Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

A Place in the Sun

This movie is legit incredible. It's all sad and sexy and chock-full of insightful social commentary. My one quibble is that I kind of think that if you're making a movie about someone trying to social-climb and encountering true obstacles, you shouldn't cast someone who is this hot. Hot people can do whatever they want! Is anyone ever going to keep a hottie from attending a party because they have cheap shoes or something? BEAUTY IS CURRENCY, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

***

[it is the REPRESSED 1950s. Montgomery Clift HITCHHIKES as the camera ZOOMS IN on his hot, troubled face]

Montgomery Clift: How I wish I could get in that beautiful car with that beautiful woman, who is speeding away from me. 

[he instead GETS a LIFT in a truck CONTAINING live chickens]

Montgomery Clift: Hello. I'm here to see my uncle, the owner of this swimsuit company. 

His Uncle: Ah yes! Come to my house tonight, my boy, and we'll discuss your future! 

His Aunt: Are you SURE you want to give him a job, darling? He's so poor and his mother was so RELIGIOUS. How vulgar!

[Montgomery Clift ARRIVES in a cheap suit and is ASHAMED but he's SUPER hot so who CARES?]  

His Uncle: You're family and we take care of family down at Bikini, Inc. My son will give you a job worthy of your station.

[Elizabeth Taylor ENTERS and is BREATHTAKING and VIVACIOUS]

Elizabeth Taylor: Tra la! Come on everyone, time to go to a rich-person party!

[literally everyone LEAVES and Monty is not INVITED]

Montgomery Clift: I will say nothing but my face will show a thousand feelings.

[it is the FACTORY]

Monty's Cousin: So the girls place swimsuits into boxes and you stack them. Sometimes you'll put them on a cart. Easy enough for you, dumdum?

[it is NOT at first but he GETS better at the EASIEST job in the WORLD as Factory Girl Shelley Winters GAZES at him]

Montgomery Clift: Well, well, well. Fancy running into you at this movie theater. Guess what, I'm walking you home.

Shelley Winters: I suppose I don't really have a choice in the matter, but OK. You just can't come inside. 

Montgomery Clift: Guess what, I'm coming inside.

[he TURNS UP the radio and the camera PANS away to INDICATE that they are DOING IT and honestly, I'm not SEEING a lot of ENTHUSIASTIC consent here]

[time PASSES, INDICATED by FLYING calendar pages]

Monty's Uncle: My boy, what are you doing on the line? This won't do! Go work in the office. And come to a ball at my house while you're at it. 

[he GOES to the ball but FEELS rebuked by society so he PLAYS pool and Elizabeth Taylor HAPPENS UPON him]

Elizabeth Taylor: Gosh, you sure are a swell player. I'm just going to stand here with my perfect body and face, to make you even more nervous. 

Montgomery Clift: I know I'm just sexy gutter trash, even in a tux, but will you dance with me? 

Elizabeth Taylor: And how!

[they DANCE all night long]

Shelley Winters: Where were you? With all those pretty society girls? 

Montgomery Clift: [extremely UNCONVINCINGLY] No way, sugar, you're the only one for me. 

[he GOES to another ball and DANCES with Elizabeth Taylor and it is SENSUAL]

Montgomery Clift: I love you. If I could only tell you how much I love you.* 

Elizabeth Taylor: Tell Mama. Tell Mama all.*

Montgomery Clift: Did you just call yourself "Mama?" 

[they KISS and it's too much BEAUTY for my eyes to BEHOLD]

Montgomery Clift: This is fucking awesome.

Shelley Winters: I have to tell you something and since we had sex in the 50s, obviously you know what it is. 

[she WEEPS]

Montgomery Clift: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[he TAKES her to the ABORTION doctor and she TELLS a series of ESCALATING lies]

The Doctor: I'm sorry but there's nothing I will do, because the past sucks.

[she WEEPS and it is truly HEARTBREAKING]

Shelley Winters: I guess we'll just have to get married.

Montgomery Clift: [SHITS a brick]

Elizabeth Taylor: Come and visit me at my family's gorgeous lake house!

[they FROLIC and are beautiful and she TELLS him about a DROWNING that I'm sure WON'T be IMPORTANT to the PLOT later]

Shelley Winters: I feel abandoned! Where could he be?

[she SEES a photo of Monty in the SOCIETY pages, DRIVING a SPEEDBOAT and LOVING life]

Shelley Winters: I'm at the lake bus station, you liar. You have to marry me, RIGHT NOW or I'll tell the papers, which was apparently a real threat in the 50s!

Montgomery Clift: GULP. 

[he TELLS more LIES to Elizabeth Taylor, who is TROUBLED]

Montgomery Clift: Aw shucks, the registrar is closed for the holiday. What say we take a refreshing boat ride on Lake Murder? 

Shelley Winters: OK I guess, though I don't know how to swim as I mentioned earlier in the movie. 

[he RENTS the BOAT with a FAKE name and they DRIFT in the water OMINOUSLY as it GETS DARK]

Shelley Winters: I know you don't really want to marry me, but we'll have a small, inconsequential life together filled with lots of factory work and children and no speedboats. It'll be fine!

Montgomery Clift: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

[she STANDS up in the BOAT because of her FEELINGS and they FALL into the WATER]

Montgomery Clift: Here I am back at the vacation house, nothing to see here, I definitely haven't been fully clothed in a lake anytime recently.

[he is a SWEATY mess of PTSD with no CHILL] 

Elizabeth Taylor's Dad: Well, my daughter likes you so I suppose you can marry her, even though you're still kind of trashy.

Montgomery Clift: GREAT SOUNDS GOOD, NOTHING CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THAT.

[meanwhile, Shelley Winters' BODY is FLOATING in the LAKE]

A Detective: Hmmm. I know that this poor young woman wasn't on the boat by herself, and we can't find another body. Obviously this is a murder.

[they FIND the SMOKING GUN speedboat pic in Shelley's house and almost INSTANTLY arrest a SWEATING Monty and there is a TRIAL]

Montgomery Clift: I didn't kill her! I think? I mean it wasn't on purpose! Was it? I don't even know!

The Prosecutor: We know you did it. Now get into this canoe we've brought into the courtroom and show us what happened! 

[Monty FALLS OUT of the courtroom CANOE which somehow PROVES his GUILT]

The Judge: I sentence you to death in the electric chair.

Elizabeth Taylor: I will always love you, and also be scarred by this experience forevermore.  

A Priest: Confess your sins, my son.

Montgomery Clift: TBH, I didn't kill Shelley but I also didn't try to save her because I kind of hated her.

A Priest: Then you had murder in your heart which I guess is the same as actual murder.

Montgomery Clift: Yeah.

[he WALKS slowly to his DEATH and his face is both totally EXPRESSIONLESS and also CONTAINS every EMOTION that has ever EXISTED]

*actual line from movie

Gentleman's Agreement

You know, while I blow it some grief for being rather ham-fisted in its approach, I do have to give this movie props for attempting to take on an absolutely enormous issue like five minutes after the greatest human rights atrocity in modern history. I don't find it to be entirely successful, but the attempt is very admirable. Also Gregory Peck is a smokeshow, which is basically why I watched it, TBH. 

