Raiders of the Lost Ark

Since we'll soon be seeing our favorite action hero/archaeologist back on the big screen, it made sense to finally do these. The second and third (and fourth) installments are forthcoming.
[it is the JUNGLE]
Harrison Ford: You'd never know it from my superhero-like skills, but I am actually a mild-mannered professor of archaeology. Come on, faithful helper, let's go through this bug-infested cave and get that idol.
[they make it through, like, A MILLION traps because he is SUPER-SMART, but are THWARTED at the LAST MINUTE and pursued by a HUGE-ASS BOULDER]
Alfred Molina: Throw me the idol, and I throw you the whip!*
[he DOES]
Alfred Molina: Suckaaaaaa!
[he gets KILLED by a BOOBY TRAP because he is STUPID]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaa!
[his FRENCH NEMESIS steals the idol from him upon his EMERGENCE from the CAVE]
Belloc: Suckaaaaaaa!
[Indy ESCAPES in a PLANE that has SNAKES in it, though he HATES snakes]
Harrison Ford: Suckaaaaa!! Get these snakes away from me!
[meanwhile, back in LECTURE]
Harrison Ford: And that's why we...wait, have you written something on your eyelids? "Love you"? Wow, that's commitment. But sorry, I don't date students.
Some Guys: So, we'd like you to get the ark of the covenant for us before the Nazis do.
Harrison Ford: Okay. But you should know that it's kind of dangerous.
[he shows them a PICTURE of the ARK with CRAZY GOD LIGHTNING coming out of it]
One Guy: Good God.*
Indy's Boss/Friend: That's just what the Hebrews said.*
Harrison Ford: K, I'm all over this. If you need me, please refer to this red line showing my flight path to Nepal.
[meanwhile, in a DIVEY BAR in NEPAL]
Karen Allen: You thought you could beat me at a drinking competition? FOOLS!!
Harrison Ford: Sup.
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE]
Harrison Ford: Okay, I probably deserved that. Can I please have this one artifact of your father's?
Karen Allen: Give me some money. I hate you.
[some NAZIS show up and BURN DOWN the bar]
Round-Glasses Torturer Nazi: Oh, look! The artifact we need! I'll just pick it up, though it's made of metal and has been lying in this fireAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[he BURNS the SHIT out of his HAND and the Nazis BOUNCE]
Karen Allen: Well, now that all my money is burned, I'm your partner.
[they go to CAIRO by way of the RED LINE AIRPLANE]
Sala: Welcome, welcome, my friends! I am a jolly and loyal friend, the best thing to have when Nazis are pursuing you.
[they find a MONKEY]
Belloc: Look, just give me the thing we need to find the Ark.
Harrison Ford: No way.
[there is a BUNCH of CHASING and Indy SHOOTS a dude who THREATENS him with SWORDS and then his GIRLFRIEND hides in a BASKET and gets BLOWN UP]
Harrison Ford: Noooooooo!!! I will eat this date to assuage my sorrow.
[Sala CATCHES the date in the AIR because he sees the DEAD MONKEY and KNOWS that the dates are POISONED]
Sala: Bad dates.*
[they go to the DIG SITE in DISGUISES to get to the MAP ROOM because they know that the NAZIS are DIGGING in the WRONG PLACE]
Harrison Ford: Okay, I have the correct location of the Well of Sorrows. Let's go dig there. Surely, no one will notice an entirely new crew digging in an entirely new place.
[he STUMBLES into a TENT and finds his GIRL,who is NOT blown up]
Karen Allen: Get me out of here!
Harrison Ford: Uh...sorry. Later, I will. But for now, just stay here and wear the gown that my French Nemesis gives you and get him drunk and try to escape.
[she DOES]
Belloc: Waaaaaiiiit aaaaaa minute...who are those people digging over there?
[he DISCOVERS the Well of Sorrows, which has, like, MILLIONS of snakes in it, and TAKES the ARK away from INDY]
Belloc: Perhaps in a thousand years...even you will be worth something.
[he DROPS Karen Allen DOWN and LEAVES them to DIE but CLEARLY he does NOT know who he is DEALING with, because they TOTALLY ESCAPE]
Harrison Ford: Let's get out of here. First, I just have to fight some more dudes awesomely and kill a guy with an airplane propeller, though.
[they get CAPTURED again and have a CAR/HORSE chase through the DESERT and it is MAD AWESOME]
Harrison Ford: Sweet! We can hide the truck and win the day!!
[they put the ARK on a SHIP with Sala's FRIEND and everything is GREAT]
Karen Allen: So, I guess this is the part where we get it on.
Harrison Ford: Dude. I just got dragged behind a truck. I am in NO MOOD. But my elbow doesn't hurt.
[she KISSES his ELBOW]
Harrison Ford: ...and my eye doesn't hurt.
[she KISSES his EYE]
Harrison Ford: ...and my lips. Okay, fine, let's do it.
[he FALLS asleep]
Karen Allen: Blerg.
[the NAZIS come back and SEIZE the ARK, as well as the GIRL, and TAKE them to a SECRET NAZI ISLAND]
Harrison Ford: I'm going to blow up the Ark!
Belloc: No you're not.
Harrison Ford: Shit. You're right. I'm not.
Belloc: Okay, let's open the Ark. Surely, nothing terrible could come of this.
[a BUNCH of CRAZY SHIT happens]
Round-Glasses Torturer Nazi: My faaaaace!!! It's melting!!!!
Harrison Ford: Don't open your eyes!
[they SURVIVE the ARK OPENING and return to WASHINGTON]
Harrison Ford: We really need to study the Ark, though, you guys.
Some Bureaucrat: Don't worry. We've got top men working on it.
Harrison Ford: Who?*
Some Bureaucrat: Top. Men.*
[the ARK is put in a HUGE WAREHOUSE, never to be SEEN again]


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I've actually never seen this movie but it sounds SO AWESOME. Full of chicks and punches!

Movie Maven said...

a) you must see it immediamente.
b) only the kind with your fist, not the kind in a bowl

Nicky said...

laurie, honestly I am not sure we can be friends anymore until you see this movie, for real. MM, my fav line is... i will eat this date to assuage my sorrow, and RED LINE AIRLINE!

michael said...

Anna, you must have seen this as many times as I have. That's an awfully detailed summary.

Laurie, I was watching another movie with some friends last night, and we found out someone else hadn't seen it (Katjusa, Anna, because the world is tiny), so we're planning to see it some time soon. Want me to invite you?

Movie Maven said...

I did watch it very recently, but yes...many, many times. I even saw Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation

BeckEye said...

I haven't seen this movie in SO long. I probably should watch it again.

KirBir said...

Being a super fun movie buff myself, I totally love your blog.

What're the asterisks for though?

Movie Maven said...


This is explained in the sidebar, but since you asked after flattering me: When you see an asterisk, you're reading an actual line from the movie that I deemed worthy of repeating.

Bayjb said...

This is genius. I recently re-watched Raiders myself and yes it's hammy but when I was a kid growing up watching this, it was AWESOME. Still my favorite.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I finally watched this, thanks to Russell! Amazing! You captured it perfectly.