12.05.2013

Annnnnd we're sort-of-back-post: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Remember when I was all "I will save the blog-child and she will thrive"? Like, a year ago? Whoops, sorry about that. Here's something for y'all - a movie from 1967 that we're all sick to death of! Happy holidays?
_______________________________________________________________________________

[it is the SWINGING 60’s]
Audrey Hepburn: Croissants and diamonds really go together well. Nom nom.
[she GOES home to her SWEET brownstone and is ASSAULTED by a NERD]
Nerd: Where’d you go, baby? I gave you money for the powder room! You owe meeeee.
[she BUZZES her NEIGHBOR’S buzzer and things get pretty RACIST]
Mickey Rooney: I am Japanese! Miss GoRiiiiiiiiiiigtry!!!
Audrey Hepburn: Hello DARLING! Don’t be cross with me!
[he FORGIVES her, as EVERYONE does]
George Peppard: Hi, I’m new here. Sorry I buzzed you, but I didn’t pick out this apartment for a mysterious reason. Where’s your furniture?
Audrey Hepburn: I’m naked! And sleeping in the middle of the day. Hello, cat! The phone’s in the suitcase! Oh no, I have to go to Sing Sing!
[she RUNS around QUIRKILY]
George Peppard: I am intrigued by this woman- child.
Audrey Hepburn: My DARLING friend Sally has to give me the weather report. It’s innocent! Bye!
[she RUNS off in a GIVENCHY GOWN]
Patricia Neal: Paaaaaul daaaaarling. Do you loooove the house? I couldn’t resiiiiiist.
[she is OLD and LEAVES money on his DRESSER, after they DO IT]
Audrey Hepburn: Hi. I saw your lady john leave money on your dresser. Can I come and lay in bed with you, since we are both subtly whores? I will call you Fred now.
George Peppard: Uh, ok.
Audrey Hepburn: You’re a writer. Why aren’t you writing more? I can’t imagine what could possibly inspire you here.
George Peppard: Keeping my hair perfectly shellacked takes a lot of time. But maybe something around here could be inspirational…
Audrey Hepburn: Darling! Come to my sexy party!
[there is a PERFECT party SCENE involving CAFTANS and GAYS and EYE PATCHES and CRYING into MIRRORS, while Hepburn DUMPS booze on people UNWITTINGLY]
The Guy Who Gets Face-Slashed in Psycho: Ah, that tomato really is something. A real genuine phony.
[the PARTY ends with COPS and Mickey Rooney RACISM, as ALL good PARTIES do]
Audrey Hepburn: [sits on FIRE ESCAPE and sings "Moon River" to SHOW how PERFECT and WOUNDED she is]
George Peppard: Gaaaaaaaze. Oh, my lady john is here.
Patricia Neal: Daaaaarling…there is a strange maaaaan outside your apartment building. I think my husband hired goons to waaaaatch you.
George Peppard: I’ll put a stop to this!
[he GOES to MENACE the MAN though he could not be LESS menacing]
Man in Stetson: Hi there, son. I’m here for my wife, Lulu Mae. Let me tell you the backstory, while I eat this Cracker Jack.
[he tells a LONG and BORING story about how Hepburn was a HICK and MARRIED an OLD when she was like NINE, but RAN AWAY to be a CITY SLUT]
Man in Stetson: Also, I’ve been takin’ care of her retard brother, and I can’t do that no more. He’ll have to go into the army.
George Peppard: Though I have known Holly for roughly five minutes, I am somehow personally betrayed by this story. I will bring you to her!
Audrey Hepburn: I just CAN’T go back with you, darling! Here’s some money for my beloved, retarded brother. Take care of him.
[they put Stetson on a BUS to the STRAINS of "Moon River"]
Audrey Hepburn: I feel guilt and want to get drunk. Let’s go watch some 60s-bodied strippers.
[they DO and she acts like a JERK]
Audrey Hepburn: Sorry I was a jerk last night. It’s just my jam. Let’s spend the day doing new things! Isn’t it great how we are both whores and don’t have to worry about day jobs?
[they STEAL from a five-and-ten, go to the LIBRARY and harass Mr. Banks at TIFFANYS where they get a CRACKER JACK ring ENGRAVED]
George Peppard: Everything is amazing. Now I will kiss her into a camera smeared with Vaseline. And break up with my lady john.
Patricia Neal: Oh, so it’s like thaaaaat, huh?
[she BURNS him in an ELEGANT way and you SUDDENLY wish the WHOLE movie was about HER]
George Peppard: I love you, Holly!
Audrey Hepburn: Oh darling, don’t be silly, I couldn’t possibly be with you. I have to marry for money!
[she GETS herself ENGAGED to a HOT, RICH Brazilian dude]
George Peppard: Nerd rage!
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME later…]
Audrey Hepburn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hot Brazilian Dude: Please to help, man resembling Ken doll! The weird woman-child is loco!
[he FINDS her DESTROYING her APARTMENT because her BROTHER is DEAD and it is SAD, but also, maybe Audrey Hepburn isn’t SUPER great at ACTING?]
George Peppard: I’m sorry about your brother. Let’s hang out one more time before you go to Brazil.
[they have a PLEASANT time, but then she gets ARRESTED for the MOB thing that happened like, HOURS ago]
George Peppard: I bailed you out of jail because I am a classic “nice guy” who thinks he’s being a great friend but is really just trying to blackmail you into loving him. Anyway, your filthy foreign fiancĂ© is dumping you because you are scandalous.
Audrey Hepburn: Whatever. I’ll go to Brazil anyway and have an adventure.
George Peppard: No! You have to stay here, because you belong to me, because I am a creep!
Audrey Hepburn: No! I am free, just like the nameless cat!
[she LETS the CAT out of the CAB and then INSTANTLY runs after it]
Audrey Hepburn: This rain-soaked cat has made me realize that I love you.
[they MAKE out and I hope that he SELLS a STORY or SOMETHING, because they are STILL both WHORES]
 