***

[It is 1948, maybe too CLOSE to the war for this movie to HAVE the proper perspective]

Gregory Peck: Well son, we live in New York now. Daddy’s been hired to write for a magazine. It’s sad that your mom is dead.

Freckle-Faced Son: Sure is, pops!

Gregory Peck’s Mom: Good thing I’m here to take care of you two knuckleheads! 

Gregory Peck: Time to go to work!

His Editor: Say, I’ve got a crackerjack assignment for you. I think we should write about antisemitism. It’s a hot-button issue.

Gregory Peck: Yeah, since the Holocaust literally JUST happened!

20th Century Fox: DON’T MENTION THE HOLOCAUST, LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

[Gregory Peck GOES to a party where he MEETS the editor’s niece Kathy, who in the GRAND TRADITION of old movies could be ANYWHERE from 25 to 55 BASED on general styling]

Kathy: Well hi there. I suggested that my uncle run the piece on antisemitism. Let’s fall in love, shall we?

Gregory Peck: And how!

[they are INSTANTLY in love for no REASON I can UNDERSTAND]

Freckle-Face Son: Hey Pops, what’s antisemitism? 

Gregory Peck: Hmm. I cannot explain this easily to you, so I must take the assignment. But I can’t find the angle! 

[he PACES around his apartment in a three-inch-long tie]

Gregory Peck: If only my old childhood chum Dave could help me! He’s way Jewish. But he is at Army. 

[he WRITES Dave a letter while REFLECTING on the fact that Dave doesn’t LOOK all that Jewish or something which GIVES him a great idea]

Gregory Peck: I know! I’ll live as a Jewish man for six months. And by “live as” I mean I’ll just sort of sternly tell people I’m Jewish after they’ve said something offensive and temporarily change my name to Greenstein. Then I’ll know everything. 

Mom: [NODS wisely]

Gregory Peck: Now, to begin my life as a Jewish man. 

Kathy: I'm so proud of you! But wait, just to confirm, you’re not...REALLY Jewish are you?

[she SHRINKS away ever so SLIGHTLY for foreshadowing]

Gregory Peck: Huh.

[it is the OFFICE]

Gregory Peck: Secretary, I want you to write two letters to an employment agency – one from a real red-blooded American name and one from a stereotypically Jewish name. Let’s see which one gets an interview.

June Havoc, aka Dainty June from Gypsy: Hey, that’s what I did to get this job. I am secretly Jewish. Gross, right?

Gregory Peck: So am I! 

[various people are CAGILY anti-Semitic in a “wink wink” kind of WAY while Peck RESPONDS in his STERN Atticus Finch VOICE]

Celeste Holm: Here I am, a fabulous fashion editor awash in hats and quips. Let’s have a martini! I couldn't care less that you are Jewish, you handsome, handsome man.

Kathy: But I kind of do! Even though I know you are not. We got engaged somewhere in here, I guess and I don’t want you to continue your experiment at the party my WASP sister is throwing for us. It’s just TOO REAL. 

[they HAVE the first of many FIGHTS]

John Garfield: It’s me, Dave, your token Jewish friend, here to visit and be surprisingly cool with your mildly offensive journalism gimmick. I shall tell you what it is like to be Jewish.

[he LAYS IT OUT and also FIGHTS yet another anti-Semitic piece of SHIT at a restaurant]

Celeste Holm: You two Jewish boys are all right! 

Freckle-Face Son: Say pop, are we Jewish? 

Gregory Peck: Kind of?

Freckle-Face Son: Okey dokey, I guess. 

Gregory Peck: Hey honey, my old pal Dave and his family need a place to stay. People won’t rent to his family because he truly has to live life as a Jewish man in 1948 and isn’t on some Tyra Banks-esque lark. Can they live in your family’s empty country home for a while?

Kathy: They wouldn’t understand! They WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!

Gregory Peck: The fuck?

[they BREAK UP maybe? but he still GOES for his journalist EXPERIMENT to the place where they were going to HONEYMOON because apparently they don’t ADMIT Jews]

Gregory Peck: Do you or do you not accept Jews?!*

Hotel Manager: [STARES impassively]

Freckle-Face Son: Pop, some boys from school chased me and called me dirty words because I am maybe Jewish. Why would they do that to me? Why, Pop?

[it is LEGITIMATELY sad]

Kathy: No, Billy, no! You’re no more Jewish than I!*

Gregory Peck: What the FUCK.

[they BREAK UP for real, FINALLY]

Celeste Holm: I know it’s not my place, but I don’t think Kathy is the right woman for you. She's clearly a bigot and her hats aren't even that cute. 

[her eyes GLISTEN with UNREQUITED LOVE tears]

The Editor: What a page-turner, Peck! You really outdid yourself.

Dainty June: Whaaaa? You’re not Jewish?! But I thought you were a [insert terrible slur] like me!

Gregory Peck: Look at me! Don’t I have the same face, the same hands as I did when you thought I was Jewish?*

[he MANSPLAINS antisemitism, to her, a Jewish person]

Kathy: I’m not an anti-Semite, right John Garfield?

John Garfield: No, not outright, but when people make terrible jokes do you say something? Do you stand up for people when they are discriminated against? The worst kind of people are the nice people who do nothing.

[I NOD along, ASHAMED of myself for the JOKES I have made whilst WRITING this]

Kathy: I’ve been so wrong! Gregory Peck, I’m sorry. Your Jewish friend can live in our family home. 

Gregory Peck: Hooray! We are in love again.

Celeste Holm: I guess I’ll just win an Oscar for this movie. I mean, I was fine in it. 

[antisemitism is SOLVED thanks to one BRAVE WASP]

*actual line from movie

Legends of the Fall

This is my family's favorite movie. My dad would always insist on playing the soundtrack on long car rides, making our trips through rural Illinois to visit my grandparents seem majestic and deeply emotional. I was never really a fan (Brad Pitt eats a heart at one point, which is a big no thanks) but I did enjoy this rewatch.

