Spencer

This one was kind of a toughie. I didn’t HATE it, but there were many times when I was like “BITCH JUST GO TO DINNER,” and then felt insensitive to Diana’s mental health struggles. Sometimes it’s hard to make ourselves do things that on the surface seem very easy! And I guess if she had actually GONE to dinner we wouldn’t have much of a movie, because about 90% of it is her psyching herself up to go to dinner and then not doing it. And the food didn’t look good, but still. Try to go to dinner, babe. This weekend will be over soon. 

***

[it is the EARLY 90s but ALSO some kind of DREAMLIKE ASTRAL PLANE]

KStew: Alas, it is time to attend the annual Windsor Family Christmas Extravaganza. And I’m lost, again. Symbolically. 
[she DRIVES in a CONVERTIBLE as her wig FLUTTERS in the BREEZE and STOPS to ask for DIRECTIONS, a PAINFUL reminder of LIFE pre-Siri]
KStew: Hello, can anyone tell me where your neighborhood castle is?
British Diner Patrons: [STARE in SILENCE]
KStew: Right-ho. 
[she HAPPENS UPON a scarecrow in a FIELD and STARES at it while LOOKING WOUNDED]
The Castle Chef: Hello, your highness. I’m just out on a quail-scavenging trip or something. Allow me to escort you to your weekend of good old-fashioned family togetherness.
KStew: Fuuuuuck.
Stern Butler: Ugh, it's you. Time for the annual Windsor Good-Time Eating Disorder Activator. One must gain three pounds this weekend. For the fun of it all. 
[she SITS on a SCALE because this FAMILY is TAILOR-MADE to TRIGGER her]
Sally Hawkins: Your highness! I have been assigned as your dresser again this Christmas. DO NOT LET THEM BREAK YOU. 
KStew: THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE
[she SEES a BOOK about Anne Boleyn in her ROOM which, is a real TROLL by the Royal Family]
Prince Chuckles: Happy Christmas Eve. Here are some pearls.
KStew. Thx I guess. 
The Entire Royal Family: [sits in judgmental silence]
[KStew IMAGINES DUMPING her pearls into her PEA soup and CHOMPING them up, which actually LOOKS like an IMPROVEMENT to that Nickelodeon SLIME MONSTROSITY]
Wills and Harry: Mummy! Happy Christmas!
[she GIVES them normal-kid PRESENTS which is NICE because they probably GET like, BREECHES and HAUNTED PALACES from their grandparents]
KStew: My childhood manor is right ‘round the bend. Perhaps I will go there, in the middle of the night. 
[she ALMOST gets SHOT by palace guards for her SKULKING]
[it is CHRISTMAS MORNING and she WEARS a HAT and LOOKS DOWNTRODDEN when she SEES Camilla]
Prince Chuckles: Can you maybe chill out a little and stop being late to everything and speaking in like, vague metaphors?
KStew: [SLAMS her HANDS on the pool table in IMPOTENT RAGE]
Prince Chuckles: I’m going to take our gentle sons pheasant hunting tomorrow morning to make them more like me.
Some Maid: I am here with yet more dresses for you to wear, ma’am. 
KStew: WHERE IS MY BFF SALLY HAWKINS, DON’T YOU SEE I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
Some Maid: Chuckles has sent her away. For your own good. And we’ve stapled  your curtains closed so no one can see in. Also for your own good. 
KStew: I simply can’t go to dinner, even in this amazing gown. They’ll kill me like they did Anne Boleyn! 
[she IMAGINES CUTTING her ARM with a SEAM RIPPER as the AUDIENCE SCREAMS]
Literally Everyone: Time for dinner. 
KStew: I CANNOT.
[she PUTS on the SCARECROW coat and GOES to her DUSTY CHILDHOOD home where she HALLUCINATES her YOUTHFUL self and CONTEMPLATES THROWING herself down the STAIRS which is her SIGNATURE MOVE]
Sally Hawkins: I’ve been called back because everyone knows you’re losing it like whoa. Let’s go to the beach. I am in love with you.
KStew: [LAUGHS with DELIGHT and it’s CUTE]

KStew: Knowing I am loved has given me confidence. I will rescue my children from the pheasant shoot! And put my yellow princess suit on that scarecrow in an astonishing act of symbolism! 