1.10.2013

Be My Valjean

Hi guys, Laura here. I don't know if anyone still reads our precious, precious UCMs, but I miss wasting valuable hours of my life to write them, and Anna was loving enough to make me an author. More dramatically, she said "the baby is dying; be my Valjean." And then we sang a duet with cameras up our noses, mouths quivering.

Don't worry, I'm not going to let her get away with not writing posts, like that quitter Fantine.

I am also Javert, I guess, and will stalk her to the ends of this earth. On that ominous note, hopefully we can get some new posts up here in time for Oscar season. Apparently, starting with Les Miz, as I have stretched this metaphor as far as it can go. Movies!

11.13.2012

Guest (But Let's Be Real She is the Only One Keeping This Thing Alive) Post: Sunset Boulevard

Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]
William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!
[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]
William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!
Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.
[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]
Fancy Producer: Eh…..
Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.
William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.
[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]
William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.
[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]
William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.
Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.
William Holden: Eh?
[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]
Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?
William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*
Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*
[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]
Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.
[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]
William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.
Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.
William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.
[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]
Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.
William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.
[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]
Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.
Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.
William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.
Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.
William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?
Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.
William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.
Audience: No duh, Holden.
William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.
Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[he LEAVES to go  PARTY with NORMAL people]
Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.
William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.
Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.
William Holden: Shit.
Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.
William Holden: Oh, SHIT.
[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]
Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.
[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]
Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?
[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]
Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!
[meanwhile, OUTSIDE]
William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.
Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!
William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.
[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]
Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.
[there is a SLATHERING montage]
Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancĂ©. I love you, predictably.
[they MAKE OUT]
Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.
[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]
Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!
[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]
William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!
Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!
William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.
Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.
Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!
William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!
Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*
[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]
Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!
Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]
Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.
Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?
Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.
Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*
[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]




