1.21.2009

Sight Unseen: My Bloody Valentine 3D

[it is a SMALL MINING TOWN]
Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh no! I'm too inexperienced a miner to be working down here! Sorry!!
[five guys DIE as a result of his INEPTITUDE and one guy goes into a COMA]
Coma Guy: It's Valentine's Day. I'm awake. And I want REVENGE.
[he KILLS a bunch of people with a PICKAXE because he is a MINER, but not the ONE GUY he SHOULD have killed]
Days of Our Lives Guy: Oh well. I guess I'll move away from here to escape my unresolved issues about the mine.
[TEN YEARS later]
Days of Our Lives Guy: Hey. I'm back.
Jaime King: Oh. Hey. Do you still have feelings for me, your ex-girlfriend, though I am married to your best friend now?
Days of Our Lives Guy: You got me. I do.
The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: Suck on that! I married your girl!
[people start getting MURDERED...in 3D]
Days of Our Lives Guy: Uh oh. These murders are suspiciously like the ones that happened ten years ago, after I caused that mine accident. Perhaps...perhaps they're related somehow!
[something SCARY and/or 3D occurs]
A Black Character: Oh god! I'm killed!
Days of Our Lives Guy: We need to stop this maniac.
[they REALIZE that the MANIAC is his BEST FRIEND, whose FATHER was killed in the EARLIER MASSACRE]
The Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek: That's right! It was me all along! I hold you responsible for my father's death, however indirectly you may have caused it! Now DIE!
[they have an EPIC BATTLE and hopefully a 3D MINE CART CHASE that ends with the GOOD GUYS alive and the BAD GUY dead]
Days of Our Lives Guy: Now I can be with you.
Jaime King: Yes! And we won't have any weird relationship issues at all.
[they MAKE OUT...in 3D]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

3D MINE CART RACE
3D MAKE OUT
BEST MOVIE EVERRRR

Anonymous said...

WAIT A MINUTE...you posted the wrong killer! Days of Our Lives Guy was the killer and it was totally awkward! So now Jaime King has to stay with Gay Dude from Dawson's Creek even though she really wanted to be back with Days of Our Lives guy...and no one makes out :(

Movie Maven said...

Yes! Thank you, Anonymous, for telling us the actual outcome. As this is a "Sight Unseen" post, I did not, in fact, see this film. I'm sad that I got it wrong.