You've been very good for Cruise Week, so you get an extra-special bonus movie!
[it is NEW YORK]
Tom Cruise: I'm on top of the world! I'm the heir to a publishing fortune! Life RULES!
[he DRIVES through NEW YORK CITY and there is LITERALLY NO ONE there]
Tom Cruise: I'm freakin' out, man!! Oh, wait, it was just a dream.
[in a JAIL CELL, some time LATER]
Kurt Russell: Hey. I'm your psychologist. Typecasting, right? Ha ha ha...that was a joke. Anyway...we should talk about why you're in jail and also why you're wearing that freaky mask.
Tom Cruise in a Mask: Well...
Jason Lee: Hey, man! I'm your awesome BFF! Check out this hot girl I met! But let's not let her get between us, okay? We are bros.*
Penelope Cruz: Hola. Our last names are homonyms. Perhaps this is the only reason I have agreed to make this pale remake of a film I first did in my native tongue, espanol.
Tom Cruise: Hey...you're hot and Spanish. And that crazy chick I sometimes fuck is here. Let's hang out and make her jealous.
Cameron Diaz: Oh, you think I'm crazy? DO YOU? HUH? I'll show you crazy. But not now.
[Cruise and Cruz HOOK UP and it is TABLOID FODDER]
Tom Cruise: Oh, that was wonderful. I love waking up in a similar, but not identical way each day.
Cameron Diaz: Hey, want a ride?
Tom Cruise: Well, you seem very mentally imbalanced, so...sure.
Cameron Diaz: Why do you hate me? WHY??? WHYYYYYYYY?? If I can't have you, NO ONE CAN! Check out how CRAZY I AM NOW, BITCHES!!!
[she DRIVES her car off a BRIDGE in a TERRIBLE CRASH, KILLING herself and MAIMING Cruise]
Tom Cruise: Now I am horribly disfigured! Leave me alone, society! If I don't have my million - excuse me, TWENTY MILLION - dollar smile, I am nothing! NOTHING!
Jason Lee: Dude, seriously. You gotta get your act together.
Tom Cruise: I know! We'll go on a date with Cruz! Together! That won't be awkward at all.
[it is TOTALLY AWKWARD and he ends up DRUNK in the STREET]
Penelope Cruz: Although you are drunk in the street, I will be with you.
[he gets his face FIXED up GOOD AS NEW with MODERN SURGICAL TECHNIQUES]
Tom Cruise: That was easy. Toooooo easy...wait a minute! Cameron Diaz?!?! You're DEAD!
[he BEATS her up]
Jason Lee: Why'd you beat up that hot Spanish girl? I thought we were bros!!!
Tom Cruise: But...I...I beat up Cameron Diaz! I'm so confused!
Mysterious Stranger: You know you control the world, right?
Tom Cruise: You're not helping, mysterious stranger!!!
[he BREAKS into the apartment he THOUGHT was Cruz's but it there are INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPHS of Cameron EVERYWHERE]
Cameron Diaz: Aaaaa! Get out! I'm Cruz! I AM CRUZ!
Tom Cruise: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?
Penelope Cruz: Oh, hey. Let's have sex.
[they DO, but in the MIDDLE, she TURNS INTO Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise KILLS her but then she is Penelope Cruz again and he is WRACKED with GUILT]
Kurt Russell: Ohhhhhhkayyyyy...
Conveniently Placed Commercial: Come to Life Extension, where we freeze you when you die and then wake you up later.
Kurt Russell: Hmmm...that was so conveniently placed that it MUST be meaningful.
[they go to the OFFICES and it is all FUTUREY]
Tilda Swinton: So here's the deal: everything after you were drunk in the street? That wasn't real. Turns out you stayed horribly disfigured after your accident, never saw Cruz again, and killed yourself. So right now you're actually dead, and frozen, in our labs in Cleveland. But you bought our Lucid Dream package which, apparently, has some glitches. Kurt Russell here isn't even real.
Kurt Russell: But! I! Wha!
Tilda Swinton: So you can either go back into the dream, or literally wake up, which is also sort of figurative, and deep, or something.
Tom Cruise: I guess I'll wake up.
Tilda Swinton: Bear in mind that it's actually 150 years later than you think it is.
Tom Cruise: What? This is crazy, you guys. But, sure, okay, the future. I'll jump off a building. I'll see you in another life, when we are both cats.*
Penelope Cruz: You know, that sounded a lot better when I said it earlier.
[Tom Cruise JUMPS off the building and sees a bunch of SCENES from his LIFE and also LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and the RED BALLOON]
Tom Cruise: [as he FALLS] I'm not gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!