Holly Hunter: You're not hearing my speaking voice. This is my mind's voice. I don't talk. I mean, I can. I just choose not to. I am going to New Zealand to marry a man I have never met. I love my piano. It is my voice.
[she and her ILLEGITIMATE CHILD are SHIPPED OFF]
Captain: Okay, so here's all your stuff...we'll just leave you guys on the beach. Peace!
Anna Paquin: Mumma, what now?
[they build a TENT with a HOOP SKIRT]
Sam Neill: Hi. I'm your husband. Nice to meet you. This is my helper, Harvey Keitel. He is white, but lives among the Maori. You might notice that we are foils of each other - I of imperialism, and he of communing with nature. I hope that imagery is suitable to you.
Holly Hunter: [silence]
Sam Neill: Right, you don't talk. Okay, let's go. We'll have to leave the piano.
Anna Paquin: She says we have to take it!! She signed it to me in our secret sign language.
Sam Neill: No, I'm sorry, my word is law.
[they take LITERALLY EVERYTHING but leave the piano on the beach]
Holly Hunter: [signs something]
Anna Paquin: Take us to the beach with the piano.
Harvey Keitel: No. I don't have time.
[he TAKES them ANYWAY because seriously what is keeping him so BUSY, he lives in a FOREST]
Holly Hunter: [plays a HAUNTING TUNE]
Harvey Keitel: This woman is so much more than I thought. I must possess her.
[he BARTERS some LAND for the PIANO so he can have it at his FOREST HOUSE]
Harvey Keitel: Now, teach me to play. But I don't actually need to play...just listen. Also, I might be doing stuff while you play. Sexy stuff.
Holly Hunter: [looks DISAPPROVING]
Harvey Keitel: Okay, I'll sell the piano back to you. One key per lesson.
Holly Hunter: [touches her BLACK dress]
Harvey Keitel: Okay, one black key.
(Note: at this point, I seriously paused the movie for like 6 minutes calculating how many black keys were on a piano based on the total number of keys and the distribution of black and white keys. I probably could have Googled it, but my couch is very comfortable. For the record, I guessed it would be 51/37, it is 52/36.)
Holly Hunter: [nods in ASSENT]
[they have a SUCCESSION of INCREASINGLY SEXY lessons]
Harvey Keitel: She is so wonderful! I can't stop thinking about her. I'll just polish her piano in the nude while she is gone.
[the TOWN has a PLAY and they ask him to play PIANO since he's getting "LESSONS," but he claims to be SHY]
Sam Neill: He STILL can't play?!? She goes there like ALL the time!!
Anna Paquin: La, la, la...perhaps I shall look inside the house of the piano lessons.
[she SEES them NAKED and is SCANDALIZED]
Sam Neill: Where has your mother gone?*
Anna Paquin: TO HELL!!!!!*
Sam Neill: Oh, really? My suspicions are now as aroused as my sideburns are attractive.
[he SEES them BONING and is IRATE and BOARDS up the HOUSE]
Harvey Keitel: Whyyyyyy?!? I shall return the piano, for I care for her so much.
Sam Neill: Okay, I'm going on a trip. You're not going to go visit your mountain man lover out there, are you? ARE YOU?
Holly Hunter: [shakes her HEAD]
[she writes on a PIANO KEY and gives it to her DAUGHTER to take to her LOVER]
Anna Paquin: I don't know what this is, but when I get to that very obvious fork in the road, I am going to take the one that goes to my stepfather instead of to my mom's boyfriend. My loyalties have now shifted.
Sam Neill: Nooooooooooooooo!! She is sending missives via her daughter!
[he RETURNS and HACKS off Holly Hunter's FINGER with an AXE and sends it via the DAUGHTER to the LOVER, which is basically the WORST ERRAND EVER]
Holly Hunter: I'm freakin' out!!
Sam Neill: Wait, you don't talk! How am I hearing you??
Holly Hunter: You are hearing my thoughts.
Sam Neill: Witch! Or something! Get out of here!
Harvey Keitel: Sweet, let's go. We can take the piano, for only I know how important it is to you, unlike your capitalist pig of a husband.
[they LOAD the piano on to, like, a CANOE, but somehow it DOES NOT SINK]
Holly Hunter: [writes on PAPER] Throw it overboard.
[they DO, and she gets CAUGHT in the ROPES and you're like SHIT SHE'S GONNA DIE but then she DOESN'T]
Holly Hunter: So now we live in a nice house and I teach piano and have a fake metal finger. It's pretty good.