**

[it is MONTANA, in the PAST]
One Stab [in VO]: Hello. I am here to tell you the tale of three brothers. And I thiiiiiink I’m a pretty respectful portrayal of a Native person?
[we HEAR the BACKSTORY of the Ludlow family in which Anthony Hopkins STOPS being an Army Colonel because he HATES the TRAIL OF TEARS and BUILDS a MANSION in the MIDDLE of NOWHERE and has THREE SONS and his WIFE is like “Smell ya later, I’m going back to civilization,” and Strapping Baby Brad Pitt MAIMS a GRIZZLY on an ADVENTURE so you KNOW he’s the COOL one]
One Stab [in VO]: The boys were BFFs and nothing could ever, ever, EVER tear them apart.
[it is LATER]
Elliott from E.T.: Hello, family! I am home from Harvard, and I have brought along my beautiful fiancé, Hubris. I mean “Susannah.”
[Aidan Quinn STARES at her like a SEX MURDERER]
Julia Ormond: What a beautiful landscape! I know I’ll be happy here with my boyish husb- wuh wuh wuh WUHHH?
[Brad Pitt APPEARS across the VISTA on a HORSE, with FLOWING FLAXEN LOCKS and ROUGHSHOD CHARM in TOW]
Julia Ormond: Holy SHIT.
[she LEARNS the WAY of the LAND cause she’s NOT like the OTHER GIRLS]
Anthony Hopkins: [CHOMPING on a GIANT CIGAR] What a treat to have a woman in the house again. Surely this will have no tragic consequences!
[Julia Ormond longingly WATCHES Brad Pitt TAME a WILD and SYMBOLIC horse]
Elliott from E.T.: I have enlisted in the army, due to my idealism.
Anthony Hopkins: You’re a damned fool! You’re the wimpiest one!
Julia Ormond: Please go protect him, Brad Pitt.
[she WEEPS and he HOLDS her in his MUSCULAR grip and they ALMOST KISS]
Aidan Quinn: [LURKING in the SHADOWS] Whaaaa?!
[it is WAR]
Elliott from E.T. [via letter]: It’s very gross here and I keep peeing my pants with fear. Maybe this was a bad idea.
[there are VIOLENT MONTAGES of his BROTHERS not LETTING him do ANYTHING on the field of BATTLE, some of which I FAST-FORWARDED]
Aidan Quinn: Our brother has joined a suicide mission to prove his bravery! You’re supposed to be supervising!
[Elliott DIES, obviously, and Brad Pitt is EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED and maybe EATS his HEART? and EVENTUALLY the BROTHERS return HOME to BEGIN their RIFT]
Aidan Quinn: This is kind of awkward, seeing as you’re basically my brother’s widow, but I love you. Please marry me.
Julia Ormond: :/
[she BONES Brad Pitt INSTEAD and they SPEND a LOT OF TIME brushing their LUSCIOUS LOCKS out of each other’s FACES]
Aidan Quinn: You’ll never make her happy. But you also have to marry her.
Brad Pitt: I will do both of those things.
[he DOES NOT]
Aidan Quinn: I'll show you all! I’m going to Helena to become a capitalist!
[MEANWHILE, Brad Pitt and Julia Ormond HERD cattle and BATHE in RIVERS and have NO FUN EVER, and he is CATATONIC]
Emo Brad Pitt: Since I almost accidentally murdered you because of my PTSD, I’m leaving now. To where I know not.
Julia Ormond: I’ll wait for you forever.*
[he PEACES OUT and the MUSIC is SO LOUD]
One Stab [in VO]: He had to find his destiny, like the rocks that meet the river and the sun shining in the sky and the mountains reaching to the heavens, and the bears feasting on children in the woods.
[Julia Ormond WRITES Brad Pitt LETTERS in her MIND and we see MONTAGES of him being DASHED ABOUT on SHIPS and MURDERING exotic ANIMALS for TUSKS]
Emo Brad Pitt [via LETTER]: I am dead, emotionally. Marry someone else.
Julia Ormond: WEEP.
Aidan Quinn: You always loved him more, Daddy! He stole my girlfriend and he killed our brother.
[Anthony Hopkins ROARS in ANGUISH and has an TRAUMA STROKE and it is SAD]
One Stab [in VO and I just REALIZED that he NEVER actually TALKS]: I heard a stirring in the winds and a beating in the heart of the land and other mystical stuff.
[Brad Pitt CRESTS a HILL yet again with a MILLION HORSES because this ASSHOLE always has to MAKE an ENTRANCE]
Brad Pitt: I’m ho-o-o-me! I shall never explain how I overcame my man pain. Here are some tusks. Look at my hair!
[it is BEAUTIFUL]
The Ranch Hand: Julia Ormond moved to Helena to marry your brother, who finally wore her down. He’s a congressman!
Isabel Two: Welcome home, Brad Pitt. It’s me, the hot daughter of the ranch hand who loved you as a young girl and who wasn’t brought up earlier in this recap because this movie is so long.
Brad Pitt: SCHWING.
[they FALL in LOVE via MONTAGE and get MARRIED and have BEAUTIFUL children]
Ranch Hand: You don’t really have any work skills so maybe become a bootlegger?
[he DOES and doesn’t PLAY by the RULES and the “corporate” BOOTLEGGERS are PISSED, but I wasn’t REALLY paying ATTENTION at this part]
Brad Pitt: Hello, Aidan Quinn and Julia Ormond. Nice to see you at this county fair as I frolic with my perfect family.
[she has ZERO CHILL and it’s like GIRL, get AHOLD of yourself]
Brad Pitt: Tra la, back to the ranch, family!
[they are FOLLOWED by the COPS who are in the POCKETS of the EVIL BOOTLEGGERS(?) and there is a STANDOFF and Isabel Two is KILLED by a ROGUE BULLET and it is HORRIBLE]
Brad Pitt: NOT AGAAAAAAAIN!
[he BEATS everyone UP and GOES to JAIL for a WHILE]
Brad Pitt: I know what I must do.
[there is a STRESSFUL MONTAGE where he and his RANCH BROS go on a MIDNIGHT REVENGE RAID interposed with Julia Ormond WEEPING at HERSELF in the MIRROR and CUTTING OFF her HAIR]
Brad Pitt: [SCALPS the shooter GUY, like I get that you’re MAD but HOLY SHIT, dude]
Julia Ormond: [SHOOTS herself]
Aidan Quinn: I played by all the rules and you played by none of them, and they all loved you more.*
The Evil Bootlegger: We’re here to kill you, Brad Pitt.
Anthony Hopkins: [unintelligible BEAR ROAR]
[the OLD BOY still has some GRIT in him, and SHOOTS most of THEM and then Aidan Quinn SHOOTS the main one UNEXPECTEDLY from BEHIND the HOUSE because the Ludlows will ALWAYS be BROTHERS even when they all BANG the same GIRL]
Aidan Quinn: Let’s have a reconciliation in front of these three corpses. Now let’s go bury them in the woods…as a family.
[they DO that GUY thing where they HUG AGGRESSIVELY and CRY-LAUGH and MEANWHILE the BODIES are just LYING there]
One Stab [VO]: Yes indeed, the body count was high for everyone that loved Brad Pitt. He was the rock they broke themselves against.*
[it is the FUTURE and OLD MAN Brad Pitt is MAULED to DEATH in SLOW MOTION by a GRIZZLY that is MAYBE the SAME one from the BEGINNING of the MOVIE but I’m not an EXPERT on the LIFESPAN of GRIZZLIES]
One Stab [VO]: It was a good death.*
My Family: [LEAPS to their FEET APPLAUDING]

*actual line from movie

Drive

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]

