Phantom Thread

 

Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you. 

***

[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]

Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star. 

[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]

His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore. 

His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?

DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.

[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]

DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me. 

[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE] 

DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.

[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]

DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*

[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]

DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.

[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]

DDL: You have no breasts.*

Alma: :(

DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*

Alma: :)

[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]

Alma: Good morning! La la la!

[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]

DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!

His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship. 

Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*

[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]

Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.

DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.

Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?

His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]

[it is the FATEFUL dinner]

DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!

Alma: I just want to love you!

[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]

Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.

[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]

Alma: I will care for you!

DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!

[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]

His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?

DDL: Get the fuck out.*

Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!

[it is the NEXT morning]

DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!

Alma: I did it!

[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]

DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!

Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison. 

[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]

DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing. 

[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]

DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.

Alma: I love you too. This is what love is. 

DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.* 

[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]

*actual line from movie

The Intern

So I think this movie’s heart was in the right place and there’s a very appealing sweetness to it. I just…I don’t know WHY this movie exists. What does it want from us? It’s like some dude in an undergrad discussion section that natters on and on about a subject that is potentially interesting, but then finishes talking without making a single point and the TA is silent for a few seconds and just like “…ok, thanks for that.” And the dude is attempting to think in a feminist way but he just can’t quiiiite get there. It’s nobody’s fault and everyone is trying their best. That’s actually a killer title for a Nancy Meyers movie. Someone call Diane! 

***

[it is a SANITIZED WORLD where EVERYONE is PLEASANT]

Robert De Niro [in V.O.]: I am an old man. But I’m spry! I retired a few years ago and then my wife died and I feel adrift, but not in a depressing way. I wonder what could give my life meaning again.
[there is a MONTAGE of him DOING TAI CHI and GOING to FUNERALS and CHILLING at Starbucks]
Robert De Niro: Why, it’s a job posting for a seniors internship program, which makes perfect sense, since high-performing tech start-ups in 2015 are always posting fliers on community bulletin boards. 
[he carefully SELECTS a TIE and is HIRED due to his CAN-DO spirit and EXPERIENCE as a phone book EXECUTIVE]
Andrew Rannells: Welcome to our fashion tech company in the world’s most artful Brooklyn loft. We’ve only been open for 18 months but somehow have the footprint and staff of a company that’s been operating for a decade! Don’t overthink it.
[De Niro MEETS his SCRUFFY intern COMPATRIOTS who are AWED by his SUITS and BRIEFCASE]
Andrew Rannells: I’ve assigned you to our founder and HBIC, Anne Hathaway. That’s her, on the quirky office bike!
[we SEE her being CAPABLE and RULING the OFFICE with KINDNESS and ATTENTION to DETAIL] 
Anne Hathaway: I’m so busy and stressed, and even though my outfits are on point and I appear to be endlessly patient, I don’t have time for this intern!
Robert De Niro: Reporting for duty, ma’am!
Anne Hathaway: I’m good, thanks. 

Robert De Niro: Okey dokey! 
[he READS the PAPER and DOLES out LOVE ADVICE to the NERDS and is GENERALLY AGREEABLE, as is his WONT]
Renee Russo: I’m the office masseuse and see that you’re a little tight in the hips, you silver fox.
[she RUBS him DOWN in a OVERLY FAMILIAR way and he POPS a BONE, which was a SURPRISE for us ALL]
The Scruffy Interns: Hooray!
[De Niro RESCUES Anne Hathaway from her DRUNKEN town car DRIVER and DRIVES her around, PROVIDING WISDOM like Kevin DID for Bethenny on RHONY]
Anne Hathaway: Thanks for dropping me off. Don’t you love my house? It looks like a picture book because this is a Nancy Meyers movie. 
[De Niro MEETS her ADORABLE CHILD and USELESS, neck-bearded HUSBAND]
Anne Hathaway: It's so hard being a working mom. I'm trying to #leanin but you all seem disappointed in me. 
Useless Neckbeard: I’m attempting to be supportive, but am really doing the “death by a thousand cuts” routine. Remember how I gave up my career so you could chase your dreams?
Anne Hathaway: I’m just so BUSY! They want me to hire a CEO for the company, but I think I can do it all myself!
[she and De Niro BOND over LATE-NIGHT work pizza and she CREATES a Facebook ACCOUNT for him and they GENERALLY bro out]
Anne Hathaway: I really appreciate your platonic friendship and the fact that you’re not Jack Nicholson, who would have insisted on a rewrite where I bang you. 
Robert De Niro: I’m just here to be your Manic Pixie Dream Grandpa! 
[they LOOK at EACH OTHER with MUTUAL FONDNESS and ADMIRATION]
Anne Hathaway: Oh no! I’ve accidentally sent an email to my mom calling her a fucking bitch, as one does.
Robert De Niro: The scruffers and I shall retrieve it!
[he and his INTERN BROS GO to her MOM’S house where HIJINKS ENSUE and DELETE the EMAIL]
Anne Hathaway: You’re my favorite employees ever! Let’s get drunk!
[De Niro TAKES her CHILD to SCHOOL and then SEES Ol’ Neckbeard TRYSTING in a CAR in FRONT of his OWN HOME like a GENIUS]
Robert De Niro: [SHAKES HEAD in DISAPPOINTMENT]
Anne Hathaway: I have something shocking to tell you, Robert De Niro - my husband is cheating on me. I think I have to hire a CEO to protect his oh-so-fragile masculinity.  

Robert De Niro: Don't sell yourself short, homie. 
[they go on a BUSINESS TRIP and WATCH Singin’ in the Rain in MATCHING hotel robes and CRY and she RELUCTANTLY hires a CEO]
Anne Hathaway: I've taken all the weep-baths and I still don't know if made the right choice. Bobby D will set me straight!
[Renee Russo ANSWERS his DOOR because there was a ROMANTIC SUBPLOT that was SO UNNECESSARY I didn’t even INCLUDE it]

Robert De Niro: Anne Hathaway, I think you can be your own CEO based on this one time I watched you show warehouse workers how to fold tissue paper. You care so much!

Anne Hathaway: But my MARRIAGE!
[her LOW-STATUS husband SHOWS UP at the OFFICE]
Useless Neckbeard: I cheated on you and it was so wrong but I support your dreams. Please keep bringing in that sweet fashion tech money.
Anne Hathaway: OK, I’m going to fire that CEO and be a badass #girlboss. But where is Robert De Niro, who I now realize is my best friend?
[his DESK is EMPTY and for a SECOND I thought that he had PULLED a FULL Mary Poppins and BLOWN AWAY with the WIND to HELP another rich WHITE woman REALIZE her POTENTIAL]
Anne Hathaway: Oh wait, he’s just here in the park, doing tai chi.
[they do TAI CHI together FOREVERMORE]

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?

***

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK who MARRIED an OLD DUDE when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY floozy]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her dumdum brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved dimwit brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancé is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]

 

