I have never done a review of anything but a movie on this site, but this shit cost more than a lot of movies to make, so we're making an exception.
[it is A PLACE]
Geek Chorus: Hi! We're the geek chorus!
Girl Geek: I'm a girl! What!
Geek Chorus: We're here to try and serve the purpose of making this some sort of parallel universe to the already-established Spider-Man universe. Will it work? Probably not! Let's sing about it!
Girl Geek: But what about Arachne?!?!
Geek Chorus: Uhhhhh...I'm not super-sure how that's related but ok.
[ARACHNE is there with AERIALISTS who WEAVE A THING and it is PRETTY COOL ACTUALLY]
Arachne: I want to die because Athena was mean to me!
[she HANGS herself, I guess]
Peter Parker: ...and that's the story of Arachne. She became a spider!
Bullies: Nerd!! You gave a report and are a nerd. Also you are not wearing yellow, nerd!!
Peter Parker: Guys, please don't beat me up! Especially not while dancing!!
[they DO that, and the dance-fighting is FINE but the song is called "Bullying by Numbers" which is NOT A THING/PHRASE]
Mary Jane: Sorry your life sucks. Mine does too! We live in Queens!
[a ONE-MILLION DOLLAR SUBWAY TRAIN MODEL drives by]
Peter Parker: Really?! Can we sing a super-self-pitying song about it? Together, but separately?
[he WALKS on a TREADMILL]
Mary Jane: As long as I can sing real high!
MJ's Dad: I am terrible, but fortunately you'll never see me again!
Uncle Ben and Aunt May: Are we characters? Not really! I guess we don't understand teenagers!
Peter Parker: Oh man my life sucks so hard!! I don't even really have a plan to get out of it. Oh well!
[meanwhile, at a SCIENCE PLACE]
Norman Osborn: Listen up, science team. I've given you all silver coats to look extra-sciencey, and I'm southern for some reason, but don't let that distract you from our real goal: something!
Emily Osborn: Yes! Goals!
Science Lackey: There are some high school students here to tour the lab!
Norman Osborn: Great, that's not unsafe at all! Bring them down here.
[they do a NUMBER about "doing it to yourself" because it's a DIY WORLD]
My Friend Deborah: I think a fair amount of teenage boys are already doing it to themselves.
Emily Osborn: The spider. SHE'S MISSIN'!!!!* WHY ARE WE SOUTHERN?!
Spider: I am a cool puppet and going to bite you!! Hahahahaha!
Peter Parker: Oh no! I feel different!
[he wakes up on the CEILING of his ROOM, which has WALLS that MOVE]
Peter Parker: Oh man, I'm awesome now! I'm bouncing off the walls! Literally!
[he sings a song called "Bouncing Off the Walls" that MAY or MAY NOT have other lyrics]
Geek Chorus: Now he needs a suit!
Girl Geek: Boys can't sew, haha! Gender roles.
[Peter Parker appears in a "HILARIOUSLY" terrible outfit]
Peter Parker: Now I will wrestle this inflatable wrestler and win some money! Yes!!
[he DOES, and it is SORT OF FUNNY]
Announcer: He's going Sunday, Bloody Sunday on his opponent!* U2 LOL
Bully: Oh no! My car is being stolen!
Peter Parker: I ain't care!
Uncle Ben: Oh no! I got run over and am dying! Peter, with great power comes...wait, that's dumb. Rise above! RISE ABOVE!!!
Peter Parker: Rise above what? That doesn't make any sense!
Arachne: Doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?!
[she gives him his SPIDEY SUIT because she is good at WEAVING or something]
Peter Parker: Hooray! Now I will stop bad guys!!
[he DOES, while FLYING using TECHNOLOGY]
Bad Guys: We have big, papier-mache looking heads! Are we incongruous with the rest of the show? Yes! But do we look cool?! Sort of!
[a HUGE HAND of Spider-Man catches a HUGE BABY]
J. Jonah Jameson: Who is Spider-Man? I hate him! For no reason! Get me pictures!!!
Norman Osborn: That guy stole my spider!
The Military: Yes, and you must get to work on your new research!
