The Adjustment Bureau
[it is NEW YORK]
Matt Damon: Hello! I am handsome and also down-to-earth because I'm from Brooklyn and an orphan! I was the youngest congressman ever, and now I want to be your senator! Too bad I mooned my buddy at my college reunion...that's gonna hurt my chances.
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Dude, we'll get through this.
John Slattery: Take care of this, generically handsome black dude.
Anthony Mackie: I have a name! I was in The Hurt Locker and I also once played Tupac! But yes, I am definitely handsome. And I'm on this.
[they DO NOT take care of it, and Matt Damon LOSES the election]
Matt Damon: Aw man. I'm just gonna go rehearse my concession speech in the men's room.
Emily Blunt: Um, hi, hello, I'm in here, being super-pretty. And hiding from security.
Matt Damon: Uh...okay?
Emily Blunt: You're running for Senate, right? I liked when you mooned your friend. It made you seem like a person instead of a politician.
[they CONNECT and KISS and then she RUNS AWAY, literally, because SECURITY is after her]
Matt Damon: You know what? That pretty, possibly criminal lady in the men's room was right. I'm going to be EVEN MORE down-to-earth.
[he gives THE BEST SPEECH wherein he talks about FOCUS GROUPS for TIES and SHOES]
New York: Oh man, you are the best! We will vote for you another time!! But for now, you have to go have a job.
John Slattery: Okay, listen, Anthony Mackie. You have to make sure he spills his coffee on himself in Gramercy Park, or the plan is going to be messed up.
Anthony Mackie: I will do it!
[he FALLS ASLEEP, probably due to SHAKE SHACK FUMES, and Matt Damon makes the BUS]
Matt Damon: Oh, hello, same pretty lady from the bathroom. You are still really pretty and also I like you a lot.
Emily Blunt: Let's flirt in a charming way!
[they REALLY DO and it is CUTE and she gives him her NUMBER HAYYYYY]
Me: OH MY GOD they are on the M6 and it literally just drove by the movie theater we are in right now!!!! I AM IN NEW YORK AND SO IS THIS MOVIE
John Slattery: Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit he was not supposed to get her number!!!
Anthony Mackie: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt
[they FREEZE TIME in Matt Damon's OFFICE so they can make ADJUSTMENTS]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone, I'm -- bwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!
[he is KIDNAPPED into a BIG WAREHOUSE]
Matt Damon: What's going on here? I demand answers! I am important and handsome!!
John Slattery: Ah, but you forget: we are also very handsome.
Anthony Mackie: And we have dapper hats on.
Matt Damon: I don't care how many fedoras you have, I want the truth!!
John Slattery: You're a smart guy, I guess we can level with you. So...basically we are sort of like angels or something? We work for The Chairman, who might be God maybe? Anyway, we have these plans for every human, which are contained in Moleskine notebooks, and we need to keep your plan on track. You were not supposed to see that pretty lady again.
Matt Damon: But I love her, I think? Though I just met her?
John Slattery: NOPE. Not in the plan. And also you can't tell anyone about us or we'll reset you and everyone will think you're crazy. Move on with your life.
Matt Damon: I will never forget her. Never!!
[THREE YEARS pass]
Matt Damon: OMGGGG it's the pretty lady from three years ago!! Stop the bus!!
Emily Blunt: Um...so why didn't you call me?
Matt Damon: I lost your number! I swear! I've been taking the M6 every day for three years hoping to see you again!! Just come on a walk with me and have a chat.
[they take a "WALK" that starts in Union Square, then goes to the WEST VILLAGE, then apparently ends in CENTRAL PARK, which, hello, LOOK AT A MAP]
John Slattery: Dammit, Anthony Mackie! You are really bad at this job!
Anthony Mackie: This isn't my fault! He just ran into her. But now we have to make sure they don't kiss, or they will be difficult to separate, because life is very similar to fairy tales in that the kiss of true love is a thing that happens.
[they make MORE ADJUSTMENTS so that the kiss DOES NOT HAPPEN]
Emily Blunt: I'll see you at my dance studio, Cedar Lake!
Matt Damon: This time, I'm not going to lose her.
John Slattery: Oh yes you are!!!