Broadway Extra: Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark

I have never done a review of anything but a movie on this site, but this shit cost more than a lot of movies to make, so we're making an exception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is A PLACE]
Geek Chorus: Hi! We're the geek chorus!
Girl Geek: I'm a girl! What!
Geek Chorus: We're here to try and serve the purpose of making this some sort of parallel universe to the already-established Spider-Man universe. Will it work? Probably not! Let's sing about it!
Girl Geek: But what about Arachne?!?!
Geek Chorus: Uhhhhh...I'm not super-sure how that's related but ok.
[ARACHNE is there with AERIALISTS who WEAVE A THING and it is PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY]
Arachne: I want to die because Athena was mean to me!
[she HANGS herself, I guess]
Peter Parker: ...and that's the story of Arachne. She became a spider!
Bullies: Nerd!! You gave a report and are a nerd. Also you are not wearing yellow, nerd!!
Peter Parker: Guys, please don't beat me up! Especially not while dancing!!
[they DO that, and the dance-fighting is FINE but the song is called "Bullying by Numbers" which is NOT A THING/PHRASE]
Mary Jane: Sorry your life sucks. Mine does too! We live in Queens!
[a ONE-MILLION DOLLAR SUBWAY TRAIN MODEL drives by]
Peter Parker: Really?! Can we sing a super-self-pitying song about it? Together, but separately?
[he WALKS on a TREADMILL]
Mary Jane: As long as I can sing real high!
MJ's Dad: I am terrible, but fortunately you'll never see me again!
Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Are we characters? Not really! I guess we don't understand teenagers!
Peter Parker: Oh man my life sucks so hard!! I don't even really have a plan to get out of it. Oh well!
[meanwhile, at a SCIENCE PLACE]
Norman Osborn: Listen up, science team. I've given you all silver coats to look extra-sciencey, and I'm southern for some reason, but don't let that distract you from our real goal: something!
Emily Osborn: Yes! Goals!
Science Lackey: There are some high school students here to tour the lab!
Norman Osborn: Great, that's not unsafe at all! Bring them down here.
[they do a NUMBER about "doing it to yourself" because it's a DIY WORLD]
My Friend Deborah: I think a fair amount of teenage boys are already doing it to themselves.
Emily Osborn: The spider. SHE'S MISSIN'!!!!* WHY ARE WE SOUTHERN?!
Spider: I am a cool puppet and going to bite you!! Hahahahaha!
Peter Parker: Oh no! I feel different!
[he wakes up on the CEILING of his ROOM, which has WALLS that MOVE]
Peter Parker: Oh man, I'm awesome now! I'm bouncing off the walls! Literally!
[he sings a song called "Bouncing Off the Walls" that MAY or MAY NOT have other lyrics]
Geek Chorus: Now he needs a suit!
Girl Geek: Boys can't sew, haha! Gender roles.
[Peter Parker appears in a "HILARIOUSLY" terrible outfit]
Peter Parker: Now I will wrestle this inflatable wrestler and win some money! Yes!!
[he DOES, and it is SORT OF FUNNY]
Announcer: He's going Sunday, Bloody Sunday on his opponent!* U2 LOL
Bully: Oh no! My car is being stolen!
Peter Parker: I ain't care!
Uncle Ben: Oh no! I got run over and am dying! Peter, with great power comes...wait, that's dumb. Rise above! RISE ABOVE!!!
Peter Parker: Rise above what? That doesn't make any sense!
Arachne: Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
[she gives him his SPIDEY SUIT because she is good at WEAVING or something]
Peter Parker: Hooray! Now I will stop bad guys!!
[he DOES, while FLYING using TECHNOLOGY]
Bad Guys: We have big, papier-mache looking heads! Are we incongruous with the rest of the show? Yes! But do we look cool?! Sort of!
[a HUGE HAND of Spider-Man catches a HUGE BABY]
J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? I hate him! For no reason! Get me pictures!!!
Norman Osborn: That guy stole my spider!
The Military: Yes, and you must get to work on your new research!
Norman Osborn: Why?
The Military: We don't know, but here is a song!
[they MARCH while wearing BOOTY SHORTS]
Norman Osborn: Those booty shorts have convinced me! I must experiment on myself!
Emily Osborn: No! Don't!
Norman Osborn: But our life will be better! Let me convince you through song!
[he gets into a PLASTIC BALL that cost FIVE MILLION DOLLARS and becomes the GREEN GOBLIN]
Emily Osborn: I died somehow!!!
J. Jonah Jameson: Reporters, what's going on?
Reporters: We will tell you, but not show you! It's just like Greek drama - boring!
[the TYPING POOL swivels on their ROLLING CHAIRS, though it is 2011 and there ARE NO TYPING POOLS]
Spider-Man: I am the best!
Norman Osborn: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I'll get you, Spider-Man!
[he DOES, and they FIGHT in the SKY and there is a PIANO]
Peter Parker: I'll save you, Mary Jane!
[he DOES, and the Green Goblin DIES]
Geek Chorus: Wait, so now that he's dead, how does our story continue? More villains, I guess?
Girl Geek: Yep, that'll be Act Two!
Arachne: What about me?
Geek Chorus: Oh yeah, you too! Everybody in the pool!!
[there is a VILLAIN FASHION SHOW]
Geek Chorus: Swiss Miss? Who the fuck is that?
Girl Geek: I just made her up!*
Geek Chorus: You can't do that!*
Girl Geek: I JUST DID.* And named her after a hot chocolate, bitchessssssss
[a RASTAFARIAN with a BUCKET DRUM appears]
Rastafarian: [singing] Spider-Man!!!!
Peter Parker: It's taking up too much time to be Spider-Man AND do all my jobs AND be with Mary Jane, who has apparently shot to stardom on Broadway in just one year. I need a nap.
Arachne: Hello, Spider-Man. I'm your dream girl. Like, I am literally in your dream. Turn off the dark.
Peter Parker: What does that mean?!
[they MAKE OUT in the SKY]
Mary Jane: I can't do this anymore, Peter!
Peter Parker: No, wait!
[he THROWS OUT his SPIDEY SUIT]
Arachne: I made that for you!!!!!
[she sings about how she is PISSED, maybe? there are SPIDER LADIES that are pretty cool]
Peter Parker: Ah, not being Spider-Man is the best!
Green Goblin: I'm back!!
Peter Parker: But I killed you!
Green Goblin: No you didn't! Look, all the villains are alive again!
[they go on a RAMPAGE that is largely VIDEO-BASED]
Peter Parker: Marry me, MJ!
Mary Jane: Um, what, okay?
Arachne: Oh hellllllllll no! What does she have that I don't have? Two legs and a pair of shoes?* BRING ME ALL THE SHOES
[they LITERALLY do a number about SHOES]
Sexy Spider Ladies with Eight Legs: A freak like me needs company!* Ladies be lovin' shoes!! LOL
Peter Parker: Okay, I am going to be Spider-Man again somehow. But I lost my powers! But I will still defeat the villains!
[he DOES, inexplicably]
Peter Parker: How did that all happen?
Arachne: It was ILLUSIONS!!!!
Peter Parker: So...all of Act Two was a dream? Fuck you, Arachne.
Arachne: Haha! I have Mary Jane! Now you must marry me or I will kill her!
Peter Parker: Don't kill her! I love her! I will be yours if you just let her go!
Arachne: Wait, I just decided just now that you can never truly be mine, since you love her, though I already knew that you loved her. So I will let you both go! But please kill me!
Peter Parker: I can't kill you!! I am too moral!
Arachne: Somehow your refusal to kill me broke a curse I had on me! Now I can die in peace. If you're a woman, you should either be married or dead. Goodbyeeeee!!
[she ASCENDS on a NOOSE]
Mary Jane: Hooray! Now you can be Spider-Man again!
Peter Parker: Yes, that solved everything, apparently!!!
[they KISS UPSIDE-DOWN like in the MOVIE]
Geek Chorus: Did you guys forget about us? Good, because we are not coming back to wrap this up! BURN

