Oscar Watch '09: The Reader

[it is BERLIN in 1995]
Ralph Fiennes: Ah, the rain that comes after a night of bumsen with a hot lady. As I gaze at it, I am reminded of myself as a young man, when I looked like a really hot baby Val Kilmer.
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Baby Ralph: Oh man! I gotta get off this tram! I'm gonna vom.
[he DOES, and a KIND WOMAN helps him HOME and throws a BUCKET of WATER on his BEPUKED SHOES]
Kate Winslet: Take care of yourself, now. You're the hottest 15-year-old since Notes on a Scandal, and I wouldn't want you to die.
[he CONVALESCES from the SCARLET FEVER that made him PUKE]
Baby Ralph: A kind woman helped me the day I got ill. Perhaps I shall seek her out and thank her.
[he brings her FLOWERS and watches her CHANGING, for which she THROWS him out, but then he goes BACK and she makes him FETCH her COAL from the COAL CHUTE]
Kate Winslet: You are covered in coal! Get naked and get in the bath. I'll bring you a towel. Naked. Thus begins my seduction of you.
[they BONE and it is WAY HOT]
Baby Ralph: Tra la! Now I have a lady friend! My age-appropriate friends want to hang out, but all I want to do is my hot older girlfriend!
Kate Winslet: Read to me, kid. Read to me aloud.
[he DOES, from many CLASSIC BOOKS, in the NUDE, followed by MORE BONING]
Baby Ralph: Let's go on a bike trip! Do you want to order something from the menu?
Kate Winslet: Uh...I'll just have whatever you get, kid.
[some WOMAN thinks Kate's his MOM, so he KISSES her to FREAK everyone OUT]
Baby Ralph: This is great! Nothing can stop our love!
[they have a FIGHT and Kate Winslet gets a PROMOTION and BOUNCES without a TRACE]
Baby Ralph: I am scarred for life.
[eight years LATER]
Law Student Ralph: I love justice! But I'm so conflicted. After all, I am a German youth, born in 1943. The generation before me did terrible things. I wonder if this will have an impact on my psyche.
Law Professor: We're going to a Nazi trial! Let's open up that wound and see what happens.
[one of the DEFENDANTS is Kate Winslet]
Law Student Ralph: Shit.
Jewish Witness: She used to make the prisoners read to her. And then she would send them to their deaths. Then, one time, the guards locked us all in a church the started on fire and my daughter and I were the only ones who escaped.
All the Other Defendants: Yes, we locked the Jews we were guarding in a church and let them burn to death, but Kate Winslet wrote the report! She was in charge!
Law Student Ralph: Wait a minute...she CAN'T READ!! She couldn't have written the report! Or been in charge! It all makes sense now. But...what do I do?
[he goes to VISIT her but BAILS because it is TOO EMOTIONAL]
Kate Winslet: Yes. Yes, I wrote the report. It is too shameful for me to admit I can't read.
Judge: All you other guards who threw Kate Winslet under the bus? Four years. Kate Winslet? LIFE IN PRISON.
[ten years LATER]
Ralph Fiennes: Now I am divorced and don't get to see my daughter as much. I'll use my time to make cassette tapes of the books I read to my lover as a boy.
Kate Winslet: What are these? Oh my! Books on tape!
[he makes, like A MILLION books on tape]
Kate Winslet: I shall use these to learn to read and write, and regain my humanity.
[she DOES, and writes him many LETTERS to which he NEVER RESPONDS]
Warden: She's being released next week. You're her only contact outside the prison. You must take responsibility for her.
Ralph Fiennes: But I barely know her! But my guilt...I must assuage it.
[he VISITS her, FINALLY, and she is MAD OLD]
Ralph Fiennes: I got you a job and an apartment for when you get out.
Kate Winslet: Thanks. Bye.
[she HANGS herself on the day she was to be RELEASED and it is SAD]
Ralph Fiennes: I will honor her dying wishes, and bring this tin of money to the daughter who was in the church fire.
Lena Olin: I cannot accept this money, for it seems like reparations.
Ralph Fiennes: Well, she learned to read in prison, so maybe a literacy organization? For Jews?
Lena Olin: I'm sure one exists, though illiteracy does not seem to be a particularly Jewish problem.*
[they PART on OKAY terms, even though the SPECTRE of the HOLOCAUST looms large between them]
Ralph Fiennes: So, my daughter. I know I have been distant for your whole life. But I would like to tell you a story...
[he TAKES her to the place he went on the BIKE TOUR so she can understand his HISTORY]