[they try to THWART him for like EVER using their ADJUSTMENT POWERS, including fucking up his PHONE, fucking up ALL THE PHONES in a 3-block radius, and CRASHING a TAXI]
Matt Damon: Hey everyone in this restaurant? Has anyone been to a dance show at someplace called Cedar Lake?
Conveniently Placed Restaurant Patron: Why yes, crazy person! It's on 26th and 10th!
Matt Damon: Ha ha, angel guys! I win!!
[he FINDS the studio]
Anthony Mackie: Maybe they won't fall in love!
John Slattery: It's too late. He's already seen her dance.*
[they go back to the ADJUSTMENT BUREAU and do some RESEARCH in a bunch of FILE CABINETS]
John Slattery: Oh hey wait, this actually isn't your fault, Anthony Mackie. They ARE supposed to be together...or were, in many earlier versions of the plan. But not in the current version.
Anthony Mackie: I TOLD YOU. Wait...maybe the plan isn't always right.
[RECORD PLAYER SCRATCH]
John Slattery: No way. The plan is right. Let's call in the big guns.
Terence Stamp: I believe that would be me. After all...I'm British.
Matt Damon: British or not, you can't keep me from her! I SAW HER DANCE. Also we boned and that was pretty great too.
Terence Stamp: You do what you like. But know this: you could be president. And she could be a famous dancer. But not if you stay with her.
Matt Damon: Fuck you, man!!
[he RUNS to her DANCE STUDIO because no one ever accomplished ANYTHING except via RUNNING]
Terence Stamp: Just remember: we have all the power. We can go through doors as long as we are wearing our magic dapper hats. And we can do things like this.
[he uses his ADJUSTMENT MAGIC to sprain her ANKLE]
Emily Blunt: My livelihood!!!
Terence Stamp: Make your choice.
Matt Damon: I think deserting her at the hospital is better than ruining both of our dreams in the long run. I'll just go and not explain why.
[ELEVEN MONTHS later]
Campaign Manager/Best Friend: Uh, so, that pretty girl you were obsessed with? She's getting married.
Matt Damon: Shit! But I'm so far ahead in the polls! I'm on track to become Senator! And all I can think of is her.
Anthony Mackie: I can help you get back to her. Meet me on an island, since water makes it difficult for the adjustment angels to track your decisions for some reason. This also means that this plan will work best if it involves you running in the rain.
Matt Damon: And if I had one of your magic hats, I could move across the city quickly like you do!
Anthony Mackie: Yes! But only turn the doorknobs clockwise. Counter-clockwise is only for us.
Chekhov: I am gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissssssed if he does not eventually turn a doorknob counter-clockwise.
[Matt Damon RACES through the DOORS of the CITY to all different PLACES in the RAIN and ends up at the COURTHOUSE, where she is about to GET MARRIED]
Matt Damon: Don't marry him! You love me, not him!!
Emily Blunt: What the fuuuuuuck, dude! You desert me in a hospital with a sprain and then I never hear from you again? Why should I trust you!?!
Matt Damon: Well...we were meant for each other? Also I do have this dapper hat.
Emily Blunt: Okay, let's go!
[they RUN AROUND for a LONG TIME through many DOOR PORTALS and then are STUCK on Liberty Island]
Matt Damon: Hey Chekhov? I got you, buddy.
[he turns the doorknob COUNTER-CLOCKWISE]
[they RUN some more and end up on a ROOFTOP]
Both: Oh noooooo! Trapped! But we're together, so it's ok.
Terence Stamp: You fools! My Britishness has foiled you!!
Anthony Mackie: Wait! They're not fools! I have an order from The Chairman.
Matt Damon: Are...are you The Chairman?*
Entire Audience: LOL
Anthony Mackie: Haha, no, I am too fine to be The Chairman. But I've met him, and he gave me this message for you that he erased your plans! Now you get to do whatever you want!! I'm not super-sure how that works, since if every other human DOES have a plan and you don't, your involvement in their plans would necessarily be pre-determined...you know what? Never mind. Just live your lives and love each other.
Matt Damon and Emily Blunt: Okay!!
[they KISS, because although this SEEMS like an ACTION MOVIE, it is actually kind of a SAPPY ROMANCE]