5.12.2008

The Fall


[it is LOS ANGELES]
Insanely Adorable Child: La, la, la...my arm is broken, so I have to be in the hospital, which I apparently can wander around all the livelong day. But where is that note I wrote to the nice nurse?
[she wanders into a ROOM with a HOT MAN in it]
Broken Lee Pace: Is this your note? Am I super-attractive even though I am in a hospital bed? The answer to both things is yes.
Insanely Adorable Child: Tell me a story.
Broken Lee Pace: Perhaps I can use this child to my advantage. Once upon a time, there were some bandits...
[he DESCRIBES the bandits, who have BRIGHTLY COLORED COSTUMES, and Charles Darwin is involved and wears a CRAZY FUR COAT]
Black Bandit, Played by a Random: Yes, my friends, we shall escape this tiny island! I must avenge my brother's death!
Insanely Adorable Child: Why is the black bandit talk like that? Make him talk normal, like you.
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Let us go, my band of...bandits! We are tied together by our hatred of Governor Odious!
[they TRAVEL over SWEEPING VISTAS and LUSH SCENERY for, like, EVER and find some NATIVES who do a DANCE to show them the WAY]
Broken Lee Pace: Now go get me some morphine from the dispensary. I need it to sleep. And I can't tell the story if I can't sleep.
Insanely Adorable Child: Why?
Broken Lee Pace: Because you are too young to realize that I am manipulating you. Also, I want to die.
[she GETS the MORPHINE, but not ENOUGH, but he CONTINUES the story ANYWAY]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Look! Governor Odious' caravan! Let's travel across this stunning visual and attack it.
[they DO, and find a PRINCESS who is played by the NICE NURSE]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: I have to kill you, because you are Governor Odious' fiancee.
[he TRIES, but the bullet is STOPPED by her LOCKET]
One of the Bandits: The locket says "whoever can open this locket is the person to whom my heart belongs, and when you find that person, you should hold on to him, forever and...
Black Bandit Lee Pace: It says all that in that little locket?*
One of the Bandits: Si.*
Black Bandit Lee Pace: Let's get married.
Princess Nurse: Okay.
[they DO, but are BETRAYED by the PRIEST]
Governor Odious' Men: You are captured!
[the BANDITS all get CAPTURED and TIED UP in a SWEEPING VISTA]
Insanely Adorable Child in a Mini-Black Bandit Costume: It's me! It's me! I'm here to save you!
Broken Lee Pace: Okay, now get me that medication, and once I go to sleep, get lost, kid. I've used you as much as I can.
[he DRIFTS OFF and you see a BODY BAG and you TOTALLY think it's him but it's his ROOMMATE]
Insanely Adorable Child: Finish the story! Finish the story! I'll get you more medicine! Just finish the story!
[she goes BACK to the DISPENSARY and SLIPS on something and FALLS and it is AWFUL and there is a FREAKY-ASS MONTAGE of DOLLS and BUTTERFLIES and WEIRD SHIT]
Broken Lee Pace: I'm sorry I used you to try to commit suicide.
Insanely Adorable Child: FINISH THE STORY!
[he DOES, and systematically KILLS OFF every CHARACTER, starting with Charles Darwin's PET MONKEY and it is SO SAD]
Black Bandit Lee Pace: So, Governor Odious, it is down to you, and it is down to me.
[they FIGHT and he LOSES to Governor Odious, who is PLAYED by the ACTOR who played a JERK who stole Broken Lee Pace's GIRLFRIEND]
Insanely Adorable Child: GET UP! HE CAN'T DIE! HE CAN'T LOSE! GET UP!
[he DOES, and WINS]
Hospital Staff: Now, let's all watch the movie that Lee Pace was making when he hurt himself.
[the CHILD returns to the ORANGE GROVES and tells the audience about many STUNTMEN]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Um, WTF.

John A said...

I just finally saw this, and the child was so cute that I nearly went into cardiac arrest.

When I'd initially read this review, I thought "wow, that sounds effed up", and now having seen it, it's even more effed up than you described. Very glad I caught on the big screen.

Movie Maven said...

Right?! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I wasn't sure how I felt about it at first, but every time I thought about it in the days after I saw it, I liked it more.