When I think of bare-knuckle boxing, land rushes, and the Irish, I think of one man: THE CRUISE. The follow-up to their I-hate-you-no-I-love-you roles in Days of Thunder, this flick pairs The Cruise with his far-too-tall-and/or-good-for-him ex-wife Nicole "I was good in To Die For and then I got addicted to Botox" Kidman. Laura McClain hasn't seen this film for a while, but she rocked this one pretty hard, I must say.
[it is IRELAND in the 1890’s]
Tom Cruise: I’m Irrrrrish! Heidy deidy deidy!
Irish Dad: I’m dying, son! Our beastly landlord has taken everything from us! Make sure you get some land, or you’re NOTHING. Make sure my dying words haunt you.
[he DIES, but then COMES back to LIFE, and then DIES again, and it is CONFUSING]
Tom Cruise: Me da is dead! I am indeed haunted by his dying words! LAND!
Greg from “Dharma and Greg”: Mwah ha ha! I have taken everything from you, Tom Cruise! Now I will burn down your shack and repossess your land!
[he TWIRLS his MUSTACHE for EFFECT]
Tom Cruise: But…land! Revenge will be mine!
[he RUNS through IRELAND like the LEPRECHAUN he is]
Nicole Kidman: SIGH. I’m so bored by my stiff, upper-class upbringing.
Nicole Kidman’s Mom: Shannon, come and play the piano for easily-shocked friends.
[Nicole Kidman PLAYS a ROUSING RAGTIME ditty, to INDICATE her MODERNITY]
Greg from “Dharma and Greg”: You won’t be playing such indecent music when we are married!
Nicole Kidman: Like THAT’S going to happen. HA!
Nicole Kidman’s Dad: Yeah…it’s gonna happen.
Nicole Kidman: NOOOOO!
[she RUNS to SULK in the BARN and sees STALKER Tom Cruise and STABS him in the THIGH with a PITCHFORK]
NKM: Let’s put this peasant up in our spare room while his stab wounds heal. Tend to the crazy murderer, my vulnerable, beautiful daughter.
[Nicole Kidman LOOKS at his JUNK which is UNDER a BOWL and is all IMPRESSED]
Tom Cruise: REVENGE!
[he STUMBLES down the STAIRS and TRIES to KILL Greg, but just FAINTS like a PANSY]
NKD: Oh, for God’s sake. Just duel tomorrow and get it over with.
Nicole Kidman: Hey idiot. Instead of getting yourself shot tomorrow, come to America with me as my serving boy.
Tom Cruise: I shall duel with honor!
[it is the FOGGY morning of the DUEL]
Tom Cruise: Eek! I can’t do it!
[they FLEE to a SHIP bound for AMERICA]
Nicole Kidman: I’m so glad I brought my collection of jewel-encrusted spoons! I shall sell them in America and live like a queen!
[she gets SWINDLED, of course, and LOSES her PRECIOUS spoons]
Tom Cruise: Ha! How does it feel to be on my level??
[they GO to LIVE in a WHOREHOUSE and PRETEND that they are BROTHER and SISTER, and SLYLY look at each other while UNDRESSING]
Nicole Kidman: I will work in a chicken-plucking factory. Oh, woe is me!
Tom Cruise: I shall start bare-fist boxing. Presumably in the lightweight division.
[Tom Cruise MAKES some SWEET cash and BUYS a lot of HATS and starts DATING the WHORES]
Nicole Kidman: I disapprove of your vulgar cash and large-breasted girlfriends! You look like a fool.
Tom Cruise: Say you like my hat, Shannon.*
Nicole Kidman: Never!
[he DUMPS her INTO a LAUNDRY vat of SCALDING water, that probably has IODINE or some other OLD-TIMEY poison in it]
Old Whore: Why don’t you just bang her and get it over with?
Tom Cruise: Ew! I mean….cause she’s my sister and all.
Whores: Ha ha. Whatever, dude.
Tom Cruise: Time to bare-fist box some more. I hope those hot dance-hall girls are here tonight…WHAAAA?
[he SEES Nicole Kidman DONE up like a HUSSY]
Nicole Kidman: I can make cash too!
[some GROSS boxing FANS try to GROPE her and Tom Cruise starts bare-fist BOXING them, and then gets FIRED from ILLEGAL BOXING, which doesn’t really make SENSE]
Old Whore: Sorry, you can’t live here anymore. The boxing promoter controls all!
Tom Cruise: But where will we go?
[to MAKE things more POIGNANT, it starts to SNOW]
Tom Cruise: Let’s sneak into that mansion and pretend that we live here.
Nicole Kidman: Cool.
[they ALMOST kiss, but are INTERRUPTED by the HOMEOWNER, who really OVERREACTS and SHOOTS Nicole Kidman]
Tom Cruise: Gah! What will I do!
[for SOME reason he REALIZES that her FAMILY moved, like DOWN the STREET]
Tom Cruise: How convenient…and very sad for me.
Greg from “Dharma and Greg”: We meet again! I’ll take your hot faux-sister slash pseudo-girlfriend. See you in hell.
[it is LATER, in Oklahoma]
Nicole Kidman: I’m so glad that the big climactic land run is tomorrow. It sucks hanging out with my comically refined mom and dad. And that mustache-twirling former landlord.
[she PINES for her SHORT former ROOMMATE]
Tom Cruise: Sup, Shannon. I bought a crazy maniacal horse, cause that’s my style. I’m going to grab some sweet land tomorrow.
Nicole Kidman: Not if I get there first!
[they GLARE at each other to DISGUISE the LUST]
Land-Running Chairman, or Something: On your marks, get set. go!
[he FIRES a GUN and EVERYONE rides off to get some DAMN LAND]
Greg from “Dharma and Greg”: This land is mine! For Shannon! RAR!
[he and Tom Cruise have a HORSE-RIDING fight and he knocks Tom Cruise onto a ROCK, KILLING him]
Nicole Kidman: NOOOO! I love him!
Tom Cruise: Hey, I’m still here.
Nicole Kidman: But…you died.
Tom Cruise: Remember when my dad died but then didn’t die but then died again? Like four hours ago? I guess it happened to me. But I didn’t die again.
Nicole Kidman + Audience: O….kay.
Tom Cruise: …….I’m not gay!