How Do You Know

Yes, I have loved Paul Rudd for about 15 years now. Yes, Reese Witherspoon is charming and likable and I actually liked Legally Blonde. Yes, Owen Wilson has his moments. And yes, he's Jack Nicholson.

However: this movie is so, so, so much less than the sum of its parts. But my best friend is leaving for Kenya today, and she wanted to see it, and I wasn't opposed (well, I kind of was, but Paul Rudd) so we went to the luxury cinema where you get free popcorn. Big ups to iPic at Bayshore Mall!!

Reese Witherspoon: I love softball! I love it more than anything and I am really good at it! But I’m not good…AT LOVE.

Paul Rudd: Hey – I got your phone number from your friend? Because you are bad at dating, maybe? But I just wanted to let you know that I have a girlfriend.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh…okay? I’m going to go out on a date with and possibly have a relationship with Owen Wilson, famously roguish pitcher.

Owen Wilson: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[they DATE but don’t actually seem to LIKE each other that much]

Cousin Larry: Oh, hey, Paul Rudd…you are being investigated by the federal government for lying about business.

Paul Rudd: What!?!?! What the FUCK kind of subplot is this?!

Jack Nicholson: I’m your father slash boss, and this is terrible. I am in this movie for some reason.

[there is a LONG-ASS SCENE about INDICTMENTS and LAW and it is LITERALLY a lesson in how NOT to write a MOVIE SCENE]

Kathryn Hahn: I am also in this movie! And I want to punch Jack Nicholson, and I almost did just now, because assistants routinely take swings at CEOs.

Paul Rudd: It’s ok. You’re pregnant. That might come up later.

Paul Rudd’s Girlfriend: So…I think we should break up, because I don’t want to be involved with you because of your federal investigation. Byeeeeeee.

Paul Rudd: What to do? I guess I will get drunk and sing a Teddy Pendergrass song about hot oils.

[he DOES, and it is ALMOST cute enough to make the rest of the movie WORTH IT, but not actually]

Paul Rudd: Hi, let’s go on a date now.

Reese Witherspoon: Uh, okay? I thought you had a girlfriend? I am just continually sort of confused in this movie?

[she gets CUT from the SOFTBALL TEAM, which is her LIFE]

Reese Witherspoon: I will stare at my mirror full of inspirational sayings and I will GET PAST THIS. Because I am STRONG. YES. Then I will go on this date.

[they DO, and do not TALK, but GAZE a lot, and Rudd is INTO IT, but Reese is NOT]

Owen Wilson: I think we should move in together, though up to this point everyone probably thought we were just fuckbuddies? Because I am a cad.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay! But I will just bring like 4 suitcases and not actually move out of my apartment, I think.

[he cleans out a SOCK DRAWER for her which proves he is NOT READY for cohabitation]

Reese Witherspoon: Let’s make this work, though clearly it is not working slash will never work!

Paul Rudd: Hey! I’m still being investigated by the feds. And I might love Reese Witherspoon? After one date? Because that is a thing that happens.

[he RUNS INTO HER in the ELEVATOR in the BUILDING that both his DAD and her BOYFRIEND live because COINCIDENCES]

Paul Rudd: OH MY GOD, HI.

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, hey. Am I still in a movie? I feel like I just wandered on set and was given lines to say. Want to come in?

[he DOES, and Owen Wilson gets JEALOUS, and Reese MOVES OUT]

Reese Witherspoon: Let me hang out at your place, platonically.


[they get DRUNK and he GAZES at her a lot, which is a sign of LOVING]

Paul Rudd: I touched your leg.*

Me: [genuine laughter]

Reese Witherspoon: Oh, I am going back to my boyfriend now, sorry!

Paul Rudd: Of all the thoughts I had about you over the past few days, and there were millions, the one that never occurred to me was that my mind would be exaggerating about you. And it wasn’t.*


Jack Nicholson: Federal investigation! Still happening! I could go to jail. Or you could go to jail for me! Please decide.


Owen Wilson: Come back to me, baby.

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. But: are we monogamous? Because we haven’t had that conversation, apparently, though we are living together.

Owen Wilson: Sure, baby, yeah…we are now! Bye!!! I’m going on the road! I will probably not cheat on you!

Reese Witherspoon: I’m moving out again!

Paul Rudd: With all these hijinks, you would think this movie would be more hilarious, but it really isn’t. Sorry. At least I’m dreamy.

Reese Witherspoon: Can I come hang out with you again? Platonically? Even though I know you’re in love with me?

Paul Rudd: Yes, of course! I’m just waiting to see if my friend has her baby.

[the phone RINGS]

Paul Rudd: Oh, she had it, just now. Let’s go to the hospital!

[they DO, and film the BABYDADDY proposing, but then the CAMERA isn’t ON, and they RE-DO it, and it is apparently HILARIOUS, but really just terrible and boring and awful]

Kathryn Hahn: My life is fine now because I have a baby and a fiancé!

Reese Witherspoon: I don’t think I want those things, but I don’t know! Oh, epiphanies!! Oh, and my birthday was tonight. Tomorrow, my boyfriend or whatever he is is throwing me a party.

Paul Rudd: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Let me come to your party. Then I will declare my love for you and decide if I want to go to jail for my dad. If you love me, NO JAIL.

[there is a FANCY PARTY full of LITERAL BALLERS]

Owen Wilson: I got you this diamond watch that proves I will spend a lot of money on you. Also, I didn’t let you take your time unwrapping it, which also proves I am wrong for you.

Paul Rudd: I got you this Play-Doh and the story of how Play-Doh was invented, and how with one small adjustment, your life could be perfect. Also I let you unwrap the present at your own pace.

Reese Witherspoon: Of course! These metaphorical differences between the two men who are pursuing me prove everything! I love Paul Rudd.

[she follows him to the BUS STOP and they KISS because they are PERFECT for each other because SURE SOULMATES RIGHT FINE]

Jack Nicholson: I’m going to prison for fraud LOL


Laura said...

The last line of this made me die.

BeckEye said...

^I'm with Laura! Hahahahaha.

Also, I WILL be Netflixing it because I can watch anything that features Paul Rudd. ANYTHING. Go ahead, Hollywood. Test me!