The Adjustment Bureau

[it is NEW YORK]
Matt Damon: Hello! I am handsome and also down-to-earth because I'm from Brooklyn and an orphan! I was the youngest congressman ever, and now I want to be your senator! Too bad I mooned my buddy at my college reunion...that's gonna hurt my chances.
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Dude, we'll get through this.
John Slattery: Take care of this, generically handsome black dude.
Anthony Mackie: I have a name! I was in The Hurt Locker and I also once played Tupac! But yes, I am definitely handsome. And I'm on this.
[they DO NOT take care of it, and Matt Damon LOSES the election]
Matt Damon: Aw man. I'm just gonna go rehearse my concession speech in the men's room.
Emily Blunt: Um, hi, hello, I'm in here, being super-pretty. And hiding from security.
Matt Damon: Uh...okay?
Emily Blunt: You're running for Senate, right? I liked when you mooned your friend. It made you seem like a person instead of a politician.
[they CONNECT and KISS and then she RUNS AWAY, literally, because SECURITY is after her]
Matt Damon: You know what? That pretty, possibly criminal lady in the men's room was right. I'm going to be EVEN MORE down-to-earth.
[he gives THE BEST SPEECH wherein he talks about FOCUS GROUPS for TIES and SHOES]
New York: Oh man, you are the best! We will vote for you another time!! But for now, you have to go have a job.
John Slattery: Okay, listen, Anthony Mackie. You have to make sure he spills his coffee on himself in Gramercy Park, or the plan is going to be messed up.
Anthony Mackie: I will do it!
[he FALLS ASLEEP, probably due to SHAKE SHACK FUMES, and Matt Damon makes the BUS]
Matt Damon: Oh, hello, same pretty lady from the bathroom. You are still really pretty and also I like you a lot.
Emily Blunt: Let's flirt in a charming way!
[they REALLY DO and it is CUTE and she gives him her NUMBER HAYYYYY]
Me: OH MY GOD they are on the M6 and it literally just drove by the movie theater we are in right now!!!! I AM IN NEW YORK AND SO IS THIS MOVIE
John Slattery: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit he was not supposed to get her number!!!
Anthony Mackie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt
[they FREEZE TIME in Matt Damon's OFFICE so they can make ADJUSTMENTS]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone, I'm -- bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!
[he is KIDNAPPED into a BIG WAREHOUSE]
Matt Damon: What's going on here? I demand answers! I am important and handsome!!
John Slattery: Ah, but you forget: we are also very handsome.
Anthony Mackie: And we have dapper hats on.
Matt Damon: I don't care how many fedoras you have, I want the truth!!
John Slattery: You're a smart guy, I guess we can level with you. So...basically we are sort of like angels or something? We work for The Chairman, who might be God maybe? Anyway, we have these plans for every human, which are contained in Moleskine notebooks, and we need to keep your plan on track. You were not supposed to see that pretty lady again.
Matt Damon: But I love her, I think? Though I just met her?
John Slattery: NOPE. Not in the plan. And also you can't tell anyone about us or we'll reset you and everyone will think you're crazy. Move on with your life.
Matt Damon: I will never forget her. Never!!
[THREE YEARS pass]
Matt Damon: OMGGGG it's the pretty lady from three years ago!! Stop the bus!!
Emily Blunt: Um...so why didn't you call me?
Matt Damon: I lost your number! I swear! I've been taking the M6 every day for three years hoping to see you again!! Just come on a walk with me and have a chat.
[they take a "WALK" that starts in Union Square, then goes to the WEST VILLAGE, then apparently ends in CENTRAL PARK, which, hello, LOOK AT A MAP]
John Slattery: Dammit, Anthony Mackie! You are really bad at this job!
Anthony Mackie: This isn't my fault! He just ran into her. But now we have to make sure they don't kiss, or they will be difficult to separate, because life is very similar to fairy tales in that the kiss of true love is a thing that happens.
[they make MORE ADJUSTMENTS so that the kiss DOES NOT HAPPEN]
Emily Blunt: I'll see you at my dance studio, Cedar Lake!
Matt Damon: This time, I'm not going to lose her.
John Slattery: Oh yes you are!!!
[they try to THWART him for like EVER using their ADJUSTMENT POWERS, including fucking up his PHONE, fucking up ALL THE PHONES in a 3-block radius, and CRASHING a TAXI]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone in this restaurant? Has anyone been to a dance show at someplace called Cedar Lake?
Conveniently Placed Restaurant Patron: Why yes, crazy person! It's on 26th and 10th!
Matt Damon: Ha ha, angel guys! I win!!
[he FINDS the studio]
Anthony Mackie: Maybe they won't fall in love!
John Slattery: It's too late. He's already seen her dance.*
[they go back to the ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and do some RESEARCH in a bunch of FILE CABINETS]
John Slattery: Oh hey wait, this actually isn't your fault, Anthony Mackie. They ARE supposed to be together...or were, in many earlier versions of the plan. But not in the current version.
Anthony Mackie: I TOLD YOU. Wait...maybe the plan isn't always right.
[RECORD PLAYER SCRATCH]
John Slattery: No way. The plan is right. Let's call in the big guns.
Terence Stamp: I believe that would be me. After all...I'm British.
Matt Damon: British or not, you can't keep me from her! I SAW HER DANCE. Also we boned and that was pretty great too.
Terence Stamp: You do what you like. But know this: you could be president. And she could be a famous dancer. But not if you stay with her.
Matt Damon: Fuck you, man!!
[he RUNS to her DANCE STUDIO because no one ever accomplished ANYTHING except via RUNNING]
Terence Stamp: Just remember: we have all the power. We can go through doors as long as we are wearing our magic dapper hats. And we can do things like this.
[he uses his ADJUSTMENT MAGIC to sprain her ANKLE]
Emily Blunt: My livelihood!!!
Terence Stamp: Make your choice.
Matt Damon: I think deserting her at the hospital is better than ruining both of our dreams in the long run. I'll just go and not explain why.
[ELEVEN MONTHS later]
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Uh, so, that pretty girl you were obsessed with? She's getting married.
Matt Damon: Shit! But I'm so far ahead in the polls! I'm on track to become Senator! And all I can think of is her.
Anthony Mackie: I can help you get back to her. Meet me on an island, since water makes it difficult for the adjustment angels to track your decisions for some reason. This also means that this plan will work best if it involves you running in the rain.
Matt Damon: And if I had one of your magic hats, I could move across the city quickly like you do!
Anthony Mackie: Yes! But only turn the doorknobs clockwise. Counter-clockwise is only for us.
Chekhov: I am gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissssssed if he does not eventually turn a doorknob counter-clockwise.
[Matt Damon RACES through the DOORS of the CITY to all different PLACES in the RAIN and ends up at the COURTHOUSE, where she is about to GET MARRIED]
Matt Damon: Don't marry him! You love me, not him!!
Emily Blunt: What the fuuuuuuck, dude! You desert me in a hospital with a sprain and then I never hear from you again? Why should I trust you!?!
Matt Damon: Well...we were meant for each other? Also I do have this dapper hat.
Emily Blunt: Okay, let's go!
[they RUN AROUND for a LONG TIME through many DOOR PORTALS and then are STUCK on Liberty Island]
Matt Damon: Hey Chekhov? I got you, buddy.
[he turns the doorknob COUNTER-CLOCKWISE]
Chekhov: Yeah!!!
[they RUN some more and end up on a ROOFTOP]
Both: Oh noooooo! Trapped! But we're together, so it's ok.
Terence Stamp: You fools! My Britishness has foiled you!!
Anthony Mackie: Wait! They're not fools! I have an order from The Chairman.
Matt Damon: Are...are you The Chairman?*
Entire Audience: LOL
Anthony Mackie: Haha, no, I am too fine to be The Chairman. But I've met him, and he gave me this message for you that he erased your plans! Now you get to do whatever you want!! I'm not super-sure how that works, since if every other human DOES have a plan and you don't, your involvement in their plans would necessarily be pre-determined...you know what? Never mind. Just live your lives and love each other.
Matt Damon and Emily Blunt: Okay!!
[they KISS, because although this SEEMS like an ACTION MOVIE, it is actually kind of a SAPPY ROMANCE]