Oscar Watch '09: Revolutionary Road

[it is the 1940s]
Kate Winslet: Hi. I want to be an actress. You seem interesting and vivacious.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I guess I am. Let's dance.
[like TEN YEARS pass]
Kate Winslet: So now we live in the suburbs and I do bad community theater.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Don't listen to any of those idiots who say you're bad. You're better than them.
Kate Winslet: I don't want to talk about this right now in the car. Let's just repress our feelings. That's what people in the suburbs do, right?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's talk! Please!
[he PULLS OVER and they have a HUGE FIGHT on the side of ROUTE TWELVE]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Well, I'm off to my soul-sucking job in the city, filled with nubile secretaries.
[he BANGS one of the NUBILE SECRETARIES]
Kathy Bates: Suburbs! I brought you a plant! I'm nice! Oh, AND...would you be willing to meet my crazy son?
Kate Winslet: Of course. Thanks for asking, and for having some stilted, Oscar-worthy conversation over coffee.
[she has a FLASHBACK to HAPPIER TIMES, when she was MORE BOHEMIAN]
Kate Winslet: I just had the best idea! Let's move to Paris.
Leonardo DiCaprio: But that's so...impetuous! And does not fit with our suburban life.
Kate Winslet: That's why it's great! I mean, look at us. Give me an Oscar...I mean...a chance...to explain my Paris plan to you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's do it. And I mean "let's move to Paris" but also "Let's fuck against the kitchen counter in a totally hot way."
[they BONE and it's ALMOST as hot as THIS]
Kathryn Hahn: Come over for dinner! We're your best friends! Your neighbors! Let's hang!
[her husband OGLES Kate Winslet in the MOST OBVIOUS MANNER EVER]
Kate Winslet: So...we're moving to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn and her Husband: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!
[she has a PRIVATE BREAKDOWN, because that is what you DO in the SUBURBS]
Leonardo DiCaprio: I'm moving to Paris!
His Work Buddies: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?
His Boss: But we're giving you a promotion, based solely on this piece of bullshit work you did earlier.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Allow me to display the conflict in my soul...with my eyes.
[he DOES]
Kathy Bates: Hello! Hellooooooo! We're here with our crazy son!
Michael Shannon: I am the crazy son. Allow me to act circles around you by being subtly creepy and awesome.
Kate Winslet: DO NOT DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE FROM MY OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE, SHANNON.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let him talk. He is the only one who understands our ennui. And he is clinically insane.
Kate Winslet: If wanting to get out of this town is crazy, I don't want to be sane.*
[they start PACKING]
Kate Winslet: Shit. I'm pregnant.
Leonardo DiCaprio: That's fine, actually, since I haven't actually quit my job yet, since I'm a spineless, personality-free kind of dude. We have a couple weeks to decide if we want to abort it, though, right?
[they have YET ANOTHER FIGHT]
Everyone: Well, it's probably best you don't move to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn: We'll go out for a night on the town! And I'll get sick! And leave my husband alone with our hot neighbor who he is obviously attracted to!
Kate Winslet: And then we'll fuck in the car...the OS-car!!
Kathryn Hahn's Husband: Dude, Kate, we get it. Let's fuck.
[they BONE and it is AWKWARD but still HOT]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is this an abortion tube?
Kate Winslet: Yes. I was going to abort our child. The first was one basically a mistake.
[they have ANOTHER FIGHT with lots of SHOUTING, which is apparently the same as ACTING]
Kathy Bates: We're here again!
Michael Shannon: I have no societal restrictions on asking you two tough questions to bring up the issues you're having.
[he RILES them and Leo goes BONKERS]
Kathy Bates: Oh my! My repressed suburban nature! It is breached!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I wish you had gotten rid of that fetus when you had the chance!!
Kate Winslet: I'm going out to the woods. Don't follow me. I hate you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: No you don't. Don't leave!
[she is in the woods for a LONG TIME but FINALLY comes back and looks STRICKEN]
Kate Winslet: Good morning. I have prepared a fine, fine breakfast for you with fresh-squeezed orange juice and polite, civil conversation.
Leonardo DiCaprio: So you don't hate me?
Kate Winslet: No. No, I don't. I'm only acting all weird like this because I know I will never see you again.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh. I sensed that, via your acting.
[she attemps a HOME ABORTION and it FAILS and she DIES]
Kathryn Hahn: Oh, yes. They were lovely people. But so troubled.
Kathy Bates: My repressed suburban nature is unshakable! UNSHAKABLE!
[her HUSBAND turns down his HEARING AID to drown out the DRONE]

Oscar Watch '09: Frost/Nixon

[it is the 1970s]
Many News Reports: Nixon! Watergate! He's resigning! Here is some history in case you aren't familiar with history!
Sam Rockwell: Is this a documentary? Not really, but I'm being interviewed like it is.
Oliver Platt: The thing with David Frost...he knew television.
[it is AUSTRALIA]
The Women Behind Us: Oh! I always thought he was British.
David Frost: Do you hear my accent? It is clearly British, and not Australian.
Someone: Frost was a British television personality who had been shipped to Australia because his shows were not great.
The Women Behind Us: Oh, I guess he is British!
[David Frost STARES at the NEWS COVERAGE of Nixon and gets an IDEA]
David Frost: It's PERFECT. I have an idea, producer friend.
Non-Colin Firth Mr. Darcy: What is it? And is my hair grey? Or just really blonde?
David Frost: We'll interview Richard Nixon!! It'll make millions!
Truman Capote: Mr. President, we have an offer for you to do an interview with this British TV presenter. He's just a talk show host, so it'll be easy for you to win the interview.
Frank Langella: Awesome. Let's get some money out of them.
[David Frost and his producer FLY FIRST-CLASS to LA and Frost picks up a HOT GIRL on the flight]
David Frost: Why don't you come with me to meet Richard Nixon? I know I just met you, but you're flying first class, so you're probably not a crazy person.
Hot Girl: Okay. But first, please buy me a drink in the plane's full bar.**
David Frost: Will do! Now I have to go to every network and get shot down, because they don't pay for interviews. But I will triumph!!
[they go to Nixon's SWEET BEACH PAD]
Frank Langella: And this is where I hung out with Brezhnev. So, how's about that $200,000 you promised me?
[Frost writes a check from his OWN POCKET to pay the advance]
Frank Langella: Did he just pay me from his own pocket? And did you see his shoes?
Kevin Bacon: I think so, sir. And yes. They have no laces.
Frank Langella: I think a man's shoes ought to have laces.*
[meanwhile, at CAMP FROST]
Non-Firth Darcy: We're going to need some backup if we're going to do this interview right.
Oliver Platt: I'm a Nixon expert!
Sam Rockwell: Me too! Except I am more volatile.
Non-Firth Darcy: You're hired!!
[they do a lot of RESEARCH but Frost does more GALLIVANTING than RESEARCH]
Sam Rockwell: Should we be concerned about all this gallivanting? Oh well.
Kevin Bacon: As the former President's assistant or something, I am stoic, and concerned about how the President is perceived. Watergate can take up only 25% of the interviews. And by "Watergate," I mean "every negative thing he ever did."
David Frost: That's crazy! No way! IT'S ON.
Kevin Bacon: BRING IT.
[they have the FIRST TAPING and Nixon TOTALLY SLAUGHTERS Frost with his ORATORY SKILLS]
Sam Rockwell: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[the next taping goes BETTER, but not GOOD]
Oliver Platt: Seriously?
David Frost: Well, just come to my birthday party. Hugh Hefner will be there. [to himself] You idiot! Get yourself together!!
[Nixon DRUNK-DIALS Frost and goes on a TIRADE about being LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS and how no one RESPECTS them and it is INTENSE]
David Frost: I'm gonna get him. Sam Rockwell, go do some additional research!
[they find some NEW INFORMATION that will ROCK the WORLD]
David Frost: Well, it's the last day of taping! I hope it will be as eventful as our phone call!
Frank Langella: What phone call?*
[Frost WINS the interview with the NEW INFORMATION]
Frank Langella: You have bested me. Now all I have left is to pet this dachshund in a sad old man manner.
David Frost: I bought you some of those shoes you liked.
[Nixon GAZES at the OCEAN for a while]

**!

Twitterpated

Silly animals! You'll all get twitterpated in no time.

In other news, I have a twitter thing now. I'm not saying I like it. I'm just saying that 140 characters is easier for me to keep up with regularly. Check it! Follow it! LIVE IT.

