All About Eve
[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Gay-but-not Columnist: Here is a bunch of exposition about these people. But who you're really going to hear about tonight is EVE, who's accepting an award. This is...ALL ABOUT EVE.
Mrs. Playwright: Why, child! You're out in the rain! I have noticed you stalking my friend, the great Broadway star, before. Why don't you come in and do your stalking out of the cold!
Eve: Gee, shucks, golly, thanks a bunch. I couldn't begin to tell you how much this means to me. Shucks. Golly.
[they go INSIDE and she is AWED]
Bette Davis: WHAT DO YOU WANT? I'M PUTTING ON MY COLD CREAM.
Eve: Well, I just wanted to meet you. You're my hero. I'm just a young Army widow from Wisconsin who used to work at a brewery. When you're a secretary in a brewery, it's hard to pretend you're anything else. Everything is beer.*
Thelma Ritter: What a sad story. It has cracked even the veneer of this sarcastic, no-nonsense character I always play, but always awesomely.
Bette Davis: Hmm...perhaps you could be of use to me, child. I have been looking for someone I can kick around without feeling very bad about it.
[she HIRES her as some sort of GIRL FRIDAY/PROFESSIONAL FAN]
Eve: [STARES at her WEIRDLY and acts STALKERY]
Bette Davis: This is weirding me out. Let's just have a party for my 8-years-younger boyfriend, the director, who has been in Hollywood. I'll get raging drunk. It'll be fabulous.
[she DOES, and it IS]
Director-Boyfriend: Eve's quite interesting, isn't she? I sort of like her.
Bette Davis: FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS...IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY NIGHT.*
[she gets DRUNKER]
Gay-but-not Critic: I brought this very beautiful girl as my date to cover up my gayness. She's a graduate of the Copacabana School of Dramatic Art.*
Marilyn Monroe: I'm gonna be famous!
Bette Davis: I'm so oolllldddd!!!
[she gets EVEN DRUNKER and MORE FABULOUS]
Eve: Oh golly gosh gee willikers. I sure would love to be Bette Davis' understudy.
Mrs. Playwright: That sounds perfectly logical, and not at all creepy and stalkery. I'll talk to the producer behind my best friend's back to help you.
[she DOES, and it is SCANDALOUS]
Director-Boyfriend: Oh, hey, sweetie. Eve read your part during Miss Copacabana's audition and she was better than you ever were. SUCKA!
Bette Davis: I WILL NOT BE PLOTTED AGAINST.*
[Director-Boyfriend PUSHES her on a BED to more STRONGLY prove his POINT]
Mrs. Playwright: Hmm...perhaps Bette Davis needs to be taken down a notch.
[she plans a TRICK so that Eve will PERFORM instead of Bette Davis and they get STRANDED in the COUNTRY]
Bette Davis: I'll take this opportunity of being stranded in a car to tell you my entire philosophy of being a woman in show business.
Bette Davis: Slow curtain. The end.*
The Press: We love Eve!
Bette Davis: I HATE YOU ALL.
Gay-but-not Critic: So, Eve, looks like your plan is working pretty well. We should hang out. Maybe I'm not gay. No one knows.
[they go to the CUB ROOM and EVERYONE is there and DRAMA ensues in the BATHROOM]
Eve: If you don't tell your husband to give me the part in his new play, I'll tell everyone about the trick you played and you'll be ruined. RUINED!
[she does a lot of INTENSE LOOKING to show she means BUSINESS]
Mrs. Playwright: All right. I'll do what you ask, you contemptible little worm.
Bette Davis: Guess what! Director-Boyfriend and I are getting married!
[she RETIRES because she is MARRIED and you can't KEEP HOUSE and ACT as well]
Eve: MY PLAN IS FALLING INTO PLACE. Now, for the playwright!
[she has an AFFAIR with the playwright and tries to CONVINCE him to leave his WIFE, because she hasn't done ENOUGH DAMAGE]
Gay-but-not Critic: Ohhhh, no you don't. You're mine now! I know all about your made-up story. Dead husband? PLEASE. You're a LIAR.
[Eve LAUGHS and he SLAPS her in the WORST STAGE COMBAT ever to be FILMED]
Gay-but-not Critic: Now remember as long as you live, never to laugh at me. At anything or anyone else, but never at me.*
[we are RETURNED to the original TIME FRAME, where Eve is ACCEPTING her AWARD]
Everyone: [stares ICILY]
Bette Davis: Nice speech, Eve. But I wouldn't worry too much about your heart. You can always put that award where your heart ought to be.*
[Eve RETURNS to her HOTEL ROOM to BASK in her DECEIT and GRANDEUR]
Some Random: Hi. I snuck into your room, and then fell asleep in it. Can I please become your protege in much the same way you did with Bette Davis, and form a Machiavellian scheme to basically take over your life?
[the RANDOM puts on Eve's CAPE and LOOKS at herself in a 360-degree MIRROR for, like, EVER so you KNOW it's come FULL CIRCLE]