Oscar Watch '09: Slumdog Millionaire

[it is INDIA]
Police Lieutenant: TELL US HOW YOU CHEATED!!!
Jamal: Dude! I didn't cheat!
[they DUNK his head in a BUCKET of WATER]
Police Lieutenant: But you are just the guy who gets chai for the employees of a phone company! You grew up in the slums! How could you possibly know all those answers?!?!
Host of WWTBAM: Who is the star of this 1973 film?
Jamal: [smiles to HIMSELF as he REMEMBERS running through the SLUMS, which are ALIVE with COLOR]
Youngest Jamal: It's Amitabh Bachchan! It's his helicopter! He's my favorite movie star! I have to meet him!
[his brother, Selim, LOCKS him in the OUTHOUSE and he has to JUMP in the SHIT to get out]
Youngest Jamal: Though I am covered in shit, Amitabh Bachchan, I need your autograph.
[his brother SELLS the autograph so you know he's kind of a DICK]
Jamal: And that's how I knew that one.
Host of WWTBAM: Okay, religion. Uh oh! And since you're Muslim, and this question is about Rama...well, we'll see what happens.
[Jamal has ANOTHER FLASHBACK in which his MOM gets KILLED because of GOD and it is TERRIBLE]
Jamal: I wish I didn't know this about Rama, but I do.
Police Lieutenant: I am starting to believe you. But please, keep telling your vibrant and interesting tale.
Youngest Jamal: We can sleep in this trailer thing, since we have no mom. Let's invite that little girl in. She can be the third musketeer!
Youngest Selim: No way, man! We don't even know the other name, we just know Athos and Porthos!
[Jamal invites her in ANYWAY]
Creepy Dude Who Looks Like an Indian Version of Michael C. Hall: Well, hello children. Come with me. I will take you to a lovely place, a la Fagin in Oliver Twist.
[they become BEGGAR-SLAVES for him and have to learn a SONG, the VERY SONG about which the next question on WWTBAM is]
Youngest Jamal: I'm going to learn this song so good! Then Indian Michael C. Hall will like me and I'll be rich!
[his brother sees another kid get BLINDED because BLIND singers make more RUPEES]
Youngest Selim: Dude, we gotta get out of here!
Youngest Jamal: But what about my little girlfriend?
[they TRY to bring her, but she is TOO SLOW and can't get on the TRAIN they are on]
Jamal: So that sucked. But then we started running scams at the Taj Mahal and stealing shoes, so that was okay. Also, this is the point at which we transition from "Youngest" to just "Young," so there will be different, yet perfectly-cast actors portraying both Selim and me.
[they SOMEHOW FIND the GIRL, who is a CONCUBINE or something for Indian Michael C. Hall]
Indian Michael C. Hall: No way! You cannot take her!
Young Selim: My gun says different.
[he KILLS him with his COLT, which is how Jamal knows THAT ANSWER]
Young Jamal: We gotta go! Let's go to an abandoned hotel and hide out!
Young Selim: Not so fast, brother. I will be raping your girlfriend now.
Young Jamal: Shit. Why do I have so many obstacles to overcome?
Police Lieutenant: You sure do! That's why your story is so compelling.
Jamal: So then I got a job at the phone company, and I found my brother by looking him up in the computer, and I called him, and we met up. Turns out that he's working for this gangster...and my girl is married to said gangster! Gross!
[he pretends to be a COOK and gets into the gangster's HOUSE]
The Girl: You need to go! This is dangerous! My aging, sort of gay-seeming gangster husband will totally kill you if you stay. By the way, I like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
Jamal: Meet me at the train station! We can run away together!
The Girl: No.
Jamal: I will wait every day at 5.
[she SHOWS UP but the GANGSTER'S DUDES chase her and TAKE HER AWAY]
Jamal: So then I was like, I have to get on the show.
[he DOES, obviously]
The Host: You're doing well, kid. You know the answer to the next one, right?
Jamal: No, I really don't.
[the host FEEDS him the answer by writing it on the MIRROR in the BATHROOM but he is ETHICAL and picks the OTHER ANSWER and it is RIGHT because CHEATING is WRONG]
The Host: He's a cheat! Arrest him! I fed him the wrong answer and he STILL picked the right one! I will not be outshined by a slumdog!!
Jamal: Which brings us to right now. I have one more question to answer to win the biggest prize. And all I really wanted was to be on TV so my girl would see me and know where I was.
Police Lieutenant: Your story has touched my heart. Go, and Rama be with you. Or Allah, or whatever.
[meanwhile, in the GANGSTER'S HIDEOUT]
Selim: I am a shitty, shitty brother. Perhaps I will redeem myself now.
[he gives the GIRL his PHONE and tells her to GO, even though this means he will be KILLED]
Selim: Now I will fill this bathtub with cash, and wait for them to kill me.
[meanwhile, on TV]
The Host: Who is the third musketeer, other than Athos and Porthos?
Jamal: I'm going to call my third lifeline, my brother.
[they CALL but there is NO ANSWER because the girl left the PHONE in the CAR because there was a TRAFFIC JAM because EVERYONE in the WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY is watching the SHOW and for a second you're like OH SHIT but she RUNS and GETS it]
Jamal: Hi.
The Girl: Hi. I don't know the answer. I never did. See you soon.
Jamal: Well, I'll guess Aramis.
[everyone goes APESHIT]
Jamal: Hi. I knew you'd be at the train station, because people in movies always know where to find someone.
The Girl: Yep. Let's kiss and then do a huge dance production number.
[they DO]


Lauren Oostveen said...

The dance sequence made me the happiest girl in the world!

leigh said...

this is a hilarious condensed version!

Movie Maven said...

Lauren: I know, right!?! I was incapacitated with weeping and then the dancing happened. So great. Another good movie with a credit sequence dance number is The Impostors!

Lauren Oostveen said...

Ha, yes! I had just finished telling my boyfiend, "BEST ENDING EVER!" and had turned to put on my coat when he grabbed my arm and yelled "LAUREN! LOOK!" and there was DANCING. Bliss.

PS---I watched "The Pick Up Artist" with much glee... RDJ is great in it (and does a lot of running), and I liked it a lot despite M. Ringwald being at her most snooty.

Lauren K. said...

possibly my fave review you've done. How did you brilliantly weave in EVERYTHING IN THAT FING MOVIE EVEN THOUGH SO MUCH HAPPENS! Omg, this movie was so good. And yes, the "youngest" kids dancing in the end melts my heart.

BeckEye said...

This is officially the movie I will refuse to see for at least a couple of years when people finally stop talking about it.

Of course, I said that about Donnie Darko and Napoleon Dynamite too and I have yet to see those.

John A said...

This is one of those flicks just aching for condensing. You done did good, m'lady.

And also, that was the best dance sequence ever featured in a Danny Boyle film.

Anonymous said...

All Indian movies have dance sequences and stuff. Well, I didn't think it was that good - just the dance sequence, I mean. Been brought up on hindi (Indian) movies all these years, you see.

There were some really sad bloopers in the movie too - they don't have The Three Musketeers in the syllabus for any board, let alone the government run schools that basically have teachers that don't know how to spell 'grammar'.

Guess I'm being overly critical. Oh well.

Nice post, though! I just found this blog, and I'ma stay up all night reading this! *Awesomeness!*