Oscar Watch '09: Revolutionary Road
[it is the 1940s]
Kate Winslet: Hi. I want to be an actress. You seem interesting and vivacious.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I guess I am. Let's dance.
[like TEN YEARS pass]
Kate Winslet: So now we live in the suburbs and I do bad community theater.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Don't listen to any of those idiots who say you're bad. You're better than them.
Kate Winslet: I don't want to talk about this right now in the car. Let's just repress our feelings. That's what people in the suburbs do, right?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's talk! Please!
[he PULLS OVER and they have a HUGE FIGHT on the side of ROUTE TWELVE]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Well, I'm off to my soul-sucking job in the city, filled with nubile secretaries.
[he BANGS one of the NUBILE SECRETARIES]
Kathy Bates: Suburbs! I brought you a plant! I'm nice! Oh, AND...would you be willing to meet my crazy son?
Kate Winslet: Of course. Thanks for asking, and for having some stilted, Oscar-worthy conversation over coffee.
[she has a FLASHBACK to HAPPIER TIMES, when she was MORE BOHEMIAN]
Kate Winslet: I just had the best idea! Let's move to Paris.
Leonardo DiCaprio: But that's so...impetuous! And does not fit with our suburban life.
Kate Winslet: That's why it's great! I mean, look at us. Give me an Oscar...I mean...a chance...to explain my Paris plan to you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let's do it. And I mean "let's move to Paris" but also "Let's fuck against the kitchen counter in a totally hot way."
[they BONE and it's ALMOST as hot as THIS]
Kathryn Hahn: Come over for dinner! We're your best friends! Your neighbors! Let's hang!
[her husband OGLES Kate Winslet in the MOST OBVIOUS MANNER EVER]
Kate Winslet: So...we're moving to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn and her Husband: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!
[she has a PRIVATE BREAKDOWN, because that is what you DO in the SUBURBS]
Leonardo DiCaprio: I'm moving to Paris!
His Work Buddies: Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?
His Boss: But we're giving you a promotion, based solely on this piece of bullshit work you did earlier.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Allow me to display the conflict in my soul...with my eyes.
Kathy Bates: Hello! Hellooooooo! We're here with our crazy son!
Michael Shannon: I am the crazy son. Allow me to act circles around you by being subtly creepy and awesome.
Kate Winslet: DO NOT DISTRACT THE AUDIENCE FROM MY OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE, SHANNON.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Let him talk. He is the only one who understands our ennui. And he is clinically insane.
Kate Winslet: If wanting to get out of this town is crazy, I don't want to be sane.*
[they start PACKING]
Kate Winslet: Shit. I'm pregnant.
Leonardo DiCaprio: That's fine, actually, since I haven't actually quit my job yet, since I'm a spineless, personality-free kind of dude. We have a couple weeks to decide if we want to abort it, though, right?
[they have YET ANOTHER FIGHT]
Everyone: Well, it's probably best you don't move to Paris.
Kathryn Hahn: We'll go out for a night on the town! And I'll get sick! And leave my husband alone with our hot neighbor who he is obviously attracted to!
Kate Winslet: And then we'll fuck in the car...the OS-car!!
Kathryn Hahn's Husband: Dude, Kate, we get it. Let's fuck.
[they BONE and it is AWKWARD but still HOT]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is this an abortion tube?
Kate Winslet: Yes. I was going to abort our child. The first was one basically a mistake.
[they have ANOTHER FIGHT with lots of SHOUTING, which is apparently the same as ACTING]
Kathy Bates: We're here again!
Michael Shannon: I have no societal restrictions on asking you two tough questions to bring up the issues you're having.
[he RILES them and Leo goes BONKERS]
Kathy Bates: Oh my! My repressed suburban nature! It is breached!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I wish you had gotten rid of that fetus when you had the chance!!
Kate Winslet: I'm going out to the woods. Don't follow me. I hate you.
Leonardo DiCaprio: No you don't. Don't leave!
[she is in the woods for a LONG TIME but FINALLY comes back and looks STRICKEN]
Kate Winslet: Good morning. I have prepared a fine, fine breakfast for you with fresh-squeezed orange juice and polite, civil conversation.
Leonardo DiCaprio: So you don't hate me?
Kate Winslet: No. No, I don't. I'm only acting all weird like this because I know I will never see you again.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh. I sensed that, via your acting.
[she attemps a HOME ABORTION and it FAILS and she DIES]
Kathryn Hahn: Oh, yes. They were lovely people. But so troubled.
Kathy Bates: My repressed suburban nature is unshakable! UNSHAKABLE!
[her HUSBAND turns down his HEARING AID to drown out the DRONE]