There were THIRTEEN poster options on impawards.com, the source for most of my poster images (hosted by photobucket). Fortunately, I was able to choose one with The Bana rather than stupid Pitt.
[it is ANCIENT GREECE]
Brian Cox: Look, Thessalonians, you've basically got two choices. Give it up now, or fight us. We're going to conquer you either way, so...
King of Thessaly: How about our best warrior fight your best warrior?
[the HUGEST DUDE EVER emerges from the THRONG of THESSALONIANS]
Brian Cox: Where's Achilles? Is he pouting in his tent again? God. Go get him.
Brad Pitt: Ugh. More fighting? Fine.
[he STABS the huge dude, like, IMMEDIATELY]
Brad Pitt: Saved your ass again, Agamemnon.
[meanwhile, in MYCENAE]
Menelaus: Thanks for visiting us, princes of Troy. Peace is awesome.
[Paris and Helen STARE at each other in a way that should be HOT but really isn't THAT HOT]
Orlando Bloom: Hey.
Helen: Go away. I don't want you here.
Orlando Bloom: That's not what you said last night.* BURNNNNNN!!
[they RUN AWAY together]
Eric Bana: You idiot! Now the Greeks are going to send a thousand ships after us.
Brad Pitt: I shall teach you to fight, my young, hot, limber cousin. Let us sweat in the sun together while I watch your youthful body glisten.
Sean Bean: Achilles! We need you to come fight Troy with us. Think of the glory.
Brad Pitt: I guess. But only if I can pout in my tent a lot. And bring my boy toy. And also if my name will be remembered through the ages.
Sean Bean: Deal. Though I really don't think I have a whole lot of control over that last one.
[they go to TROY in a lot of CGI SHIPS and Achilles' ship has a BLACK FLAG because he is a PUNK ROCKER]
Brad Pitt: Haaaaaaa!! Let's raid the temple of Apollo! That won't anger any gods!!
Eric Bana: Dude, stop dissing my gods.
[the GREEKS steal a PRIESTESS who is also Hector and Paris' COUSIN and she is given to ACHILLES as an AMUSEMENT]
Briseis: Now I shall stab you! Wait a second. You're kind of hot, for a Greek.
Orlando Bloom: I challenge you to a fight, King Menelaus! Fear my baby-smooth skin and my beardless cheek!
[they FIGHT and Paris is DEFEATED and clings to his brother's LEG in SHAME]
Menelaus: You pansy!
[Hector STABS him]
Brian Cox: Oh HELLLLLL no! IT'S ON.
[they BATTLE for, like, EVER]
Brad Pitt: This sucks. My men and I are leaving.
Achilles' Cousin: But I never got to fight! I shall follow in the grand tradition of my master and pout in my tent.
[he DONS Achilles' armor and FIGHTS Hector, who SOUNDLY beats him and STABS him in the THROAT]
Eric Bana: Shit. Sorry about that, y'all.
Brad Pitt: You killed my lover...I mean...cousin. Yeah, cousin. See? Look! I got with that slave girl. NOT GAY. Anyway...you're going down.
[Eric Bana and Brad Pitt SUIT UP and GLISTEN with SWEAT and GLORY a lot]
Brad Pitt: HECTOR!!!!!!! HECTOR!!!!
[repeat AD NAUSEAM]
Orlando Bloom: So...sorry about the whole war thing. But I do have this really cute new top I got just for your fight with Achilles. And a new necklace. It doubles as a sunglasses holder; how cute is that???
Eric Bana: Goodbye, wife and cutest baby ever.
[Hector and Achilles FIGHT and it is HOT and Achilles STABS him with a SPEAR]
Brad Pitt: I will now dishonor you by dragging your body behind my chariot. Suckaaaaaa!!
[Priam SNEAKS into the Greek camp to RETRIEVE his son's extremely fine BODY]
Brad Pitt: Whaaaaa?
Peter O'Toole: I may be a thousand years old, but I can still move like a ninja.
[the GREEKS promise to give the TROJANS the requisite 12 DAYS for a proper burial]
Odysseus: Hee hee! They underestimated my craftiness! We can use this time to hatch an AMAZING PLAN!!
[12 days LATER]
Trojans: Hey! A huge horse! Let's take it inside!
Orlando Bloom: Umm...I think we should burn it.
Everyone Else: Shut up! You're a pansy!
[they BRING it inside their WALLS and you all KNOW what happens NEXT]
Greeks: Burnnnn!! Burn to the ground!!
Orlando Bloom: Okay, I've decided to pretend to be brave now. Take the sword of Troy, Aeneas. I've got to find my cousin.
Brad Pitt: I am also looking for your cousin.
Briseis: Hey guys! I'm over here, stabbing Agamemnon, which never actually happens in the actual Greek mythology.
Brad Pitt: Ow! You shot me in my literal Achilles' heel!
Orlando Bloom: Suckaaaa!!
[the city BURNS and some people are DEAD and some people LIVE and Achilles' NAME lives FOREVER]