[she TAKES Wills and Harry to KFC in her SPORTS car and it’s a JARRING reminder that it’s the 90s and not OLDEN TIMES]

Elf

[it is the NORTH POLE]
Bob Newhart: Let me tell you a story about a human baby raised by elves.
Will Ferrell: I'm an elf!
[he is CLEARLY not an elf]
Some Other Elf: If he hasn't figured out he's not an elf by now, he never will!
Will Ferrell: What?!?! I'm not an elf?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Santa: Yes, you're a human. Your dad lives in New York City. He's on the naughty list.
Will Ferrell: Noooooooooooooooo!!! I still want to meet him, though.
Animated Narwhal: Have fun!
[he rides on an ICE FLOE and walks through the LINCOLN TUNNEL]
Will Ferrell: New York is crazy! Where's my dad?
James Caan: Grump grump grump! I'm a businessman! An angry one!
Will Ferrell: Dad! Dad! It's me!
James Caan: What? No, you are a crazy person dressed like an elf.
Will Ferrell: No, I'm an elf!!
[he SINGS him a SONG and it is ENDEARING]
Security Guards: Get out of here. Go back to Gimbel's!
[he DOES and they think he WORKS there and he is EXCITED about CHRISTMAS]
Boss Dude: Santa will be here tomorrow!
Will Ferrell: SANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I know him! I know him!!*
Zooey Deschanel: I hate Christmas.
Will Ferrell: You're so pretty!
Zooey Deschanel: I still hate Christmas, though. And I refuse to sing.
[Will Ferrell FINDS James Caan again]
James Caan: Okay, maybe you are my son.
[he has a PATERNITY TEST and it's ALL TRUE]
Will Ferrell: My finger has a heartbeat.
James Caan: Fine, you can come to work with me. But you'll have to go to the mailroom.
Will Ferrell: The mailroom?! Awesome!
[he gets DRUNK]
Will Ferrell: Your house is fun!
[he makes SPAGHETTI with SYRUP and it is GROSS]
Little Brother: You're weird.
[they get in a SNOWBALL FIGHT and WIN]
Little Brother: Okay, I like you now. Why don't you ask that girl on a date?
Will Ferrell: Okay!
[he takes her to a bunch of RANDOM PLACES and they go ICE SKATING and it is CUTE]
James Caan: My business is failing! We need to call in another author!
Peter Dinklage: I'm here to save your business.
Will Ferrell: Look! An elf!
Peter Dinklage: Oh HELL no! You did NOT just call me an elf!
[they FIGHT and Will Ferrell is BANISHED]
Santa: Oh no! My sleigh has crashed in Central Park! I need the help only an elf can provide...or an elf raised by humans.
Will Ferrell: I can help you!
Little Brother: It's the real Santa! Look, I can prove it with his magic book!
Zooey Deschanel: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!* So let's sing, everyone!
[they DO and Christmas is SAVED]
Will Ferrell: Hooray! Now let's go live at the North Pole.
Zooey Deschanel: Awesome!
[she gets a PINK elf outfit and they have a BABY]