X-Men: First Class

I like how, on this poster, they put Havok on it, but so, so far back that it almost doesn't matter that he's there, like the tiny CGI horse at 0:38 in this Beyonce video.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is WWII Germany]
L'il Fassbender: Nooooo! Don't take meine Mutti away!! Noooo! We are Jews!!!!
[he BENDS a GATE and the Nazis are like WHAT]
L'il Fassbender: Raaaaaaaaaaage!!! My rage makes metal do things!!!!
[it is WESTCHESTER, also during WWII]
L'il McAvoy: Oh, hello, possible burglar. I don't mean to pry, but...you're clearly not my mother, though you look like her. I was just wondering what you were doing in my kitchen. Also I was wondering why I have an English accent, since we're in America.
L'il Lawrence: Uh...I'm a shapeshifter. My real form is blue and weird-looking. But I guess you knew that because you can read minds. Not really sure about the accent thing, though.
L'il McAvoy: Jolly good, we're both mutants then! You can live with me, though we are both, like, 10.
[back in GERMANY]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Move this coin.
L'il Fassbender: I can't!
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: No? Okay, I'll shoot your mom then.
[he DOES, and L'il Fassbender goes NUTBALLS and all the METAL everywhere is, like, DESTROYED]
Deutscher Kevin Bacon: Yes! Yes!!! Mutants!!!!
[it is LATER, during the SWINGING SIXTIES]
James McAvoy: You have a mutation...a very groovy mutation.*
Random Hot Girl: Hahahaha! Your stupid pickup line totally worked on me!
Jennifer Lawrence: Sigh.
[it is LAS VEGAS]
Extremely Unnecessary Title Card: LAS VEGAS, NV
Rose Byrne: Look! It's that general! I'm going to tail him in lingerie, just like a CIA agent would, because I am totally a CIA agent, you guys.
[she DOES, because in the SIXTIES, all ladies wore FANCY UNDIES ALWAYS]
January Jones: Are my breasts big enough to distract you from how bad I am at acting?
Kevin Bacon: ...not really.
January Jones: Oh well, here they are anyway. I can turn into diamonds LOL
[she LURES the GENERAL into a ROOM with her VACANT SEXINESS]
Kevin Bacon: You better vote for the government to put nukes in Turkey!
General: No!
Kevin Bacon: Yes!
[the TORNADO-MAKING GUY shows his MUTANT POWERS and also his SWEET LUXURIOUS MANE]
General: Okay! Your tornadoes, and to a lesser extent, your hair, have convinced me.
[the RED MUTANT spirits him AWAY via MUTANT POWERS]
Rose Byrne: Nukes in Turkey! And mutants!! That's no good! I better tell the rest of the CIA!
[they don't BELIEVE her because of SEXISM]
Rose Byrne: Damn my lingerie!! I must find a mutant expert! That's a real thing, right?
[meanwhile, in ARGENTINA]
Michael Fassbender: I'll have a beer, please, and also the square jaw of Viggo Mortensen. Oh wait, I already have that. Just the beer, I guess.
Some Guys Who Are Clearly Nazis in Hiding: Deutsches Bier...das Beste.
Michael Fassbender: BUSTED. You guys are totally Nazis. And I'm a Jew...who is gonna kill your asses!!!
[he DOES, spectacularly]
Michael Fassbender: Revenge!!!!!
[meanwhile, on a BOAT]
General: Okay, so now that I've helped you get the nukes into Turkey, I can just, like, chill out, right?
Kevin Bacon: NOPE. And guess what? I'm also a mutant!! And my mutant power is absorbing energy!! Like the energy from that grenade you were going to try to kill me with!!!! But instead I will kill you!!!!!!
[he DOES, also spectacularly, but less so]
Rose Byrne: I need to find a mutant expert.
James McAvoy: I am a charming mutant expert. You have a very groovy mutation...*
Rose Byrne: Okay, stop trying to charm me, this is serious. I need your help at the CIA.
CIA Heads: These mutants might be dangerous! We can't HIRE them!
Oliver Platt: Yes, but I can! I'm in this movie!!
James McAvoy: Okay, but first we have to find Kevin Bacon. I will do it with my mind powers.
[they FIND him on his BOAT and try to CAPTURE him but he gets away in his SUBMARINE]
Michael Fassbender: Nooooo!!! My revenge!!!
James McAvoy: Stop trying to stop his submarine with your powers of metal, new friend. Just calm down in the water here with me. Rest your head upon my shoulder. Not in a gay way or anything.
[they DO NOT KISS but really SHOULD]
Oliver Platt: I'm still in the movie! Enjoy it while it lasts! Let's go to my compound.
About A Boy: Hi guys! I'm a scientist! And a mutant! Please don't stare at my feet!
[his FEET are HUGE]
Jennifer Lawrence: Bokayyyyy! You also have mutant body issues, just like me! Maybe we can work through them together.
About A Boy: Also I made this thing that can amplify telepathic powers! Let's find some more mutants! Here, put this thing on your head.
James McAvoy: Don't touch my hair.*
[there is a MUTANT-FINDING montage that is PRETTY GREAT]
Angel: I'm a stripper with bug wings!
Havok: I can shoot red flame things!
Darwin: I adapt to my environment! Also I am black, FYI.
Banshee: I can yell real loud!
James McAvoy: Great! You guys hang out here and we'll go see what the bad guys are up to.
[the BAD GUYS attack the COMPOUND and basically DESTROY it except for the MUTANTS]
Angel: I'm switching sides, you guys.
Darwin: Nooooooo!
[he tries to STOP HER but instead is KILLED because of TROPES]
Kevin Bacon: Come on, stripper bug, let's get out of here.
[meanwhile, in RUSSIA]
January Jones: Seriously, check out this rack, you guys. It is, like, amazing. I just want to look at my own breasts all day.
Michael Fassbender: Yeah, we get it.
James McAvoy: Now tell us the plan! Oh wait, I'm a telepath, I'll just look in your brain and find it out!
[he DOES]
James McAvoy: Oh shit, Kevin Bacon is going to start World War III! All right, back to the compound to assemble our army of teen mutants.
Jennifer Lawrence: Um...it's destroyed.
James McAvoy: Oh, easy fix, we'll just go to my insanely huge mansion upstate.
[they DO, and do a GROOVY TRAINING MONTAGE]
Teen Mutants: We are good at our powers now!
Michael Fassbender: I learned to harness my emotions to move a satellite dish!
James McAvoy: Yes. Use the place between rage and serenity.*
Michael Fassbender: Isn't that, like...all the emotions? Like, if rage is a 10, serenity is a 1?
James McAvoy: Shut up, it sounds good.
[they both shed A SINGLE TEAR but still DO NOT KISS]
About A Boy: I brought you a present!
Jennifer Lawrence: Is it chocolates?
About A Boy: No, it's a serum that will fix how you are so ugly.
Jennifer Lawrence: That is a terrible present!
[she tries to deal with her MUTANT BODY ISSUES by THROWING HERSELF at Fassbender]
Michael Fassbender: You fine, but not now. But let me reiterate: daaaaamn, you fine.
About A Boy: I was just trying to help...I'll take the serum myself, though.
[he DOES and he turns BLUE and FURRY]
About A Boy: My comeuppance!!! Now I will grow up to be Kelsey Grammer! Whyyyyy!!
Rose Byrne: Ummmmm you guys we still kind of need your help to capture this bad guy...the Cuban missile crisis is happening and I think he's going to use it to start a war so mutants can take over.
Kevin Bacon: Yes!! That is totally my plan! I will wear this helmet the Russians made to block out telepaths! It does not look stupid AT ALL.
[there is an INTENSE STANDOFF involving the EMBARGO LINE and MICHAEL IRONSIDE]
Kevin Bacon: Hahaha! When the Americans shoot that Russian ship that my henchmen now have control of, a global thermonuclear war will be launched!
James McAvoy: Oh no you don't!
[he TELEPATHICALLY makes a RUSSIAN DUDE blow up the RUSSIAN SHIP so there is NO WAR]
Michael Fassbender: Now, for my revenge.
James McAvoy: No! Don't do it! Be the better man!
Michael Fassbender: Dude, he killed my mom.
[he STEALS the STUPID HELMET and kills Kevin Bacon with a COIN through his FOREHEAD]
Michael Fassbender: Remember this coin from earlier? I CAN MOVE IT NOW, BITCH.
[he DOES NOT actually say that but he is TOTALLY THINKING IT]
James McAvoy: We can coexist with humans!
Michael Fassbender: Then why did the Americans and Russians BOTH just shoot all their missiles at us?
James McAvoy: Oh. Well, shit.
Michael Fassbender: We can never live peacefully with them!!
[he uses his METAL POWERS to aim the MISSILES back where they CAME FROM]
James McAvoy: What are you doing?!
Rose Byrne: Yeah, stop that!
[she SHOOTS and one of the bullets is DEFLECTED into James McAvoy's LUMBAR REGION]
James McAvoy: My spine!!!
Michael Fassbender: I guess we are enemies now, old friend. Bye!
Jennifer Lawrence: I'm, uh...I'm switching sides too. Mutant and proud!!
James McAvoy: Great. I'm paralyzed and have no friends. I guess I'll open a mutant school. That seems appropriate.
Michael Fassbender: And I'll find that diamond lady with the big ta-tas!
January Jones: That's me!
[she STARES VACANTLY]
Michael Fassbender: Now I shall be called...MAGNETO!!!
[he puts on a CAPE for some reason]