[it is PRETEND NEW YORK]
Carrie: We're baaaaaaaaaaaaack! And wearing crazier dresses than ever.
Charlotte: OMG A WEDDING I LIVE FOR WEDDINGS EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GAY WEDDINGS.
Samantha: I just hope there's a straight man there I can bone in the bathroom.
Miranda: Oh look: there is. WHAT A SURPRISE.
[they are all EXACTLY THE SAME except more PARODY-LIKE]
Liza Minnelli: How gay is this gay wedding? Gay enough that I am both officiating it, and performing "All the Single Ladies." So: very gay.
Big: Do we haaaaaaaaaave to go out tonight? I just want to hang out on the couch. Look! I even bought us a sweet TV!
Carrie: Nooooo we can't turn boring!! Though our lives are literally made of fantasy!!
[she puts on a SHINY JUMPSUIT]
Samantha: Hold on, I'm putting cream on my vag. Okay, what? Smith Jerrod is on the phone? And he is still very attractive? And he wants me to be his publicist again? Super!
[they go to a MOVIE PREMIERE and Miley Cyrus is there for SOME REASON]
Miranda: By the way, I hate my job, so I quit it. I guess we're not really dealing with my issues in this movie? Whatevs, as long as my hair looks cute, which it does.
Carrie: Mine does too, mostly! I'm gonna go to my old apartment, which I still own for some reason, and write for a few days.
Big: Dang, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's bone.
[presumably, they DO, but she keeps her BRA on]
Samantha: Guess what, ladies! I just randomly got us a trip to Aaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaabi! I don't even know how I did it! I think it was my creamed-up vag, though.
Charlotte: But I have responsibilities! I need to make cupcakes while holding my child and talking on the phone and wearing vintage Valentino! THESE THINGS CANNOT WAIT.
[they BULLY her into agreeing to go]
Carrie: So off we went, halfway around the world, with 85 dresses each, and plenty of preconceived notions about the middle east. We were ready. Oh, and girls? Big and I think we might take a few days off from each other a week.
Charlotte: BUT THAT IS UNORTHODOX AND MEANS YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER AND THE ONLY DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE I SUBSCRIBE TO IS THE NORMAL ONE
Carrie's Butler, because they each get a butler: I am from India and only see my wife occasionally. And we're okay.
Carrie: See? These third-world people do things differently! And they're fine. I mean, weird, but fine. Look! That girl is wearing a burqa AND eating french fries!
Charlotte: But I miss my family!!
Carrie: This is an inter-French-ion!** You have to stop thinking about your family for a second!
Charlotte: BUT I AM THE ONE WHO WANTS KIDS AND NOW HAS THEM AND LOVES THEM BUT IT'S SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I AM CRAZY RICH AND HAVE A HOT NANNY!!
Samantha: Come on, let's ride camels in Aaaaaaaaaaaaabu Dhaaaaaaaaaaaaabi! It'll be funny because we're white!
Miranda: And it will allow me to use this pun I just thought of: inter-fun-tion! It's like an intervention, but FUN! GET IT?!
[Charlotte FALLS OFF the camel and it is NOT EVEN AMUSING]
Samantha: Oh, look. A man. I would like to have sex with him.
Carrie: Lawrence of Arabia?
Samantha: More like Lawrence of my labia.*
[she BONES him in PUBLIC and gets ARRESTED, but not before:]
Carrie: Ooh, look! Shoes! I love those! It is one of my main character traits! I'm going to buy some, but first I'll put down these spices I bought before.
[she SETS the SPICES DOWN and you KNOW something BAD is going to happen LATER]
Aidan: Oh! Hey! We used to date! And now I'm extremely attractive! And somehow in a spice market in Abu Dhabi! Let's have dinner!
[they DO, and they KISS, and she tells BIG and he is KINDA MAD, she THINKS]
Carrie: Oh god! I'm having a mid-wife crisis!
Miranda: Wait...is that like...a mid-life crisis except you're a wife? Or a crisis involving a midwife? Because it really sounds like the latter, and that...doesn't make sense.
Carrie: SHUT UP, I'M PUNNING.
Miranda: We have kids! So we're getting drunk while we're here!
Charlotte: Wooooooooooo Mommy's drunk!!!!
Samantha: I got arrested for being extremely disrespectful of the culture in this country...bail me out?
[they do, and their FREE TRIP gets CANCELLED so they have to PACK real FAST]
Charlotte: Oh my god! I'm so rich I don't know how to pack!!
Samantha: Just put it in your suitcase! God!
[they try to go to the AIRPORT and she wears SHORTS, which is like, a DICK MOVE]
Some Men: Those women are disrespecting us! Follow them!
Carrie: My passport is missing! It must be with those Foreshadowing Spices from before!
[they go BACK to the market and the passport is STILL THERE, which is BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE]
Some Men: Get back here! We have different values about women's bodies and your shorts are offending us!
A Girl in a Burqa: Come with me.
[they go into a BACK ROOM and all the women in BURQAS are wearing DESIGNER CLOTHES underneath and it is RETARDED]
Carrie: Wow! I guess we're all exactly the same in the world! Retarded! Let's ignore our significant cultural differences instead of trying to work through them.
Everyone: Yay!
[they FLY home in their PRINCESS CLASS SEATS]
Big: Oh, hey. Are we cool? I traded the sweet TV for some jewelry.
Carrie: Ladies be loving jewelry!
Miranda: I got a new job where my meetings are outside! I'm so happy!
Charlotte: I like being a mom again! But sometimes I need a break!
Samantha: I still like boning!
Everyone: We haven't changed! Don't you feel secure?
The Audience: No, it's kind of weird that you haven't changed, actually.

*I really thought she said "inter-French-ion," referring to the girl with the French fries? But the internet says it was "inter-friend-tion, which honestly makes even less sense to me, because who else but your friends would stage an intervention anyway? Isn't that the whole point of an intervention? "We love you, and we don't want you ruining your life with booze/meth/buying too many vintage dresses"? Ugh, whatever.

Guest Post: Dangerous Liaisons

I did the teen sensation version of this a while back, but Laura McClain has brought us the original. Also, don't forget about the other version of this story, which apparently takes place in a topsy-turvy world where Colin Firth and John Malkovich can somehow play the same role.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is FRANCE, in RESTORATION TIMES, where NOBODY has an ACCENT]
Glenn Close: Come, servants. Powder and bustle me.
[she is CORSETED and PLUMED]
John Malkovich: Yeah, me too. Fop me up.
[they GAZE at each other with SEXUAL MISCHIEF in their EYES]
Glenn Close: Ah, Valmont. Playing endless games of whist and posing on chaise lounges can be ever so dull. What say we ruin some lives today?
John Malkovich: You read my mind, my wicked friend slash former lover.
Glenn Close: Another one of former lovers is going to marry a stupid teenage virgin. Pop that cherry, would you? He shall be ever so pissed.
John Malkovich: I refuse, not because I am gay, as you might assume from the way I walk, talk and behave, but because that conquest is too easy for a man of my sexiness.
Audience: Ew.
[Uma Thurman PAYS a VISIT with her mom, SWOOZIE KURTZ]
John Malkovich: That’s her? Sold. But I’m also planning to hit this soldier’s wife who prides herself on her faithfulness. Seducing her shall be my masterpiece.
Glenn Close: Care to make it interesting? If you succeed, you can have sex with me, too, as a reward.
[she DOES not SAY “you can put it anywhere” but it is STRONGLY IMPLIED]
John Malkovich: Hurrah. Let the games begin.
[it is WEIRD, for though they are GOOD ACTORS, you don’t REALLY want to see them have SEXYTIMES]
Glenn Close: Ah, the opera. The perfect place to see and be seen. Hello, Uma Thurman. Let’s be best friends, shall we? I have no ulterior motives.
Uma Thurman: Hooray! Friends!
[Keanu Reeves ENTERS and it is REMINISCENT of when Bill and Ted TRAVELED to medieval times and PRETENDED to be KNIGHTS]
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
Glenn Close: Perhaps this young music teacher could instruct your daughter, Swoozie? I’m taking a normal amount of interest in your family. Nothing suspicious here!
[Keanu and Uma GAZE at each OTHER in an OBVIOUS MANNER]
[MEANWHILE, in the COUNTY…]
John Malkovich: Hello, virtuous woman. How very droll that we are staying at the same country house. Ha ha!
Michelle Pfeiffer: Dude, I already know all about your reputation. Also, you look like a serial killer.
John Malkovich: Blast! This shall prove a difficult game to play. While I plan my next strategic move, I’ll bone the virgin, who has conveniently come to visit.
Glenn Close: Use her love for Keanu to seduce her.
[Malkovich CONVINCES poor, DUMB Uma to GIVE him the KEY to her ROOM and then BASICALLY RAPES her]
Uma Thurman: It’s okay that you forced me to have sex with you, because you’re super good at it! And now I am too!
[she WRITHES AROUND]
John Malkovich: Hello, Michelle Pfeiffer. Ah, I see you’re doing charity work! I also love charity work. And praying. Praying is the best.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am falling for this, for some reason.
John Malkovich: So, now that I’ve convinced you that I am a kind man, I must tell you that I LOVE YOU AND I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU AND I LOVE YOU.
Michelle Pfeiffer: Gah! No! You must not! I am struggling with so many feelings! Go away! Come back! No, go! No, have sex with me!
John Malkovich: I have her right where I want her. But wait! What is this….feeling? It’s not angry, or even hungry.** I must flee!
Glenn Close: You love her. Ohhhhhh, this shall not stand.
[they have an ACTING FIGHT about PASSION and it is SEMI-HOT but MOSTLY GROSS]
Glenn Close: I shall take a lover to spite him.
Keanu Reeves: WHOA.
Michelle Pfeiffer: I submit. Let’s have sex whilst I weep copiously, basically making this Rape #2.
[they DO it and it is NOT ROMANTIC]
Glenn Close: I can’t believe you love this woman. You’ve gone soft, Valmont! Your reputation will be destroyed!
John Malkovich: Nooo! Without my reputation and my wigs I am nothing!
[he GIVES Michelle Pfeiffer the BRUSH-OFF, though he LOVES her]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [GOES BALLISTIC]
Michelle Pfeiffer: I am dying of grief. Literally.
[doctors put HOT CUPS on her BACK to CURE her of her MALKOVICH LOVE]
Keanu Reeves: Malkovich! I heard that you balled Uma! This shall not stand!
[they have a REALLY LONG swordfight, and Keanu STABS him GOOD]
John Malkovich: Come closer, Keanu. While I slowly bleed to death, I shall give you this speech about love. Tell Michelle Pfeiffer that my time with her was the only happy time I ever had. But more importantly, call out Glenn Close to society for being a mega-bitch.
Keanu Reeves: Okay.
[he DIES, his head LOLLING to the SIDE in a REALISTIC MANNER]
Glenn Close: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I will break everything in my house! I guess I loved him after all!
[at the OPERA, where SOCIETY GATHERS]
All of Society, Upon Seeing Glenn Close: Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOO!*
[Glenn Close GOES home and TAKES her MAKEUP off and it is COOL]

