Don't worry, I'm not going to let her get away with not writing posts, like that quitter Fantine.
I am also Javert, I guess, and will stalk her to the ends of this earth. On that ominous note, hopefully we can get some new posts up here in time for Oscar season. Apparently, starting with Les Miz, as I have stretched this metaphor as far as it can go. Movies!
Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.
[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]
William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!
[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]
William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!
Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.
[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]
Fancy Producer: Eh…..
Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.
William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.
[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]
William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.
[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]
William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.
Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.
William Holden: Eh?
[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]
Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?
William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*
Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*
[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]
Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.
[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]
William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.
Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.
William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.
[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]
Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.
William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.
[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]
Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.
Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.
William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.
Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.
William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?
Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.
William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.
Audience: No duh, Holden.
William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.
Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[he LEAVES to go PARTY with NORMAL people]
Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.
William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.
Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.
William Holden: Shit.
Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.
William Holden: Oh, SHIT.
[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]
Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.
[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]
Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?
[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]
Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!
William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.
Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!
William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.
[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]
Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.
[there is a SLATHERING montage]
Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.
[they MAKE OUT]
Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.
[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]
Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!
[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]
William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!
Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!
William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.
Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.
Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!
William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!
Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*
[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]
Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!
Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]
Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.
Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?
Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.
Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*
[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]
Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
[it is 1956]
Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.
His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.
[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]
Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!
Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!
Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.
[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]
Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.
Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.
Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.
Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.
Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!
Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!
Freckled Youth: Please?
Hermione Granger: OK.
[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]
Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.
[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]
Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!
[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]
Freckled Youth: She's amazing.
Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!
[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]
Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.
Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.
[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]
Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.
[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]
Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!
Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.
Freckled Youth: And how!
[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]
Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??
Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?
[she FLIPS OUT]
Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.
[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]
Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?
Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.
[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]
Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!
[he GETS a WATER boner]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.
Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.
[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]
Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.
Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.
[she PASSES OUT]
Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.
Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!
Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!
[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.
Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?
Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.
[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]
Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.
[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]
Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?
Freckled Youth: Week?
[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[it is LOS ANGELES]
Ryan Gosling: I am a driver. I drive. I drive so well that I can plan to drive some robbers to the Staples Center in this nondescript silver Impala just as the basketball game is ending so no one will catch us.
[he is SILENT and DRIVES real good and they GET AWAY]
Bryan Cranston: You are so good at stunt driving! I wish you could drive racecars so I could make money off your driving skills. I like money and have a limp.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears RUBBER MASK, drives STUNTS in a MOVIE]
[meanwhile, at his APARTMENT]
Carey Mulligan: I live on the fourth floor.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, wears SCORPION JACKET]
[they LOOK at each other and then CLOSE their DOORS but it is MEANINGFUL]
Ryan Gosling: I better get groceries. Even stoic stunt slash robbery drivers need to eat.
[he sees CAREY and her SON and they are being CUTE in the GROCERY STORE]
Carey Mulligan: My car is broken.
[suddenly they are in the ELEVATOR of their APARTMENT so maybe he fixed their CAR or maybe DROVE them home, because he is a DRIVER]
Carey Mulligan: My son's father is in prison.
Little Boy: I have a pumpkin mask on.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK, is ATTRACTIVE]
[meanwhile, at the GARAGE]
Carey Mulligan: My car broke down again, or possibly is still broken down.
Ryan Gosling: [SMILES crookedly]
Bryan Cranston: He's a good mechanic, even though he doesn't have a name. Or a past? Maybe? You two are both attractive, though, so maybe he should give you and your adorable child a ride home.
Ryan Gosling: Wanna see something?
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they drive in that PLACE where they DRAG RACED in GREASE to a SONG that sounds like the 80s but also like maybe something that would play in the LOBBY of a FANCY CLUB but not actually IN THE CLUB]
Ryan Gosling: It's a creek.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they LOOK at the CREEK and are IN LOVE or something]
Carey Mulligan: My husband is getting out of prison in a week.
Ryan Gosling: [stoic HOTNESS]
Bryan Cranston: We're going to get a stock car so you can drive it and make money, and Albert Brooks is going to help us.
Albert Brooks: Fine. Here's $300,000. But I want to meet this kid.
[he puts out his HAND to SHAKE it]
Ryan Gosling: My hands are a little dirty.*
Albert Brooks: So are mine.*
[they LOOK at each other]
Albert Brooks: Okay. But I have to tell my partner.
