11.23.2007

Days of Thunder


[it is a RACETRACK with a GLORIOUS 80s ROCK SOUNDTRACK]
Randy Quaid: I am rich, and feel like having a racing team. I need you to get off your tractor and build me a car.
Robert Duvall: I'm retired!
Randy Quaid: We know, you retired after the accident last year so you wouldn't get investigated. Now that the exposition's out of the way, can we build a race team? I'll get the driver if you get the car.
[they go to the RACETRACK to BORROW a car to TEST this new driver]
Robert Duvall: Who the hell is this new driver, anyway?
[Tom Cruise arrives on a MOTORCYCLE so you can tell he is a BADASS]
Tom Cruise: Hey, guys. My head of feathered hair and I are here to fucking race.
John C. Reilly: Hey! You're pretty good! I'll be here on the pit crew, though I am a way better actor than you.
Rowdy, the Requisite Nemesis: This rookie ain't no good.
[many RACES are shown in which Tom Cruise SUCKS and his nemesis FUCKS with him]
Robert Duvall: Goddamnit!! You are terrible! Tell me how to fix your car.
Tom Cruise: I actually don't know anything about cars. The shame!! The shammmmmme!! Also, I have issues with my father.
[they FIGURE something out via MONTAGE, and Robert Duvall tells Tom Cruise that his car has SPECIAL TIRES a la DUMBO'S MAGIC FEATHER]
Robert Duvall: Good job, son. You believed in yourself because I lied to you. And you won, so I hired this stripper to pretend to arrest you.
Tom Cruise: That's just what my dad would do. Now I shall triumph over my nemesis and have a meteoric rise to glory. I shall NEVER FAIL!!
[obviously, he CRASHES HORRIBLY, taking his NEMESIS with him]
Nicole Kidman: Hello. I'm your Australian doctor.
Tom Cruise: Are you sure you're not another stripper? You're quite beautiful for a neurologist.
Nicole Kidman: I am simultaneously insulted and intrigued.
[he sends her a MILLION BOUQUETS to make up for his GAFFE]
Randy Quaid: Well? Can he race again?
Nicole Kidman: As you can see from this incredibly vast wall of MRIs and other brain scan things, not yet.
Cary Elwes: Don't worry, Randy Quaid. I'll drive his car in the meantime. I have absolutely no machinations of taking over for him.
[Tom Cruise races his NEMESIS in a WHEELCHAIR to express his FRUSTRATION]
Nicole Kidman: Thanks for the flowers. Now I must examine you. And also make out with you.
[they BONE]
Tom Cruise: Allow me to use your leg and these packets of Equal to demonstrate a new racing technique that may or may not come up later.
[they go VISIT the nemesis and ride in a BOAT because they are now apparently BUDDIES and not NEMESES]
Nicole Kidman: Tom Cruise, you may drive. Rowdy, you may not.
Tom Cruise: That's okay. Cary Elwes is my new nemesis anyway.
[he RACES but has a PANIC ATTACK, which causes him to DRIVE DANGEROUSLY on the REAL ROAD]
Nicole Kidman: You're not fit to drive anywhere! You're just a scared, infantile egomaniac! Observe my acting skills in this monologue!!!
[Tom Cruise goes to visit ROWDY and forces him to get MEDICAL HELP by THREATENING him with a BASEBALL BAT]
Rowdy, the Requisite Nemesis-Turned-Friend: I gotta get a brain surgery. Promise me you'll drive my car at Daytona if anything happens to me.
Tom Cruise: I will. I give you my word. But only if Robert Duvall will help me.
Robert Duvall: Hell no! And don't you dare bring up my painful past that we last heard about in the exposition!
Tom Cruise: But I was going to use that to convince you to help me!
Robert Duvall: Oh. Well, in that case, go ahead.
[they FIGHT, but come to an AGREEMENT anyway]
Nicole Kidman: Why are you doing this? You're stupid!!
Tom Cruise: I'm more afraid of bein' nothin' than I am of bein' hurt.*
Nicole Kidman: Oh. Okay. Well, proceed.
[he RACES in Rowdy's car with a LOT OF MUSIC behind him]
Tom Cruise: Now I shall use the technique I showed you earlier to win!! Isn't it satisfying to know that everything we referenced earlier is tied up in a little bow?
Cary Elwes: Nooooooooo!!! If only I got all the foreshadowing!!!
[Tom Cruise WINS and KISSES Nicole Kidman]
Tom Cruise: I'm not gay!

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I like Nicole Kidman so much better when she is playing an Australian so that I don't have to cringe every eighth word when she accidentally pronounces it the wrong way.

Laura said...

Has Tom Cruise's movie alter-ego ever NOT had a problem with his father? I want to see Cruiser in a father-son buddy comedy. I think it might set the world on fire.

-Laura