It's a Wonderful Life

Yes, I'm aware that this is a movie typically associated with a particular season, one we're not actually officially all up in yet (though Duane Reade has had Christmas candy for, like, weeks). But I just had to watch this for an assignment, and I forgot how totally awesome it is. A couple of things:
- I basically started weeping immediately
- Donna Reed is way pretty
- "Buffalo Gals" may be officially the most difficult song to extract from your brain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the UNIVERSE]
A Galaxy: Uh-oh! Looks like some human trouble a-brewin'. Get one of those angels, second class and see if they'll go down and help him.
A Star: Hiya, boss! I'll go down and help this fella, if you promise I can get my wings when I do a good job!
A Galaxy: Well, sure, Clarence! But first, you'll need to learn about this guy you're going to help. What say we spend almost the entire movie getting to know him?
[it is EARLIER in the OLDEN DAYS]
L'il Harry Bailey: I fell in icy water!
L'il George Bailey: I'll save you! I am a good guy!
[his EAR gets FUCKED UP as a result]
Old Pharmacist: I accidentally put poison instead of good medicine in this bottle!
L'il George Bailey: I didn't deliver it, because I know you are a good man.
L'il Violet: Hiiiiiiiiii Geoooorggggge.
[she SMILES in a sort of DISTURBINGLY ADULT WAY at him]
L'il Mary: George, I'm going to talk in your deaf ear and tell you that I love you forever!
[some years LATER]
Jimmy Stewart: I'm going to see the world!! But first, I'll go to the dance at the high school.
Donna Reed: Hey. I'm grown-up now. And hot.
[they CHARLESTON]
Some Random: He's dancin' with my girl! Right over the conveniently placed crack in the floor that opens up to the swimming pool!
[he OPENS the FLOOR and HILARITY ensues]
Jimmy Stewart: So, can I walk you home? I did get you a bathrobe.
Donna Reed: Okay. But only if we can sing "Buffalo Gals" and throw rocks at the old house and make wishes on it.
[they DO, and she accidentally gets NAKED]
Jimmy Stewart: I cannot impress enough that I really, really want to get out of this town.
Harry Bailey: Our dad had a stroke! Come on!
[Jimmy Stewart gets ROPED INTO staying on at the BUILDING AND LOAN otherwise the BAD GUY will take it over]
Potter: You and your morals!!! I'll get you yet, Bailey!!!!
[FOUR YEARS pass]
Harry Bailey: I'm back from college! And married! Woo hoo!
Mrs. Bailey: Oh, and George - Mary's back from college too. Maybe you should go visit her. Just a suggestion. A strong suggestion.
[he DOES]
Donna Reed: Hooray! You're here!
Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. In lame old Bedford Falls.
Donna Reed's Mom: That other suitor is on the phone for you!
[they BOTH talk to the OTHER SUITOR while being EXTREMELY HOT for each other]
Jimmy Stewart: I am so torn between my love for you and my desire to travel the world! I will kiss you and see if that helps matters.
[it DOESN'T, and they get MARRIED]
Jimmy Stewart: We've got so much honeymoon money! This is gonna be AWESOME!!
[there is a RUN on the BANK]
Jimmy Stewart: Everybody just settle down!! Your money's not here! You clearly have a basic misunderstanding of how banking works! I could try to explain it to you, but it's easier to put it this way: your money's in Joe's house!
Angry Mob: Oh! We understand now!
[they use the HONEYMOON MONEY to SAVE the BUSINESS]
Donna Reed: I bought us a dilapidated house and decorated it with posters! Aren't I charming?
[BERT and ERNIE sing a SONG]
Jimmy Stewart: This is better than traveling the world! Okay, maybe not, but my wife is totally awesome, though we are poor.
Potter: If you worked for me, you'd make a lot more money...
Jimmy Stewart: No way! I have integrity! Which is way better than money! Suckaaaa!
[some MORE YEARS pass, and they build a HOUSING DEVELOPMENT, and have some BABIES, and WWII happens]
Jimmy Stewart: My life is sweeeeeeeeet. Everyone loves me, I build awesome houses, I have a super-hot wife who basically built me a house, and four totally awesome kids.
Uncle Billy: I lost $8000.
Potter: Muhahahahaaaaa! Now the Building and Loan SHALL BE MIIIIIINE!!!
Jimmy Stewart: [complete freakout]
[he goes to the RIVER in a DRUNKEN STATE and is considering SUICIDE, which is really pretty DARK]
Clarence: Save me! I fell in the river you were thinking of drowning yourself in!
Jimmy Stewart: My sense of morality is too strong. I must save this stranger.
Clarence: Thanks. I'm your guardian angel, by the way. Please don't kill yourself, or I won't get my wings.
Jimmy Stewart: What the fuuuuuuck?
Clarence: Ho ho ho. You must be so confused. But seriously - don't kill yourself.
Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I wish I was never born.
Clarence: Okay. Done.
[they WALK AROUND and see how SHITTY the town is without GEORGE BAILEY]
Jimmy Stewart: Oh...maybe my life is worth living after all.
Donna Reed: You're home! I hope your psychotic break is cured! And look! All our neighbors brought us a ton of money to cover the missing $8000!
[a BELL RINGS]
Adorable Child: Teacher says, every time a bell reeengs, an angel gets his weeengs.*
[everyone is HAPPY and CHRISTMASY]

Holiday in Handcuffs

[it is NEW YORK CITY]

Melissa Joan Hart: I am an artist! I work as a waitress to support my painting! My parents don’t understand! Boo hooo hoooooo!

Markie Post: Hi, sweetie, it’s Mom, just calling to pressure you into living the life we want you to live, and reminding you that I’m a control freak. Don’t forget that interview your dad set up for you at a random company that will suck your soul. Then you can be successful like your sister and brother.

Melissa Joan Hart: Gah! Your phone call has caused me to leave in my home perm too long, though this is apparently 2007, so I’m not sure why I put in a home perm in the first place.