Ron Perlman: That's me! I am weird-looking and angry. And I am the one who gave your friend that limp!
Bryan Cranston: Yes.
[meanwhile, at the APARTMENT]
Standard, the Babydaddy: I'm out of prison! Also I am named Standard. Also I am quite attractive.
Carey Mulligan: Yes.
[they have a PARTY for being out of PRISON]
Standard: I hear you have been helping my wife out.
Ryan Gosling: [chews on TOOTHPICK]
Standard: Thank you for that. Although you are extremely attractive, I am maybe not at all suspicious of you?
[he gets BEAT UP by some THUGS]
Standard: They want me to rob a pawn shop, but I want to go straight.
Ryan Gosling: I will help you, but really it is because I want to help your wife and child, which is not weird at all.
Little Boy: I have a bullet.
Ryan Gosling: Let me have it. I might need it later for intimidation purposes.
[meanwhile, at what might be the LA BREA TAR PITS]
Thug in Track Suit: You guys need to rob this pawn shop, and Blanche is going to help you.
Standard: I will do it! I will do anything to protect my family!!
Christina Hendricks: I'm Blanche, but in case you forget, my earrings say my name on them.
[they ROB the pawn shop and Blanche takes the MONEY but Standard gets SHOT and it is VERY STARTLING]
Ryan Gosling: I will drive.
[they DRIVE and somehow GET AWAY]
Ryan Gosling: Why did they follow us?
Christina Hendricks: I don't know! I'm too attractive to know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Gosling: [puts on DRIVING GLOVES and THREATENS her]
Christina Hendricks: Okay, they were always going to rob us of the money. It was a setup. But I didn't know he'd get killed! I have to go put on my lip gloss.
[her fucking HEAD gets BLOWN OFF because there are THUGS outside the ROOM]
Ryan Gosling: [is the CALMEST PERSON in the WORLD]
Random Thug: Aaaargh! You stabbed me with the shower curtain rod!!!
Ryan Gosling: I am covered in blood. My scorpion jacket is covered in blood.
[he goes to a STRIP CLUB where the STRIPPERS have iPHONES]
Ryan Gosling: Hi. I have a hammer and a bullet, and I will hammer this bullet into your head if you don't tell me what the fuck is up.
Thug in Track Suit: I work for Ron Perlman! Call him!
Strippers: [complete BOREDOM]
Bryan Cranston: Ummmmm so I'm super-sorry about this but I sort of told Albert Brooks about this whole thing with the heist and since it turns out his partner is behind the whole thing you are kind of their target now. Sorry.
Carey Mulligan: My husband is dead now.
Ryan Gosling: I was trying to protect you.
[they get in the ELEVATOR and there is a BESUITED THUG there]
Ryan Gosling: Now I will kiss you.
[they KISS and it is PRETTY HOT but then he STOMPS the guy's HEAD in and WOW that is NOT HOT]
Ryan Gosling: I must warn my friend(?) Bryan Cranston.
Bryan Cranston: I will leave town!
Albert Brooks: No, you won't.
[he SLITS Bryan Cranston's WRISTS with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and SHIT it is gross]
Ryan Gosling: My only friend(?) is dead now. I must make sure that woman that I maybe love for no clear reason and her son are safe.
[he uses his DRIVING SKILLS to RUN Ron Perlman OFF THE ROAD]
Ron Perlman: I will run into the ocean to escape! Oh wait, no, I will be drowned.
Ryan Gosling: Now it's just you and me, Albert Brooks. Carey Mulligan, I must leave you.
[they LOOK at each other's BEAUTY]
Carey Mulligan: Goodbye.
[a SONG plays that is either the same song from BEFORE or another VERY SIMILAR SONG]
Albert Brooks: Meet me at a Chinese restaurant. There, I will collect the money. And then stab you.
Ryan Gosling: No, I will stab you.
[they STAB each other but Ryan Gosling is BETTER at STABBING and stays ALIVE]
Ryan Gosling: I guess I will continue to drive now.
[he LITERALLY drives off into the SUNSET though since they are in CALIFORNIA does that mean he is driving INTO THE SEA?]