Sight Unseen: Bride Wars

[it is AMERICA]

Anne Hathaway: I'm so glad we're best friends, even though I am occasionally in really good movies, and you're in this kind of schlock basically all the time.

Kate Hudson: I know, right? You were totally good in Rachel Getting Married.

Anne Hathaway: Thanks!

Kate Hudson: ...now you say, "Kate, you were totally good in Fool's Gold."

Anne Hathaway: I may be a top contender for an Oscar this year, Kate, but I'm not a good enough actress to say that convincingly.

Kate Hudson: Fine. Let's just get married and be each others' maids of honor, okay?

Candice Bergen: Your weddings accidentally got booked for the same day.

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway: WHAT?!?!

Candice Bergen: There's a simple solution, though: one of you just needs to move your ceremony to a different place or date. I'm not actually sure how you got to this point without realizing they were on the same day, but whatever.

Kate Hudson: This means war, bitch.

Anne Hathaway: Oh, it's on.

[they have a series of ESCALATING PRANKS, involving HAIR DYE and other HILARIOUS things]

Anne Hathaway: Wait, we're best friends. Let's resolve this.

Kate Hudson: Okay.

[they HUG]

Oscar Watch '09: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

[it is NAWLINS]
Julia Ormond: Mom, you're so old! With such amazing makeup and special effects to make you look that way! Is there anything I can do to make your death more comfortable?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Yes, my daughter. Read to me out of that diary in my bag. But first, let me tell you an allegory about a clockmaker named Mr. Gateaux, which means Mr. Cake. He made a clock that turned backwards because his son died. It's in the train station.
Conveniently Placed News Report: Hurricane Katrina is heading our way, but it'll probably be fine.
Cate Blanchett: Now, read me the story.
Julia Ormond: Once upon a time...
[Brad Pitt takes over the VOICEOVER duties from Juliette Binoche, a DUTY he will do A FUCKING LOT]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was born on the day World War I ended, but since I looked like an old man baby, my dad left me on the steps of an old folks' home.
Taraji P. Henson's Man: I know you ain't got the parts to make one a' your own...* but this baby is from the devil.
Taraji P. Henson: Oh! No. I must care for this child of God. I'll put him in a drawer to keep him safe.
The Doctor: He'll probably die soon.
[obviously, he does NOT]
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Hee hee! I'm in a wheelchair!
[they go to a TENT REVIVAL and get CURED of what AILS them, KIND of]
Taraji P. Henson: I'm going to have a baby! This baby will not take your place, though, Benjamin.
Old Man Child Brad Pitt: Yes it will!!
Creepy CGI Child Cate Blanchett: Hello.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Instead of acting, I will just tell you what's going on through voiceover, if that's all right. I met her and I still remember her blue eyes.
[he meets a RAPSCALLION IRISH TUGBOAT CAPTAIN and starts WORKING on the BOAT]
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: I'm an artist! A tattoo artist! Suck on that, dad!! Also, here is some information about hummingbirds, which are a metaphor. For something.
Mr. Button: Oh. Hello, stranger. What say we enjoy a drink together? And perhaps also a visit to a brothel? I am not your dad. At all.
[they go get DRUNK and WHORES]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I had to go seek my fortune on the tugboat.
Slightly Less Creepy CGI Teen Cate Blanchett: You better write me from everywhere, because I am weirdly obsessed with you!
[he DOES, and Juliette Binoche SEES the postcards]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we went to Russia, and I had an affair with a married woman.
Tilda Swinton: We can never say "I love you." One time, I tried to swim the English Channel but failed. Bye.
Rapscallion Irish Tugboat Captain: The tugboat's been drafted! So I guess you guys are all drafted too? Or something. We're all in the Navy now!
[they get into a SEA BATTLE and everyone DIES except Brad Pitt, who sees a HUMMINGBIRD]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I went home and she was there.
Cate Blanchett: Hi. It's me, with only moderate CGI face-softening to make me look younger, though I am still the most beautiful woman ever to exist. I'm going to dance school in New York. Let's go on a date. Some of the other dancers are lesbians. Does that bother you? Let's have sex.
[she does a MODERN DANCE in a GAZEBO to DISTANT NEW ORLEANS MUSIC]
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: No.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then some time passed and I was like "That was dumb."
[he goes to see her DANCE in CAROUSEL and he is STILL GETTING YOUNGER]
Cate Blanchett: Get lost! I am with this other guy now.
Sort-of Old Brad Pitt: Oh. I am dejected.
Mr. Button: By the way, I am totally your dad. I want to leave my business, Button's Buttons, to you.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: I was pissed for a second, but then I was like "It's the end of his life, so let's just be cool."
[he CARRIES his dad to the LAKE he used to LOOK AT so the dad can DIE HAPPY and leave him ALL his MONEY and his hilariously-named BUSINESS]
Julia Ormond: This story is so sad. I hope the hurricane doesn't get us.
Nurse: We'll be fine!
Julia Ormond: Okay, back to the story!
Telegram Guy: Telegram!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: So I went to Paris, because all these things happened that caused Cate Blanchett to get hit by a car and her leg broken. Fate is so crazy!
Cate Blanchett: Get away from me! I'm a monster! An incandescently beautiful, even in a hospital bed, monster!!
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then I was sad again. So I learned to sail and looked really hot while doing it. Plus, I did a bunch of girls.
Cate Blanchett: Sup. I have decided to stop jerking you around.
[they have a SWEET ROMANCE, finally, but it is MARRED because his adopted MOM dies and there is a FUNERAL]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then we bought a duplex with no furniture.
[they hang out on a MATTRESS and listen to TWIST AND SHOUT and there is some STORM IMAGERY]
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett bought a dance studio, because those who can't, teach.
Julia Ormond: Waaaaaaaait aaaaaa minute. When did you meet my father?
Very Old Cate Blanchett: Uh...some time after that.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Then Cate Blanchett got pregnant.
Julia Ormond: Hey! You lied to me! He's my father! I'm pissed. But you're dying, so I guess I'm not that pissed.
Super Hot Brad Pitt: I can't be a father to her. PEACE.
[he ABSCONDS in the NIGHT and rides his HOG all around the WORLD, apparently]
20-something Brad Pitt: Hey. I'm back.
"Of A Certain Age" Cate Blanchett: You are toying with my emotions again! God!
[they BONE]
Julia Ormond: That's the last entry in the diary.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: I'll take over from here. Then he grew into a little boy with dementia, and I took care of him.
[he GROWS into a BABY and DIES]
Nurse: This hurricane is a little worse than we thought. I'm sure FEMA will take care of it, but we should probs get out of here.
Julia Ormond: Look, a hummingbird in the storm. That's meaningful, because it was in the other parts of the story.
Very Old Cate Blanchett: The clock in the train station is now digital. That is also allegorical.
Voiceover Brad Pitt: Here are a bunch of people I knew in my life. They all did things. And were cool.
[a FLOOD washes over the CLOCK and presumably the HOSPITAL]

Oscar Nominations are out!

