Ellen Page: What’s the quickest way to establish that I am a Teen Rebel™? Besides using quirky catchphrases, I mean. I'm done with that, homeskillet.
Maeby Funke: Um…blue hair? At the beauty pageant your mom wants you to do?
Ellen Page: Sounds great. Bust out the Manic Panic.
[she REBELS against her STERN PARENTS via FASHION and ARMY BOOTS]
Marcia Gay Harden: You are not like me, a former beauty queen who now works as a mail carrier.** This makes me sad.
Daniel Stern: Remember me? Didn’t you love me in City Slickers? Well, I’m back, bitches!! Oh, and I’m your supportive dad.
Ellen Page: Whatever. Small-town life is boring. I work at a quirky restaurant with a guy who wears a bolo tie. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING UGH NO IT’S NOT I AM A SULLEN TEEN
Marcia Gay Harden: Let’s go to
[they go to a BONG STORE and MGH is SHAMED because of her LACK of BONG KNOWLEDGE]
Marcia Gay Harden: I cannot patronize an establishment that mocks me!
Ellen Page: Fine, I’ll buy these boots myself! And take this intriguing flyer that those hot, tattooed ladies just brought in…
[she is ENTRANCED by ROLLER DERBY]
Maeby: Fine. Go have fun with your roller derby. Just make sure you don’t do the clichéd things that everyone in every sports and/or “finding yourself” teen movie EVER does.
Ellen Page: Like what?
Maeby: Like a montage of learning to skate in hilarious places.
[there is a SKATE-LEARNING MONTAGE]
Ellen Page: Oops?
Random Hot Musician: Or falling in love with some dude and losing your virginity to him as some indie music plays.
Ellen Page: What about if we’re underwater? Will that help?
Random Hot Musician: Um…okay.
Juliette Lewis: Or lying about something crucial, and then accidentally revealing it to the antagonist, who can then use it against you.
Ellen Page: I’m actually only 17. Shit! I did it again!!
Eve: I’m also in this movie. My roller derby name is Rosa Sparks!! Because I’m black!
Drew Barrymore: I directed this movie, bitches!! And I always said if I directed a movie, there’d be a food fight.
[there is a HUGE FOOD FIGHT]
Ellen Page: Gosh, I’m really doing badly on this whole “avoid the clichés” thing. And now the big championship match and the pageant my mom wants me to do are on the same night! Who saw THAT coming!?
Everyone: We did.
Kristen Wiig: Even though I am really even-keeled and responsible in this movie, I am still totally funny! Sweet!
Ellen Page: I have learned some things. And I want to respect my mom, so I’ll do the pageant.
Daniel Stern: Fuck that!! I just earned the respect of my son-having neighbor with my kickass athletic daughter! She’s gonna fuckin ROLLER DERBY!!!
[the ROLLER DERBY TEAM shows up at the PAGEANT and there is HILARIOUS JUXTAPOSITION]
Drew Barrymore: Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Movies are awesome!!!
[they LOSE, but have FUN, which is the most IMPORTANT THING in