Upon posting this, I realized that this week has included two teen movies, two racy (or rather, one racy and one that wished it was) period movies, and a teen movie that uses a racy period novel as its inspiration. Thanks, Cruel Intentions, for tying this week together.
[it is the FRENCH REVOLUTION]
Some Girl: You may think that I am having sex right now because of the words and sounds you are hearing, but in reality I am about to be guillotined. JUXTAPOSITION!!!
Geoffrey Rush: Yes...YES. Pain and pleasure. Synonymous, no? I shall watch the beheading from my gilded tower. Nothing shall ever confine me.
[it is YEARS later]
Geoffrey Rush: Shit, this insane asylum is rather confining. Good thing I have this pretty laundress to ogle.
Kate Winslet: Here's some more paper and ink. Do you have any more of those racy, racy stories to give me?
Geoffrey Rush: Do you want to give me a kiss? ON MY PENIS?!?!
Kate Winslet: I find you compelling, but repulsive! Just give me the damn story.
Joaquin Phoenix: [gazes LONGINGLY at her in his PRIEST'S collar]
[she TAKES the STORY to a DUDE on a HORSE who is all FLIRTY, who gets it PUBLISHED, secretly]
Geoffrey Rush: Hey, priest! Come have some wine with me! We'll talk about my recovery and I'll make lewd jokes! It'll be fun!
Joaquin Phoenix: Wine? It's, like, 11 in the morning.
Geoffrey Rush: Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.*
[the STORY is a HUGE HIT in ALLEYS and BARNS and HAYSTACKS, but NOT in the PALACE]
Napoleon: This is TRAAASH! I am a tiny little man who detests trash! BURN THEM! ALL OF THEM! Also, send Michael Caine to that asylum. He has developed a new method of torture...I mean, therapy, that I think could be beneficial in killing...I mean, curing the Marquis.
Michael Caine: All right, I'll go. I just need to stop at a convent and pick up a 15-year-old girl to marry.
[he DOES, and it is GROSS]
Kate Winslet: Have you heard??? The new doctor has a bride that could be his granddaughter. How scandalous!
Geoffrey Rush: I shall take a tip from Hamlet and present a play that will hit him where it hurts. Ha HA!
[they STAGE a play that DEPICTS the EXACT story of the new DOCTOR and it is RACY]
Kate Winslet: Help! I'm backstage, being raped by the hugest man ever!
[she CLOCKS him with a HOT IRON]
Joaquin Phoenix: Are you all right? Let me hold you...as a child of God, I mean. Not as a beautiful woman. I'm a priest. I'm CELIBATE. YES.
[meanwhile, at Michael Caine's STATELY HOME]
Michael Caine: Give my child bride whatever she wants. I mean, I pretty much rape her every night. Peruvian marble is the least I can do in exchange for her childhood.
Hot Architect: All right! Biggest budget ever!
Mrs. Marquis de Sade: Can't you help my husband? At all? I do love him, even though he makes me go buy dildos at the dildosmith's, and beats me for not bringing him a fucking pen.
Michael Caine: Of course I can help him. Just give me all your money.
Hot Architect: SWEET!
Child Bride: Who is this Marquis? And what are these books? My teenage heart is curious. I shall procure this novel, thus learning the ways of the wang.
[meanwhile, Geoffrey Rush has NO PENS or INK or PAPER, so he writes a NOVEL on a SHEET, and then when they take THOSE away, he uses his OWN BLOOD and CLOTHING]
Kate Winslet: This sheet story is the best ever!
Michael Caine: You helped him! I can tell! You're going away!
Kate Winslet: You're just mad because your child bride totally ran off with the hot architect! And she totally blew him! And not you! Suckaaaa!
Michael Caine: OUUUUUUUTTTT!
Kate Winslet: Please, just tell me one last story to remember you by, Marquis.
[they set up an ELABORATE telephone-like CHAIN so that Geoffrey Rush can DICTATE from his CELL and Kate Winslet can TRANSCRIBE in the LAUNDRY ROOM]
[he sets EVERYTHING on FIRE and everyone ESCAPES]
Joaquin Phoenix: Where is Kate Winslet? We almost kissed the other night and it's been awkward.
[she is FLOATING in a LAUNDRY VAT full of BLOOD because the HUGE DUDE killed her]
Joaquin Phoenix: Noooooooooooooo!!! PUT THE MARQUIS IN THAT ONE CRAZY CELL WE HAVE THAT'S LIKE A DUNGEON! YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I MEAN! THAT ONE! WITH THE STAIRS!
[he has a DREAM that he is having SEX with ALIVE Kate Winslet and then with DEAD Kate Winslet and it is ICKY]
Geoffrey Rush: [silence; his TONGUE has been CUT OUT]
Joaquin Phoenix: Well. I like how you used your own shit to write a story on the walls. Very inventive. Now, I'm going to give you this cross to kiss so you can die absolved of your sins.
Geoffrey Rush: [SWALLOWS the cross and CHOKES on it]
Joaquin Phoenix: Fuck, man! Well...guess I better go crazy too. I'll live in the cell that the Marquis used to occupy. How poetic.
Billie Whitelaw: Here, have some paper. FULL CIRCLE!!