Keira Knightley: Yay! I’m getting married! No one’s heart is broken on this glorious day!
Her new husband’s best friend: I love my best friend's wife. My heart is broken.
Colin Firth: My wife has been cheating on me! My heart is broken. I’m going to
Sex-crazed Dude: I’m going to
[it is SOME OFFICE]
Laura Linney: I can’t have a relationship because of my retarded brother.
Alan Rickman: At least you don’t have a slutty assistant.
Slutty Assistant: Like my boobs? You can have them.
Alan Rickman: Yes! No! Damn! My wife will kill me.
Emma Thompson: Yes, I will. Excuse me, my friend is calling me.
Liam Neeson: My wife died and I’m sad. My heart is broken.
His son: I like this girl in my class. My heart is not yet broken, but could be soon.
Emma Thompson: Well, my husband is a jerk. My heart is also broken.
Her daughter: I’m the First Lobster in the nativity play!*
[it is 10 DOWINING STREET]
Hugh Grant: I'm the Prime Minister...and I'm single. Perhaps dancing about to the Pointer Sisters will make me feel ready to take on this big job.
Billy Bob Thornton: I am the lecherous President of the US. What you gonna do, England? Huh? What you gonna do? We OWN your asses!
Hugh Grant: Oh HELLLLL no! I will stay strong and earn the respect of my nation.
Colin Firth: You are beautiful, housekeeper. Perhaps you shall heal my heart.
Portuguese Girl, in Portuguese: You are silly, Englishman, but I do love you.
[it is the OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY]
Incredibly, Ridiculously Attractive Brazilian Guy Who For Some Reason Has the Unfortunate Name “Karl”: Laura Linney, you are amazingly beautiful. Please allow me to make sweet, sweet love to you this Christmas night.
Laura Linney: Thanks, but I really need to visit my mentally disabled brother, since he is my excuse for not having a life. My heart is broken.
Alan Rickman: I am so conflicted!
Emma Thompson: I am so angry!
[they all go to the CHRISTMAS PAGEANT]
Hugh Grant: I am the Prime Minister and also Emma Thompson’s brother. That completely explains why I am behind this curtain kissing my assistant.
Liam Neeson’s son: We need to go to the airport so I can say goodbye to my crush before she leaves for
[they GO and have an AMAZING CHASE through HEATHROW]
Keira Knightley: Oh…you love me?
Her new husband’s best friend: [holds up a SIGN that says YES]
Keira Knightley: I totally thought you hated me. Sorry I broke your heart.
Her new husband’s best friend: [holds up a SIGN that says NO BIGGIE]
[it is SOMEWHERE ELSE]
Colin Firth’s Family: It’s Uncle Jamie.
Colin Firth: Actually, I have to go back to
Colin Firth’s niece: I hate Uncle Jamie!!*
Sex-crazed Dude: Hey, ladies.
Girl from 24: Hey, you’re English! Let’s have sex!
Everyone: [cries with JOY and/or SADNESS and/or a BROKEN/UNBROKEN HEART]