12.09.2011

Guest Post: My Week with Marilyn

Once again, Laura McClain picks up the slack where I have let it fall. Also I had NO idea Emma Watson was in this AT ALL until I read this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1956]
Freckled Youth: Jolly good. Though my family is rich and I literally live in a castle, I have decided that I want to shame them and go into the movie business.
His Dad: Good luck, son. FYI, you can come back to a boring research job when your stupid dream is dead.
[he GOES to LONDON to try to WORK for Laurence Olivier's PRODUCTION COMPANY]
Freckled Youth: Cheerio! I'd like a job, sir! It's fine if it's unpaid, for I am a rich boy!
Olivier Lackey: Hmph! No jobs in the movie business here!
Freckled Youth: No worries! I'll just wait in the office until a job comes along.
[he WAITS on a LEATHER COUCH and FETCHES Noel Coward's PRIVATE NUMBER to show his PLUCK]
Kenneth Branagh: Hello! Though I am a celebrated Shakespearean actor, I am an astonishingly poor choice to play Olivier.
Julia Ormond: I'm worse! You won't even realize I'm playing Vivian Leigh until it's expressly stated. Hello, my boy. We know your parents. Give him a job on your movie, Larry.
Kenneth Branagh: Right-o! You are now third assistant director, sort of due to your pluck, but mostly due to nepotism. I am getting ready for a new movie, starring.....MARILYN MONROE.
Freckled Youth: Guhhhhhhhhhh.
Assistant Director of the Movie: You will be my bitch on this film! Do as I say!
Hermione Granger: I work in the costume shop and will not date you!
Freckled Youth: Please?
Hermione Granger: OK.
[they GO on a DATE and it is BORING]
Kenneth Branagh: Come to the airport to greet Marilyn.
[a MILLION flashbulbs GO OFF, BLINDING the MOVIE AUDIENCE]
Michelle Williams: Why hello! Boo-doo-dee-doop!
[she CHARMS everyone at a PRESS CONFERENCE]
Freckled Youth: She's amazing.
Michelle Williams: I am adorably damaged, like a sexy baby. Here is my acting coach. She's basically around to soothe my fears. I sure have a lot of them!
[her ACTING COACH gives her METHOD line readings at a TABLE READ, REMINDING everyone how DUMB method acting is]
Michelle Williams: I am too damaged by life to learn my lines or be punctual.
Judi Dench: I get to be nice in this movie. Everything you're doing is perfect, Marilyn. You are perfect. Let me kiss your fine, fine ass.
[Marilyn FUCKS UP a LOT and Branagh is ANNOYED]
Kenneth Branagh: What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is she always twelve hours late to everything? Go get her, freckled youth.
[he SEES her NAKED and is all "guhhhhhh" AGAIN]
Michelle Williams: I am wounded! My husband is writing a cruel character based on me. LITTLE GIRL LOST!
Arthur Miller: Blerg. I'm going back to America. You deal with her, Freckles.
Freckled Youth: And how!
[they BEGIN an INNOCENT friendship CONSISTING of CONSTANT praise on Freckles' PART]
Michelle Williams: I don't understand this character! How can I play her??
Kenneth Branagh: Darling, just be sexy! Isn't that what you do?
[she FLIPS OUT]
Michelle Williams: Everyone here hates me because they love me, but they don't really love me and they hate me. Or something. Life is so hard for Marilyn Monroooooe. I can't even go shopping.
[this is TREATED like the TRAGEDY it is]
Hermione Granger: So I guess we're not dating anymore?
Freckled Youth: Um....kind of trading up.
[he and Marilyn have a GLORIOUS day of VISITING castles and boarding schools where she LOOKS at PAINTINGS and SHAKES her ASS for the COMMON folk]
Michelle Williams: I feel so free! Let's swim naked for exactly two minutes!
[he GETS a WATER boner]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. She's much better on set.
Acting Coach: Marilyn is wigging out again.
[she WEEPS a LOT and TAKES more PILLS and STARES FORLORNLY at THINGS]
Freckled Youth: I love you, Marilyn. I want to take care of you.
Michelle Williams: My mother was in an institution. Here is a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I pretend he is my father, cause i don't know who my father was. Also I am smart based on this copy of Ulysses on my nightstand. I AM ALL THINGS.
[she PASSES OUT]
Everyone in the Movie: She will BREAK YOUR HEART.
Freckled Youth: Everything will be fine!
Michelle Williams: I lost a baby! Maybe? Nobody will ever discuss this again!
[she WEEPS and is CATATONIC some more]
Kenneth Branagh: Well, we finished the movie. Arthur Miller is coming back to pick up his wife. Bad luck, old chap.
Freckled Youth: Maybe she still loves me? Or something?
Michelle Williams: I don't. But thanks for taking pity on me and then building up my self-esteem, though that is pretty much impossible.
[he CRIES and everyone is like "duh"]
Michelle Williams: Bye! I will kiss you, which is kind of mean.
[he and Branagh WATCH CLIPS of the movie, which LOOKS genuinely TERRIBLE]
Kenneth Branagh: Haha. She's the greatest actress ever. I hate her. What a week, right?
Freckled Youth: Week?

