Listen, I can’t claim to truly understand any Paul Thomas Anderson film. To be perfectly honest, we’re probably not supposed to. Film nerds always need something to dissect and I do enjoy a lot of his work, except Magnolia which can GTFO. And it’s always nice to see DDL’s hot face unobscured by voluminous mustaches or Lincoln beards. So I think I liked this movie? I like clothes and chilly men, and I can certainly sympathize with the effects of eating something that REALLY doesn’t agree with you.
***
[it is a GLAMOROUS time filled with LOUD and ATONAL music]
Daniel Day-Lewis: It is I, Reynolds Woodcock, an elegant couture designer with the name of an amateur porn star.
[he actually CREATES a COUTURE gown because DDL doesn’t PHONE it in, BITCHES]
His Lover: You never talk to me at breakfast anymore.
His Sister: Shall I get rid of her?
DDL: [without LOOKING UP] Mmhmm.
[he dons FUSCIA SOCKS and goes to some kind of INN where Alma, a waitress, SMILES at him and immediately FALLS DOWN]
DDL: That was adorkable. Now to my breakfast! Here is the list of meats I would like to consume. Recite it back to me.
[she DOES without BREAKING his GAZE and it is STRANGELY INTENSE as all their INTERACTIONS shall BE]
DDL: You passed my test. Let's go on a date.
[they RIDE in his FANCY car and GO to DINNER]
DDL: My mother is dead. I find it comforting to think of her ghost watching me. Let me take off your lipstick. I like to see who I’m talking to.*
[they GAZE some more and I’m REMINDED that DDL doesn’t get enough RECOGNITION for being a damn SMOKESHOW ZADDY]
DDL: Now I shall give you the full Woodcock, meaning I will make a dress for you.
[they GO to his STUDIO and he DRAPES fabric and it’s MILDLY erotic until his SISTER weirdly SHOWS UP to TAKE notes]
DDL: You have no breasts.*
Alma: :(
DDL: Don’t worry, it’s my job to give them to you.*
Alma: :)
[she BECOMES his MUSE and LOVER and MOVES into his HOUSE where she MODELS his SUMPTUOUS dresses but also HELPS to MAKE them(?)]
Alma: Good morning! La la la!
[she BUTTERS her toast and POURS tea which is APPARENTLY UNBEARABLE]
DDL: Such noise! My day is ruined!
His Sister: He needs his reflection time in the morning! Only I know this, due to our bizarrely close relationship.
Alma: I think he’s too fussy.*
[DDL has a FITTING with a RICH MATRON and she PASSES out DRUNK at a PARTY wearing his DRESS]
Alma: She doesn’t deserve your genius! I will pry it from her unconscious body.
DDL: You get me. I love you but also hate myself, as all geniuses do, and will take it out on you so just a head's up on that.
Alma: I want to prepare DDL a special dinner, just for the two of us. Can you leave the house so we can be alone?
His Sister: [STARES in CONFUSION]
[it is the FATEFUL dinner]
DDL: Where is everyone? What is going on? Why is this asparagus made with BUTTER when you know I prefer oil and salt? Why are you trying to destroy me?!
Alma: I just want to love you!
[instead of LEAVING his BITCHY ASS, she GETS the BRIGHT IDEA to LIGHTLY POISON him with some MUSHROOMS she PICKED earlier]
Alma: Here’s some normal, fungi-free tea.
[he COLLAPSES DRAMATICALLY on a WEDDING dress he is MAKING for a LITERAL PRINCESS]
Alma: I will care for you!
DDL: Oh God, it’s coming out of both ends. The agony!
[he TOSSES ABOUT and HALLUCINATES his MOTHER because he is also SUFFERING from Mommy Issues Disease]
His Sister: I brought the doctor. Can he examine him?
DDL: Get the fuck out.*
Alma: You heard him. I am all that he needs!
[it is the NEXT morning]
DDL: My night of explosive diarrhea has made me realize how much I do in fact need you. Marry me!
Alma: I did it!
[they GET MARRIED and exactly ZERO things are FIXED cause that’s NOT how marriage WORKS]
DDL: You still butter your toast too loudly. And sometimes you bring me tea and want to go dancing. You've ruined my life!
Alma: Fuck this. I know how to make him love me again - thorough the power of poison.
[she LEVELS up and puts a WHOLE mushroom in his OMELET]
DDL: Thanks for this omelet. It looks intriguing.
[they STARE at each other for like, EVER and it is TENSE, and then he EATS it]
DDL: I knew about the diarrhea poison the whole time. Thanks for physically weakening me so I can finally accept your caretaking. I love you, Mommy.
Alma: I love you too. This is what love is.
DDL: Now you’d better get out of here darling, before I’m sick.*
[she CARESSES him as he SITS on the TOILET, but he’s not like, ACTUALLY using it in this ROMANTIC MOMENT, just to CLARIFY]
*actual line from movie
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