1.20.2008

Troy

There were THIRTEEN poster options on impawards.com, the source for most of my poster images (hosted by photobucket). Fortunately, I was able to choose one with The Bana rather than stupid Pitt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is ANCIENT GREECE]
Brian Cox:
Look, Thessalonians, you've basically got two choices. Give it up now, or fight us. We're going to conquer you either way, so...
King of Thessaly: How about our best warrior fight your best warrior?
[the HUGEST DUDE EVER emerges from the THRONG of THESSALONIANS]
Brian Cox: Where's Achilles? Is he pouting in his tent again? God. Go get him.
Brad Pitt: Ugh. More fighting? Fine.
[he STABS the huge dude, like, IMMEDIATELY]
Brad Pitt: Saved your ass again, Agamemnon.
[meanwhile, in MYCENAE]
Menelaus: Thanks for visiting us, princes of Troy. Peace is awesome.
[Paris and Helen STARE at each other in a way that should be HOT but really isn't THAT HOT]
Orlando Bloom: Hey.
Helen: Go away. I don't want you here.
Orlando Bloom: That's not what you said last night.* BURNNNNNN!!
[they RUN AWAY together]
Eric Bana: You idiot! Now the Greeks are going to send a thousand ships after us.
[they DO]
Brad Pitt: I shall teach you to fight, my young, hot, limber cousin. Let us sweat in the sun together while I watch your youthful body glisten.
Sean Bean: Achilles! We need you to come fight Troy with us. Think of the glory.
Brad Pitt: I guess. But only if I can pout in my tent a lot. And bring my boy toy. And also if my name will be remembered through the ages.
Sean Bean: Deal. Though I really don't think I have a whole lot of control over that last one.
[they go to TROY in a lot of CGI SHIPS and Achilles' ship has a BLACK FLAG because he is a PUNK ROCKER]
Brad Pitt: Haaaaaaa!! Let's raid the temple of Apollo! That won't anger any gods!!
Eric Bana: Dude, stop dissing my gods.
[the GREEKS steal a PRIESTESS who is also Hector and Paris' COUSIN and she is given to ACHILLES as an AMUSEMENT]
Briseis: Now I shall stab you! Wait a second. You're kind of hot, for a Greek.
[they BONE]
Orlando Bloom: I challenge you to a fight, King Menelaus! Fear my baby-smooth skin and my beardless cheek!
[they FIGHT and Paris is DEFEATED and clings to his brother's LEG in SHAME]
Menelaus: You pansy!
[Hector STABS him]
Brian Cox: Oh HELLLLLL no! IT'S ON.
[they BATTLE for, like, EVER]
Brad Pitt: This sucks. My men and I are leaving.
Achilles' Cousin: But I never got to fight! I shall follow in the grand tradition of my master and pout in my tent.
[he DONS Achilles' armor and FIGHTS Hector, who SOUNDLY beats him and STABS him in the THROAT]
Eric Bana: Shit. Sorry about that, y'all.
Brad Pitt: You killed my lover...I mean...cousin. Yeah, cousin. See? Look! I got with that slave girl. NOT GAY. Anyway...you're going down.
[Eric Bana and Brad Pitt SUIT UP and GLISTEN with SWEAT and GLORY a lot]
Brad Pitt: HECTOR!!!!!!! HECTOR!!!!
[repeat AD NAUSEAM]
Orlando Bloom: So...sorry about the whole war thing. But I do have this really cute new top I got just for your fight with Achilles. And a new necklace. It doubles as a sunglasses holder; how cute is that???
Eric Bana: Goodbye, wife and cutest baby ever.
[Hector and Achilles FIGHT and it is HOT and Achilles STABS him with a SPEAR]
Brad Pitt: I will now dishonor you by dragging your body behind my chariot. Suckaaaaaa!!
[Priam SNEAKS into the Greek camp to RETRIEVE his son's extremely fine BODY]
Brad Pitt: Whaaaaa?
Peter O'Toole: I may be a thousand years old, but I can still move like a ninja.
[the GREEKS promise to give the TROJANS the requisite 12 DAYS for a proper burial]
Odysseus: Hee hee! They underestimated my craftiness! We can use this time to hatch an AMAZING PLAN!!
[12 days LATER]
Trojans: Hey! A huge horse! Let's take it inside!
Orlando Bloom: Umm...I think we should burn it.
Everyone Else: Shut up! You're a pansy!
[they BRING it inside their WALLS and you all KNOW what happens NEXT]
Greeks: Burnnnn!! Burn to the ground!!
Trojans: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Orlando Bloom: Okay, I've decided to pretend to be brave now. Take the sword of Troy, Aeneas. I've got to find my cousin.
Brad Pitt: I am also looking for your cousin.
Briseis: Hey guys! I'm over here, stabbing Agamemnon, which never actually happens in the actual Greek mythology.
Brad Pitt: Ow! You shot me in my literal Achilles' heel!
Orlando Bloom: Suckaaaa!!
[the city BURNS and some people are DEAD and some people LIVE and Achilles' NAME lives FOREVER]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

"Fear my baby-smooth skin and my beardless cheek!"

HA!

Also: Is Brad Pitt actually gay with his hot cousin in this movie or is that just your wishful thinking?

Movie Maven said...

he's gay in the actual iliad, but not in the movie. they changed a lot of things to hollywood it up, including not throwing the baby from the towers of troy.

Laura said...

I saw part of this on a night where I was suffering through "Hulk" on FX watiting for the Hulk to calm down and turn into sweet, sweet Bana. I finally turned the channel in disgust, and boom! There he is, in Troy, on like, TBS. The movie's terrible, but he's hella hot.