Broadway Extra: Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark

I have never done a review of anything but a movie on this site, but this shit cost more than a lot of movies to make, so we're making an exception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is A PLACE]
Geek Chorus: Hi! We're the geek chorus!
Girl Geek: I'm a girl! What!
Geek Chorus: We're here to try and serve the purpose of making this some sort of parallel universe to the already-established Spider-Man universe. Will it work? Probably not! Let's sing about it!
Girl Geek: But what about Arachne?!?!
Geek Chorus: Uhhhhh...I'm not super-sure how that's related but ok.
[ARACHNE is there with AERIALISTS who WEAVE A THING and it is PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY]
Arachne: I want to die because Athena was mean to me!
[she HANGS herself, I guess]
Peter Parker: ...and that's the story of Arachne. She became a spider!
Bullies: Nerd!! You gave a report and are a nerd. Also you are not wearing yellow, nerd!!
Peter Parker: Guys, please don't beat me up! Especially not while dancing!!
[they DO that, and the dance-fighting is FINE but the song is called "Bullying by Numbers" which is NOT A THING/PHRASE]
Mary Jane: Sorry your life sucks. Mine does too! We live in Queens!
[a ONE-MILLION DOLLAR SUBWAY TRAIN MODEL drives by]
Peter Parker: Really?! Can we sing a super-self-pitying song about it? Together, but separately?
[he WALKS on a TREADMILL]
Mary Jane: As long as I can sing real high!
MJ's Dad: I am terrible, but fortunately you'll never see me again!
Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Are we characters? Not really! I guess we don't understand teenagers!
Peter Parker: Oh man my life sucks so hard!! I don't even really have a plan to get out of it. Oh well!
[meanwhile, at a SCIENCE PLACE]
Norman Osborn: Listen up, science team. I've given you all silver coats to look extra-sciencey, and I'm southern for some reason, but don't let that distract you from our real goal: something!
Emily Osborn: Yes! Goals!
Science Lackey: There are some high school students here to tour the lab!
Norman Osborn: Great, that's not unsafe at all! Bring them down here.
[they do a NUMBER about "doing it to yourself" because it's a DIY WORLD]
My Friend Deborah: I think a fair amount of teenage boys are already doing it to themselves.
Emily Osborn: The spider. SHE'S MISSIN'!!!!* WHY ARE WE SOUTHERN?!
Spider: I am a cool puppet and going to bite you!! Hahahahaha!
Peter Parker: Oh no! I feel different!
[he wakes up on the CEILING of his ROOM, which has WALLS that MOVE]
Peter Parker: Oh man, I'm awesome now! I'm bouncing off the walls! Literally!
[he sings a song called "Bouncing Off the Walls" that MAY or MAY NOT have other lyrics]
Geek Chorus: Now he needs a suit!
Girl Geek: Boys can't sew, haha! Gender roles.
[Peter Parker appears in a "HILARIOUSLY" terrible outfit]
Peter Parker: Now I will wrestle this inflatable wrestler and win some money! Yes!!
[he DOES, and it is SORT OF FUNNY]
Announcer: He's going Sunday, Bloody Sunday on his opponent!* U2 LOL
Bully: Oh no! My car is being stolen!
Peter Parker: I ain't care!
Uncle Ben: Oh no! I got run over and am dying! Peter, with great power comes...wait, that's dumb. Rise above! RISE ABOVE!!!
Peter Parker: Rise above what? That doesn't make any sense!
Arachne: Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
[she gives him his SPIDEY SUIT because she is good at WEAVING or something]
Peter Parker: Hooray! Now I will stop bad guys!!
[he DOES, while FLYING using TECHNOLOGY]
Bad Guys: We have big, papier-mache looking heads! Are we incongruous with the rest of the show? Yes! But do we look cool?! Sort of!
[a HUGE HAND of Spider-Man catches a HUGE BABY]
J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? I hate him! For no reason! Get me pictures!!!
Norman Osborn: That guy stole my spider!
The Military: Yes, and you must get to work on your new research!
Norman Osborn: Why?
The Military: We don't know, but here is a song!
[they MARCH while wearing BOOTY SHORTS]
Norman Osborn: Those booty shorts have convinced me! I must experiment on myself!
Emily Osborn: No! Don't!
Norman Osborn: But our life will be better! Let me convince you through song!
[he gets into a PLASTIC BALL that cost FIVE MILLION DOLLARS and becomes the GREEN GOBLIN]
Emily Osborn: I died somehow!!!
J. Jonah Jameson: Reporters, what's going on?
Reporters: We will tell you, but not show you! It's just like Greek drama - boring!
[the TYPING POOL swivels on their ROLLING CHAIRS, though it is 2011 and there ARE NO TYPING POOLS]
Spider-Man: I am the best!
Norman Osborn: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I'll get you, Spider-Man!
[he DOES, and they FIGHT in the SKY and there is a PIANO]
Peter Parker: I'll save you, Mary Jane!
[he DOES, and the Green Goblin DIES]
Geek Chorus: Wait, so now that he's dead, how does our story continue? More villains, I guess?
Girl Geek: Yep, that'll be Act Two!
Arachne: What about me?
Geek Chorus: Oh yeah, you too! Everybody in the pool!!
[there is a VILLAIN FASHION SHOW]
Geek Chorus: Swiss Miss? Who the fuck is that?
Girl Geek: I just made her up!*
Geek Chorus: You can't do that!*
Girl Geek: I JUST DID.* And named her after a hot chocolate, bitchessssssss
[a RASTAFARIAN with a BUCKET DRUM appears]
Rastafarian: [singing] Spider-Man!!!!
Peter Parker: It's taking up too much time to be Spider-Man AND do all my jobs AND be with Mary Jane, who has apparently shot to stardom on Broadway in just one year. I need a nap.
Arachne: Hello, Spider-Man. I'm your dream girl. Like, I am literally in your dream. Turn off the dark.
Peter Parker: What does that mean?!
[they MAKE OUT in the SKY]
Mary Jane: I can't do this anymore, Peter!
Peter Parker: No, wait!
[he THROWS OUT his SPIDEY SUIT]
Arachne: I made that for you!!!!!
[she sings about how she is PISSED, maybe? there are SPIDER LADIES that are pretty cool]
Peter Parker: Ah, not being Spider-Man is the best!
Green Goblin: I'm back!!
Peter Parker: But I killed you!
Green Goblin: No you didn't! Look, all the villains are alive again!
[they go on a RAMPAGE that is largely VIDEO-BASED]
Peter Parker: Marry me, MJ!
Mary Jane: Um, what, okay?
Arachne: Oh hellllllllll no! What does she have that I don't have? Two legs and a pair of shoes?* BRING ME ALL THE SHOES
[they LITERALLY do a number about SHOES]
Sexy Spider Ladies with Eight Legs: A freak like me needs company!* Ladies be lovin' shoes!! LOL
Peter Parker: Okay, I am going to be Spider-Man again somehow. But I lost my powers! But I will still defeat the villains!
[he DOES, inexplicably]
Peter Parker: How did that all happen?
Arachne: It was ILLUSIONS!!!!
Peter Parker: So...all of Act Two was a dream? Fuck you, Arachne.
Arachne: Haha! I have Mary Jane! Now you must marry me or I will kill her!
Peter Parker: Don't kill her! I love her! I will be yours if you just let her go!
Arachne: Wait, I just decided just now that you can never truly be mine, since you love her, though I already knew that you loved her. So I will let you both go! But please kill me!
Peter Parker: I can't kill you!! I am too moral!
Arachne: Somehow your refusal to kill me broke a curse I had on me! Now I can die in peace. If you're a woman, you should either be married or dead. Goodbyeeeee!!
[she ASCENDS on a NOOSE]
Mary Jane: Hooray! Now you can be Spider-Man again!
Peter Parker: Yes, that solved everything, apparently!!!
[they KISS UPSIDE-DOWN like in the MOVIE]
Geek Chorus: Did you guys forget about us? Good, because we are not coming back to wrap this up! BURN

