Love Actually

[it is ENGLAND]
Keira Knightley: Yay! I’m getting married! No one’s heart is broken on this glorious day!
Her new husband’s best friend: I love my best friend's wife. My heart is broken.
Colin Firth: My wife has been cheating on me! My heart is broken. I’m going to Portugal.
Sex-crazed Dude: I’m going to Wisconsin! Sluts galore!
Laura Linney: I can’t have a relationship because of my retarded brother.
Alan Rickman: At least you don’t have a slutty assistant.
Slutty Assistant: Like my boobs? You can have them.
Alan Rickman: Yes! No! Damn! My wife will kill me.
Emma Thompson: Yes, I will. Excuse me, my friend is calling me.
Liam Neeson: My wife died and I’m sad. My heart is broken.
His son: I like this girl in my class. My heart is not yet broken, but could be soon.
Emma Thompson: Well, my husband is a jerk. My heart is also broken.
Her daughter: I’m the First Lobster in the nativity play!*
Hugh Grant:
I'm the Prime Minister...and I'm single. Perhaps dancing about to the Pointer Sisters will make me feel ready to take on this big job.
Billy Bob Thornton: I am the lecherous President of the US. What you gonna do, England? Huh? What you gonna do? We OWN your asses!
Hugh Grant:
Oh HELLLLL no! I will stay strong and earn the respect of my nation.
[it is PORTUGAL]
Colin Firth: You are beautiful, housekeeper. Perhaps you shall heal my heart.
Portuguese Girl, in Portuguese: You are silly, Englishman, but I do love you.
Incredibly, Ridiculously Attractive Brazilian Guy Who For Some Reason Has the Unfortunate Name “Karl”: Laura Linney, you are amazingly beautiful. Please allow me to make sweet, sweet love to you this Christmas night.
Laura Linney: Thanks, but I really need to visit my mentally disabled brother, since he is my excuse for not having a life. My heart is broken.
Alan Rickman: I am so conflicted!
Emma Thompson: I am so angry!
[they all go to the CHRISTMAS PAGEANT]
Hugh Grant: I am the Prime Minister and also Emma Thompson’s brother. That completely explains why I am behind this curtain kissing my assistant.
Liam Neeson’s son: We need to go to the airport so I can say goodbye to my crush before she leaves for America!!
[they GO and have an AMAZING CHASE through HEATHROW]
Keira Knightley: Oh…you love me?
Her new husband’s best friend: [holds up a SIGN that says YES]
Keira Knightley: I totally thought you hated me. Sorry I broke your heart.
Her new husband’s best friend: [holds up a SIGN that says NO BIGGIE]
Colin Firth’s Family: It’s Uncle Jamie.
Colin Firth: Actually, I have to go back to Portugal real quick and sweep my housekeeper off her feet.
Colin Firth’s niece: I hate Uncle Jamie!!*
Sex-crazed Dude: Hey, ladies.
Girl from 24: Hey, you’re English! Let’s have sex!
Everyone: [cries with JOY and/or SADNESS and/or a BROKEN/UNBROKEN HEART]


Anonymous said...

I hate hate hate this movie, yet I own it and totally watch it when it comes on TV. Oh, but I hate it so much. HAAAAAAAAAAATE.

P.S. That Brazilian dude is crazy hot.


hot-ham-water said...

i totally hate this movie too and thought i was the only one! i have been redeemed.

however i do like reading this condensed version- the accents in my head are far less annoying!

Movie Maven said...

Ultra-Condensed Movies: bringing people together through mutual hatred. Sigh.

Emily Sue said...

You forgot the good part -the random Martin Freeman soft core porno scenes! Why was that in there?!?!?!?

The scene where the kid goes to the airport - I wanted to punch the TV screen. I've never seen anything so cloying in my entire life (besides every other scene in the movie). I feel a little sick thinking about it right now.

Movie Maven said...

Wow, I can't believe I forgot those porno stand-in parts. SO RANDOM. I mean, we all love Martin Freeman, but seriously...what?!?!

Anonymous said...

I actually thought that was the only slightly genuinely funny part of the movie. But then when she was all "All I want for Christmas...is you" I threw up my Junior Mints.

If you want an interesting opinion on this movie, I would suggest reading the NY Times review of it. They're right, this movie is crazy misogynistic.


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Wow, I've never seen this movie but I always had this idea that every person on earth loved it. How wrong I was!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the read (much more fun than the film). I hate this film too and am heartened to read that I am not alone. It's that awful funeral scene with the Bay City Rollers 'Bye bye baby' that really gets me. That scene alone showed R Curtis was well and truly taking the p*s.