Beyonce: Baby, I'm so glad you work at a poorly-defined Corporate Job that allows us to buy this big new house!! Our family is going to be so happy, and also very attractive, here.
Idris Elba: It's true...you are gorgeous, even with that weird reddish weave, and I am extremely handsome. Look at our child! So adorable! Let's go fool around upstairs.
Beyonce: But what about our kid? Oh, he'll be fine in the stroller, as long as he doesn't accidentally walk over to the glass table that is under the huge wrought-iron chandelier.
Me: If that chandelier doesn't fall into that table by the end of this film, I will be upset.
[they TEST OUT their new CEILING MIRRORS by BONING on the FLOOR]
Idris Elba: Well, back to work at Random Company!
Jerry O'Connell: Dude! We're friends! We work together! Duuuuude!
Ali Larter: Hi. Do people have conversations in elevators?
Idris Elba: No. Not with strangers.
Ali Larter: I didn't think so. But we're having one anyway! How convenient. I'm working at your company as a temp. See you around...............
[she looks at him FLIRTATIOUSLY]
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude you should hiiiiiit thaaaaaaaaaaaat.
[he goes home and BONES her just to PROVE a POINT]
Beyonce: Well, have fun at the office Christmas party without me. I'll just be here with our child, who is apparently the only person I talk to besides you. I do want to go back to school though!!
Idris Elba: I support you, because I am a good husband.
Ali Larter: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii again. It's so WEIRD how we ran into each other at this bar, isn't it? Oh my god, so weird! Let's hang out before the Christmas party.
[she basically FUCKS him with her EYES]
Idris Elba: Ummmmm...this is making me uncomfortable.
[they go to the PARTY and get DRUNKER and she SHOVES him into a BATHROOM STALL]
Idris Elba: Stop trying to undress me! How did you even manage to shove me in this stall? You weigh like 100 pounds. Are you a robot?
Ali Larter: Maybe I'm your SEX ROBOT!!!!
[she continues to MAUL him]
Idris Elba: God, get off me!
[he runs to the PARKING GARAGE, but she is THERE in her UNDERWEAR]
Idris Elba: I wonder if I should tell my wife about this. It's kind of funny when you think about it...nah, I'll just let it lie. It's probably not a big deal.
Ali Larter: I quit my job so we can be together!
Idris Elba: Um...what?
Ali Larter: Also I followed you to a retreat and drugged you!
Idris Elba: Um...whaashs irufhweriuf...
Jerry O'Connell: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude I bet that chick is hotttttt in b--
Ali Larter: What?! No!!! My heart is broken!!
[she tries to OFF HERSELF with PILLS in his BED and he calls 911 because he is a DECENT HUMAN]
Beyonce: What the fuck? Who the fuck is this? What is going on?
Christine Lahti: Apparently this woman was naked in your husband's hotel room.
Beyonce: No! NO! You - no. This is - no. I'm out. I'm OUT.
[she is like REALLY PISSED]
Idris Elba: Nothing happened!!!
Christine Lahti: Look, guy, I don't care if you're boning this chick or not, but she is crazy. But she has conveniently gone to San Francisco, so now you're safe. California is a pretty big state.
Idris Elba: Phew. But my wife already kicked me out of the house!
Beyonce: Well...I think after a montage of us living separately, we can get back together.
[meanwhile, in their SWEET MANSION]
Babysitter: Um, who are you?
Ali Larter: I'm Mrs. Charles' friend! I'll just call her to make sure it's okay for me to be here. Look, I'm dialing her, and talking to her on the phone, even though you can't hear her. It's totally her. Do you need to talk to her?
Babysitter: No, I don't want to call your bluff. It was a pretty good bluff.
[Ali Larter STEALS their BABY because the babysitter is a DUMB TEEN who is TEXTING and not watching the BABY]
Beyonce: MY CHILD!!!!
[they run around FRANTICALLY for like 2 minutes and then the BABY ends up being in their CAR with a LIPSTICK KISS on his little head]
I can NOT belive she touched my CHILD. [on phone] Look, bitch, you know who this is, and I know you're crazy, but if you come near my family again, I'll SHOW YOU CRAZY.*
Idris Elba: Damn, my wife is fine.
Ali Larter:
Oh hiiiii gay assistant of Idris Elba. It's been so long since we talked! I just needed some information.
Gay Assistant: Oh hey! Here is all the information you need about the trip that they are going on. Oops! I helped a stalker. Dang.
[Ali Larter BREAKS IN after Beyonce LEAVES and puts on an OLD FOOTBALL JERSEY and WRITHES AROUND a lot]
Beyonce: Oops, I forgot to set the alarm...and there's someone in my house.
Ali Larter: Oh, hey - your husband is divorcing you. That's why I'm wearing his football jersey.
Beyonce: What. Did I tell you. About staying away. From my family. Oh. Hell. No.
[they have a HUGE FUCKING FIGHT during which Beyonce keeps her FIERCE BOOTS ON]
Beyonce: Good thing I learned that our attic floor is unstable earlier.
[she LURES Ali Larter over a SOFT SPOT and Ali Larter FALLS THROUGH]
Beyonce: You are insane, and have been trying to kill me, but I cannot let you die.
[she offers her HAND, and Ali Larter tries to PULL HER DOWN TOO]
Beyonce: Nuh uh!!
[she FREES herself, and Ali Larter falls onto the CHANDELIER, which SWINGS AROUND, and then FALLS onto the GLASS TABLE, which SHATTERS, and then the CHANDELIER falls]
Beyonce: That was very satisfying.
Idris Elba: Are you okay? Let's go bone under our ceiling mirrors again.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

I can NO wait to see this now.