13 Going on 30

[it is the 1980s]
Little Jennifer Garner: OMG! I am so totally nerdy but I wish I could be popular and be friends with the popular girls!
Little Mark Ruffalo: You’re not nerdy…you’re awesome. I could never be awesome enough for you, because I am fat and awkward.
Little Jennifer Garner: Shut up. Though you are my best friend, you are salting my game with the popular kids.
[they have a PARTY and invite the POPULAR KIDS, who TRICK her and are generally MEAN]
Little Jennifer Garner: I wish I was thirty!
[due to MAGICAL FAIRY WISH DUST, she WAKES UP and is THIRTY]
Jennifer Garner: OMG! I’ve got boobs! And an awesome apartment! And boobs! And a naked man! Eww! Ewww!!!
[she goes to WORK at a FASHION MAG with her NEW BEST FRIEND, Judy Greer, who is one of the POPULAR GIRLS]
Judy Greer: Ugh. Everything is so totally lame, all the time, and I hate everything, because I am a biotch.
Jennifer Garner: I have childlike wonder! Hurrah! Where’s my friend Matt?
Judy Greer: Ew, gross. You are, like, SO not friends with him.
[Jennifer Garner TRACKS DOWN Mark Ruffalo, who lives in CHINATOWN because he is ARTY and COOL in his OWN WAY]
Mark Ruffalo: Um…we’re not friends anymore.
Jennifer Garner: Whatevs, come to this party with me!
[they go to a FASHION PARTY and do a choreographed dance to THRILLER and SAVE the party]
Mark Ruffalo: Perhaps I was wrong about you. Let me photograph some beautiful pictures for you.
Jennifer Garner: Hurrah! My life is wondrous!
Judy Greer: I hate you! And since all popular girls are bitches who stab their “friends” in the back, I will now turn you in as the person who has been selling our secrets to our rival magazine!! And also trick your photographer friend!
Mark Ruffalo: Now I hate you too!!
Jennifer Garner: But…I didn’t do anything wrong! I love life! I’m nice now! Nooooo!!!
[she WAKES UP and is THIRTEEN again]
Little Jennifer Garner: I should have made out with you all along, fat best friend, because you are going to be super-hot later in life.
Little Mark Ruffalo: Oh boy!
[they get MARRIED]