Norman Osborn: Why?
The Military: We don't know, but here is a song!
[they MARCH while wearing BOOTY SHORTS]
Norman Osborn: Those booty shorts have convinced me! I must experiment on myself!
Emily Osborn: No! Don't!
Norman Osborn: But our life will be better! Let me convince you through song!
[he gets into a PLASTIC BALL that cost FIVE MILLION DOLLARS and becomes the GREEN GOBLIN]
Emily Osborn: I died somehow!!!
J. Jonah Jameson: Reporters, what's going on?
Reporters: We will tell you, but not show you! It's just like Greek drama - boring!
[the TYPING POOL swivels on their ROLLING CHAIRS, though it is 2011 and there ARE NO TYPING POOLS]
Spider-Man: I am the best!
Norman Osborn: Noooooooooooooooooooo! I'll get you, Spider-Man!
[he DOES, and they FIGHT in the SKY and there is a PIANO]
Peter Parker: I'll save you, Mary Jane!
[he DOES, and the Green Goblin DIES]
Geek Chorus: Wait, so now that he's dead, how does our story continue? More villains, I guess?
Girl Geek: Yep, that'll be Act Two!
Arachne: What about me?
Geek Chorus: Oh yeah, you too! Everybody in the pool!!
[there is a VILLAIN FASHION SHOW]
Geek Chorus: Swiss Miss? Who the fuck is that?
Girl Geek: I just made her up!*
Geek Chorus: You can't do that!*
Girl Geek: I JUST DID.* And named her after a hot chocolate, bitchessssssss
[a RASTAFARIAN with a BUCKET DRUM appears]
Rastafarian: [singing] Spider-Man!!!!
Peter Parker: It's taking up too much time to be Spider-Man AND do all my jobs AND be with Mary Jane, who has apparently shot to stardom on Broadway in just one year. I need a nap.
Arachne: Hello, Spider-Man. I'm your dream girl. Like, I am literally in your dream. Turn off the dark.
Peter Parker: What does that mean?!
[they MAKE OUT in the SKY]
Mary Jane: I can't do this anymore, Peter!
Peter Parker: No, wait!
[he THROWS OUT his SPIDEY SUIT]
Arachne: I made that for you!!!!!
[she sings about how she is PISSED, maybe? there are SPIDER LADIES that are pretty cool]
Peter Parker: Ah, not being Spider-Man is the best!
Green Goblin: I'm back!!
Peter Parker: But I killed you!
Green Goblin: No you didn't! Look, all the villains are alive again!
[they go on a RAMPAGE that is largely VIDEO-BASED]
Peter Parker: Marry me, MJ!
Mary Jane: Um, what, okay?
Arachne: Oh hellllllllll no! What does she have that I don't have? Two legs and a pair of shoes?* BRING ME ALL THE SHOES
[they LITERALLY do a number about SHOES]
Sexy Spider Ladies with Eight Legs: A freak like me needs company!* Ladies be lovin' shoes!! LOL
Peter Parker: Okay, I am going to be Spider-Man again somehow. But I lost my powers! But I will still defeat the villains!
[he DOES, inexplicably]
Peter Parker: How did that all happen?
Arachne: It was ILLUSIONS!!!!
Peter Parker: So...all of Act Two was a dream? Fuck you, Arachne.
Arachne: Haha! I have Mary Jane! Now you must marry me or I will kill her!
Peter Parker: Don't kill her! I love her! I will be yours if you just let her go!
Arachne: Wait, I just decided just now that you can never truly be mine, since you love her, though I already knew that you loved her. So I will let you both go! But please kill me!
Peter Parker: I can't kill you!! I am too moral!
Arachne: Somehow your refusal to kill me broke a curse I had on me! Now I can die in peace. If you're a woman, you should either be married or dead. Goodbyeeeee!!
[she ASCENDS on a NOOSE]
Mary Jane: Hooray! Now you can be Spider-Man again!
Peter Parker: Yes, that solved everything, apparently!!!
[they KISS UPSIDE-DOWN like in the MOVIE]
Geek Chorus: Did you guys forget about us? Good, because we are not coming back to wrap this up! BURN