I'm a little behind, folks, but don't worry - the other Best Picture nominees will get the Ultra-Condensed Treatment tout de suite! And probably a few other things I'd like to see as well.

BEST PICTURE
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Frost/Nixon"
"Milk
"The Reader"
"Slumdog Millionaire"

BEST ACTRESS
Anne Hathaway, "Rachel Getting Married"
Angelina Jolie, "Changeling"
Melissa Leo, "Frozen River"
Meryl Streep, "Doubt"
Kate Winslet, "The Reader"

BEST ACTOR
Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"
Sean Penn, "Milk"
Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler"
Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, "Doubt"
Penelope Cruz, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"
Viola Davis, "Doubt"
Taraji P. Henson, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Marisa Tomei, "The Wrestler"

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Brolin, "Milk"
Robert Downey Jr., "Tropic Thunder"
Philip Seymour Hoffman, "Doubt"
Heath Ledger, "The Dark Knight"
Michael Shannon, "Revolutionary Road"

BEST DIRECTOR
Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire"
Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"
David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"
Gus Van Sant, "Milk"

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Dustin Lance Black, "Milk"
Courtney Hunt, "Frozen River"
Mike Leigh, "Happy-Go-Lucky"
Martin McDonagh, "In Bruges"
Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, "WALL-E"

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Simon Beaufoy, "Slumdog Millionaire"
David Hare, "The Reader"
Peter Morgan, "Frost/Nixon"
John Patrick Shanley, "Doubt"
Eric Roth, Robin Swicord, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

Sight Unseen: Paul Blart: Mall Cop

[it is NEW JERSEY]

Kevin James: I just want to be a cop, you guys!

Other Cops: Ya too fat!

[they LAUGH at him]

Kevin James: But...I'm kind of hilarious on King of Queens. Oh, well. I'll just go be a mall cop.

[he GUARDS the mall with a humorous level of SERIOUSNESS]

Terrorists: Okay, we're taking over this mall!

Kevin James: It's my chance to show everyone what I can do!

[he gets into a number of AMUSING situations involving PRATFALLS and other types of PHYSICAL HUMOR]

Terrorists: You have won, fat man.

Charlie from Ugly Betty: You have impressed me with your mall guarding prowess, and even though I am 15 years younger than you, and I am way, way hotter, now I love you.

Other Cops: Also, you can now be a real cop, because you have proven yourself.

Bobby Cannavale: I'm attractive.

Kevin James: Hooray! But now that I have learned about myself, I'd rather stay a mall cop than become a real cop. Wait, no, that is really, really stupid. Real cop it is!

Sight Unseen: My Bloody Valentine 3D

[it is a SMALL MINING TOWN]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh no! I'm too inexperienced a miner to be working down here! Sorry!!

[five guys DIE as a result of his INEPTITUDE and one guy goes into a COMA]

Coma Guy: It's Valentine's Day. I'm awake. And I want REVENGE.

[he KILLS a bunch of people with a PICKAXE because he is a MINER, but not the ONE GUY he SHOULD have killed]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh well. I guess I'll move away from here to escape my unresolved issues about the mine.

[TEN YEARS later]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Hey. I'm back.

Jaime King: Oh. Hey. Do you still have feelings for me, your ex-girlfriend, though I am married to your best friend now?

Days of Our Lives Guy: You got me. I do.

The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: Suck on that! I married your girl!

[people start getting MURDERED...in 3D]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Uh oh. These murders are suspiciously like the ones that happened ten years ago, after I caused that mine accident. Perhaps...perhaps they're related somehow!

[something SCARY and/or 3D occurs]

A Black Character: Oh god! I'm killed!

Days of Our Lives Guy: We need to stop this maniac.

[they REALIZE that the MANIAC is his BEST FRIEND, whose FATHER was killed in the EARLIER MASSACRE]

The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: That's right! It was me all along! I hold you responsible for my father's death, however indirectly you may have caused it! Now DIE!

[they have an EPIC BATTLE and hopefully a 3D MINE CART CHASE that ends with the GOOD GUYS alive and the BAD GUY dead]

Days of Our Lives Guy: Now I can be with you.

Jaime King: Yes! And we won't have any weird relationship issues at all.

[they MAKE OUT...in 3D]

Sight Unseen: Hotel for Dogs

[it is AMERICA]

Emma Roberts: Julia Roberts is my aunt.

Some Kid: Yeah, that's great...it doesn't mean you're talented. It might actually mean you're less talented than average.

Emma Roberts: Still. Julia Roberts. Big movie star. My aunt. Watch me act right now! I'm going to act like an orphan! "Oh man, I'm an orphan, having no parents sucks." See that? That was acting.

Don Cheadle: Great, kid. But can you explain why I'm in this movie?

Lisa Kudrow: Or me?

Kevin Dillon: This is a step down even for me, and I'm on Entourage.

[the kids put a bunch of STRAY DOGS in a HOTEL and encounter OBSTACLES and SHENANIGANS]

Emma Roberts: We're plucky, though! And related to Julia Roberts. Well, I am, anyway.

Dr. Doolittle's Daughter: WE KNOW.

[there is a HAPPY ENDING]

Sight Unseen: The Unborn

You guys: WHAT is going on with this chick's ass in this poster? I mean really. Those shadows are confusing me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Cloverfield Girl: I keep having nightmares! And scary things keep happening! Scary things that make me scream in a vaguely sexual way, which is the draw of many horror films.
Gary Oldman: Oh. You have two different color eyes. Are you a twin?
Cloverfield Girl: No.
Her Mom: Oh, yeah, you were. I meant to tell you - you had a brother who died in utero. My bad!
[some more SCARY SHIT happens]
Cloverfield Girl: Oh! So maybe my dead twin brother is haunting me. That makes sense.
Gary Oldman: He's getting stronger and stronger. You are going to have to battle him - IN THE AFTERLIFE. [she DIES and looks HOT]
Cloverfield Girl: I won!
Something Scary: ...or did you? SEQUEL!!

