Broadway Extra: Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark

I have never done a review of anything but a movie on this site, but this shit cost more than a lot of movies to make, so we're making an exception.
[it is A PLACE]
Geek Chorus: Hi! We're the geek chorus!
Girl Geek: I'm a girl! What!
Geek Chorus: We're here to try and serve the purpose of making this some sort of parallel universe to the already-established Spider-Man universe. Will it work? Probably not! Let's sing about it!
Girl Geek: But what about Arachne?!?!
Geek Chorus: Uhhhhh...I'm not super-sure how that's related but ok.
Arachne: I want to die because Athena was mean to me!
[she HANGS herself, I guess]
Peter Parker: ...and that's the story of Arachne. She became a spider!
Bullies: Nerd!! You gave a report and are a nerd. Also you are not wearing yellow, nerd!!
Peter Parker: Guys, please don't beat me up! Especially not while dancing!!
[they DO that, and the dance-fighting is FINE but the song is called "Bullying by Numbers" which is NOT A THING/PHRASE]
Mary Jane: Sorry your life sucks. Mine does too! We live in Queens!
Peter Parker: Really?! Can we sing a super-self-pitying song about it? Together, but separately?
Mary Jane: As long as I can sing real high!
MJ's Dad: I am terrible, but fortunately you'll never see me again!
Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Are we characters? Not really! I guess we don't understand teenagers!
Peter Parker: Oh man my life sucks so hard!! I don't even really have a plan to get out of it. Oh well!
[meanwhile, at a SCIENCE PLACE]
Norman Osborn: Listen up, science team. I've given you all silver coats to look extra-sciencey, and I'm southern for some reason, but don't let that distract you from our real goal: something!
Emily Osborn: Yes! Goals!
Science Lackey: There are some high school students here to tour the lab!
Norman Osborn: Great, that's not unsafe at all! Bring them down here.
[they do a NUMBER about "doing it to yourself" because it's a DIY WORLD]
My Friend Deborah: I think a fair amount of teenage boys are already doing it to themselves.
Emily Osborn: The spider. SHE'S MISSIN'!!!!* WHY ARE WE SOUTHERN?!
Spider: I am a cool puppet and going to bite you!! Hahahahaha!
Peter Parker: Oh no! I feel different!
[he wakes up on the CEILING of his ROOM, which has WALLS that MOVE]
Peter Parker: Oh man, I'm awesome now! I'm bouncing off the walls! Literally!
[he sings a song called "Bouncing Off the Walls" that MAY or MAY NOT have other lyrics]
Geek Chorus: Now he needs a suit!
Girl Geek: Boys can't sew, haha! Gender roles.
[Peter Parker appears in a "HILARIOUSLY" terrible outfit]
Peter Parker: Now I will wrestle this inflatable wrestler and win some money! Yes!!
[he DOES, and it is SORT OF FUNNY]
Announcer: He's going Sunday, Bloody Sunday on his opponent!* U2 LOL
Bully: Oh no! My car is being stolen!
Peter Parker: I ain't care!
Uncle Ben: Oh no! I got run over and am dying! Peter, with great power comes...wait, that's dumb. Rise above! RISE ABOVE!!!
Peter Parker: Rise above what? That doesn't make any sense!
Arachne: Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
[she gives him his SPIDEY SUIT because she is good at WEAVING or something]
Peter Parker: Hooray! Now I will stop bad guys!!
[he DOES, while FLYING using TECHNOLOGY]
Bad Guys: We have big, papier-mache looking heads! Are we incongruous with the rest of the show? Yes! But do we look cool?! Sort of!
[a HUGE HAND of Spider-Man catches a HUGE BABY]
J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? I hate him! For no reason! Get me pictures!!!
Norman Osborn: That guy stole my spider!
The Military: Yes, and you must get to work on your new research!
Norman Osborn: Why?
The Military: We don't know, but here is a song!
[they MARCH while wearing BOOTY SHORTS]
Norman Osborn: Those booty shorts have convinced me! I must experiment on myself!
Emily Osborn: No! Don't!
Norman Osborn: But our life will be better! Let me convince you through song!
[he gets into a PLASTIC BALL that cost FIVE MILLION DOLLARS and becomes the GREEN GOBLIN]
