The Naked Kiss

This was actually already published a while back on this blog. But I love it so, and I need you guys to read it again.
[it is the 1960s]
Kelly: Give me my money, you bastard!!!
Pimp: I'm drunk! Please stop hitting me with your purse!
[her WIG flies off, which only makes her ANGRIER]
Kelly: My bald head!! The shame!! Give me my money!!
[she STORMS out, allowing a TIME SHIFT to two YEARS later]
Griff: Seeing as how I'm the top cop in this one-horse town, I like to hang around the bus station chatting and seeing what low-lifes might come in on the b--WHAAAA?
[he sees Kelly, who is TOTALLY FOXY]
Griff: So...you in town on business?
Kelly: Yep. Angel Foam. It's champagne. Ten bucks a bottle.
[it is OBVIOUS that she is a WHORE]
Griff: Well...that's dirt cheap. I'll take you. I mean it.
[they go back to HIS PLACE and ostensibly BONE, though they are FULLY DRESSED afterward]
Griff: Go check out this one place, Candy's. She'll have a place for a woman like you. But not around here. We'll get along like noise and a hangover* if you try to peddle your trade here, though I just partook in the sweet, sweet product you sell.
[Kelly walks around town and finds a HOUSE that has a sign advertising a PLEASANT ROOM for rent]
Kelly: [nodding in approval] Perhaps I could mend my whorish ways here.
Josephine the Seamstress: Welcome. You can rent this room, where I store a mannequin that represents my dead husband. I talk to it sometimes. You can if you like.
Kelly: I am not in any way creeped out by that. I'll take it. By the way, who's this "Grant" character I've heard so much about?
Josephine: He's a wonderful man. His great-grandfather founded our town. Also, he funded a hospital for crippled children. Also, he is BFF with Griff, the cop.
Kelly: Crippled children, eh? That sounds like a one-way ticket to redemption!
[she somehow gets a JOB at the hospital, though her only WORK EXPERIENCE is WHORING]
Hospital Staff: We love you, Kelly! You are an angel!
[she HELPS her KNOCKED-UP coworker]
Buff, another coworker: So I think I might become a whore over at Candy's. Look, she even gave me $25 in advance.
Kelly: Noooooooo!!!!!
[she CONFRONTS Candy and stuffs the DIRTY MONEY in her mouth]
Some Other Coworker: Let's go to a party at Mr. Grant's house.
[they go, and Grant gives Kelly a PRESENT, though he has JUST MET her]
Grant: You are beautiful. Allow me to show you my vacation footage from Venice in a seductive manner on my leopard-print couch.
[the camera PANS into the light of the PROJECTOR to indicate that they are DOING IT]
Grant: Kelly is the woman of my dreams!
Griff: Hmmm. This is fishy to me.
Kelly: Grant, I must tell you - I was a prostitute.
Grant: No biggie. Marry me. A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle.*
Griff: What?!? You can't marry her!!
Kelly: I told him everything about my past! He loves me! I'm going to surprise him at home to cook him dinner!
[she GOES to his HOUSE and sees a SMALL GIRL running out who has APPARENTLY just been MOLESTED]
Grant: See? We're both perverts, because pedophilia and prostitution are exactly the same!
[Kelly FREAKS OUT and hits him on the head with a PHONE, killing him]
Griff: Ha HA! I see what happened! He wanted to call off the wedding because you're a WHORE!!
Kelly: No! There was a little girl! He's a child molester!
Candy: She told me she was going to blackmail him!
Kelly: Shut up, liar!
Candy: Nobody stuffs dirty money in my mouth.*
[no one will HELP Kelly, but then Buff REALIZES she needs to HELP her]
Griff: Okay, gather up all the blonde girls.
Cop that Looks Like Dennis Kucinich: Is this her?
[he PARADES, like, 20 girls in until FINALLY...]
Kelly: Yes! That's her!
Griff: Though you are a whore, you have saved our town's children. Thanks. And bye.
[she GOES on her WAY, because a WHORE is always a WHORE, even when she kills a CHILD MOLESTER]


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...


Emily Sue said...

Head tilted, staring off into distance, "Handicapped Children?...?"

The answer to all life's problems.

Jason Whittle said...

This movie sounds amazing. and true. This sorta sounds like Pretty Woman - but with pedophelia which is exciting.

Laura said...

She's not even kidding, you guys. I bought this movie in a bin at a Walgreens after reading this review, and it was everything I was hoping for AND MORE. There are many crippled children singing a creepy song about the sky in extreme close-ups, and everyone's hair looks so dirty. It's amazing.