Deep Impact

[it is VIRGINA]
Elijah Wood: Look! A heavenly body I don't recognize! What could it be? I will ask my friend, the professor of astronomy in Arizona.
Professor: WHAAAAAA?!?!? This is momentous! But the server is down!! Nooooo! I must drive in a fast and erratic manner to deliver this news to the world.
[he LABELS the unknown HEAVENLY BODY and drives SO FAST to TELL SOMEONE that he HITS a TRUCK and DIES]
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON DC]
Tea Leoni: Can't you give me an interesting story for once? Why do I have to cover this stupid Treasury Secretary resignation? I have enough problems as it is, with my mom Vanessa Redgrave all depressed because my dad left her for a younger woman.
Vanessa Redgrave: [drunkenly] Hear, hear!
That One Doctor on ER Who Had Crutches and Was a Lesbian: Nope, sorry. I'll give you a better story next time.
[Tea Leoni DIGS because she is a REPORTER and wants the TRUTH, and she gets a LEAD]
Tea Leoni: We know all about your resignation! I am going to phrase my knowledge in a vague way, so you think I know what I'm talking about!
James Cromwell: Look, it doesn't even matter now. I just want to be with my family. Congratulations on the biggest story in history. I will also talk in a vague way.
Tea Leoni: Wow, what an arrogant jerk - his affair, the biggest story in history?
[she gets RUN off the ROAD by SCARY CARS]
FBI Agents: Come on. Someone wants to talk to you.
Morgan Freeman: Hello. We heard you had some information. I will also not divulge any additional information to keep you confused as long as possible.
Tea Leoni:The president's black? This really is a liberal Hollywood movie.
[she uses ALTAVISTA to search for INFORMATION and since the internet is BRAND NEW, only ONE RESULT is returned]
Tea Leoni: Extinction level event?! Noooooo!! All the vague talking confused me!
[they have a PRESS CONFERENCE and Morgan Freeman is PRESIDENTIAL]
Lesbian Crutches: Hey! How come you get to be in front, Tea Leoni?
Tea Leoni: Because I stumbled on to the story. Sucka!
[meanwhile, in VIRGINIA again]
Townspeople: The comet that is going to destroy earth is named after you! Awesome!
Elijah Wood: Yeah! It's pretty cool! Future generations will know me as...oh wait. There won't be any future generations.
Some Random: You're going to have more sex than anyone!*
Leelee Sobieski: Yeah you are!! From me! Heyyyyy!
[meanwhile, at NASA]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Ready, team?
Robert Duvall: You whippersnappers don't know the first thing about landing on a planetary object! I better come with you on this mission to destroy the comet hurtling towards earth.
Blair Underwood: Token black dude, reporting for service.
Mary McCormack: Token woman, also reporting for service.
Jon Favreau: Guy Who Will Die in a Gas Blast, reporting for service.
Russian: Token foreigner, reporting for service.
Robert Duvall: Great. Now, keep your eye on that huge Sunrise Countdown Clock, because once the sun hits the surface of the comet, the gas jets on the comet will activate. Because that is a thing that happens.
[they go to the COMET and a bunch of SHIT happens and they FAIL]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Not only did they not destroy the comet, but they broke it into two pieces, a little one and a big one! AND the ship is lost! Sheesh! So inept!
Morgan Freeman: So, we kind of thought that might happen, so we're going to shoot missiles at the comets when they get close enough. Also, we've been preparing a system of caves in the soft limestone of Missouri, in which we'll put one million people, randomly chosen by social security number. There is no way that anyone could be concerned about this system, since computers are unhackable and infallible. Oh, and we're pre-selecting some important people, too.
Elijah Wood's Family: We got pre-selected!
Leelee Sobieski's Family: We didn't. :(
Elijah Wood: Let's get married! Then we'll all get in!
[meanwhile, on the NEWS]
Tea Leoni: This is me, reporting to you, about everything. Trust me. I am the news. So, since that other plan failed, here come the missiles!
Morgan Freeman: Those failed too. The world is ending. Everyone to the caves! Well, everyone who was picked. The rest of you: suck it.
[Leelee Sobieski's family is NOT on the list, and she REFUSES to go without her PARENTS and FREAKISHLY YOUNG baby brother]
Vanessa Redgrave: Well, I guess I'll get all dressed up...and kill myself.
[she DOES]
Tea Leoni's Dad: Sorry I was an asshole for my whole life. Here are some pictures from when you were little.
Tea Leoni: I don't forgive you!!
[she GAZES at the PHOTOS, which apparently CHANGE her MIND]
Tea Leoni: Wait, I do! I want to die in a huge tidal wave! Lesbian Crutches, take my place on this helicopter to safety.
[she goes to MAINE and he is THERE and they get THRASHED by a WAVE caused by the LITTLE PIECE of COMET crashing into the ATLANTIC]
Elijah Wood: I can't live without my teen bride!
[he takes a MOTORBIKE to go SAVE her and her BABY BROTHER, and they make it to HIGH GROUND, though her PARENTS die]
Crew of the Ship: Hey! We have a chance to save earth! But we'll die in the process. Let's do it!!
Houston: We brought your families here to say goodbye. Except you, Russian. You can suck it.
Me: [crying ACTUAL TEARS]
[they DRIVE the ship INTO a FISSURE and EXPLODE the BIG COMET into MILLIONS of PIECES]
Earth: Hooray! Even though the megatsunami killed millions, the bigger comet won't black out the sun! We can survive!
Morgan Freeman: [presidential THINGS]