10.20.2008

The Duchess


[it is ENGLAND, in OLDEN TIMES]
Keira Knightley: Ha ha ha ha ha! Being an aristocrat is so very droll! Ladies, let us make a wager on these gentlemen as they race around our large estate for our amusement. I shall make a wager on that fine specimen there. My life is so free and easy! Ha ha!
The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: I shall win for you, my lady.
[meanwhile, in the SUMPTUOUS HOUSE]
Ralph Fiennes: I'd like to marry your daughter, please. And she needs to give me a son. Stat. I'll even pay her once she has delivered me one.
Charlotte Rampling: How lovely. My daughter. A whore. But a legitimate whore!
[Keira Knightley's FACE is shown in CLOSE-UP for like A YEAR]
Ralph Fiennes: Now, to the business of making me a son.
[he DISROBES her by CUTTING her DRESS and they BONE, in an EXTREMELY AWKWARD fashion]
Keira Knightley: My. Being a duchess is difficult, as I am a high-spirited and intelligent lady. Here, let me prove it.
[she SASSES some POLITICIANS at a DINNER and GAMBLES a lot and wears FABULOUS clothes]
Society: Oh, we love her! And her fashions.
Ralph Fiennes: We're going to take in this child. I have spoken my decree.
Keira Knightley: Is this your bastard child? Well, whatevs, I will love her anyway. Also, I will soon have a son for you!
[she has a BABY, but it is ONLY A GIRL]
Keira Knightley: I love you anyway, baby. I love you so much I will name you after me. But when I have your sister, I will call her Harryo, which is not really a real name.
[SIX YEARS LATER, they go to a PARTY in BATH, because that is LITERALLY all they did back then]
Keira Knightley: Oh. Hello there. I saw my rakish husband speaking with you just now. Was he asking you for a roll in the hay?
Lady Bess: Oh, no, he just asked me to dance.
Keira Knightley: Ha ha! I'm sure he wanted more than just a dance, especially with those bosoms. What say you and I be best friends?
[they are BFF, like, INSTANTLY]
Lady Bess: I have nowhere to live!
Keira Knightley: Live with us!
[they MAKE OUT a little bit]
Ralph Fiennes: Hmm. Since my wife apparently does not enjoy intercourse with me, I shall sleep with her slutty friend with the incredible rack.
[they get CAUGHT]
Keira Knightley: I shall shout at you, because the louder I shout, the better I act! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???
Lady Bess: Look, we weren't trying to hurt you. Why don't we all just live here together? Hmm?
[that is ACTUALLY what they DO]
The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: Oh. Hey. I'm back in the picture now, and I still love you.
[they BONE, but in a HOT way]
Ralph Fiennes: End this affair!
Keira Knightley: No!
Ralph Fiennes: This will be the mistake of your life!*
Keira Knightley: No, I made that mistake many years ago.* BURNNNNNN!!!
Ralph Fiennes: Fine, then I'll prevent you from seeing your kids.
Keira Knightley: Noooooooo!!
[she gets DRUNK and sets her WIG on FIRE]
Ralph Fiennes: Please put Her Grace's hair out.*
The Boyfriend from Mamma Mia!: GEORGIANA!!! GEORGIANA!! I'M IN THE HALL! COME OUT HERE!
Keira Knightley: Look, I'm pregnant with your child, but this is all super-scandalous. I'm going away to the country.
Lady Bess: I'm coming with you. If you'll have me. Since I basically stole your husband.
Keira Knightley: We're cool.
[she gives BIRTH but has to give the BABY to her BABY DADDY'S family to avoid a SCANDAL]
Society: Welcome back! We have missed your fashions.
Keira Knightley: And I have missed your adoration. And my wigs.
Title on screen: Everything turned out all right for everybody, considering how fucked-up the whole love triangle thing was. Lady Bess married the Duke after the Duchess died. And the boyfriend from Mamma Mia! became Prime Minister* eventually.


*of hottness

1 comment:

Laura said...

I liked this movie. The three-way thing was super fucked up though. I kept saying "SO WEIRD!" very loudly at the TV, which is lame, cause I was alone. Also, Ralph was surprisingly cut in the awkward dress-cutting scene. Rar.