10.17.2011

The Skin I Live In


[it is TOLEDO 2012]
Vera: I do my yoga. I wear a bodysuit. I make folk art. I am very beautiful. But I am a prisoner. Or maybe I am crazy? No one is sure yet.
Marilia: Si. Here is some food in the dumbwaiter for you, since I cannot enter your room.
[it is a MEDICAL CONFERENCE]
Antonio Banderas: I made some super skin and also I am super sexy! Okay, but seriously, this skin is crazy. It can't be burned, and it's impenetrable to mosquitoes.
Colleague: Hold on...how did you test this skin?
Antonio Banderas: On...uh...mice.
[meanwhile, at his GORGEOUS COMPOUND]
Antonio Banderas: Can you feel this blowtorch?
Vera: No.
[she CUTS herself with PAPER because she is not allowed ANYTHING SHARP]
Antonio Banderas: Your skin is so soft.* Now I will repair you again, to be so, so beautiful.
Marilia: You know she looks just like your dead wife, right?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no she doesn't.
[there are MANY SHOTS of BEAUTY]
Antonio Banderas: Fire all the servants. It's just you now, Marilia. BRB.
A Man Dressed as a Tiger: Let me in! I'm your son! It's Carnevale, so it's okay that I'm dressed as a tiger.
[he shows his BUTT MOLE to prove it]
Marilia: Oh, my little tiger!*
[she LETS HIM IN]
Zeca, the Tiger: Hey mom. I'm back. Can I just hang out here for a while? No reason.
Conveniently-Placed News Report: Security cameras captured footage of the jewelry heist earlier today.
[it is ZECA, robbin' shit]
Zeca: Aw jeez. Now I have to tie you up so you don't call the cops.
[he sees VERA on the SECURITY TV and LICKS her image and it is REAL CREEPY]
Zeca: Where is she! Where is the key to that room with that beautiful woman in it!?
[he FINDS her and they FIGHT but then he KISSES her]
Zeca: I thought you were dead! When I left, you were on fire!!
Vera: Uh....
Zeca: Okay, well, let's have sex.
Vera: Uh...........
[he RAPES her but Antonio Banderas gets home JUST IN TIME and fucking SHOOTS him]
Marilia: There's a LOT of blood here. These stains will never come out!!
Vera: So, uh, what was that about?
Marilia: Okay, so I know up to this point everything has been very subtle and slightly confusing but in that nice "you figure it out" kind of way? Well, let's leave that to the side for a moment and just straight EXPOSIT some shit. First of all: you look like the dead wife, who had an affair with and also ran away with my son Zeca. Also, Antonio Banderas is my son, but he doesn't know it. Also, his wife was burned in a car crash trying to run off with Zeca. Also, the wife killed herself in front of her daughter (they had a daughter), who also killed herself.
Vera: Whoa.
Marilia: I know.
Antonio Banderas: So...do you want to sleep with me tonight?
Vera: Okay.
[SIX YEARS EARLIER, in a VINTAGE STORE]
Vincente: I'm going to a wedding, you want to come? You should try this dress on.
Cristina: No! And I won't wear that dress. And also I am a lesbian.
Vincente: Maaaaaan! I can't get no play!
Vincente's Mom: Oh, Vincente! Stop pestering the lesbian!
Vincente: Fine, I'm out!
[the wedding is FANCY and SUMPTUOUS and BEAUTIFULLY SHOT]
Antonio Banderas: My daughter seems to be doing all right, even though they let her out of the loony bin to come to this wedding.
