Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

A Place in the Sun

This movie is legit incredible. It's all sad and sexy and chock-full of insightful social commentary. My one quibble is that I kind of think that if you're making a movie about someone trying to social-climb and encountering true obstacles, you shouldn't cast someone who is this hot. Hot people can do whatever they want! Is anyone ever going to keep a hottie from attending a party because they have cheap shoes or something? BEAUTY IS CURRENCY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

***

[it is the REPRESSED 1950s. Montgomery Clift HITCHHIKES as the camera ZOOMS IN on his hot, troubled face]

Montgomery Clift: How I wish I could get in that beautiful car with that beautiful woman, who is speeding away from me. 

[he instead GETS a LIFT in a truck CONTAINING live chickens]

Montgomery Clift: Hello. I'm here to see my uncle, the owner of this swimsuit company. 

His Uncle: Ah yes! Come to my house tonight, my boy, and we'll discuss your future! 

His Aunt: Are you SURE you want to give him a job, darling? He's so poor and his mother was so RELIGIOUS. How vulgar!

[Montgomery Clift ARRIVES in a cheap suit and is ASHAMED but he's SUPER hot so who CARES?]  

His Uncle: You're family and we take care of family down at Bikini, Inc. My son will give you a job worthy of your station.

[Elizabeth Taylor ENTERS and is BREATHTAKING and VIVACIOUS]

Elizabeth Taylor: Tra la! Come on everyone, time to go to a rich-person party!

[literally everyone LEAVES and Monty is not INVITED]

Montgomery Clift: I will say nothing but my face will show a thousand feelings.

[it is the FACTORY]

Monty's Cousin: So the girls place swimsuits into boxes and you stack them. Sometimes you'll put them on a cart. Easy enough for you, dumdum?

[it is NOT at first but he GETS better at the EASIEST job in the WORLD as Factory Girl Shelley Winters GAZES at him]

Montgomery Clift: Well, well, well. Fancy running into you at this movie theater. Guess what, I'm walking you home.

Shelley Winters: I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter, but OK. You just can't come inside. 

Montgomery Clift: Guess what, I'm coming inside.

[he TURNS UP the radio and the camera PANS away to INDICATE that they are DOING IT and honestly, I'm not SEEING a lot of ENTHUSIASTIC consent here]

[time PASSES, INDICATED by FLYING calendar pages]

Monty's Uncle: My boy, what are you doing on the line? This won't do! Go work in the office. And come to a ball at my house while you're at it. 

[he GOES to the ball but FEELS rebuked by society so he PLAYS pool and Elizabeth Taylor HAPPENS UPON him]

Elizabeth Taylor: Gosh, you sure are a swell player. I'm just going to stand here with my perfect body and face, to make you even more nervous. 

Montgomery Clift: I know I'm just sexy gutter trash, even in a tux, but will you dance with me? 

Elizabeth Taylor: And how!

[they DANCE all night long]

Shelley Winters: Where were you? With all those pretty society girls? 

Montgomery Clift: [extremely UNCONVINCINGLY] No way, sugar, you're the only one for me. 

[he GOES to another ball and DANCES with Elizabeth Taylor and it is SENSUAL]

Montgomery Clift: I love you. If I could only tell you how much I love you.* 

Elizabeth Taylor: Tell Mama. Tell Mama all.*

Montgomery Clift: Did you just call yourself "Mama?" 

[they KISS and it's too much BEAUTY for my eyes to BEHOLD]

Montgomery Clift: This is fucking awesome.

Shelley Winters: I have to tell you something and since we had sex in the 50s, obviously you know what it is. 

[she WEEPS]

Montgomery Clift: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[he TAKES her to the ABORTION doctor and she TELLS a series of ESCALATING lies]

The Doctor: I'm sorry but there's nothing I will do, because the past sucks.

[she WEEPS and it is truly HEARTBREAKING]

Shelley Winters: I guess we'll just have to get married.

