3.14.2008

Quills

Upon posting this, I realized that this week has included two teen movies, two racy (or rather, one racy and one that wished it was) period movies, and a teen movie that uses a racy period novel as its inspiration. Thanks, Cruel Intentions, for tying this week together.
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[it is the FRENCH REVOLUTION]
Some Girl: You may think that I am having sex right now because of the words and sounds you are hearing, but in reality I am about to be guillotined. JUXTAPOSITION!!!
Geoffrey Rush: Yes...YES. Pain and pleasure. Synonymous, no? I shall watch the beheading from my gilded tower. Nothing shall ever confine me.
[it is YEARS later]
Geoffrey Rush: Shit, this insane asylum is rather confining. Good thing I have this pretty laundress to ogle.
Kate Winslet: Here's some more paper and ink. Do you have any more of those racy, racy stories to give me?
Geoffrey Rush: Do you want to give me a kiss? ON MY PENIS?!?!
Kate Winslet: I find you compelling, but repulsive! Just give me the damn story.
Joaquin Phoenix: [gazes LONGINGLY at her in his PRIEST'S collar]
[she TAKES the STORY to a DUDE on a HORSE who is all FLIRTY, who gets it PUBLISHED, secretly]
Geoffrey Rush: Hey, priest! Come have some wine with me! We'll talk about my recovery and I'll make lewd jokes! It'll be fun!
Joaquin Phoenix: Wine? It's, like, 11 in the morning.
Geoffrey Rush: Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.*
[the STORY is a HUGE HIT in ALLEYS and BARNS and HAYSTACKS, but NOT in the PALACE]
Napoleon: This is TRAAASH! I am a tiny little man who detests trash! BURN THEM! ALL OF THEM! Also, send Michael Caine to that asylum. He has developed a new method of torture...I mean, therapy, that I think could be beneficial in killing...I mean, curing the Marquis.
Michael Caine: All right, I'll go. I just need to stop at a convent and pick up a 15-year-old girl to marry.
[he DOES, and it is GROSS]
Kate Winslet: Have you heard??? The new doctor has a bride that could be his granddaughter. How scandalous!
Geoffrey Rush: I shall take a tip from Hamlet and present a play that will hit him where it hurts. Ha HA!
[they STAGE a play that DEPICTS the EXACT story of the new DOCTOR and it is RACY]
Kate Winslet: Help! I'm backstage, being raped by the hugest man ever!
[she CLOCKS him with a HOT IRON]
Joaquin Phoenix: Are you all right? Let me hold you...as a child of God, I mean. Not as a beautiful woman. I'm a priest. I'm CELIBATE. YES.
[meanwhile, at Michael Caine's STATELY HOME]
Michael Caine: Give my child bride whatever she wants. I mean, I pretty much rape her every night. Peruvian marble is the least I can do in exchange for her childhood.
Hot Architect: All right! Biggest budget ever!
Mrs. Marquis de Sade: Can't you help my husband? At all? I do love him, even though he makes me go buy dildos at the dildosmith's, and beats me for not bringing him a fucking pen.
Michael Caine: Of course I can help him. Just give me all your money.
Hot Architect: SWEET!
Child Bride: Who is this Marquis? And what are these books? My teenage heart is curious. I shall procure this novel, thus learning the ways of the wang.
[meanwhile, Geoffrey Rush has NO PENS or INK or PAPER, so he writes a NOVEL on a SHEET, and then when they take THOSE away, he uses his OWN BLOOD and CLOTHING]
Kate Winslet: This sheet story is the best ever!
Michael Caine: You helped him! I can tell! You're going away!
Kate Winslet: You're just mad because your child bride totally ran off with the hot architect! And she totally blew him! And not you! Suckaaaa!
Michael Caine: OUUUUUUUTTTT!
Kate Winslet: Please, just tell me one last story to remember you by, Marquis.
[they set up an ELABORATE telephone-like CHAIN so that Geoffrey Rush can DICTATE from his CELL and Kate Winslet can TRANSCRIBE in the LAUNDRY ROOM]
Pyromaniac: FIRE!!!!!!!
[he sets EVERYTHING on FIRE and everyone ESCAPES]
Joaquin Phoenix: Where is Kate Winslet? We almost kissed the other night and it's been awkward.
[she is FLOATING in a LAUNDRY VAT full of BLOOD because the HUGE DUDE killed her]
Joaquin Phoenix: Noooooooooooooo!!! PUT THE MARQUIS IN THAT ONE CRAZY CELL WE HAVE THAT'S LIKE A DUNGEON! YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I MEAN! THAT ONE! WITH THE STAIRS!
[he has a DREAM that he is having SEX with ALIVE Kate Winslet and then with DEAD Kate Winslet and it is ICKY]
Geoffrey Rush: [silence; his TONGUE has been CUT OUT]
Joaquin Phoenix: Well. I like how you used your own shit to write a story on the walls. Very inventive. Now, I'm going to give you this cross to kiss so you can die absolved of your sins.
Geoffrey Rush: [SWALLOWS the cross and CHOKES on it]
Joaquin Phoenix: Fuck, man! Well...guess I better go crazy too. I'll live in the cell that the Marquis used to occupy. How poetic.
Billie Whitelaw: Here, have some paper. FULL CIRCLE!!

2 comments:

Laurie said...

Ummm how about "traumatized audience"?? This movie sounds horrific!

However, the word "dildosmith" makes it all better.


p.s. My word verification is "jewgplt" and I'm borderline offended although I'm not sure why.

Movie Maven said...

It is a little traumatizing, but Geoffrey Rush's performance is so wonderful, you forget.