5.19.2008

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

As promised, here is the second installment. This is probably the one of the trilogy I've seen the most times, not because it's entirely my favorite, but because when I was a kid and lived in England, we had, like, two movies, one of which was this, and the other of which was The Pirates of Penzance, which my baby brother learned all of the words to, thus proving that you cannot make someone gay, because if you could, he would be so, so gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is SHANGHAI]
Kate Capshaw: My husband made this movie. Suck on that, everyone. Now watch while I sing "Anything Goes" in Chinese. WATCH! WATCH MY IMPOSSIBLE PRODUCTION NUMBER!
Harrison Ford: Um...this is my movie. Also, I am mad dapper.
[there is a SCUFFLE involving a DIAMOND and some POISON and an ANTIDOTE and a LAZY SUSAN that ends with a FALL into a CAR driven by a LITERAL CHILD]
Short Round: DAHCTAH JONES! We go to airport, Red Line Airline is waiting for us.
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwwww! A child!
Harrison Ford: Sigh. Everyone just stop bickering or this is going to be a long adventure. Now, let's get in this plane. Suck on that, Lao Che!!
[he CLOSES the airplane door and it's TOTALLY Lao Che's PLANE and you're like UH OH]
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwwwww! A freight plane!
[the pilots BAIL and also DRAIN all the FUEL]
Harrison Ford: Sigh. I guess we'll have to use this raft to escape, though that is probably not possible. But still awesome.
[they RIDE the raft down a FUCKING HUGE MOUNTAIN and into a RIVER, where they are STARED AT by an OLD DUDE]
Old Dude: Some bad guys stole our rock, and all our kids. Here, have some bugs to eat.
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwwww! Bugs!
Harrison Ford: All right, let's ride these conveniently-sized elephants to find the rock and kids. But first, we'll stop in the jungle and play cards.
Short Round: YOU CHEAT, DAHCTAH JONES!*
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwww! Nature!
Harrison Ford: I still hate snakes.
[they end up at the MAHARAJAH'S palace]
Kate Capshaw: Oooooh!! A Maharajah!
Maharajah: Hi. I'm 12 years old. Please enjoy this dinner of snakes, eyeball soup, and monkey brains.
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwww! Another child! And gross things! Ewwwwwwwww!
Harrison Ford: You are annoying, but hot. Have some apples. I'd like to study your mating customs.
[they BICKER to show how HOT they are for each other and Indy gets ATTACKED by a dude who ends up dying via CEILING FAN]
Kate Capshaw: Come onnnnnn. You're so rugged! Please do me!
Harrison Ford: Look, I just almost died, lady. I think the secret entrance must be accessed by pushing on these marble boobs.
[it IS]
Short Round: Now I am here also!
[they get into a TIGHT SPOT and are ALMOST KILLED, again]
Harrison Ford: We. Are going. TO DIE.*
Kate Capshaw: Ewwwww! Dying!
[she SAVES them sort of ACCIDENTALLY and they find a CRAZY TEMPLE with a FIRE PIT]
Scary Dude: KALIIII MAAAAAA!
Guy in a cage: WAAAAAAAA!
[the scary guy YANKS out his HEART and SHOWS it to him, RIGHT in his FACE]
Harrison Ford: Sweet. It's the missing rock. Stay here while I go get it.
[they all get BUSTED and IMPRISONED in various ways]
Scary Dude: Drink this blood! Then you will be like our zombie! HAHAHAHA!
Harrison Ford: But will I still be extremely attractive? And also shirtless?
Scary Dude: Yes.
Harrison Ford: Okay.
[he is AWAKE, but in a NIGHTMARE, and ALMOST lowers Kate Capshaw into the FIRE PIT, but Short Round is ON IT]
Harrison Ford: Thanks for waving that torch in my face. Now we're getting out of here - all of us.*
[they SET FREE all the ENSLAVED CHILDREN]
Maharajah: No way are you escaping! I have also drunk the blood. I will stab remotely by using this voodoo doll.
Harrison Ford: Ow! My everything!
[Short Round is ON IT again]
Maharajah: Thanks for the torch wave. Listen, to escape, you must take the left tunnel. For real. The left one. This is not a joke.
[OBVIOUSLY, they end up taking the RIGHT one, which is the WRONG one, and are PURSUED by BAD GUYS and WATER]
Scary Dude: We need those rocks for their power! Fortunately, we are now on this rope bridge, and we have the upper hand.
Harrison Ford: So you might think...but you would think wrong!
[he CUTS the bridge and they all FALL and it is AMAZING and the BAD GUY gets EATEN by ALLIGATORS]
Harrison Ford: Hooray! I saved the rock and the kids! Fortune and glory!
The Town: Thanks!
[he GRABS Kate Capshaw with his WHIP and it is, like, SO HOT]

6 comments:

Laura said...

This is the Indiana Jones movie that I pretend doesn't exist. It's unnecessarily gross and Kate Capshaw is ridiculous. But that whip grab is crazy hot.

Kate said...

I also watched this Indiana Jones movie incessantly as a child, as it was the only one we owned, until we taped "Last Crusade" off of that free week of HBO.

Bob said...

'Temple' is my favorite one.
ohm numa shi vaiyay, ohm numa shi vaiyay, ohm numa shi vaiyay, ohm numa shi vaiyay

Movie Maven said...

Such wildly varying opinions!

I like the part where he goes KALI MAAAA SHAK TI DAYYY

lfar said...

This post is beautiful. I just re-watched this movie recently. You've captured it all.

John A said...

If Temple of Doom was a big part of your upbringing, you should check this out...