Some Minor Housekeeping

Hi readers,

Before we return to our regularly scheduled programming of bringing you what I hope are hilarious and accurate movie condensations, a few points:

- I discovered that blogger has made it really, really easy for me to display blogs I read in my sidebar. So I did that. They're over there, so you should look at them.

- My friend Laurie at Your Ill-Fitting Overcoat is running a contest for which the prize is one of my fine crafted items. Also, her blog is full of fantastic writing and tales of derring-do, so you should just be reading it in general, really.

- I also added a button over there so you can contribute to my movie-watching fund. I know, I know, I can find all the Oscar screeners online, but that takes so much typing, you guys. Also my house does not have that fake butter topping that tastes like coconut because it's made from coconut oil, so there's another point in support of going to the cinema. But even with my new "always sneak into a second movie" policy, it's still mad expensive, so if you have a couple of dollars lying around, toss 'em in. If you don't, no bigs.

Love and Kisses,
Anna

Sight Unseen: January Dreck

So once the Oscar nomination period is closed at the end of the year, all the studios are like "Sweet. Now we can release all the shit that can't possibly get a nomination, but might make some money, maybe."

I'm not saying I'll never see any of these movies. I'm just saying I (probably) won't see them in the theaters. And I definitely haven't seen them yet. But such is the way of Sight Unseen posts. All next week.

Oscar Watch '09: Doubt

[it is THE BRONX in 1964]

The Community: Woo! Catholicism! We're all Irish and Italian!

[one of the ALTAR BOYS is BLACK so you KNOW some shit is gonna GO DOWN]

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Let me talk to you about doubt, you guys. My sermon is surprisingly interesting for a 1960s Catholic priest, don't you think?

[as he SPEAKS, Meryl Streep walks around SMACKING insolent YOUTHS]

Meryl Streep: A little too interesting, if you ask me!

Amy Adams: I liked it! But then, I am a very chipper young nun.

[Philip Seymour Hoffman gives the BLACK ALTAR BOY a TOY so you can see that they have a SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP]

Meryl Streep: I don't like it. I don't like a lot of things.

[Amy Adams takes a piece of GRISTLE out of her MOUTH and Streep STARES at her until she puts it back IN and EATS it]

Amy Adams: Okay, class. Let's talk about history. And I'll be nice, unlike some nuns.

Meryl Streep: Like me!

[she does some MEAN things]

Philip Seymour Hoffman: She just doesn't want the church to change! Oh well. I will win over the congregation with my charm and personality, two things she clearly lacks.

[the BLACK ALTAR BOY comes back to CLASS smelling of ALCOHOL and looking GRIM]

Amy Adams: Something must have happened! I will share my fears with Meryl Streep. She will know what to do. Or she might use this incident as fodder for her campaign against this new priest...but that seems unlikely. I mean, she's a nun! Nuns don't do vindictive things!

Meryl Streep: I know he was inappropriate with that boy! I KNOW IT.

Amy Adams: But...I...we don't know...I'm so confused!

[a LIGHTBULB burns out]

Meryl Streep: You blew out my light.*

Philip Seymour Hoffman: So, I'm here to discuss the Christmas pageant. How about we include "Frosty the Snowman"?

Amy Adams: Oh yes!

Meryl Streep: SECULAR SONGS? Ohhhhhhh no. Also, we didn't really ask you here to talk about the pageant; we were actually going to accuse you of improper behavior with a student. Suckaaaaa!

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Well, there's an explanation. But I can't tell you.

Meryl Streep: TELL US! Or we will continue to suspect you, though our proof is shoddy at best.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: He stole the altar wine. I wanted to keep it a secret because he's having a hard enough time already, since HELLO DUDE IS BLACK.

Amy Adams: Oh good! An explanation! Tra la!

Meryl Streep: NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Let me tell you a story, congregation. A story about gossip. This woman confessed to the sin of gossip and the priest told her to take a pillow to her roof and cut it open. And she did, and there were feathers everywhere. And then the priest told her to gather up all the feathers and she was like "I can't, because they're everywhere." And he was like "THAT'S GOSSIP. IT'S A METAPHOR."

Amy Adams: Do you think that was directed at someone in particular?

Meryl Streep: Uh...yeah. It's on. It. Is. On.

[she calls the kid's MOM]

The Mom: Look, this priest is nice to my son, okay? And my son needs to graduate from this school to get into a good high school. And maybe...well, maybe he likes the attention. And by "attention," I mean "molestation." Bottom line: my son is gay, maybe?

Meryl Streep: What?!? What kind of mother ARE you?

The Mom: You don't know anything about me! My son is strange! He needs to get into a good high school! It's just till June.

Meryl Streep: Fine. Then I will take him on alone. Get ready to see some acting,

motherfuckers.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: OH, IT'S ON, BITCH.

[they ACT their FACES off]

Meryl Streep: I called a nun at your last parish.

Philip Seymour Hoffman: What? You're not supposed to do that! The Catholic church is pretty hierarchical, a hierarchy that ends with the Lord.

Meryl Streep: BUSTED. I didn't really, but your reaction is proof! PROOOOOOOOF!!!

[Philip Seymour Hoffman gets TRANSFERRED]

Amy Adams: So I guess you were right.

Meryl Streep: I have doubts! I HAVE DOUBTS!!*

Oscar Watch '09: Rachel Getting Married

Well, since Anne Hathaway's already won the Golden Globe, I think it's fair to put this one on Oscar Watch. So good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is AMERICA]

Anne Hathaway: Rehab. Bye.

Her Dad: Hi, sweetie! Are you ready to go directly from rehab to your sister's insane, multi-day, multi-ethnic, super-awesome, but also highly stressful wedding?

Anne Hathaway: Not really. But at least my hair looks fierce.

Rosemarie DeWitt: I'm so glad to see you! But my friend, with the asymmetric nostrils and stick up her ass, is not. Let's tell a story about Elvis Stojko, though.

Anne Hathaway: I gotta go to Narcotics

Anonymous.

[she KNOCKS OVER a bunch of CHAIRS]

Anne Hathaway: Cocksucker!*

Guy Who is Talking: Just the once, my dealer. I was really broke.*

[the RECOVERING ADDICTS laugh because it's FUNNY because it's TRUE]

Guy Who is Talking: Hi. Oh, by the way, I'm just in town for a wedding.

[he turns out to be the BEST MAN and they BONE under the HOUSE]

Anne Hathaway: This is a great tradition! The best man and maid of honor boning.