Montgomery Clift: [SHITS a brick]

Elizabeth Taylor: Come and visit me at my family's gorgeous lake house!

[they FROLIC and are beautiful and she TELLS him about a DROWNING that I'm sure WON'T be IMPORTANT to the PLOT later]

Shelley Winters: I feel abandoned! Where could he be?

[she SEES a photo of Monty in the SOCIETY pages, DRIVING a SPEEDBOAT and LOVING life]

Shelley Winters: I'm at the lake bus station, you liar. You have to marry me, RIGHT NOW or I'll tell the papers, which was apparently a real threat in the 50s!

Montgomery Clift: GULP. 

[he TELLS more LIES to Elizabeth Taylor, who is TROUBLED]

Montgomery Clift: Aw shucks, the registrar is closed for the holiday. What say we take a refreshing boat ride on Lake Murder? 

Shelley Winters: OK I guess, though I don't know how to swim as I mentioned earlier in the movie. 

[he RENTS the BOAT with a FAKE name and they DRIFT in the water OMINOUSLY as it GETS DARK]

Shelley Winters: I know you don't really want to marry me, but we'll have a small, inconsequential life together filled with lots of factory work and children and no speedboats. It'll be fine!

Montgomery Clift: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[she STANDS up in the BOAT because of her FEELINGS and they FALL into the WATER]

Montgomery Clift: Here I am back at the vacation house, nothing to see here, I definitely haven't been fully clothed in a lake anytime recently.

[he is a SWEATY mess of PTSD with no CHILL] 

Elizabeth Taylor's Dad: Well, my daughter likes you so I suppose you can marry her, even though you're still kind of trashy.

Montgomery Clift: GREAT SOUNDS GOOD, NOTHING CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.

[meanwhile, Shelley Winters' BODY is FLOATING in the LAKE]

A Detective: Hmmm. I know that this poor young woman wasn't on the boat by herself, and we can't find another body. Obviously this is a murder.

[they FIND the SMOKING GUN speedboat pic in Shelley's house and almost INSTANTLY arrest a SWEATING Monty and there is a TRIAL]

Montgomery Clift: I didn't kill her! I think? I mean it wasn't on purpose! Was it? I don't even know!

The Prosecutor: We know you did it. Now get into this canoe we've brought into the courtroom and show us what happened! 

[Monty FALLS OUT of the courtroom CANOE which somehow PROVES his GUILT]

The Judge: I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

Elizabeth Taylor: I will always love you, and also be scarred by this experience forevermore.  

A Priest: Confess your sins, my son.

Montgomery Clift: TBH, I didn't kill Shelley but I also didn't try to save her because I kind of hated her.

A Priest: Then you had murder in your heart which I guess is the same as actual murder.

Montgomery Clift: Yeah.

[he WALKS slowly to his DEATH and his face is both totally EXPRESSIONLESS and also CONTAINS every EMOTION that has ever EXISTED]

*actual line from movie

The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

Interiors

I know, I KNOW. But he’s not actually IN it and there are no references to the Marx Brothers and the visually striking poster kept popping up on Prime, so I thought it might be interesting. But I hated it and everyone's terrible haircuts and I want those two silent, weird hours of my life back. I consider myself suitably punished for watching one of his stupid Bergman knockoffs. 

***

[it is the late 70s in a NYC that has NEVER EXISTED]

Geraldine Page: I am white.

Diane Keaton: I am also white.

Mary Beth Hurt: I join you in your whiteness.

Sam Waterston: I am also white and my hair will be whiter still someday. 

The Dad: Hello, my white family. I am leaving your mother to continue to be white elsewhere. But I will not divorce her, to keep up WASP appearances.

Geraldine Page: I am heartbroken but I will do no more than slightly grimace. 

[she STARES at some VASES]

Geraldine Page: I have brought you one of my staring vases for your home. It is not white but beige, like everything that surrounds us. Beige is the white of browns. 

