1.20.2008

27 Dresses

The part about the slow clap below is true, y'all. I mean, in terms of your basic rom-coms, this one was made better by the comedy stylings of Ms. Heigl, and the hottttttness of Mr. Marsden, but those lines...those lines could not go by unnoticed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is 1986 in NEW JERSEY]
Li'l Katherine Heigl: I learned at a young age that I could be the BEST BRIDESMAID IN THE WORLD. And that's just what I did.
[it is 2007 inNEW YORK]
Katherine Heigl: Hey, cabbie! I got two weddings to be at tonight, and one is in Brooklyn, and I have to wear a sari at one of them to make it EVEN MORE ZANY. Let's go!
James Marsden: I am intrigued by this woman who seems to be naked in the back of a cab. Perhaps I shall find a way to somehow meet her again.
[she FORTUITOUSLY leaves her DATEBOOK, which for some reason she calls a FILOFAX since she is apparently an 80s BUSINESSWOMAN, in the cab, and he FINDS it]
James Marsden: Ha HA! The perfect solution!
[she receives a RIDICULOUSLY HUGE bouquet from a SECRET ADMIRER]
Katherine Heigl: I wonder if they're from my boss, on whom I have a huge, unrequited crush. They must be!! A romantic like me, who collects wedding stories from the paper, would jump to that conclusion.
Judy Greer: Hey, it's me, your sarcastic best friend, reporting for wisecracking duty. Obviously they're not from him, since literally everyone except him knows you're madly in love with him. Don't go all Laura Linney in Love Actually on me, now.
Katherine Heigl: Fine. Fine!! I'll tell him. But I have to go pick my sister up at the airport, though I clearly don't have a car.
Pretty Younger Sister: Hiiiiii!!! I'm back!! Thanks for being so responsible! I'm so pretty!
[they go to a GOTH engagement party that must be EDGY because it's on ST MARK'S and AVE A]
Katherine Heigl: Okay, this is it. I'm going to tell him how I fee-
[her SISTER and her BOSS meet and IMMEDIATELY fall in LOVE]
Katherine Heigl: Of course.
James Marsden: Hey, here's your datebook. You might notice that I wrote my phone number all over it, so as to make this extremely adorable.
Katherine Heigl: I hate you! But somehow I enjoy fighting with you. I'm so confused!! I have to go plan my sister's wedding now, since she and the man of my dreams got engaged, like, right away.
[she does EVERYTHING to help her sister, though her sister is a BRAT who LIES to her fiance about LIKING DOGS and being a VEGETARIAN]
James Marsden: Guess what! I'm the guy who writes all those wedding stories you love so much! And I'm doing one on your sister. Can I come in to your apartment and ask you some que--WAIT A MINUTE. You have a ridiculously large closet full of bridesmaid dresses.
[she tries on EVERY DRESS in the closet to an UPBEAT POP SONG while he takes PICTURES and they LAUGH ADORABLY]
James Marsden [musing]: This would make a great article for my fictitious paper. I better write the whole thing, send it to my editor, and then tell her not to print it. That won't have a bad outcome at ALL.
Edward Burns: Want to help me pick out food for my wedding with your sister, since I clearly still don't know that you love me?
Katherine Heigl: [swoons]
James Marsden: I just figured out that you love your sister's fiance! Suckaaaaa!!
Katherine Heigl: But - I - you SHUT UP!!
[they go SOMEWHERE in the STICKS for a FLIMSY REASON and the car gets STUCK in MUD, forcing them to walk in the RAIN to a random BAR]
James Marsden: Well, we might as well get drunk, sing "Bennie and the Jets," dance on the bar, kiss, and end up screwing in your dad's Volvo.
[they DO]
Katherine Heigl: Hey, you're not so bad after all.
[she sees the ARTICLE in the PAPER and feels BETRAYED]
Pretty Younger Sister: Oh, I hope you don't mind that I completely altered our mother's wedding dress, the one you loved and I hated.
Katherine Heigl: GAAAAHHHHH!!! My life is a shambles!!
[she makes a MEAN slideshow about how her sister loves RIBS and everyone is SAD]
Katherine Heigl: Look, sorry about the slideshow.
Pretty Younger Sister: My life's not perfect either. Let's hug.
Edward Burns: Quick! I need a date for this important event! I know you won't say no, faithful assistant!
Katherine Heigl: Hooray! I finally got the man of my dreams! But now I realize this isn't what I want at all. I have learned a life lesson.
[her CELL PHONE rings and it is BENNIE AND THE JETS and she KNOWS what she has to do - RUN LIKE THE WIND, since getting the LOVE of your LIFE always involves RUNNING]
Katherine Heigl: I must tell him right away! I will even jump onto a moving boat!
Bride at Random Wedding She Just Crashed: OMG! You're the girl from the paper! Welcome to my wedding! Please, take the microphone and declare your love for the reporter covering my wedding. I don't mind at all!
Katherine Heigl: So, I think I love you, James Marsden.
James Marsden: [in literally the SEXIEST VOICE EVER] Get over here.*
[they KISS and everyone is HAPPY]
Katherine Heigl: Then we got married. And I wasn't a bridesmaid. And for some reason, I had all 27 of the brides wear the dresses they made me wear, and it was really weird.
James Marsden: Is it everything you hoped for?*
Katherine Heigl: No...it's more.*
Me, in the audience: [slow clap]
Jonathan from 30 Rock: Hey, I'm the guy's best friend, and you're the girl's best friend. Wanna make a bet on whether we hook up?
Judy Greer: Do I ever!!

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

A few thoughts:

(1) I don't know if Katherine Heigl has, like, masterfully designed her career or if she's just lucky but it seems like in general she has done things that people/critics like. So far.

(2) I almost met James Marsden. TWICE. (Because he was on Second Noah which is a TV show that you probably do not remember at all but was filmed basically next door to my grandparents' house in Tampa.

(3) "I hate you! But somehow I enjoy fighting with you. I'm so confused!!" could be the summary of every romantic comedy ever in history, I think.

BeckEye said...

I practically lived this movie so I don't need to see it. I've been in 9 weddings and have a closet full of crappy dresses that I'll never wear again.

I didn't live the part where I got to get it on with James Marsden. THAT is a bummer.

Movie Maven said...

oh MAN. i can't say i feel your pain, but i can imagine it. "you could just shorten them and wear them again" was said MANY a time in the movie.

but i can say i feel your pain on not getting it on with the marsden. serious bummer.

Laura said...

I saw this last night with my friend Sean and told him about your slow clap. We decided to bring it to Chicago, and thusly did a slow clap of our own. Some people seemed annoyed, but some sassy teens next to us totally slow clapped it up with us. Also, this movie is terrible.