Best Man: Uh...isn't your sister's lame friend the maid of honor?

[there is a HUGE ARGUMENT]

Rosemarie DeWitt: Fine! Fine. Whatever. Can we just do the wedding?

[they have a SWEET TALENT SHOW where all the guests do SOMETHING AWESOME]

The Guy from TV on the Radio: Thanks, guests.

[someone mentions a CHILD that DIED and you start to WONDER about it]

Anne Hathaway: Is Mom coming to the rehearsal dinner?

Rosemarie DeWitt: Yes. Please don't embarrass me or make this about you.

Anne Hathaway: I won't.

[she DOES]

Debra Winger: Hi, girls.

[there is MAD TENSION]

Anne Hathaway: I have to go to NA again.

[she tells how she was RESPONSIBLE for the DEATH of her little BROTHER and it is AWFUL]

The Dad: I bet I can fill the dishwasher faster than you.

The Guy from TV on the Radio: Oh yeah?

[they have a DISHWASHER RACE, but they find the BROTHER'S plate and everyone gets SAD]

Rosemarie DeWitt: You always make this about you!

Anne Hathaway: Fine! I'm leaving!

[she goes to her MOM'S house and PUNCHES her mom]

Anne Hathaway: Gaaaaah!

[she drives her CAR into a TREE]

Rosemarie DeWitt: Hey. Time for me to get married.

[she DOES, and it is BEAUTIFUL]

Oscar Watch '09: Slumdog Millionaire

[it is INDIA]

Police Lieutenant: TELL US HOW YOU CHEATED!!!

Jamal: Dude! I didn't cheat!

[they DUNK his head in a BUCKET of WATER]

Police Lieutenant: But you are just the guy who gets chai for the employees of a phone company! You grew up in the slums! How could you possibly know all those answers?!?!

[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]

Host of WWTBAM: Who is the star of this 1973 film?

Jamal: [smiles to HIMSELF as he REMEMBERS running through the SLUMS, which are ALIVE with COLOR]

Youngest Jamal: It's Amitabh Bachchan! It's his helicopter! He's my favorite movie star! I have to meet him!

[his brother, Selim, LOCKS him in the OUTHOUSE and he has to JUMP in the SHIT to get out]

Youngest Jamal: Though I am covered in shit, Amitabh Bachchan, I need your autograph.

[his brother SELLS the autograph so you know he's kind of a DICK]

Jamal: And that's how I knew that one.

Host of WWTBAM: Okay, religion. Uh oh! And since you're Muslim, and this question is about Rama...well, we'll see what happens.

[Jamal has ANOTHER FLASHBACK in which his MOM gets KILLED because of GOD and it is TERRIBLE]

Jamal: I wish I didn't know this about Rama, but I do.

Police Lieutenant: I am starting to believe you. But please, keep telling your vibrant and interesting tale.

Youngest Jamal: We can sleep in this trailer thing, since we have no mom. Let's invite that little girl in. She can be the third musketeer!

Youngest Selim: No way, man! We don't even know the other name, we just know Athos and Porthos!

[Jamal invites her in ANYWAY]

Creepy Dude Who Looks Like an Indian Version of Michael C. Hall: Well, hello children. Come with me. I will take you to a lovely place, a la Fagin in Oliver Twist.

[they become BEGGAR-SLAVES for him and have to learn a SONG, the VERY SONG about which the next question on WWTBAM is]

Youngest Jamal: I'm going to learn this song so good! Then Indian Michael C. Hall will like me and I'll be rich!

[his brother sees another kid get BLINDED because BLIND singers make more RUPEES]

Youngest Selim: Dude, we gotta get out of here!

Youngest Jamal: But what about my little girlfriend?

[they TRY to bring her, but she is TOO SLOW and can't get on the TRAIN they are on]

Jamal: So that sucked. But then we started running scams at the Taj Mahal and stealing shoes, so that was okay. Also, this is the point at which we transition from "Youngest" to just "Young," so there will be different, yet perfectly-cast actors portraying both Selim and me.

[they SOMEHOW FIND the GIRL, who is a CONCUBINE or something for Indian Michael C. Hall]

Indian Michael C. Hall: No way! You cannot take her!

Young Selim: My gun says different.

[he KILLS him with his COLT, which is how Jamal knows THAT ANSWER]

Young Jamal: We gotta go! Let's go to an abandoned hotel and hide out!

Young Selim: Not so fast, brother. I will be raping your girlfriend now.

Young Jamal: Shit. Why do I have so many obstacles to overcome?

Police Lieutenant: You sure do! That's why your story is so compelling.

Jamal: So then I got a job at the phone company, and I found my brother by looking him up in the computer, and I called him, and we met up. Turns out that he's working for this gangster...and my girl is married to said gangster! Gross!

[he pretends to be a COOK and gets into the gangster's HOUSE]

The Girl: You need to go! This is dangerous! My aging, sort of gay-seeming gangster husband will totally kill you if you stay. By the way, I like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Jamal: Meet me at the train station! We can run away together!

The Girl: No.

Jamal: I will wait every day at 5.

[she SHOWS UP but the GANGSTER'S DUDES chase her and TAKE HER AWAY]

Jamal: So then I was like, I have to get on the show.

[he DOES, obviously]

The Host: You're doing well, kid. You know the answer to the next one, right?

Jamal: No, I really don't.

[the host FEEDS him the answer by writing it on the MIRROR in the BATHROOM but he is ETHICAL and picks the OTHER ANSWER and it is RIGHT because CHEATING is WRONG]

The Host: He's a cheat! Arrest him! I fed him the wrong answer and he STILL picked the right one! I will not be outshined by a slumdog!!

Jamal: Which brings us to right now. I have one more question to answer to win the biggest prize. And all I really wanted was to be on TV so my girl would see me and know where I was.

Police Lieutenant: Your story has touched my heart. Go, and Rama be with you. Or Allah, or whatever.

[meanwhile, in the GANGSTER'S HIDEOUT]

Selim: I am a shitty, shitty brother. Perhaps I will redeem myself now.

[he gives the GIRL his PHONE and tells her to GO, even though this means he will be KILLED]

Selim: Now I will fill this bathtub with cash, and wait for them to kill me.

[meanwhile, on TV]

The Host: Who is the third musketeer, other than Athos and Porthos?

Jamal: I'm going to call my third lifeline, my brother.

[they CALL but there is NO ANSWER because the girl left the PHONE in the CAR because there was a TRAFFIC JAM because EVERYONE in the WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY is watching the SHOW and for a second you're like OH SHIT but she RUNS and GETS it]

Jamal: Hi.

