2.01.2008

Guest Post: Far and Away

When I think of bare-knuckle boxing, land rushes, and the Irish, I think of one man: THE CRUISE. The follow-up to their I-hate-you-no-I-love-you roles in Days of Thunder, this flick pairs The Cruise with his far-too-tall-and/or-good-for-him ex-wife Nicole "I was good in To Die For and then I got addicted to Botox" Kidman. Laura McClain hasn't seen this film for a while, but she rocked this one pretty hard, I must say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is IRELAND in the 1890’s]
Tom Cruise: I’m Irrrrrish! Heidy deidy deidy!
Irish Dad: I’m dying, son! Our beastly landlord has taken everything from us! Make sure you get some land, or you’re NOTHING. Make sure my dying words haunt you.
[he DIES, but then COMES back to LIFE, and then DIES again, and it is CONFUSING]

Tom Cruise:
Me da is dead! I am indeed haunted by his dying words! LAND!

Greg from “Dharma and Greg”:
Mwah ha ha! I have taken everything from you, Tom Cruise! Now I will burn down your shack and repossess your land!

[he TWIRLS his MUSTACHE for EFFECT]

Tom Cruise:
But…land! Revenge will be mine!

[he RUNS through IRELAND like the LEPRECHAUN he is]

Nicole Kidman:
SIGH. I’m so bored by my stiff, upper-class upbringing.

Nicole Kidman’s Mom:
Shannon, come and play the piano for easily-shocked friends.

[Nicole Kidman PLAYS a ROUSING RAGTIME ditty, to INDICATE her MODERNITY]

Greg from “Dharma and Greg”:
You won’t be playing such indecent music when we are married!

Nicole Kidman:
Like THAT’S going to happen. HA!

Nicole Kidman’s Dad:
Yeah…it’s gonna happen.

Nicole Kidman:
NOOOOO!

[she RUNS to SULK in the BARN and sees STALKER Tom Cruise and STABS him in the THIGH with a PITCHFORK]

NKM:
Let’s put this peasant up in our spare room while his stab wounds heal. Tend to the crazy murderer, my vulnerable, beautiful daughter.

[Nicole Kidman LOOKS at his JUNK which is UNDER a BOWL and is all IMPRESSED]

Tom Cruise:
REVENGE!

[he STUMBLES down the STAIRS and TRIES to KILL Greg, but just FAINTS like a PANSY]

NKD:
Oh, for God’s sake. Just duel tomorrow and get it over with.

Nicole Kidman:
Hey idiot. Instead of getting yourself shot tomorrow, come to America with me as my serving boy.

Tom Cruise:
I shall duel with honor!

[it is the FOGGY morning of the DUEL]

Tom Cruise:
Eek! I can’t do it!

[they FLEE to a SHIP bound for AMERICA]

Nicole Kidman:
I’m so glad I brought my collection of jewel-encrusted spoons! I shall sell them in America and live like a queen!

[she gets SWINDLED, of course, and LOSES her PRECIOUS spoons]

Tom Cruise:
Ha! How does it feel to be on my level??

[they GO to LIVE in a WHOREHOUSE and PRETEND that they are BROTHER and SISTER, and SLYLY look at each other while UNDRESSING]

Nicole Kidman:
I will work in a chicken-plucking factory. Oh, woe is me!

Tom Cruise:
I shall start bare-fist boxing. Presumably in the lightweight division.

[Tom Cruise MAKES some SWEET cash and BUYS a lot of HATS and starts DATING the WHORES]

Nicole Kidman:
I disapprove of your vulgar cash and large-breasted girlfriends! You look like a fool.

Tom Cruise:
Say you like my hat, Shannon.*

Nicole Kidman:
Never!

[he DUMPS her INTO a LAUNDRY vat of SCALDING water, that probably has IODINE or some other OLD-TIMEY poison in it]

Old Whore:
Why don’t you just bang her and get it over with?

Tom Cruise:
Ew! I mean….cause she’s my sister and all.

Whores:
Ha ha. Whatever, dude.

Tom Cruise:
Time to bare-fist box some more. I hope those hot dance-hall girls are here tonight…WHAAAA?

[he SEES Nicole Kidman DONE up like a HUSSY]

Nicole Kidman:
I can make cash too!

[some GROSS boxing FANS try to GROPE her and Tom Cruise starts bare-fist BOXING them, and then gets FIRED from ILLEGAL BOXING, which doesn’t really make SENSE]

Old Whore:
Sorry, you can’t live here anymore. The boxing promoter controls all!

Tom Cruise
: But where will we go?

[to MAKE things more POIGNANT, it starts to SNOW]

Tom Cruise
: Let’s sneak into that mansion and pretend that we live here.

Nicole Kidman:
Cool.

[they ALMOST kiss, but are INTERRUPTED by the HOMEOWNER, who really OVERREACTS and SHOOTS Nicole Kidman]

Tom Cruise
: Gah! What will I do!

[for SOME reason he REALIZES that her FAMILY moved, like DOWN the STREET]

Tom Cruise:
How convenient…and very sad for me.

Greg from “Dharma and Greg”:
We meet again! I’ll take your hot faux-sister slash pseudo-girlfriend. See you in hell.
[it is LATER, in Oklahoma]
Nicole Kidman:
I’m so glad that the big climactic land run is tomorrow. It sucks hanging out with my comically refined mom and dad. And that mustache-twirling former landlord.

[she PINES for her SHORT former ROOMMATE]

Tom Cruise:
Sup, Shannon. I bought a crazy maniacal horse, cause that’s my style. I’m going to grab some sweet land tomorrow.

Nicole Kidman:
Not if I get there first!

[they GLARE at each other to DISGUISE the LUST]

Land-Running Chairman, or Something:
On your marks, get set. go!

[he FIRES a GUN and EVERYONE rides off to get some DAMN LAND]

Greg from “Dharma and Greg”:
This land is mine! For Shannon! RAR!

[he and Tom Cruise have a HORSE-RIDING fight and he knocks Tom Cruise onto a ROCK, KILLING him]

Nicole Kidman:
NOOOO! I love him!

Tom Cruise:
Hey, I’m still here.

Nicole Kidman:
But…you died.

Tom Cruise
: Remember when my dad died but then didn’t die but then died again? Like four hours ago? I guess it happened to me. But I didn’t die again.

Nicole Kidman + Audience:
O….kay.

Tom Cruise:
…….I’m not gay!

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, so I've never actually seen a NK + TC movie. Do they make any attempt to disguise the fact that he is 1/3 her height? Do they really do fake Irish accents?

Donny B said...

When I read this, I like to picture Tom Cruise as an actual 3' leprechaun who says everything in a very urgent, intense, bad Irish brogue. And then I realize that I'm just remembering the movie exactly as is.

Movie Maven said...

I think the "heidy deidy deidy" really captured the essence of this film.

hot-ham-water said...

there is so much i want to say, but don't know if there are words.

i think i must see this little jewel of a film.

'cause this shit ain't for real.