooooooooo!!!!
[he SPINS WILDLY in his tiny SHIP]
R2D2: Beep boop!
Luke: Hooray! We did it! Everything's happy now! ...that princess sure is pretty.
Han Solo: Damn, that princess is fine, even if she does think I'm a nerf herder.
Leia: You boys have done a great service for the Rebel Alliance. Here, have some medals.
[they are all HAPPY...for now...]
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