The Girl: Hi. I don't know the answer. I never did. See you soon.

Jamal: Well, I'll guess Aramis.

[everyone goes APESHIT]

Jamal: Hi. I knew you'd be at the train station, because people in movies always know where to find someone.

The Girl: Yep. Let's kiss and then do a huge dance production number.

[they DO]

Poltergeist

[it is SUBURBIA]

JoBeth Williams: Yes! We are a happy American family! Living in this new subdivision is pretty sweet.

[they do some FAMILY things like EAT BREAKFAST and yell at the DOG]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm off to work, honey! Have fun at home!

Son: I'm off to school!

Teenage Daughter: Me too! I'm pretty much always at a friend's house, so you won't see me much.

Carol Anne: Hi.

Television: [static]

JoBeth Williams: What the...? I hope my daughter isn't crazy. She did just see me trying to flush her pet canary down the toilet, though. Perhaps she's just traumatized.

Carol Anne: They're heeeeee-ere.*

JoBeth Williams: Okay, maybe she's crazy.

[the KITCHEN CHAIRS get stacked on the TABLE and it is WEIRD]

Craig T. Nelson: I'm home!

JoBeth Williams: Honey! Come in here! I think we have ghosts! Isn't it awesome!?

[she shows him how the GHOSTS can move their DAUGHTER around in the KITCHEN]

Craig T. Nelson: Uh...no. Ghosts are not awesome. We'll figure this out in the morning.

[during the night, a TREE comes to LIFE and GRABS the SON from his BED and everyone is like SHIT but it's just a DISTRACTION so the ghosts can get the little GIRL]

JoBeth Williams: Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?

Carol Anne's Disembodied Voice: Mommy? Mommy?

Son: She's in the TV!

Craig T. Nelson: Okay, family, we'll figure this out. We have ghosts. We'll get through it. Together.

[the GHOSTS are TOO SCARY so they call some GHOSTBUSTERS who are NOT hilarious and DO NOT have PROTON PACKS]

Black Guy Ghostbuster: We've seen some pretty crazy things! One time, I recorded a matchbox car drive across a kitchen floor! It took seven hours. It was nuts!!

[JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson EXCHANGE a WRY GLANCE]

Craig T. Nelson: Well, get ready.

[they open the DOOR to Carol Anne's ROOM and it is COMPLETELY BONKERS inside and shit is flying EVERYWHERE]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Oh. We feel sheepish.

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Hey, when are you going to come back to work? The real estate development office just isn't the same without you. Also, check out the new place we're going to build. It's next to a cemetery, but we'll just move it.

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Um...can we get back to the ghosts in your house?

Craig T. Nelson: Right.

[they run some TESTS and some STUFF falls through the CEILING from another DIMENSION]

Head Lady Ghostbuster: Okay, so basically, there's these ghosts, right? And they're in your house, but in another dimension? And they want to go into the light to be in Heaven or whatever, but your daughter's life force looks like the light to them, so they're confused. Oh, and there's an evil spirit too, who is tricking her. So that's what we're dealing with. We might need to call in some backup.

[they bring in a PSYCHIC MIDGET, or what some people might call a SMALL MEDIUM]

Small Medium: Oh. Well, this is simple. We just have to send someone through the portal to the other dimension. Duh.

[they DO that, but Craig T. Nelson PULLS on the ROPE too soon and sees the EVIL SPIRIT and it is SCARY]

Small Medium: Nooooooooo!! Oh wait, it worked anyway. This house. Is clean.*

JoBeth Williams: My child! Though we are covered in spirit goo, I have you again. Now everything is fine. But we should probably move.

[she takes a SUSPENSEFUL BATH]

Clown Doll: Ha ha ha! I am alive!

Son: No! Scary clown!

Evil Spirit: Ha ha ha! I am also alive!

Carol Anne: Mommyyyyy!!

JoBeth Williams: Maybe they're in the pool we haven't finished building!

[she finds MANY CORPSES and it is WAY GROSS]

Craig T. Nelson: What's going on? What are all these corpses doing?!

Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Oh, hi! I was just stopping by to --

Craig T. Nelson: You moved the headstones! But you didn't move the bodies! YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES! YOU JUST MOVED THE HEADSTONES! AND NOT THE BODIES!!!*

[a SKELETON goes by]

JoBeth Williams: Get in the car! Everyone! Get the dog!

[the TEENAGE DAUGHTER rolls up and stands in the ROAD, screaming, for like WAY too long, considering that her HOUSE is basically a GHOST PLAYGROUND]

Craig T. Nelson: Let's get out of here! We're going to the Holiday Inn - and we're NOT keeping the TV in our room!!

[the house IMPLODES]

The Piano

[it is SCOTLAND]

Holly Hunter: You're not hearing my speaking voice. This is my mind's voice. I don't talk. I mean, I can. I just choose not to. I am going to New Zealand to marry a man I have never met. I love my piano. It is my voice.

[she and her ILLEGITIMATE CHILD are SHIPPED OFF]

Captain: Okay, so here's all your stuff...we'll just leave you guys on the beach. Peace!

Anna Paquin: Mumma, what now?

[they build a TENT with a HOOP SKIRT]

Sam Neill: Hi. I'm your husband. Nice to meet you. This is my helper, Harvey Keitel. He is white, but lives among the Maori. You might notice that we are foils of each other - I of imperialism, and he of communing with nature. I hope that imagery is suitable to you.

Holly Hunter: [silence]

Sam Neill: Right, you don't talk. Okay, let's go. We'll have to leave the piano.

Anna Paquin: She says we have to take it!! She signed it to me in our secret sign language.

Sam Neill: No, I'm sorry, my word is law.

[they take LITERALLY EVERYTHING but leave the piano on the beach]

Holly Hunter: [signs something]

Anna Paquin: Take us to the beach with the piano.

Harvey Keitel: No. I don't have time.

[he TAKES them ANYWAY because seriously what is keeping him so BUSY, he lives in a FOREST]

Holly Hunter: [plays a HAUNTING TUNE]

Harvey Keitel: This woman is so much more than I thought. I must possess her.

[he BARTERS some LAND for the PIANO so he can have it at his FOREST HOUSE]

Harvey Keitel: Now, teach me to play. But I don't actually need to play...just listen. Also, I might be doing stuff while you play. Sexy stuff.

Holly Hunter: [looks DISAPPROVING]

Harvey Keitel: Okay, I'll sell the piano back to you. One key per lesson.