Mary Beth Hurt: May I take your beige coat, mother?

Geraldine Page: No need. I will go call your sister, who I like more than you, to see how she’s doing but mostly to talk about myself.

Diane Keaton: Hello, mother. You’ve interrupted my smoking and staring out a window, dressed in a full beige outfit, including sweater, shirt, other shirt, skirt, shoes, coat, hat and shoes.* It is always dark in my home.

Geraldine Page: So dark and so meaningful. 

[they STARE at their RESPECTIVE windows and WALLS for a WHILE]

Diane Keaton: My second book of poetry is difficult to write. I have to see my analyst.

Geraldine Page: Your father left me.

[they QUIETLY HANG UP]

Diane Keaton’s Husband: My second novel is difficult to write.

Everyone: Our problems are relatable. 

[Geraldine Page GOES HOME and CAREFULLY tapes up her DOORS and WINDOWS and TURNS on the GAS and it’s a BUMMER]

Mary Beth Hurt: You attempted suicide. Let’s definitely never talk about it again.

Geraldine Page: I apologize. I felt sad and powerless, much less white than usual.

[she GOES to a CHURCH with her ESTRANGED HUSBAND]

The Dad: I want a real divorce, I think.

[she SCREAMS and KNOCKS over a BUNCH of CANDLES and it was SO LOUD cause I had the VOLUME turned up SO HIGH because all these WHITE PEOPLE can’t SPEAK above a WHISPER]

Another Sister Who Has Never Been Mentioned: I am home from being a movie star, which impresses literally none of you.

Everyone: We are so pretentious that being a movie star seems gross. 

[they GO to the FAMILY BEACH HOUSE to REMIND us that BEING WHITE/BEIGE is HARD]

The Dad: Hello, daughters and various sons-in-law. I have met a woman that, while white, is a lot more normal than your weird-ass mom.

Maureen Stapleton: HELLO EVERYONE! SO NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY! THIS DINNER IS DELICIOUS! YOUR FATHER LOVES DANCING! DO YOU LIKE MY RED DRESS?

Mary Beth Hurt + Diane Keaton aka Beige and Beiger: This is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. 

[they are SUCH BITCHES to her for NO REASON]

Maureen Stapleton: IT’S OK, DEAR, THEY ARE JUST SAD ABOUT THE DIVORCE! I’M UNDERSTANDING!

[she ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS the BEIGE vase in a SYMBOLIC GESTURE]

Mary Beth Hurt: You vulgarian! That’s right, I said it! The cruelest words a WASP could ever speak.

[this SHOCKING DISPLAY of  EMOTION sends EVERYONE to SMOKE and STARE in their RESPECTIVE rooms]

The Movie Star Sister: Hello, Diane Keaton’s husband. I’m just hanging in the garage for no reason. You seem menacingly drunk rather than just white-people silently-sulking drunk.

[he TRIES to RAPE her in SILENCE and it’s FUCKING HORRIBLE and NEVER SPOKEN OF again]

Geraldine Page: I have come to the beach house in the middle of the night to skulk around in a deranged yet dignified way.

Mary Beth Hurt: Mother, why don’t you love me? 

Geraldine Page: [LITERALY WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN]

Mary Beth Hurt: [SILENTLY ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER]

Sam Waterston: [SILENTLY SAVES MARY BETH HURT]

Maureen Stapleton: [SILENTLY GIVES MBH CPR]

Mary Beth Hurt: I am alive. Mother is dead.

Diane Keaton: Yes. Let us gaze out of this window.

The Movie Star Sister: Let me get in on that.

[they STARE at NOTHING and then place WHITE ROSES on Geraldine Page’s SHINY COFFIN because even in DEATH, COLOR would be TOO VULGAR]

*I'm not kidding, every stich of clothing on these peoples' bodies was beige. This movie was brought to you by Big Beige. But it worked cause now I have like four beige sweaters in my Banana Republic cart.