[she RUSHES to the interview, only to be VERY LATE and BARRED from coming in, though she WHINES a lot to try and CONVINCE the receptionist]

Melissa Joan Hart: Nooooooo!! This was my chance to live the life my parents want me to live! I guess I’ll just go work at my diner job. At least I have a boyfriend.

Her boyfriend: Oh, by the way, I only told you I’d come to your parents’ for Christmas so I could bone you. Later!!

Melissa Joan Hart: Whyyyyy?!?!? My life is a mess!! Wait, I know the BEST SOLUTION for this problem.

[she KIDNAPS a customer at GUNPOINT, though he has LARGE MUSCLES and could easily BEAT HER UP]

Mario Lopez: Hey! What are you doing? I was just about to propose to my girlfriend in a trashy diner, for reasons never ever explained.

Melissa Joan Hart: You’re coming with me! You have to pretend you’re my boyfriend! I’M NOT CRAZY!

[she successfully TIES HIM UP and BLINDFOLDS him, causing the GAS STATION MAN to think they are off for a KINKY WOODLAND ADVENTURE]

Gas Station Man: Here, have some fuzzy handcuffs that I happen to have. Everyone loves kinky!

[they get to her PARENTS’, which is OBVIOUSLY out in the STICKS so no one can LEAVE]

Melissa Joan Hart: Hey, parents. My boyfriend sometimes likes to pretend he’s been kidnapped, so if he says anything of that nature, just laugh.

Her Parents: That sounds entirely plausible!

Mario Lopez: I’ve been kidnapped! Your daughter’s insane!

Her Parents: Oh, you!

[everyone’s KEYS and PHONES are hidden by the KEYMASTER, so no one can be DISTRACTED from the HOLIDAY CHEER or the LOVE, but Melissa Joan Hart KEEPS hers SECRETLY]

Mario Lopez: Give me your phone! I need to make a call!

Melissa Joan Hart: Never!!!! My best dish in Home Ec was beef tenderloin!*

[she SMASHES the phone with a MEAT TENDERIZER]

Mario Lopez: Dang!!

[he EVENTUALLY gets a phone from her BROTHER and calls his GIRLFRIEND, who calls the COPS after he convinces her he’s not LYING because SERIOUSLY who would BELIEVE that]

Mario Lopez: Ha HAAA! Now the cops are on their way, so I will be the best boyfriend ever instead of trying to escape and your parents will be all sad when they find out you’re crazy.

[he is GENERALLY ADORABLE]

Melissa Joan Hart: How glad I am that I kidnapped such an adorable man!

Mario Lopez: I am starting to like it here!

Melissa Joan Hart: My favorite Christmas was the one where my dad made the patio into an ice rink. Those were happier times, when my parents didn’t expect so much of me.

[the GRANDMA tries to LEAVE but Mario Lopez STOPS her so everyone KNOWS he is NICE]

Mario Lopez: In case you weren’t sure I am nice, here…I made the patio into an ice rink, just like your favorite Christmas. Also, I liked your paintings. Also, I will fake-propose to you to please your parents.

[Melissa Joan Hart SKATES and is CONFUSED by her FEELINGS]

Markie Post: Okay, time for dinner! No bombshells, now!

The Sister: I’m dropping out of law school and opening a Pilates studio!

The Brother: I’m gay!

Markie Post: I hate our marriage! I have to picture Clint Eastwood just to get through our annual birthday sex!*

The Dad: Me too! Just the marriage part, not the Eastwood part.

The Grandma: I’m drunk!!

[the COPS bust in and ARREST everyone for KIDNAPPING and they all go to JAIL]

Melissa Joan Hart: Sorry. Maybe this wasn’t the best solution after all.

[many MONTHS later]

Melissa Joan Hart: Hey! I have an art show!

The Brother: That’s awesome. Too bad you don’t talk to our family anymore.

[he SECRETLY invites them to the ART SHOW and everyone HUGS and meets the brother’s GAY BOYFRIEND and LOVE him]

Melissa Joan Hart: Oh, look. There’s a picture of the dude I kidnapped in the paper. Why do I have these FEELINGS???

The Mom: You should tell him. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for a man you kidnapped to show your parents that you’re not a loser. Nothing AT ALL.

[Mario Lopez SHOWS UP at the art show and “KIDNAPS” her in an ADORABLE way]

Mario Lopez: Look, I made this studio with my architecture skills. Now we can be creative and love each other.

[they KISS and it is WEIRD]