Holly Hunter: [touches her BLACK dress]

Harvey Keitel: Okay, one black key.

(Note: at this point, I seriously paused the movie for like 6 minutes calculating how many black keys were on a piano based on the total number of keys and the distribution of black and white keys. I probably could have Googled it, but my couch is very comfortable. For the record, I guessed it would be 51/37, it is 52/36.)

Holly Hunter: [nods in ASSENT]

[they have a SUCCESSION of INCREASINGLY SEXY lessons]

Harvey Keitel: She is so wonderful! I can't stop thinking about her. I'll just polish her piano in the nude while she is gone.

[the TOWN has a PLAY and they ask him to play PIANO since he's getting "LESSONS," but he claims to be SHY]

Sam Neill: He STILL can't play?!? She goes there like ALL the time!!

Anna Paquin: La, la, la...perhaps I shall look inside the house of the piano lessons.

[she SEES them NAKED and is SCANDALIZED]

Sam Neill: Where has your mother gone?*

Anna Paquin: TO HELL!!!!!*

Sam Neill: Oh, really? My suspicions are now as aroused as my sideburns are attractive.

[he SEES them BONING and is IRATE and BOARDS up the HOUSE]

Harvey Keitel: Whyyyyyy?!? I shall return the piano, for I care for her so much.

Sam Neill: Okay, I'm going on a trip. You're not going to go visit your mountain man lover out there, are you? ARE YOU?

Holly Hunter: [shakes her HEAD]

[she writes on a PIANO KEY and gives it to her DAUGHTER to take to her LOVER]

Anna Paquin: I don't know what this is, but when I get to that very obvious fork in the road, I am going to take the one that goes to my stepfather instead of to my mom's boyfriend. My loyalties have now shifted.

Sam Neill: Nooooooooooooooo!! She is sending missives via her daughter!

[he RETURNS and HACKS off Holly Hunter's FINGER with an AXE and sends it via the DAUGHTER to the LOVER, which is basically the WORST ERRAND EVER]

Holly Hunter: I'm freakin' out!!

Sam Neill: Wait, you don't talk! How am I hearing you??

Holly Hunter: You are hearing my thoughts.

Sam Neill: Witch! Or something! Get out of here!

Harvey Keitel: Sweet, let's go. We can take the piano, for only I know how important it is to you, unlike your capitalist pig of a husband.

[they LOAD the piano on to, like, a CANOE, but somehow it DOES NOT SINK]

Holly Hunter: [writes on PAPER] Throw it overboard.

[they DO, and she gets CAUGHT in the ROPES and you're like SHIT SHE'S GONNA DIE but then she DOESN'T]

Holly Hunter: So now we live in a nice house and I teach piano and have a fake metal finger. It's pretty good.

Pillow Talk

[it is the FABULOUS SIXTIES]

Doris Day: My! I have SUCH a fabulous life here in New York City, with my amazing single gal pad and drunken maid!

Thelma Ritter: Heh.

Doris Day: I'll just make a business-related call for my interior design business on my party line.

Rock Hudson: I'll sing you a song, baby. I wrote it just for you.

[he sings a TERRIBLE song to SOME FLOOZY]

Doris Day: Having a party line is terrible! Oh, how I wish there were enough phone lines for everyone in New York! Sir, I cannot stand sharing this line with you anymore!!

[she FLOUNCES over to the PHONE COMPANY and basically tells them he is a RAPIST]

Phone Company: We'll send over an investigator right away!

[the INVESTIGATOR is a WOMAN who is easily CHARMED]

Doris Day: Grrr! This just grates my cheese! Oh well, I guess I'll go visit my non-boyfriend, Tony Randall.

Tony Randall: I bought you a car! Please marry me! I am rich and surprisingly handsome for Tony Randall!

Doris Day: No thanks! I am a career woman! ...but secretly, I just want to be married, because that's what all women want.

[she LEAVES in a HUFF]

Rock Hudson: Hey, buddy!

Tony Randall: Hi, friend! Let me tell you about this hot girl who won't marry me!

[they go to Tony Randall's SWEET PAD, where Rock Hudson FIGURES OUT that the girl on his PARTY LINE is his friend's GIRLFRIEND]

Rock Hudson: Oh, what delicious shenanigans could ensue from this knowledge!

[meanwhile, at some LAME PARTY]

Doris Day: Okay, I'm going home. This party is stupid. Give me a ride, young man.

Someone's College-Aged Son: Okay, but only if I can molest you in my car.

Doris Day: And how!

[he PERSUADES her to get a DRINK with him at a BAR because WOMEN are easily PERSUADED]

Someone's College-Aged Son: Let me tell you, Doris Day, you are a difficult woman.

Rock Hudson: Whaaaa? That is the woman on my party line! Let the shenanigans begin!

[he FAKES a Texan ACCENT and CHARMS her with his GOOD LOOKS and general GAYNESS]

Doris Day: Oh my! I'm so charmed!

[they have several ALMOST-RUNINS at Tony Randall's office but NEVER MEET]

Tony Randall: Waaaaaaaiiiit a minute! I just figured everything out! You're the jerk on the party line! And her new boyfriend! And my best friend! This is bonkers. Go to my cabin in Connecticut until I can sort something out.

Rock Hudson: Okay, but let me see her one last time.

[they go to a NIGHTCLUB so the movie can have ONE BLACK PERSON in it]

Sassy Black Singer Lady: Mmmmmmmhm.

Rock Hudson: Come to Connecticut with me!

Doris Day: Connecticut! How romantic!

[they GO, but she BUSTS him for being the COMPOSER when she recognizes the TERRIBLE SONG]

Doris Day: You tricked me! Now I hate you!!

[she LEAVES in a HUFF again]

Rock Hudson: Oh, what do I do? I really love her! I know...I'll ask her drunken maid.

Thelma Ritter: You gotta hire her to redecorate your apartment. It's a perfect plan.

Doris Day: Heh heh heh.

[she makes his apartment look TOTALLY INSANE]

Rock Hudson: Whaaaaaaat?!? This is unacceptable!

[he STORMS over to her place, PULLS her out of bed, and CARRIES her across town as she SHRIEKS]

Doris Day: Oh, help! Help! A strong, attractive man is carrying me away! It's all I ever wanted, but I will put up a valiant fight!

Rock Hudson: What did you do to my apartment?

Doris Day: I redecorated it.

[they KISS and it is kind of AWKWARD but I guess HAPPY]