**copyright GOB Bluth

Obsessed

[it is LOS ANGELES]
Beyonce: Baby, I'm so glad you work at a poorly-defined Corporate Job that allows us to buy this big new house!! Our family is going to be so happy, and also very attractive, here.
Idris Elba: It's true...you are gorgeous, even with that weird reddish weave, and I am extremely handsome. Look at our child! So adorable! Let's go fool around upstairs.
Beyonce: But what about our kid? Oh, he'll be fine in the stroller, as long as he doesn't accidentally walk over to the glass table that is under the huge wrought-iron chandelier.
Me: If that chandelier doesn't fall into that table by the end of this film, I will be upset.
[they TEST OUT their new CEILING MIRRORS by BONING on the FLOOR]
Idris Elba: Well, back to work at Random Company!
Jerry O'Connell: Dude! We're friends! We work together! Duuuuude!
Ali Larter: Hi. Do people have conversations in elevators?
Idris Elba: No. Not with strangers.
Ali Larter: I didn't think so. But we're having one anyway! How convenient. I'm working at your company as a temp. See you around...............
[she looks at him FLIRTATIOUSLY]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude you should hiiiiiit thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Idris Elba: She is beautiful, but HELLO I AM MARRIED TO BEYONCE WHO IS LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN EVER. I mean, come on.
[he goes home and BONES her just to PROVE a POINT]
Beyonce: Well, have fun at the office Christmas party without me. I'll just be here with our child, who is apparently the only person I talk to besides you. I do want to go back to school though!!
Idris Elba: I support you, because I am a good husband.
Ali Larter: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii again. It's so WEIRD how we ran into each other at this bar, isn't it? Oh my god, so weird! Let's hang out before the Christmas party.
[she basically FUCKS him with her EYES]
Idris Elba: Ummmmm...this is making me uncomfortable.
[they go to the PARTY and get DRUNKER and she SHOVES him into a BATHROOM STALL]
Idris Elba: Stop trying to undress me! How did you even manage to shove me in this stall? You weigh like 100 pounds. Are you a robot?
Ali Larter: Maybe I'm your SEX ROBOT!!!!
[she continues to MAUL him]
Idris Elba: God, get off me!
[he runs to the PARKING GARAGE, but she is THERE in her UNDERWEAR]
Idris Elba: I wonder if I should tell my wife about this. It's kind of funny when you think about it...nah, I'll just let it lie. It's probably not a big deal.
Ali Larter: I quit my job so we can be together!
Idris Elba: Um...what?
Ali Larter: Also I followed you to a retreat and drugged you!
Idris Elba: Um...whaashs irufhweriuf...
[he PASSES OUT]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude I bet that chick is hotttttt in b--
Idris Elba: NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND HER I SWEAR.
Ali Larter: What?! No!!! My heart is broken!!
[she tries to OFF HERSELF with PILLS in his BED and he calls 911 because he is a DECENT HUMAN]
Beyonce: What the fuck? Who the fuck is this? What is going on?
Christine Lahti: Apparently this woman was naked in your husband's hotel room.
Beyonce: No! NO! You - no. This is - no. I'm out. I'm OUT.
[she is like REALLY PISSED]
Idris Elba: Nothing happened!!!
Christine Lahti: Look, guy, I don't care if you're boning this chick or not, but she is crazy. But she has conveniently gone to San Francisco, so now you're safe. California is a pretty big state.
Idris Elba: Phew. But my wife already kicked me out of the house!
Beyonce: Well...I think after a montage of us living separately, we can get back together.
[meanwhile, in their SWEET MANSION]
Babysitter: Um, who are you?
Ali Larter: I'm Mrs. Charles' friend! I'll just call her to make sure it's okay for me to be here. Look, I'm dialing her, and talking to her on the phone, even though you can't hear her. It's totally her. Do you need to talk to her?
Babysitter: No, I don't want to call your bluff. It was a pretty good bluff.
[Ali Larter STEALS their BABY because the babysitter is a DUMB TEEN who is TEXTING and not watching the BABY]
Beyonce: MY CHILD!!!!
[they run around FRANTICALLY for like 2 minutes and then the BABY ends up being in their CAR with a LIPSTICK KISS on his little head]
Beyonce: I can NOT belive she touched my CHILD. [on phone] Look, bitch, you know who this is, and I know you're crazy, but if you come near my family again, I'll SHOW YOU CRAZY.*
Idris Elba: Damn, my wife is fine.
Ali Larter: Oh hiiiii gay assistant of Idris Elba. It's been so long since we talked! I just needed some information.
Gay Assistant: Oh hey! Here is all the information you need about the trip that they are going on. Oops! I helped a stalker. Dang.
[Ali Larter BREAKS IN after Beyonce LEAVES and puts on an OLD FOOTBALL JERSEY and WRITHES AROUND a lot]
Beyonce: Oops, I forgot to set the alarm...and there's someone in my house.
Ali Larter: Oh, hey - your husband is divorcing you. That's why I'm wearing his football jersey.
Beyonce: What. Did I tell you. About staying away. From my family. Oh. Hell. No.
[they have a HUGE FUCKING FIGHT during which Beyonce keeps her FIERCE BOOTS ON]
Beyonce: Good thing I learned that our attic floor is unstable earlier.
[she LURES Ali Larter over a SOFT SPOT and Ali Larter FALLS THROUGH]
Beyonce: You are insane, and have been trying to kill me, but I cannot let you die.
[she offers her HAND, and Ali Larter tries to PULL HER DOWN TOO]
Beyonce: Nuh uh!!
[she FREES herself, and Ali Larter falls onto the CHANDELIER, which SWINGS AROUND, and then FALLS onto the GLASS TABLE, which SHATTERS, and then the CHANDELIER falls]
Beyonce: That was very satisfying.
Idris Elba: Are you okay? Let's go bone under our ceiling mirrors again.