Emily Osborn: I died somehow!!!
J. Jonah Jameson: Reporters, what's going on?
Reporters: We will tell you, but not show you! It's just like Greek drama - boring!
[the TYPING POOL swivels on their ROLLING CHAIRS, though it is 2011 and there ARE NO TYPING POOLS]
Spider-Man: I am the best!
Norman Osborn: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I'll get you, Spider-Man!
[he DOES, and they FIGHT in the SKY and there is a PIANO]
Peter Parker: I'll save you, Mary Jane!
[he DOES, and the Green Goblin DIES]
Geek Chorus: Wait, so now that he's dead, how does our story continue? More villains, I guess?
Girl Geek: Yep, that'll be Act Two!
Arachne: What about me?
Geek Chorus: Oh yeah, you too! Everybody in the pool!!
Geek Chorus: Swiss Miss? Who the fuck is that?
Girl Geek: I just made her up!*
Geek Chorus: You can't do that!*
Girl Geek: I JUST DID.* And named her after a hot chocolate, bitchessssssss
[a RASTAFARIAN with a BUCKET DRUM appears]
Rastafarian: [singing] Spider-Man!!!!
Peter Parker: It's taking up too much time to be Spider-Man AND do all my jobs AND be with Mary Jane, who has apparently shot to stardom on Broadway in just one year. I need a nap.
Arachne: Hello, Spider-Man. I'm your dream girl. Like, I am literally in your dream. Turn off the dark.
Peter Parker: What does that mean?!
[they MAKE OUT in the SKY]
Mary Jane: I can't do this anymore, Peter!
Peter Parker: No, wait!
Arachne: I made that for you!!!!!
[she sings about how she is PISSED, maybe? there are SPIDER LADIES that are pretty cool]
Peter Parker: Ah, not being Spider-Man is the best!
Green Goblin: I'm back!!
Peter Parker: But I killed you!
Green Goblin: No you didn't! Look, all the villains are alive again!
[they go on a RAMPAGE that is largely VIDEO-BASED]
Peter Parker: Marry me, MJ!
Mary Jane: Um, what, okay?
Arachne: Oh hellllllllll no! What does she have that I don't have? Two legs and a pair of shoes?* BRING ME ALL THE SHOES
[they LITERALLY do a number about SHOES]
Sexy Spider Ladies with Eight Legs: A freak like me needs company!* Ladies be lovin' shoes!! LOL
Peter Parker: Okay, I am going to be Spider-Man again somehow. But I lost my powers! But I will still defeat the villains!
[he DOES, inexplicably]
Peter Parker: How did that all happen?
Arachne: It was ILLUSIONS!!!!
Peter Parker: So...all of Act Two was a dream? Fuck you, Arachne.
Arachne: Haha! I have Mary Jane! Now you must marry me or I will kill her!
Peter Parker: Don't kill her! I love her! I will be yours if you just let her go!
Arachne: Wait, I just decided just now that you can never truly be mine, since you love her, though I already knew that you loved her. So I will let you both go! But please kill me!
Peter Parker: I can't kill you!! I am too moral!
Arachne: Somehow your refusal to kill me broke a curse I had on me! Now I can die in peace. If you're a woman, you should either be married or dead. Goodbyeeeee!!
[she ASCENDS on a NOOSE]
Mary Jane: Hooray! Now you can be Spider-Man again!
Peter Parker: Yes, that solved everything, apparently!!!
[they KISS UPSIDE-DOWN like in the MOVIE]
Geek Chorus: Did you guys forget about us? Good, because we are not coming back to wrap this up! BURN


raych said...

Stereotypes: entrenched!

My favorite part was when all of Act II was a dream. Also the booty shorts. Also all of this.

Laura said...

Wow. Well done, everyone. That was sarcastic. Except for in your case, Anner, cause that is a job WELL DONE.

lifeisgood said...

I must know...those in booty shorts, were they men or women? I'm kind of picturing guys with great butts and very hairy legs in silver booty shorts, and kind of loving it.

Movie Maven said...

Oh my god, Celeste, I was like "who is this booty shorts-obsessed person on my blog?" But now I know it's you and I love it.

Sadly, the booty shorts were only worn by the women, along with some sort of thigh-high legwarmers, and they were regular olive drab, not silver. But I'm sure in some alternate universe, your vision is reality.

Russell said...

Wow. I think most Spider-Man fanfic is more coherent and true to the character than this debacle.