1.19.2008

Dante's Peak


[it is 1993]
Pierce Brosnan: Let's go! We need to get away from this volcano!
Hot Girlfriend: AAAAAAA!! A chunk of flaming hot rock just fell on me!!
Pierce Brosnan: Nooooooooo!!! I swear I will never love another!
[four years LATER]
Boss Geologist: So...it looks like this little town has some weird seismic activity. Go check it out, Pierce Brosnan.
[the TOWN is at the FOOT of a VOLCANO and there is a LITERAL CARNIVAL happening]
Linda Hamilton: I'm so flustered! How can a single mom run a coffee shop AND be the mayor of a town at the foot of a dormant volcano?! So many hats!
[she makes a SPEECH about how the town is AWESOME and businesses want to MOVE IN]
Pierce Brosnan: Hey, nice ass...I mean, speech. I'm here from the Geological Survey. Care to show me around?
Linda Hamilton: Sure, ridiculously hot geologist. I just have one stop to make. Get out of that mine, son!
Her Son: But mooo-ooooooom! It's my hangout!
Her Daughter: Can we go hang out with grandma?
Linda Hamilton: It's not my mother, it's my EX-mother-in-law. Did you get that, hot geologist? I'm not married. FYI.
[they go to the GRANDMA'S house, which is, like, ON the volcano, and then find some DEAD SWIMMERS in a hot SPRINGS]
Pierce Brosnan: This concerns me. Let's put the town on alert.
Boss Geologist: I'm here with the culturally diverse team from the USGS, and I say don't put the town on alert.
Pierce Brosnan: Fine. I just hope you're right and I'm wrong.
Fat Geologist: I hate this stupid NASA transmitter on our robot! I'm going to take it off now. Notice how I am taking this transmitter off! Remember that! For later!
[they TEST the volcano with the ROBOT but there is an AVALANCHE and the Fat Geologist BREAKS his leg]
Asian Geologist: There's still really no evidence that the volcano will go off.
Middle Eastern Geologist: So...what's going on with you and the mayor?? Heyyyyyy!!
Pierce Brosnan: It's business. Just business. If by business you mean "I love her."
[they FIND some stuff happening, SEISMICALLY, so they call a TOWN MEETING]
Linda Hamilton: Stay here at home, kids, while we go to this meeting. I don't think it's a bad idea at all to leave you home alone in the face of a possible volcano eruption.
[the VOLCANO begins to RUMBLE and everyone FREAKS OUT]
Pierce Brosnan: We have to find your kids, because they are the most important thing.
[the KIDS took the CAR to save their GRANDMA, who refused to come down from her VOLCANO HOUSE]
Linda Hamilton: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!
[they DRIVE up the mountain to the GRANDMA'S house and get there just in time for a MOLTEN RIVER of LAVA to engulf the house]
Pierce Brosnan: Get in this boat! We can escape! Wait...shit, the volcano turned this lake into acid somehow!! Don't touch the lake!!
[they spend a REALLY LONG TIME getting across the lake and FINALLY the grandma just JUMPS into the water and PUSHES the boat to the dock]
The Kids: Noooooooooo!! Grandma!!! You're burned with acid lake!!
[they find a TRUCK and drive it into the TOWN, which is COVERED in ASH]
Pierce Brosnan: Remember all that setup we did earlier with the NASA transmitter and the mine? This is where it comes into play.
[they GET the transmitter and take it into the MINE, where it's RELATIVELY safe]
The Son: Good thing I've got all these juice boxes!
[meanwhile, the GEOLOGISTS are FLEEING]
Asian Geologist: Boss! Get out of the truck! You're on a bridge that's about to collapse!
[he CANNOT get off the BRIDGE in time and is SWEPT AWAY by a wall of WATER or ACID or something]
Fat Geologist: Well, at least he got to see the show.* Hold on, what's that flashing??
[they FIND Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton and the kids via the NASA TRANSMITTER and everyone is HAPPY except the people who DIED]

2 comments:

BeckEye said...

Thank you. I never have to see this movie now, which was my plan all along!

Laura said...

Grandma wading through boiling lava whilst dragging a rowboat and screaming in agony is really the cherry on this sundae of a movie.