Whip It

[it is BUMBLEFUCK, TEXAS]
Ellen Page: What’s the quickest way to establish that I am a Teen Rebel™? Besides using quirky catchphrases, I mean. I'm done with that, homeskillet.
Maeby Funke: Um…blue hair? At the beauty pageant your mom wants you to do?
Ellen Page: Sounds great. Bust out the Manic Panic.
[she REBELS against her STERN PARENTS via FASHION and ARMY BOOTS]
Marcia Gay Harden: You are not like me, a former beauty queen who now works as a mail carrier.** This makes me sad.
Daniel Stern: Remember me? Didn’t you love me in City Slickers? Well, I’m back, bitches!! Oh, and I’m your supportive dad.
Ellen Page: Whatever. Small-town life is boring. I work at a quirky restaurant with a guy who wears a bolo tie. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING UGH NO IT’S NOT I AM A SULLEN TEEN
Marcia Gay Harden: Let’s go to Austin and shop to have a mother-daughter bond, because ladies love to shop!
[they go to a BONG STORE and MGH is SHAMED because of her LACK of BONG KNOWLEDGE]
Marcia Gay Harden: I cannot patronize an establishment that mocks me!
Ellen Page: Fine, I’ll buy these boots myself! And take this intriguing flyer that those hot, tattooed ladies just brought in…
[she is ENTRANCED by ROLLER DERBY]
Maeby: Fine. Go have fun with your roller derby. Just make sure you don’t do the clichéd things that everyone in every sports and/or “finding yourself” teen movie EVER does.
Ellen Page: Like what?
Maeby: Like a montage of learning to skate in hilarious places.
[there is a SKATE-LEARNING MONTAGE]
Ellen Page: Oops?
Random Hot Musician: Or falling in love with some dude and losing your virginity to him as some indie music plays.
Ellen Page: What about if we’re underwater? Will that help?
Random Hot Musician: Um…okay.
Juliette Lewis: Or lying about something crucial, and then accidentally revealing it to the antagonist, who can then use it against you.
Ellen Page: I’m actually only 17. Shit! I did it again!!
Eve: I’m also in this movie. My roller derby name is Rosa Sparks!! Because I’m black!
Drew Barrymore: I directed this movie, bitches!! And I always said if I directed a movie, there’d be a food fight.
[there is a HUGE FOOD FIGHT]
Ellen Page: Gosh, I’m really doing badly on this whole “avoid the clichés” thing. And now the big championship match and the pageant my mom wants me to do are on the same night! Who saw THAT coming!?
Everyone: We did.
Kristen Wiig: Even though I am really even-keeled and responsible in this movie, I am still totally funny! Sweet!
Ellen Page: I have learned some things. And I want to respect my mom, so I’ll do the pageant.
Daniel Stern: Fuck that!! I just earned the respect of my son-having neighbor with my kickass athletic daughter! She’s gonna fuckin ROLLER DERBY!!!
[the ROLLER DERBY TEAM shows up at the PAGEANT and there is HILARIOUS JUXTAPOSITION]
Drew Barrymore: Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Movies are awesome!!!
[they LOSE, but have FUN, which is the most IMPORTANT THING in DERBY and also apparently in a BARRYMORE FLICK]

**(!)

P.S. I Love You

[it is CHINATOWN]
Hilary Swank: What are we doing with our lives? We live in Chinatown and have no kids and you keep rubbing it in my face with your hot Irish accent and brooding good looks!!
Gerard Butler: Ah, love, don't be frettin' about our lives - 'twill all come 'round! Ya just got ta stop buyin' them designer shoes!!
[she HURLS a variety of SHIT at him, BREAKING his SUSPENDERS]
Gerard Butler: Let's solve our problems by having amazing makeup sex.
[they DO]
Hilary Swank: Being married to you is awesome!!
[he DIES]
[no, seriously, he DIES, like, during the CREDIT SEQUENCE]
[it's REALLY WEIRD]
Kathy Bates: Thanks for coming to my bar for the Irish wake of my good-for-nothing son-in-law. Let's all have a shot of Jameson and I'll stop complaining about him, since he's dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: How did he die?*
Hilary Swank: Brain tumor.*
Harry Connick Jr.: NICE!* Uh, sorry, I have a condition that makes me rude. It's never really established if this is a real condition. Just go with it, I'm attractive.
Gina Gershon: Don't worry, your comic sidekick friends are here! We're too wacky to just be one sidekick! So there are two of us. Also, I am married to Spike from Buffy, I think.
Lisa Kudrow: We're so sorry your husband is dead! I'm still going to cruise this funeral, though, since I am a hilariously desperate single girl.
Hilary Swank: Thanks, friends. Now I will retreat into my apartment.
[she MOPES around for like THREE WEEKS because HELLO her husband just DIED]
Kathy Bates: Stop being depressed! He's dead, get over it. Also, happy birthday.
Nellie McKay: I'm your sister!
[a CAKE arrives from BEYOND THE GRAVE]
Gerard Butler [on tape]: Hello. Since I am dying, I have written you a series of letters and arranged a series of adventures for you, all designed specifically to make you remember our relationship in bits and pieces. It'll be fun, I promise.
Hilary Swank: You rascal!! You dead, dead rascal!
[she goes KARAOKEING because her dead husband told her to]
Hilary Swank: I remember the time we karaoked...sigh. Now you're dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: So...are we gonna get together or what?
Hilary Swank: Dead husband, remember? Totally hung up on him? Duh. But please keep hanging around pestering me until I finally give in, since persistence is the #1 trait in romance movies that women look for in a man.
[she and her GIRLS go to IRELAND, a trip her DEAD HUSBAND arranged]
Gina Gershon: He left me a letter!
Lisa Kudrow: Me too!
[it is actually KIND OF SWEET]
Hilary Swank: Well, let's go to the bar he said to go to.
[they see Jeffrey Dean Morgan and are all like DAMN HE FINE]
Gina Gershon: It's time for you to bone someone.
Lisa Kudrow: As your BFFs, it is our responsibility to get you laid. This is pretty true to life, actually.
[Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays a SONG that reminds her of her DEAD HUSBAND and she RUNS AWAY, thus negating the possibility of HOT BONING]
Lisa Kudrow: Aw crap!
[they go FISHING and FLAIL ABOUT because they are CITY CHICKS and lose their OARS and are STUCK in the LAKE]
Gina Gershon: Well, as long as we're sitting here: I'm pregnant.
Lisa Kudrow: And I'm getting married!
Hilary Swank: And my husband is dead. Thanks, you bitches.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Hi. I just happen to be the lake...supervisor. I, uh, work on the lake. Or something.
Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow: Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!
[they get him back to their RENTAL HOUSE and HOPE for the BEST]
Hilary Swank: Look, I really like you, but kissing you...it's like trying on a pair of shoes that are really cute, but just don't fit.*
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Why not go barefoot a while?*
Hilary Swank: That metaphor...doesn't make sense. Oh well, let's fuck anyway.
[they DO, offscreen, because this movie is CLASSY]
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Oh, by the way, I'm your dead husband's childhood BFF.
Hilary Swank: Whaaaaaaaaa? I must visit his parents now for this trip to be complete.
[they give her ANOTHER LETTER and she reads it in his FORT and WEEPS]
Gerard Butler: I remember when I met you, and you were quirky, and I loved you immediately, because that happens in the movies, and maybe also in Ireland, and I tried to trick you into kissing me by claiming a dog was a Wild Irish Dog, which when you think about it is pretty cute. P.S. I love you.
[she goes HOME, SAFE in the KNOWLEDGE that he LOVED her but still HUNG UP]
Hilary Swank: I know! I'll become a shoe designer!! Shoes solve all the world's problems.
[she NEGLECTS her friends and family to COBBLE all day long]
Lisa Kudrow: Bitch, I'm getting married and you're off fucking cobbling? What the fuck?!
Hilary Swank: Sorry. I made you some shoes as an apology.
Lisa Kudrow: All is forgiven! Ladies love shoes!!
Kathy Bates: I have the last letter for you. Oh, and even though I hated him, I still agreed to mail all the letters for him. Seriously, though, this one is the last one. Everyone dies alone. But in that, we're together.*
Harry Connick Jr.: Let's go to Yankee Stadium for some reason, since my uncle has access to it all the time.
Hilary Swank: I got a letter from my dead husband that says to stop being hung up on him, so now I'm not anymore. Wanna kiss now?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay!!
[they DO, and it is NOT HOT]
Harry Connick, Jr.: That was like kissing my sister! I guess we will just be friends, even after all that build-up. Hollywood, suck on that!
Hilary Swank: Wait, so I end up alone?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well...no one wants to end up alone, because that is the worst thing ever. Maybe you and your mom can go to Ireland and presumably both find hot Irishmen!
Hilary Swank: Okay!!
[a JIG plays]