Norma: Ha ha! I'm not crazy! NOT CRAZY AT ALL.
Vincente: Who is that not-crazy girl over there? She fine.
[they go for a WALK in the WOODS]
Vincente: I am SUPER HIGH right now. Let's have sex!
[he CLIMBS around ON TOP of her]
Norma: Uhhhhh...
[she hears the SONG that she was SINGING when she saw her mother FALL to her DEATH]
Norma: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY MEMORIES!!!!!!
Vincente: Shit! This girl is now crazy. I better run!
Antonio Banderas: Mija! What happened?!
Norma: AAAAAAHHHH RAPIST!!!!
[she goes back to the CRAZY PEN]
Antonio Banderas: Are you okay?
[she WAILS and goes in the CLOSET]
Doctor: She thinks you raped her. You should probably stop coming to see her.
[she KILLS herself]
Antonio Banderas: She is dead because that kid at the wedding raped her. VENDETTA TIME.
Vincente: La, la, la, drivin' my scooter...hey!
[there is a SCARY VAN trying to RUN HIM off the ROAD]
Antonio Banderas in a Creepy Mask: Sedatives! BOOM. NOW YOU ARE KIDNAPPED.
[he LOCKS him in a CAVE]
Vincente: What is happening? Why am I in a cave?? What the hell???
Antonio Banderas: Here's some water, but no explanations.
[he keeps him CAPTIVE for a while, then CHLOROFORMS him]
Antonio Banderas: Hey, doctor friends. We have a secret surgery to do.
Colleague: Huh. Seems like a weird procedure.
Antonio Banderas: He knows exactly what he wants.*
[they OPERATE on him in the SECRET OPERATING ROOM]
Vincente: What...what happened?
Antonio Banderas: Oh, you have a vagina now.
Vincente: Wait...what?
Antonio Banderas: YA BURNT. DON'T RAPE PEOPLE'S DAUGHTERS.
Vincente: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit.
[Antonio Banderas performs MANY EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURES on him until he looks like THE DEAD WIFE]
Antonio Banderas: I can't keep calling you Vincente. You are too beautiful. I will call you Vera, a name FILLED WITH MEANING.
Vera: Well, I want to die.
[she SLITS her own THROAT]
Antonio Banderas: You can never get away from me. Look, I fixed your throat. Now you are my prisoner. My revenge is vast.
[it is the PRESENT]
Colleague: So, uh...I just noticed this story in the paper about this guy who disappeared six years ago - did you...did we turn him into a woman?
Antonio Banderas: No! No. Don't be silly.
Marilia: We have to kill her! EVERYONE KNOWS TOO MUCH.
Vera: But I promised never to leave him.
Antonio Banderas: She promised! See? Everything's cool. Take her shopping, would you?
Marilia: What? Okay.
[they go SHOPPING and Vera buys the DRESS that Vincente liked]
Vera: I have to go get the lube if you want to have sex with me, in my fake vagina, that you created.
Antonio Banderas: That is so fucked up. Go get it!
[she gets the LUBE but also A GUN]
Antonio Banderas: But you promised you'd never leave me.
Vera: I lied.*
[she just fucking SHOOTS HIM DEAD]
Marilia: What! My son!
Vera: I'm under the bed, bitch!
[she SHOOTS her too]
Vera: Now I am revenged for six years of torture, and also being made into a woman.
[s/he returns to the VINTAGE STORE]
Vera: Hey Cristina. I'm back.
Cristina: Bokayyyyyy. You fine.
Vera: I'm Vincente.
Vincente's Mom: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[FIN]