The Adjustment Bureau

[it is NEW YORK]
Matt Damon: Hello! I am handsome and also down-to-earth because I'm from Brooklyn and an orphan! I was the youngest congressman ever, and now I want to be your senator! Too bad I mooned my buddy at my college reunion...that's gonna hurt my chances.
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Dude, we'll get through this.
John Slattery: Take care of this, generically handsome black dude.
Anthony Mackie: I have a name! I was in The Hurt Locker and I also once played Tupac! But yes, I am definitely handsome. And I'm on this.
[they DO NOT take care of it, and Matt Damon LOSES the election]
Matt Damon: Aw man. I'm just gonna go rehearse my concession speech in the men's room.
Emily Blunt: Um, hi, hello, I'm in here, being super-pretty. And hiding from security.
Matt Damon: Uh...okay?
Emily Blunt: You're running for Senate, right? I liked when you mooned your friend. It made you seem like a person instead of a politician.
[they CONNECT and KISS and then she RUNS AWAY, literally, because SECURITY is after her]
Matt Damon: You know what? That pretty, possibly criminal lady in the men's room was right. I'm going to be EVEN MORE down-to-earth.
[he gives THE BEST SPEECH wherein he talks about FOCUS GROUPS for TIES and SHOES]
New York: Oh man, you are the best! We will vote for you another time!! But for now, you have to go have a job.
John Slattery: Okay, listen, Anthony Mackie. You have to make sure he spills his coffee on himself in Gramercy Park, or the plan is going to be messed up.
Anthony Mackie: I will do it!
[he FALLS ASLEEP, probably due to SHAKE SHACK FUMES, and Matt Damon makes the BUS]
Matt Damon: Oh, hello, same pretty lady from the bathroom. You are still really pretty and also I like you a lot.
Emily Blunt: Let's flirt in a charming way!
[they REALLY DO and it is CUTE and she gives him her NUMBER HAYYYYY]
Me: OH MY GOD they are on the M6 and it literally just drove by the movie theater we are in right now!!!! I AM IN NEW YORK AND SO IS THIS MOVIE
John Slattery: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit he was not supposed to get her number!!!
Anthony Mackie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt
[they FREEZE TIME in Matt Damon's OFFICE so they can make ADJUSTMENTS]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone, I'm -- bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!
[he is KIDNAPPED into a BIG WAREHOUSE]
Matt Damon: What's going on here? I demand answers! I am important and handsome!!
John Slattery: Ah, but you forget: we are also very handsome.
Anthony Mackie: And we have dapper hats on.
Matt Damon: I don't care how many fedoras you have, I want the truth!!
John Slattery: You're a smart guy, I guess we can level with you. So...basically we are sort of like angels or something? We work for The Chairman, who might be God maybe? Anyway, we have these plans for every human, which are contained in Moleskine notebooks, and we need to keep your plan on track. You were not supposed to see that pretty lady again.
Matt Damon: But I love her, I think? Though I just met her?
John Slattery: NOPE. Not in the plan. And also you can't tell anyone about us or we'll reset you and everyone will think you're crazy. Move on with your life.
Matt Damon: I will never forget her. Never!!
[THREE YEARS pass]
Matt Damon: OMGGGG it's the pretty lady from three years ago!! Stop the bus!!
Emily Blunt: Um...so why didn't you call me?
Matt Damon: I lost your number! I swear! I've been taking the M6 every day for three years hoping to see you again!! Just come on a walk with me and have a chat.
[they take a "WALK" that starts in Union Square, then goes to the WEST VILLAGE, then apparently ends in CENTRAL PARK, which, hello, LOOK AT A MAP]
John Slattery: Dammit, Anthony Mackie! You are really bad at this job!
Anthony Mackie: This isn't my fault! He just ran into her. But now we have to make sure they don't kiss, or they will be difficult to separate, because life is very similar to fairy tales in that the kiss of true love is a thing that happens.
[they make MORE ADJUSTMENTS so that the kiss DOES NOT HAPPEN]
Emily Blunt: I'll see you at my dance studio, Cedar Lake!
Matt Damon: This time, I'm not going to lose her.
John Slattery: Oh yes you are!!!
[they try to THWART him for like EVER using their ADJUSTMENT POWERS, including fucking up his PHONE, fucking up ALL THE PHONES in a 3-block radius, and CRASHING a TAXI]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone in this restaurant? Has anyone been to a dance show at someplace called Cedar Lake?
Conveniently Placed Restaurant Patron: Why yes, crazy person! It's on 26th and 10th!
Matt Damon: Ha ha, angel guys! I win!!
[he FINDS the studio]
Anthony Mackie: Maybe they won't fall in love!
John Slattery: It's too late. He's already seen her dance.*
[they go back to the ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and do some RESEARCH in a bunch of FILE CABINETS]
John Slattery: Oh hey wait, this actually isn't your fault, Anthony Mackie. They ARE supposed to be together...or were, in many earlier versions of the plan. But not in the current version.
Anthony Mackie: I TOLD YOU. Wait...maybe the plan isn't always right.
[RECORD PLAYER SCRATCH]
John Slattery: No way. The plan is right. Let's call in the big guns.
Terence Stamp: I believe that would be me. After all...I'm British.
Matt Damon: British or not, you can't keep me from her! I SAW HER DANCE. Also we boned and that was pretty great too.
Terence Stamp: You do what you like. But know this: you could be president. And she could be a famous dancer. But not if you stay with her.
Matt Damon: Fuck you, man!!
[he RUNS to her DANCE STUDIO because no one ever accomplished ANYTHING except via RUNNING]
Terence Stamp: Just remember: we have all the power. We can go through doors as long as we are wearing our magic dapper hats. And we can do things like this.
[he uses his ADJUSTMENT MAGIC to sprain her ANKLE]
Emily Blunt: My livelihood!!!
Terence Stamp: Make your choice.
Matt Damon: I think deserting her at the hospital is better than ruining both of our dreams in the long run. I'll just go and not explain why.
[ELEVEN MONTHS later]
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Uh, so, that pretty girl you were obsessed with? She's getting married.
Matt Damon: Shit! But I'm so far ahead in the polls! I'm on track to become Senator! And all I can think of is her.
Anthony Mackie: I can help you get back to her. Meet me on an island, since water makes it difficult for the adjustment angels to track your decisions for some reason. This also means that this plan will work best if it involves you running in the rain.
Matt Damon: And if I had one of your magic hats, I could move across the city quickly like you do!
Anthony Mackie: Yes! But only turn the doorknobs clockwise. Counter-clockwise is only for us.
Chekhov: I am gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissssssed if he does not eventually turn a doorknob counter-clockwise.
[Matt Damon RACES through the DOORS of the CITY to all different PLACES in the RAIN and ends up at the COURTHOUSE, where she is about to GET MARRIED]
Matt Damon: Don't marry him! You love me, not him!!
Emily Blunt: What the fuuuuuuck, dude! You desert me in a hospital with a sprain and then I never hear from you again? Why should I trust you!?!
Matt Damon: Well...we were meant for each other? Also I do have this dapper hat.
Emily Blunt: Okay, let's go!
[they RUN AROUND for a LONG TIME through many DOOR PORTALS and then are STUCK on Liberty Island]
Matt Damon: Hey Chekhov? I got you, buddy.
[he turns the doorknob COUNTER-CLOCKWISE]
Chekhov: Yeah!!!
[they RUN some more and end up on a ROOFTOP]
Both: Oh noooooo! Trapped! But we're together, so it's ok.
Terence Stamp: You fools! My Britishness has foiled you!!
Anthony Mackie: Wait! They're not fools! I have an order from The Chairman.
Matt Damon: Are...are you The Chairman?*
Entire Audience: LOL
Anthony Mackie: Haha, no, I am too fine to be The Chairman. But I've met him, and he gave me this message for you that he erased your plans! Now you get to do whatever you want!! I'm not super-sure how that works, since if every other human DOES have a plan and you don't, your involvement in their plans would necessarily be pre-determined...you know what? Never mind. Just live your lives and love each other.
Matt Damon and Emily Blunt: Okay!!
[they KISS, because although this SEEMS like an ACTION MOVIE, it is actually kind of a SAPPY ROMANCE]