The Hangover

[it is LOS ANGELES]
The Groom: Wooooo! I'm getting married! Time for me and my boys to get our bromance on!!
Bradley Cooper: Hell yeah! Hanging out with you other totally unlikeable dudes is the BEST! I hate children, but I am a teacher! My wife and kid are laaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Ed Helms: I have a bitchy girlfriend and no spine! Which is why I'm going to marry that bitch anyways.
Rachael Harris: That's right, you fucking pussy! Women are harpies!
Zack Galifianakis: [says something STRANGE but HILARIOUS]
[they go to VEGAS because they are BROS and do a JAEGER SHOT on the ROOF]
Zach Galifianakis: My wolfpack, it grew by one.*
[they WAKE UP]
Ed Helms: What happened? I am missing a tooth, which is crazy because I am a dentist, a fact that you will hear often. There is a tiger in the bathroom. And our groom is missing!! I am freaking out, because I am uptight and high-strung and my bitchy girlfriend will totally murder me! For everything! Why can't bros just be bros?
Bradley Cooper: Chill out, man. We'll figure it out. I'm handsome, so I'll be in charge.
Zach Galifianakis: You are handsome. Also, I roofied you guys. My bad.
[they find a BABY in the CLOSET and name it CARLOS]
Ed Helms: I will continue to freak out!!
[they go to a WEDDING CHAPEL and figure out that Ed Helms MARRIED a WHORE]
Ed Helms: Gahhhh!!
Bradley Cooper: No bigs, dude, just chillax. Check out my great hair.
Zack Galifianakis: You do have great hair.
[they get JUMPED by some ASIANS]
Heather Graham: Oh, hi! I'm a hooker with a heart of gold, because all women are whores or harpies! It's almost like Shakespeare! Ha ha! Thanks for bringing my baby back!
Ed Helms: Being with a whore is better than being with a harpy.
Bradley Cooper: Sweet, broseph.
Zach Galifianakis: [says something HILARIOUS but UNRELATED]
[they get ARRESTED because they stole a COP CAR earlier]
Rob Riggle: You punks think you can steal our car?! Well, my broadly drawn stereotypical big black lady partner has something to say about that.
Broadly Drawn Stereotypical Big Black Lady Partner: You ain't gonna steal our car. Not up in here!!*
Rob Riggle: NOT UP IN HERE!* See how I did that? I said the same thing she did, and it was funny, because I'm white and she is black. Now, let us tase you for the kids and we'll let you go.
[they DO and it is FUNNY because TASING is HILARIOUS?]
Bradley Cooper: Now to get the car back and find our buddy. Maybe he's in the trunk.
Nude Asian: Yahhhhhhh! I am in your trunk! And nude!
[they ENCOUNTER Mike Tyson, whose TIGER it is]
Mike Tyson: Bring back my tiger, or I will punch you some more.
[they DO, using the LEFTOVER ROOFIES to subdue the TIGER...for a WHILE]
Ed Helms: Oh man! The tiger is eating the car! Could anything wackier happen?
[the car gets T-BONED by the ASIANS from before, who are friends with the NUDE ASIAN, because they are all ASIAN]
Head Asian: We have your friend. Bring me my $80,000 and you can have him back.
Zach Galifianakis: Now I will use my math skills to win big at blackjack.
[he DOES, and they make the TRADE, but it is the WRONG GUY]
Black Guy Who is Not The Groom: Oh man, why do they call them roofies? You're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof.
Ed Helms: I have solved the mystery of where the groom is! He's on the roof!
[they FIND him and go SWIFTLY back to LA for the WEDDING]
Groom: Sorry I had such a bro-tastic time. I really do love you, since you're a total hottie. Hey! It's the bromance triumvirate! The harpy, the hooker, and the hottie.
Rachael Harris: I AM NOT A HARPY!!!
Ed Helms: YES YOU ARE!!!
[they BREAK UP, thankfully]
Bradley Cooper: Somehow, this weekend has made me realize that my wife and son are awesome. I'm not sure how.
[they find the CAMERA of their WILD NIGHT, which includes BLOWJOB pics]

Oscar Watch '09: Frost/Nixon

[it is the 1970s]
Many News Reports: Nixon! Watergate! He's resigning! Here is some history in case you aren't familiar with history!
Sam Rockwell: Is this a documentary? Not really, but I'm being interviewed like it is.
Oliver Platt: The thing with David Frost...he knew television.
[it is AUSTRALIA]
The Women Behind Us: Oh! I always thought he was British.
David Frost: Do you hear my accent? It is clearly British, and not Australian.
Someone: Frost was a British television personality who had been shipped to Australia because his shows were not great.
The Women Behind Us: Oh, I guess he is British!
[David Frost STARES at the NEWS COVERAGE of Nixon and gets an IDEA]
David Frost: It's PERFECT. I have an idea, producer friend.
Non-Colin Firth Mr. Darcy: What is it? And is my hair grey? Or just really blonde?
David Frost: We'll interview Richard Nixon!! It'll make millions!
Truman Capote: Mr. President, we have an offer for you to do an interview with this British TV presenter. He's just a talk show host, so it'll be easy for you to win the interview.
Frank Langella: Awesome. Let's get some money out of them.
[David Frost and his producer FLY FIRST-CLASS to LA and Frost picks up a HOT GIRL on the flight]
David Frost: Why don't you come with me to meet Richard Nixon? I know I just met you, but you're flying first class, so you're probably not a crazy person.
Hot Girl: Okay. But first, please buy me a drink in the plane's full bar.**
David Frost: Will do! Now I have to go to every network and get shot down, because they don't pay for interviews. But I will triumph!!
[they go to Nixon's SWEET BEACH PAD]
Frank Langella: And this is where I hung out with Brezhnev. So, how's about that $200,000 you promised me?
[Frost writes a check from his OWN POCKET to pay the advance]
Frank Langella: Did he just pay me from his own pocket? And did you see his shoes?
Kevin Bacon: I think so, sir. And yes. They have no laces.
Frank Langella: I think a man's shoes ought to have laces.*
[meanwhile, at CAMP FROST]
Non-Firth Darcy: We're going to need some backup if we're going to do this interview right.
Oliver Platt: I'm a Nixon expert!
Sam Rockwell: Me too! Except I am more volatile.
Non-Firth Darcy: You're hired!!
[they do a lot of RESEARCH but Frost does more GALLIVANTING than RESEARCH]
Sam Rockwell: Should we be concerned about all this gallivanting? Oh well.
Kevin Bacon: As the former President's assistant or something, I am stoic, and concerned about how the President is perceived. Watergate can take up only 25% of the interviews. And by "Watergate," I mean "every negative thing he ever did."
David Frost: That's crazy! No way! IT'S ON.
Kevin Bacon: BRING IT.
[they have the FIRST TAPING and Nixon TOTALLY SLAUGHTERS Frost with his ORATORY SKILLS]
Sam Rockwell: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[the next taping goes BETTER, but not GOOD]
Oliver Platt: Seriously?
David Frost: Well, just come to my birthday party. Hugh Hefner will be there. [to himself] You idiot! Get yourself together!!
[Nixon DRUNK-DIALS Frost and goes on a TIRADE about being LOWER-MIDDLE CLASS and how no one RESPECTS them and it is INTENSE]
David Frost: I'm gonna get him. Sam Rockwell, go do some additional research!
[they find some NEW INFORMATION that will ROCK the WORLD]
David Frost: Well, it's the last day of taping! I hope it will be as eventful as our phone call!
Frank Langella: What phone call?*
[Frost WINS the interview with the NEW INFORMATION]
Frank Langella: You have bested me. Now all I have left is to pet this dachshund in a sad old man manner.
David Frost: I bought you some of those shoes you liked.
[Nixon GAZES at the OCEAN for a while]

**!

Sight Unseen: Bride Wars

[it is AMERICA]

Anne Hathaway: I'm so glad we're best friends, even though I am occasionally in really good movies, and you're in this kind of schlock basically all the time.

