[it is KIEV]
Random Russian Dude: Tell me the information I need!
Other Random Dude: Okay, here it is.
[the first Random Dude KILLS him and RIPS OFF his FACE to reveal the MANIACAL SMILE of Tom Cruise]
Tom Cruise: I am such an awesome secret agent.
[it is a PLANE]
Jon Voigt: Perhaps you could suggest a movie for me to watch, stewardess...I think you know what I mean.
Self-Destructing Video: Hi. Here's some exposition, such as your team and their skills, as well as their relationships to you. Now that that's taken care of, I'll blow up.
Jon Voigt: Okay, team, we have to catch a bad guy. He's trying to steal a list of of all of our agents.
Tom Cruise: Can I wear a costume?
Jon Voigt: Of course.
Emilio Estevez: I'll be in the elevator shaft, y'all.
Kristin Scott-Thomas: I'll be down on the floor, using a crazy infrared marking spray to mark our bad guy.
[they EXECUTE an ELABORATE PLAN to catch the BAD GUY that involves HACKING and THUMBPRINTS and CAMERA GLASSES]
Emilio Estevez: Why is this elevator moving? This isn't supposed to happ--
[he gets SPIKED on the top of the ELEVATOR SHAFT]
Jon Voigt: Shit! Abort! Abort!
[everyone gets KILLED except Tom Cruise]
Kittredge: So...since you're alive, you're clearly the mole. The whole thing was a setup. The list was a fake.
Tom Cruise: What? No! I mean, look at me! I'm AWESOME. I couldn't be a traitor! But if that's what you think...suck on THIS!
[he uses BOMB GUM to explode the AQUARIUM in the cafe because an aquarium EXPLODING is the BEST COVER EVER]
Tom Cruise: Now all I have to do is find the real mole, and I think the only way to do that is with an elaborate plan to find the buyer of the list, tell him it was a fake, get the real list, sell it to the buyer, and arrange a meeting between the buyer, the real mole and me. Easy!
Jon Voigt's Wife: Hey. I'm alive.
Tom Cruise: I do not trust you! Wait, you're crying. Okay, now I trust you.
[he FIGURES OUT that the BIBLE is involved and EMAILS a bunch of BIBLE GROUP people]
Extremely Clear User Interface: You have a new email. Go to a spy meeting.
Vanessa Redgrave: Hello. I am an extremely distinguished arms dealer. Thanks for letting me know that list was fake. Can you get me the real one?
Tom Cruise: Obviously. I'll just get some other disavowed agents to help me by pulling up the "Disavowed" list on IMF.com.
Jean Reno: Oui. I will help you.
Ving Rhames: I am the best, most badass hacker in the world, and I will also help you.
Tom Cruise: This is going to be the HARDEST JOB EVER because the room we need to break into has some very crazy, very unrealistic security measures. Fortunately, it is also equipped with a giant sign that displays whether those security measures are on or off, so we'll always know.
[they POISON the technician so he will be in the BATHROOM and get into the AIR VENTS and then RE-ROUTE the LASERS and then Jean Reno LOWERS Tom Cruise into the SECURE ROOM and they encounter OBSTACLES like RATS and ALMOST FALLING, but OVERCOME them]
Tom Cruise: This computer was surprisingly easy to break into, as long as I don't touch the floor or allow my sweat to drip on it.
[they are SUCCESSFUL and go to LONDON]
Kittredge [on phone]: We arrested your family! Turn yourself in!
Phone Tapping Guy: Just keep your eye on this huge countdown clock on the wall. That will tell you how long you need to keep him on the line.
Tom Cruise: Ha ha ha!! You'll never get me! I have my own countdown clock on the wall!
Jon Voigt: Sup. I'm not dead. And guess what...Kittredge is the mole.
[as he EXPLAINS, Tom Cruise sees in his MIND'S EYE how Jon Voigt is REALLY the mole and there is MORE BETRAYAL happening]
Tom Cruise: This will all come to a head on the TGV, because trains provide the perfect spy atmosphere.
[pretty much EVERY MAJOR CHARACTER is now on the TRAIN]
Vanessa Redgrave: Thanks for the list! Go get your money in this other car. Job is there.
Jon Voigt's Wife: Hey, baby...sorry about all the shenanigans, but I had to keep them up to betray Tom Cruise.
[Tom Cruise ONCE AGAIN pulls off his JON VOIGT MASK]
Tom Cruise: Suckaaaaaa!!
The Real Jon Voigt: Damn you! My conspiracy! It was PERFECT!!!
[he SHOOTS his wife for some reason]
Tom Cruise: Oh, also...you're on my camera glasses.
Jon Voigt: There's only one way to solve this. A fight on the roof of a moving train. Good job picking this meeting location.
[they BATTLE on the ROOF and are PURSUED by Jean Reno in a HELICOPTER, who is also apparently a BAD GUY]
Tom Cruise: Suck on this! I just attached your helicopter to the TRAIN! That's gonna be a tricky manuever.
Jean Reno: Sacre bleu!!
[both Tom Cruise and Jon Voigt JUMP onto the MOVING HELICOPTER and it is CRAZY]
Tom Cruise: Remember that bomb gum? Here comes some more, bitches.
[the helicopter EXPLODES because there have not yet been any AIRBORNE explosions and all the EXPLOSION QUOTAS need to be met]
Tom Cruise: That mission wasn't impossible...just improbable.
[he gets on a PLANE, where the STEWARDESS offers him a MOVIE and you're like UH OH...SEQUEL]
Tom Cruise: Thanks for the movie, toots. Oh, and...I'm not gay!