Raiders of the Lost Ark

Since we'll soon be seeing our favorite action hero/archaeologist back on the big screen, it made sense to finally do these. The second and third (and fourth) installments are forthcoming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the JUNGLE]
Harrison Ford: You'd never know it from my superhero-like skills, but I am actually a mild-mannered professor of archaeology. Come on, faithful helper, let's go through this bug-infested cave and get that idol.
[they make it through, like, A MILLION traps because he is SUPER-SMART, but are THWARTED at the LAST MINUTE and pursued by a HUGE-ASS BOULDER]
Alfred Molina: Throw me the idol, and I throw you the whip!*
[he DOES]
Alfred Molina: Suckaaaaaa!
[he gets KILLED by a BOOBY TRAP because he is STUPID]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaa!
[his FRENCH NEMESIS steals the idol from him upon his EMERGENCE from the CAVE]
Belloc: Suckaaaaaaa!
[Indy ESCAPES in a PLANE that has SNAKES in it, though he HATES snakes]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaa!! Get these snakes away from me!
[meanwhile, back in LECTURE]
Harrison Ford: And that's why we...wait, have you written something on your eyelids? "Love you"? Wow, that's commitment. But sorry, I don't date students.
Some Guys: So, we'd like you to get the ark of the covenant for us before the Nazis do.
Harrison Ford: Okay. But you should know that it's kind of dangerous.
[he shows them a PICTURE of the ARK with CRAZY GOD LIGHTNING coming out of it]
One Guy: Good God.*
Indy's Boss/Friend: That's just what the Hebrews said.*
Harrison Ford: K, I'm all over this. If you need me, please refer to this red line showing my flight path to Nepal.
[meanwhile, in a DIVEY BAR in NEPAL]
Karen Allen: You thought you could beat me at a drinking competition? FOOLS!!
Harrison Ford: Sup.
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE]
Harrison Ford: Okay, I probably deserved that. Can I please have this one artifact of your father's?
Karen Allen: Give me some money. I hate you.
[some NAZIS show up and BURN DOWN the bar]
Round-Glasses Torturer Nazi: Oh, look! The artifact we need! I'll just pick it up, though it's made of metal and has been lying in this fireAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[he BURNS the SHIT out of his HAND and the Nazis BOUNCE]
Karen Allen: Well, now that all my money is burned, I'm your partner.
[they go to CAIRO by way of the RED LINE AIRPLANE]
Sala: Welcome, welcome, my friends! I am a jolly and loyal friend, the best thing to have when Nazis are pursuing you.
[they find a MONKEY]
Belloc: Look, just give me the thing we need to find the Ark.
Harrison Ford: No way.
[there is a BUNCH of CHASING and Indy SHOOTS a dude who THREATENS him with SWORDS and then his GIRLFRIEND hides in a BASKET and gets BLOWN UP]
Harrison Ford: Noooooooo!!! I will eat this date to assuage my sorrow.
[Sala CATCHES the date in the AIR because he sees the DEAD MONKEY and KNOWS that the dates are POISONED]
Sala: Bad dates.*
[they go to the DIG SITE in DISGUISES to get to the MAP ROOM because they know that the NAZIS are DIGGING in the WRONG PLACE]
Harrison Ford: Okay, I have the correct location of the Well of Sorrows. Let's go dig there. Surely, no one will notice an entirely new crew digging in an entirely new place.
[he STUMBLES into a TENT and finds his GIRL,who is NOT blown up]
Karen Allen: Get me out of here!
Harrison Ford: Uh...sorry. Later, I will. But for now, just stay here and wear the gown that my French Nemesis gives you and get him drunk and try to escape.
[she DOES]
Belloc: Waaaaaiiiit aaaaaa minute...who are those people digging over there?
[he DISCOVERS the Well of Sorrows, which has, like, MILLIONS of snakes in it, and TAKES the ARK away from INDY]
Belloc: Perhaps in a thousand years...even you will be worth something.
[he DROPS Karen Allen DOWN and LEAVES them to DIE but CLEARLY he does NOT know who he is DEALING with, because they TOTALLY ESCAPE]
Harrison Ford: Let's get out of here. First, I just have to fight some more dudes awesomely and kill a guy with an airplane propeller, though.
[they get CAPTURED again and have a CAR/HORSE chase through the DESERT and it is MAD AWESOME]
Harrison Ford: Sweet! We can hide the truck and win the day!!
[they put the ARK on a SHIP with Sala's FRIEND and everything is GREAT]
Karen Allen: So, I guess this is the part where we get it on.
Harrison Ford: Dude. I just got dragged behind a truck. I am in NO MOOD. But my elbow doesn't hurt.
[she KISSES his ELBOW]
Harrison Ford: ...and my eye doesn't hurt.
[she KISSES his EYE]
Harrison Ford: ...and my lips. Okay, fine, let's do it.
[he FALLS asleep]
Karen Allen: Blerg.
[the NAZIS come back and SEIZE the ARK, as well as the GIRL, and TAKE them to a SECRET NAZI ISLAND]
Harrison Ford: I'm going to blow up the Ark!
Belloc: No you're not.
Harrison Ford: Shit. You're right. I'm not.
Belloc: Okay, let's open the Ark. Surely, nothing terrible could come of this.
[a BUNCH of CRAZY SHIT happens]
Round-Glasses Torturer Nazi: My faaaaace!!! It's melting!!!!
Harrison Ford: Don't open your eyes!
[they SURVIVE the ARK OPENING and return to WASHINGTON]
Harrison Ford: We really need to study the Ark, though, you guys.
Some Bureaucrat: Don't worry. We've got top men working on it.
Harrison Ford: Who?*
Some Bureaucrat: Top. Men.*
[the ARK is put in a HUGE WAREHOUSE, never to be SEEN again]