Kate Hudson: I know, right? You were totally good in Rachel Getting Married.

Anne Hathaway: Thanks!

Kate Hudson: ...now you say, "Kate, you were totally good in Fool's Gold."

Anne Hathaway: I may be a top contender for an Oscar this year, Kate, but I'm not a good enough actress to say that convincingly.

Kate Hudson: Fine. Let's just get married and be each others' maids of honor, okay?

Candice Bergen: Your weddings accidentally got booked for the same day.

Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway: WHAT?!?!

Candice Bergen: There's a simple solution, though: one of you just needs to move your ceremony to a different place or date. I'm not actually sure how you got to this point without realizing they were on the same day, but whatever.

Kate Hudson: This means war, bitch.

Anne Hathaway: Oh, it's on.

[they have a series of ESCALATING PRANKS, involving HAIR DYE and other HILARIOUS things]

Anne Hathaway: Wait, we're best friends. Let's resolve this.

Kate Hudson: Okay.

[they HUG]

The Duchess

[it is ENGLAND, in OLDEN TIMES]

Keira Knightley: Ha ha ha ha ha! Being an aristocrat is so very droll! Ladies, let us make a wager on these gentlemen as they race around our large estate for our amusement. I shall make a wager on that fine specimen there. My life is so free and easy! Ha ha!

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: I shall win for you, my lady.

[meanwhile, in the SUMPTUOUS HOUSE]

Ralph Fiennes: I'd like to marry your daughter, please. And she needs to give me a son. Stat. I'll even pay her once she has delivered me one.

Charlotte Rampling: How lovely. My daughter. A whore. But a legitimate whore!

[Keira Knightley's FACE is shown in CLOSE-UP for like A YEAR]

Ralph Fiennes: Now, to the business of making me a son.

[he DISROBES her by CUTTING her DRESS and they BONE, in an EXTREMELY AWKWARD fashion]

Keira Knightley: My. Being a duchess is difficult, as I am a high-spirited and intelligent lady. Here, let me prove it.

[she SASSES some POLITICIANS at a DINNER and GAMBLES a lot and wears FABULOUS clothes]

Society: Oh, we love her! And her fashions.

Ralph Fiennes: We're going to take in this child. I have spoken my decree.

Keira Knightley: Is this your bastard child? Well, whatevs, I will love her anyway. Also, I will soon have a son for you!

[she has a BABY, but it is ONLY A GIRL]

Keira Knightley: I love you anyway, baby. I love you so much I will name you after me. But when I have your sister, I will call her Harryo, which is not really a real name.

[SIX YEARS LATER, they go to a PARTY in BATH, because that is LITERALLY all they did back then]

Keira Knightley: Oh. Hello there. I saw my rakish husband speaking with you just now. Was he asking you for a roll in the hay?

Lady Bess: Oh, no, he just asked me to dance.

Keira Knightley: Ha ha! I'm sure he wanted more than just a dance, especially with those bosoms. What say you and I be best friends?

[they are BFF, like, INSTANTLY]

Lady Bess: I have nowhere to live!

Keira Knightley: Live with us!

[they MAKE OUT a little bit]

Ralph Fiennes: Hmm. Since my wife apparently does not enjoy intercourse with me, I shall sleep with her slutty friend with the incredible rack.

[they get CAUGHT]

Keira Knightley: I shall shout at you, because the louder I shout, the better I act! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

Lady Bess: Look, we weren't trying to hurt you. Why don't we all just live here together? Hmm?

[that is ACTUALLY what they DO]

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: Oh. Hey. I'm back in the picture now, and I still love you.

[they BONE, but in a HOT way]

Ralph Fiennes: End this affair!

Keira Knightley: No!

Ralph Fiennes: This will be the mistake of your life!*

Keira Knightley: No, I made that mistake many years ago.* BURNNNNNN!!!

Ralph Fiennes: Fine, then I'll prevent you from seeing your kids.

Keira Knightley: Noooooooo!!

[she gets DRUNK and sets her WIG on FIRE]

Ralph Fiennes: Please put Her Grace's hair out.*

The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: GEORGIANA!!! GEORGIANA!! I'M IN THE HALL! COME OUT HERE!

Keira Knightley: Look, I'm pregnant with your child, but this is all super-scandalous. I'm going away to the country.

Lady Bess: I'm coming with you. If you'll have me. Since I basically stole your husband.

Keira Knightley: We're cool.

[she gives BIRTH but has to give the BABY to her BABY DADDY'S family to avoid a SCANDAL]

Society: Welcome back! We have missed your fashions.

Keira Knightley: And I have missed your adoration. And my wigs.

Title on screen: Everything turned out all right for everybody, considering how fucked-up the whole love triangle thing was. Lady Bess married the Duke after the Duchess died. And the boyfriend from Mamma Mia! became Prime Minister* eventually.

*of hottness

Kinky Boots

[it is NORTHERN ENGLAND]
Papa Price: Son, this is my shoe factory. I love it so much!! I assume you will follow in my footsteps. I am placing all my hopes and dreams for the future of this company on you.
Charlie Price: Uh...no thanks.
[he moves to LONDON with his MEAN GIRLFRIEND, but his dad DIES the DAY he moves there]
Charlie Price: Bugger.
[he RETURNS to the FACTORY and finds out it is TOTALLY FAILING]
Charlie Price: Sorry, guys...I have to lay off some people. I don't know what else to do.
Cute Pixie-Haired Worker Girl: Figure out a niche market!!
[he goes to LONDON to try to SELL SHOES but CANNOT]
Charlie Price: A woman in trouble! I shall prove my manliness by saving her.
[the DAMSEL turns out to be a TRANNY]
Black Guy From Love Actually Tranny: I don't need your help, for I am actually a very muscular man, in drag. Damn! My heel has broken again! Why can't I find a well-made pair of kinky boots??
Charlie Price: IDEA!!! I'll make you some boots that can hold a man's weight! I have a shoe factory!
[he and the PIXIE-HAIR GIRL make some SERIOUSLY UGLY BOOTS]
Tranny: Burgundy. Please God, tell me I have not inspired something BURGUNDY.*
[she REDESIGNS the BOOTS so they are WALKING TUBES OF SEX]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Hey there love, fancy a ---WHAAAA? You're a bloke!!
[there is a lot of MANLINESS talk and an ARM-WRESTLING CONTEST that the TRANNY should have WON, but DIDN'T]
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: Now I respect you, because you let me win.
[the FACTORY WORKERS get TIRED of the PERFECTIONISM of the BOSS and QUIT]
Charlie Price: You can't quit!! We have Milan!! I need you!!!
Bitchy Girlfriend: Just sell the damn factory! I hate this town! Here are some more things I will say to make everyone happy when I dump you so you can end up with the cute pixie-hair girl!
Charlie Price: No! I love my workers! They are awesome! And you're a bitch!
Ed from Shaun of the Dead: I have also changed my mind about the boss after overhearing him. Let's work EVEN HARDER.
[they DO, and finish all the BOOTS, which have a POCKET for a WHIP in them]
Charlie Price: Thanks for designing all the boots for me, Lola. But why do you wear a dress? Now, all of a sudden, I have decided to judge your lifestyle.
[she BOUNCES and he is left WITHOUT A MODEL for the Milan show]
Cute Pixie-Hair Girl: I think there's really only one option here. You have to be very secure in your manhood, and on your feet, but I think you can do it.
[he goes on the RUNWAY with NO PANTS in the THIGH-HIGH BOOTS and TOTALLY FALLS]
Tranny: It's okay. I'm here now. With my fucking awesome tranny backup singers.
[they perform a MEDLEY of SHOE-RELATED HITS]
Everyone: I have learned something about society...and myself.