7.08.2009

The Hangover


[it is LOS ANGELES]
The Groom: Wooooo! I'm getting married! Time for me and my boys to get our bromance on!!
Bradley Cooper: Hell yeah! Hanging out with you other totally unlikeable dudes is the BEST! I hate children, but I am a teacher! My wife and kid are laaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Ed Helms: I have a bitchy girlfriend and no spine! Which is why I'm going to marry that bitch anyways.
Rachael Harris: That's right, you fucking pussy! Women are harpies!
Zack Galifianakis: [says something STRANGE but HILARIOUS]
[they go to VEGAS because they are BROS and do a JAEGER SHOT on the ROOF]
Zach Galifianakis: My wolfpack, it grew by one.*
[they WAKE UP]
Ed Helms: What happened? I am missing a tooth, which is crazy because I am a dentist, a fact that you will hear often. There is a tiger in the bathroom. And our groom is missing!! I am freaking out, because I am uptight and high-strung and my bitchy girlfriend will totally murder me! For everything! Why can't bros just be bros?
Bradley Cooper: Chill out, man. We'll figure it out. I'm handsome, so I'll be in charge.
Zach Galifianakis: You are handsome. Also, I roofied you guys. My bad.
[they find a BABY in the CLOSET and name it CARLOS]
Ed Helms: I will continue to freak out!!
[they go to a WEDDING CHAPEL and figure out that Ed Helms MARRIED a WHORE]
Ed Helms: Gahhhh!!
Bradley Cooper: No bigs, dude, just chillax. Check out my great hair.
Zack Galifianakis: You do have great hair.
[they get JUMPED by some ASIANS]
Heather Graham: Oh, hi! I'm a hooker with a heart of gold, because all women are whores or harpies! It's almost like Shakespeare! Ha ha! Thanks for bringing my baby back!
Ed Helms: Being with a whore is better than being with a harpy.
Bradley Cooper: Sweet, broseph.
Zach Galifianakis: [says something HILARIOUS but UNRELATED]
[they get ARRESTED because they stole a COP CAR earlier]
Rob Riggle: You punks think you can steal our car?! Well, my broadly drawn stereotypical big black lady partner has something to say about that.
Broadly Drawn Stereotypical Big Black Lady Partner: You ain't gonna steal our car. Not up in here!!*
Rob Riggle: NOT UP IN HERE!* See how I did that? I said the same thing she did, and it was funny, because I'm white and she is black. Now, let us tase you for the kids and we'll let you go.
[they DO and it is FUNNY because TASING is HILARIOUS?]
Bradley Cooper: Now to get the car back and find our buddy. Maybe he's in the trunk.
Nude Asian: Yahhhhhhh! I am in your trunk! And nude!
[they ENCOUNTER Mike Tyson, whose TIGER it is]
Mike Tyson: Bring back my tiger, or I will punch you some more.
[they DO, using the LEFTOVER ROOFIES to subdue the TIGER...for a WHILE]
Ed Helms: Oh man! The tiger is eating the car! Could anything wackier happen?
[the car gets T-BONED by the ASIANS from before, who are friends with the NUDE ASIAN, because they are all ASIAN]
Head Asian: We have your friend. Bring me my $80,000 and you can have him back.
Zach Galifianakis: Now I will use my math skills to win big at blackjack.
[he DOES, and they make the TRADE, but it is the WRONG GUY]
Black Guy Who is Not The Groom: Oh man, why do they call them roofies? You're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof.
Ed Helms: I have solved the mystery of where the groom is! He's on the roof!
[they FIND him and go SWIFTLY back to LA for the WEDDING]
Groom: Sorry I had such a bro-tastic time. I really do love you, since you're a total hottie. Hey! It's the bromance triumvirate! The harpy, the hooker, and the hottie.
Rachael Harris: I AM NOT A HARPY!!!
Ed Helms: YES YOU ARE!!!
[they BREAK UP, thankfully]
Bradley Cooper: Somehow, this weekend has made me realize that my wife and son are awesome. I'm not sure how.
[they find the CAMERA of their WILD NIGHT, which includes BLOWJOB pics]

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

You have outdone yourself on this one, truly.

Also, this movie sounds horrific.

Scott said...

Your write-up is hysterical, even though I totally disagree about the movie (thought it was a riot). And as much as I love to play the feminist card when it comes to Hollywood (women get worse on-screen treatment than any group, except for black women), I can't hold with your whores & harpies theory. Sure there's a whore and a harpie in the movie, but there's also Tracy, the bride, who, um... has two scenes. And then there's Phil's wife... who really isn't much of a character. Like at all...

Okay fine, you convinced me! THE HANGOVER is a chauvinist diatribe.

Movie Maven said...

Hahahaha - I actually should have put a disclaimer on this one: I did actually like the movie overall, and laughed a lot, but when I started writing the condensed version, I was like "Oh shit - the women in this are even worse off than the ones in I Love You, Man." So I stuck with that tack. But I still like some of the other bro-centric comedies better (Pineapple Express, for example, I could watch for days).

Laura said...

I am pleased that you didn't tag this one as "Hot Hot Men." Bradley Cooper really annoys the shit out of me.