[it is SUBURBIA]
JoBeth Williams: Yes! We are a happy American family! Living in this new subdivision is pretty sweet.
[they do some FAMILY things like EAT BREAKFAST and yell at the DOG]
Craig T. Nelson: I'm off to work, honey! Have fun at home!
Son: I'm off to school!
Teenage Daughter: Me too! I'm pretty much always at a friend's house, so you won't see me much.
Carol Anne: Hi.
JoBeth Williams: What the...? I hope my daughter isn't crazy. She did just see me trying to flush her pet canary down the toilet, though. Perhaps she's just traumatized.
Carol Anne: They're heeeeee-ere.*
JoBeth Williams: Okay, maybe she's crazy.
[the KITCHEN CHAIRS get stacked on the TABLE and it is WEIRD]
Craig T. Nelson: I'm home!
JoBeth Williams: Honey! Come in here! I think we have ghosts! Isn't it awesome!?
[she shows him how the GHOSTS can move their DAUGHTER around in the KITCHEN]
Craig T. Nelson: Uh...no. Ghosts are not awesome. We'll figure this out in the morning.
[during the night, a TREE comes to LIFE and GRABS the SON from his BED and everyone is like SHIT but it's just a DISTRACTION so the ghosts can get the little GIRL]
JoBeth Williams: Where is she? WHERE IS SHE?
Carol Anne's Disembodied Voice: Mommy? Mommy?
Son: She's in the TV!
Craig T. Nelson: Okay, family, we'll figure this out. We have ghosts. We'll get through it. Together.
[the GHOSTS are TOO SCARY so they call some GHOSTBUSTERS who are NOT hilarious and DO NOT have PROTON PACKS]
Black Guy Ghostbuster: We've seen some pretty crazy things! One time, I recorded a matchbox car drive across a kitchen floor! It took seven hours. It was nuts!!
[JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson EXCHANGE a WRY GLANCE]
Craig T. Nelson: Well, get ready.
[they open the DOOR to Carol Anne's ROOM and it is COMPLETELY BONKERS inside and shit is flying EVERYWHERE]
Head Lady Ghostbuster: Oh. We feel sheepish.
Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Hey, when are you going to come back to work? The real estate development office just isn't the same without you. Also, check out the new place we're going to build. It's next to a cemetery, but we'll just move it.
Head Lady Ghostbuster: Um...can we get back to the ghosts in your house?
Craig T. Nelson: Right.
[they run some TESTS and some STUFF falls through the CEILING from another DIMENSION]
Head Lady Ghostbuster: Okay, so basically, there's these ghosts, right? And they're in your house, but in another dimension? And they want to go into the light to be in Heaven or whatever, but your daughter's life force looks like the light to them, so they're confused. Oh, and there's an evil spirit too, who is tricking her. So that's what we're dealing with. We might need to call in some backup.
[they bring in a PSYCHIC MIDGET, or what some people might call a SMALL MEDIUM]
Small Medium: Oh. Well, this is simple. We just have to send someone through the portal to the other dimension. Duh.
[they DO that, but Craig T. Nelson PULLS on the ROPE too soon and sees the EVIL SPIRIT and it is SCARY]
Small Medium: Nooooooooo!! Oh wait, it worked anyway. This house. Is clean.*
JoBeth Williams: My child! Though we are covered in spirit goo, I have you again. Now everything is fine. But we should probably move.
[she takes a SUSPENSEFUL BATH]
Clown Doll: Ha ha ha! I am alive!
Son: No! Scary clown!
Evil Spirit: Ha ha ha! I am also alive!
Carol Anne: Mommyyyyy!!
JoBeth Williams: Maybe they're in the pool we haven't finished building!
[she finds MANY CORPSES and it is WAY GROSS]
Craig T. Nelson: What's going on? What are all these corpses doing?!
Craig T. Nelson's Boss: Oh, hi! I was just stopping by to --
Craig T. Nelson: You moved the headstones! But you didn't move the bodies! YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES! YOU JUST MOVED THE HEADSTONES! AND NOT THE BODIES!!!*
[a SKELETON goes by]
JoBeth Williams: Get in the car! Everyone! Get the dog!
[the TEENAGE DAUGHTER rolls up and stands in the ROAD, screaming, for like WAY too long, considering that her HOUSE is basically a GHOST PLAYGROUND]
Craig T. Nelson: Let's get out of here! We're going to the Holiday Inn - and we're NOT keeping the TV in our room!!
[the house IMPLODES]