P.S. I Love You

[it is CHINATOWN]
Hilary Swank: What are we doing with our lives? We live in Chinatown and have no kids and you keep rubbing it in my face with your hot Irish accent and brooding good looks!!
Gerard Butler: Ah, love, don't be frettin' about our lives - 'twill all come 'round! Ya just got ta stop buyin' them designer shoes!!
[she HURLS a variety of SHIT at him, BREAKING his SUSPENDERS]
Gerard Butler: Let's solve our problems by having amazing makeup sex.
[they DO]
Hilary Swank: Being married to you is awesome!!
[he DIES]
[no, seriously, he DIES, like, during the CREDIT SEQUENCE]
[it's REALLY WEIRD]
Kathy Bates: Thanks for coming to my bar for the Irish wake of my good-for-nothing son-in-law. Let's all have a shot of Jameson and I'll stop complaining about him, since he's dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: How did he die?*
Hilary Swank: Brain tumor.*
Harry Connick Jr.: NICE!* Uh, sorry, I have a condition that makes me rude. It's never really established if this is a real condition. Just go with it, I'm attractive.
Gina Gershon: Don't worry, your comic sidekick friends are here! We're too wacky to just be one sidekick! So there are two of us. Also, I am married to Spike from Buffy, I think.
Lisa Kudrow: We're so sorry your husband is dead! I'm still going to cruise this funeral, though, since I am a hilariously desperate single girl.
Hilary Swank: Thanks, friends. Now I will retreat into my apartment.
[she MOPES around for like THREE WEEKS because HELLO her husband just DIED]
Kathy Bates: Stop being depressed! He's dead, get over it. Also, happy birthday.
Nellie McKay: I'm your sister!
[a CAKE arrives from BEYOND THE GRAVE]
Gerard Butler [on tape]: Hello. Since I am dying, I have written you a series of letters and arranged a series of adventures for you, all designed specifically to make you remember our relationship in bits and pieces. It'll be fun, I promise.
Hilary Swank: You rascal!! You dead, dead rascal!
[she goes KARAOKEING because her dead husband told her to]
Hilary Swank: I remember the time we karaoked...sigh. Now you're dead.
Harry Connick Jr.: So...are we gonna get together or what?
Hilary Swank: Dead husband, remember? Totally hung up on him? Duh. But please keep hanging around pestering me until I finally give in, since persistence is the #1 trait in romance movies that women look for in a man.
[she and her GIRLS go to IRELAND, a trip her DEAD HUSBAND arranged]
Gina Gershon: He left me a letter!
Lisa Kudrow: Me too!
[it is actually KIND OF SWEET]
Hilary Swank: Well, let's go to the bar he said to go to.
[they see Jeffrey Dean Morgan and are all like DAMN HE FINE]
Gina Gershon: It's time for you to bone someone.
Lisa Kudrow: As your BFFs, it is our responsibility to get you laid. This is pretty true to life, actually.
[Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays a SONG that reminds her of her DEAD HUSBAND and she RUNS AWAY, thus negating the possibility of HOT BONING]
Lisa Kudrow: Aw crap!
[they go FISHING and FLAIL ABOUT because they are CITY CHICKS and lose their OARS and are STUCK in the LAKE]
Gina Gershon: Well, as long as we're sitting here: I'm pregnant.
Lisa Kudrow: And I'm getting married!
Hilary Swank: And my husband is dead. Thanks, you bitches.
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Hi. I just happen to be the lake...supervisor. I, uh, work on the lake. Or something.
Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow: Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!
[they get him back to their RENTAL HOUSE and HOPE for the BEST]
Hilary Swank: Look, I really like you, but kissing you...it's like trying on a pair of shoes that are really cute, but just don't fit.*
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Why not go barefoot a while?*
Hilary Swank: That metaphor...doesn't make sense. Oh well, let's fuck anyway.
[they DO, offscreen, because this movie is CLASSY]
Jeffrey Dean Morgan: Oh, by the way, I'm your dead husband's childhood BFF.
Hilary Swank: Whaaaaaaaaa? I must visit his parents now for this trip to be complete.
[they give her ANOTHER LETTER and she reads it in his FORT and WEEPS]
Gerard Butler: I remember when I met you, and you were quirky, and I loved you immediately, because that happens in the movies, and maybe also in Ireland, and I tried to trick you into kissing me by claiming a dog was a Wild Irish Dog, which when you think about it is pretty cute. P.S. I love you.
[she goes HOME, SAFE in the KNOWLEDGE that he LOVED her but still HUNG UP]
Hilary Swank: I know! I'll become a shoe designer!! Shoes solve all the world's problems.
[she NEGLECTS her friends and family to COBBLE all day long]
Lisa Kudrow: Bitch, I'm getting married and you're off fucking cobbling? What the fuck?!
Hilary Swank: Sorry. I made you some shoes as an apology.
Lisa Kudrow: All is forgiven! Ladies love shoes!!
Kathy Bates: I have the last letter for you. Oh, and even though I hated him, I still agreed to mail all the letters for him. Seriously, though, this one is the last one. Everyone dies alone. But in that, we're together.*
Harry Connick Jr.: Let's go to Yankee Stadium for some reason, since my uncle has access to it all the time.
Hilary Swank: I got a letter from my dead husband that says to stop being hung up on him, so now I'm not anymore. Wanna kiss now?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Okay!!
[they DO, and it is NOT HOT]
Harry Connick, Jr.: That was like kissing my sister! I guess we will just be friends, even after all that build-up. Hollywood, suck on that!
Hilary Swank: Wait, so I end up alone?
Harry Connick, Jr.: Well...no one wants to end up alone, because that is the worst thing ever. Maybe you and your mom can go to Ireland and presumably both find hot Irishmen!
Hilary Swank: Okay!!
[a JIG plays]