1.29.2009

Oscar Watch '09: The Reader


[it is BERLIN in 1995]
Ralph Fiennes: Ah, the rain that comes after a night of bumsen with a hot lady. As I gaze at it, I am reminded of myself as a young man, when I looked like a really hot baby Val Kilmer.
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Baby Ralph: Oh man! I gotta get off this tram! I'm gonna vom.
[he DOES, and a KIND WOMAN helps him HOME and throws a BUCKET of WATER on his BEPUKED SHOES]
Kate Winslet: Take care of yourself, now. You're the hottest 15-year-old since Notes on a Scandal, and I wouldn't want you to die.
[he CONVALESCES from the SCARLET FEVER that made him PUKE]
Baby Ralph: A kind woman helped me the day I got ill. Perhaps I shall seek her out and thank her.
[he brings her FLOWERS and watches her CHANGING, for which she THROWS him out, but then he goes BACK and she makes him FETCH her COAL from the COAL CHUTE]
Kate Winslet: You are covered in coal! Get naked and get in the bath. I'll bring you a towel. Naked. Thus begins my seduction of you.
[they BONE and it is WAY HOT]
Baby Ralph: Tra la! Now I have a lady friend! My age-appropriate friends want to hang out, but all I want to do is my hot older girlfriend!
Kate Winslet: Read to me, kid. Read to me aloud.
[he DOES, from many CLASSIC BOOKS, in the NUDE, followed by MORE BONING]
Baby Ralph: Let's go on a bike trip! Do you want to order something from the menu?
Kate Winslet: Uh...I'll just have whatever you get, kid.
[some WOMAN thinks Kate's his MOM, so he KISSES her to FREAK everyone OUT]
Baby Ralph: This is great! Nothing can stop our love!
[they have a FIGHT and Kate Winslet gets a PROMOTION and BOUNCES without a TRACE]
Baby Ralph: I am scarred for life.
[eight years LATER]
Law Student Ralph: I love justice! But I'm so conflicted. After all, I am a German youth, born in 1943. The generation before me did terrible things. I wonder if this will have an impact on my psyche.
Law Professor: We're going to a Nazi trial! Let's open up that wound and see what happens.
[one of the DEFENDANTS is Kate Winslet]
Law Student Ralph: Shit.
Jewish Witness: She used to make the prisoners read to her. And then she would send them to their deaths. Then, one time, the guards locked us all in a church the started on fire and my daughter and I were the only ones who escaped.
All the Other Defendants: Yes, we locked the Jews we were guarding in a church and let them burn to death, but Kate Winslet wrote the report! She was in charge!
Law Student Ralph: Wait a minute...she CAN'T READ!! She couldn't have written the report! Or been in charge! It all makes sense now. But...what do I do?
[he goes to VISIT her but BAILS because it is TOO EMOTIONAL]
Kate Winslet: Yes. Yes, I wrote the report. It is too shameful for me to admit I can't read.
Judge: All you other guards who threw Kate Winslet under the bus? Four years. Kate Winslet? LIFE IN PRISON.
[ten years LATER]
Ralph Fiennes: Now I am divorced and don't get to see my daughter as much. I'll use my time to make cassette tapes of the books I read to my lover as a boy.
Kate Winslet: What are these? Oh my! Books on tape!
[he makes, like A MILLION books on tape]
Kate Winslet: I shall use these to learn to read and write, and regain my humanity.
[she DOES, and writes him many LETTERS to which he NEVER RESPONDS]
Warden: She's being released next week. You're her only contact outside the prison. You must take responsibility for her.
Ralph Fiennes: But I barely know her! But my guilt...I must assuage it.
[he VISITS her, FINALLY, and she is MAD OLD]
Ralph Fiennes: I got you a job and an apartment for when you get out.
Kate Winslet: Thanks. Bye.
[she HANGS herself on the day she was to be RELEASED and it is SAD]
Ralph Fiennes: I will honor her dying wishes, and bring this tin of money to the daughter who was in the church fire.
Lena Olin: I cannot accept this money, for it seems like reparations.
Ralph Fiennes: Well, she learned to read in prison, so maybe a literacy organization? For Jews?
Lena Olin: I'm sure one exists, though illiteracy does not seem to be a particularly Jewish problem.*
[they PART on OKAY terms, even though the SPECTRE of the HOLOCAUST looms large between them]
Ralph Fiennes: So, my daughter. I know I have been distant for your whole life. But I would like to tell you a story...
[he TAKES her to the place he went on the BIKE TOUR so she can understand his HISTORY]

4 comments:

John A said...

You are truly a saint. You are saving me from the need to see Kate Winslet naked and dying in movies that look like they would probably be good but I have no interest in seeing.

I have some interest in having seen these movies, but none in actually seeing them.

The Jewish illiteracy line is awesome.

Movie Maven said...

I aim to please! I kind of felt the same way - the actual watching of them was not bad, but also not terribly enjoyable (though I did get popcorn AND Nestle Buncha Crunch, which I combined for a taste sensation).

BeckEye said...

I laughed at the Jewish illiteracy line too.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I did get popcorn AND Nestle Buncha Crunch, which I combined for a taste sensation

I had deep, thoughtful comments about this movie, but now my brain can think of one thing and one thing only: NESTLE BUNCHA CRUNCH.

I always feel like I want to go to the movies, and then I realize that I really just want to eat Snocaps.