How Do You Know

Yes, I have loved Paul Rudd for about 15 years now. Yes, Reese Witherspoon is charming and likable and I actually liked Legally Blonde. Yes, Owen Wilson has his moments. And yes, he's Jack Nicholson.

However: this movie is so, so, so much less than the sum of its parts. But my best friend is leaving for Kenya today, and she wanted to see it, and I wasn't opposed (well, I kind of was, but Paul Rudd) so we went to the luxury cinema where you get free popcorn. Big ups to iPic at Bayshore Mall!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reese Witherspoon: I love softball! I love it more than anything and I am really good at it! But I’m not good…AT LOVE.

Paul Rudd: Hey – I got your phone number from your friend? Because you are bad at dating, maybe? But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh…okay? I’m going to go out on a date with and possibly have a relationship with Owen Wilson, famously roguish pitcher.

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[they DATE but don’t actually seem to LIKE each other that much]

Cousin Larry: Oh, hey, Paul Rudd…you are being investigated by the federal government for lying about business.

Paul Rudd: What!?!?! What the FUCK kind of subplot is this?!

Jack Nicholson: I’m your father slash boss, and this is terrible. I am in this movie for some reason.

[there is a LONG-ASS SCENE about INDICTMENTS and LAW and it is LITERALLY a lesson in how NOT to write a MOVIE SCENE]

Kathryn Hahn: I am also in this movie! And I want to punch Jack Nicholson, and I almost did just now, because assistants routinely take swings at CEOs.

Paul Rudd: It’s ok. You’re pregnant. That might come up later.

Paul Rudd’s Girlfriend: So…I think we should break up, because I don’t want to be involved with you because of your federal investigation. Byeeeeeee.

Paul Rudd: What to do? I guess I will get drunk and sing a Teddy Pendergrass song about hot oils.

[he DOES, and it is ALMOST cute enough to make the rest of the movie WORTH IT, but not actually]

Paul Rudd: Hi, let’s go on a date now.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh, okay? I thought you had a girlfriend? I am just continually sort of confused in this movie?

[she gets CUT from the SOFTBALL TEAM, which is her LIFE]

Reese Witherspoon: I will stare at my mirror full of inspirational sayings and I will GET PAST THIS. Because I am STRONG. YES. Then I will go on this date.

[they DO, and do not TALK, but GAZE a lot, and Rudd is INTO IT, but Reese is NOT]

Owen Wilson: I think we should move in together, though up to this point everyone probably thought we were just fuckbuddies? Because I am a cad.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay! But I will just bring like 4 suitcases and not actually move out of my apartment, I think.

[he cleans out a SOCK DRAWER for her which proves he is NOT READY for cohabitation]

Reese Witherspoon: Let’s make this work, though clearly it is not working slash will never work!

Paul Rudd: Hey! I’m still being investigated by the feds. And I might love Reese Witherspoon? After one date? Because that is a thing that happens.

[he RUNS INTO HER in the ELEVATOR in the BUILDING that both his DAD and her BOYFRIEND live because COINCIDENCES]

Paul Rudd: OH MY GOD, HI.

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, hey. Am I still in a movie? I feel like I just wandered on set and was given lines to say. Want to come in?

[he DOES, and Owen Wilson gets JEALOUS, and Reese MOVES OUT]

Reese Witherspoon: Let me hang out at your place, platonically.

Paul Rudd: YES OKAY PLEASE.

[they get DRUNK and he GAZES at her a lot, which is a sign of LOVING]

Paul Rudd: I touched your leg.*

Me: [genuine laughter]

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, I am going back to my boyfriend now, sorry!

Paul Rudd: Of all the thoughts I had about you over the past few days, and there were millions, the one that never occurred to me was that my mind would be exaggerating about you. And it wasn’t.*

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

Jack Nicholson: Federal investigation! Still happening! I could go to jail. Or you could go to jail for me! Please decide.

Paul Rudd: GIVE ME A SECOND.

Owen Wilson: Come back to me, baby.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. But: are we monogamous? Because we haven’t had that conversation, apparently, though we are living together.

Owen Wilson: Sure, baby, yeah…we are now! Bye!!! I’m going on the road! I will probably not cheat on you!

Reese Witherspoon: I’m moving out again!

Paul Rudd: With all these hijinks, you would think this movie would be more hilarious, but it really isn’t. Sorry. At least I’m dreamy.

Reese Witherspoon: Can I come hang out with you again? Platonically? Even though I know you’re in love with me?

Paul Rudd: Yes, of course! I’m just waiting to see if my friend has her baby.

[the phone RINGS]

Paul Rudd: Oh, she had it, just now. Let’s go to the hospital!

[they DO, and film the BABYDADDY proposing, but then the CAMERA isn’t ON, and they RE-DO it, and it is apparently HILARIOUS, but really just terrible and boring and awful]

Kathryn Hahn: My life is fine now because I have a baby and a fiancé!

Reese Witherspoon: I don’t think I want those things, but I don’t know! Oh, epiphanies!! Oh, and my birthday was tonight. Tomorrow, my boyfriend or whatever he is is throwing me a party.

Paul Rudd: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let me come to your party. Then I will declare my love for you and decide if I want to go to jail for my dad. If you love me, NO JAIL.

[there is a FANCY PARTY full of LITERAL BALLERS]

Owen Wilson: I got you this diamond watch that proves I will spend a lot of money on you. Also, I didn’t let you take your time unwrapping it, which also proves I am wrong for you.

Paul Rudd: I got you this Play-Doh and the story of how Play-Doh was invented, and how with one small adjustment, your life could be perfect. Also I let you unwrap the present at your own pace.

Reese Witherspoon: Of course! These metaphorical differences between the two men who are pursuing me prove everything! I love Paul Rudd.

[she follows him to the BUS STOP and they KISS because they are PERFECT for each other because SURE SOULMATES RIGHT FINE]

Jack Nicholson: I’m going to prison for fraud LOL

The Town

[it is BOSTON, DUH]
Bank Employees: La, la, la, working at the bank is so fun and ---AAAAAAA!!
[some ZOMBIE MONKEYS - well, guys in zombie monkey MASKS - come in and ROB the place]
Zombie Monkey: Awl right, down awn the fluah! You theah! Open this safe!
Rebecca Hall: I'm trying, but your accents are so thick! Waaaahhh!
[they KICK Victor Garber in the FACE and PISTOL-WHIP him]
Victor Garber: I'm just glad I'm working!!
Zombie Monkey: We ahhh takin you hawstage, bank lady! Get in the van! And shut up!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. Though we are bank robbers??
Zombie Monkey Jeremy Renner: What the fuck? Of cawse we'll hurt her if we hafta. I might fly off the handle at any moment!!
Zombie Monkey Ben Affleck: Give me a second, Renner, I'm trying to establish my character as being sympathetic!!
[they DO NOT, in fact, HURT her, but let her go at the BEACH]
[meanwhile, at the FBI]
Jon Hamm: Someone! Anyone! Do something about my hair! It's very Draper-y at the moment. Also, get me some leads on these bank robbers. They're very good.
Cable Guy: Someone messed with the cables here. He must work for the cable company.
Jon Hamm: That's a good lead, and I am very handsome!
[meanwhile, in a TOWNIE BAR]
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonian gibberish]
Ben Affleck: I'm nawt in yah life no mawwwwwhhhh!
[they FUCK anyway]
Jeremy Renner: We gawta take cayuh of this fuckin toonie bank employee. I can't control my rage!!
Ben Affleck: Don't worry. I gawt this. Lemme just get my Bruins jersey and put it awn, because wheah ahhhh we? BAWSTON.
[he STALKS her, and then BEFRIENDS her at the LAUNDROMAT, because that's a GREAT PLAN]
Rebecca Hall: I was a hostage in a bank robbery the other day. I thought I should tell you, since we're on a date, and I feel really comfortable with you? I guess? Also, here's more information than you need about what I know about the bank robbery, which I'm sure you're not involved in, because that would be bizarre.
[they go to a COMMUNITY GARDEN, since she is apparently some sort of SAINT]
Ben Affleck: I gawta go, I gawta jawb to do.
[they rob AN ARMORED CAR in fucking BROAD DAYLIGHT and there is a MILDLY EXCITING car chase]
Jon Hamm: Goddamnit! We know who they all are, why can't we catch them?! I am handsome enough to catch anyone!!
[meanwhile, in CHARLESTOWN, which is in BOSTON, we are in BOSTON, look, there is the Bunker Hill Monument AGAIN]
Jeremy Renner: You bangin' that fuckin toonie hawstage we took? What the fuck!?!
Ben Affleck: I'm leavin' this whole fuckin town in my REAHVIEW.* I ain't doin' this no mawhhhh!
[he punches something with EMOTION]
Jeremy Renner: Yeah, well, remembah how my parents took you in when your fathah went away? That's exposition, bitch!
Ben Affleck: We're, like, two-thirds of the way through the movie. That would have been helpful earlier.
[meanwhile, at his GIRLFRIEND/HOSTAGE'S house]
Jon Hamm: btw, your boyfriend is a bank robber. He took you hostage. SORRY.
Rebecca Hall: What the fuuuuuuuuck?!
Ben Affleck: Listen, let me talk to you!
Rebecca Hall: Well...I COULD call the police, since you're a lying sack of shit and a possibly violent criminal...but I liked that time when we had sex. So, go ahead and talk.
Ben Affleck: I'm not a bad guy! Seriously! Run away with me!
Rebecca Hall: You really are terrible at life, aren't you?
[meanwhile, at the FLORIST'S]
Pete Postlethwaite: I'm a terrifying Irish florist who controls all you do. Oh, also, your mom didn't leave your dad, she killed herself. BURN!! Now, go rob another bank or I'll kill your girlfriend.
Ben Affleck: Well, if weahhh gawna do a last jawb, it bettah be a good one. Weahh hittin fuckin FENWAY PAAAAHHHHHHKKK.
[they devise a PLAN that involves MANY OUTFITS and MILLIONS of DOLLARS]
Jon Hamm: So, you like heroin?
Serena van der Woodsen: [unintelligible Bostonion heroin addict mumbo-jumbo]
Jon Hamm: Thanks, tits. TO FENWAY!
[they SURROUND the park and there is a SHOOTOUT and EVERYONE DIES except Affleck]
Ben Affleck: My gentle nature has allowed me to live!
Rebecca Hall [on phone]: I want to see you! There are no cops here!!
[there are like A BILLION cops]
Ben Affleck: Really?
Rebecca Hall: No, not really, here is some code only you will understand, so you can escape, because I love you? Even though our entire relationship was a lie? I think I was hypnotized by your manly chest and many tattoos.
[he BURIES a bunch of CASH in the COMMUNITY GARDEN where ONLY SHE will find it and then she uses it for an ICE RINK]
Rebecca Hall: I wonder if the ice rink people will wonder where I got all this cash? Oh well!

Updated to add: this is amazing.